Can girls let go of the past?

[StGeorge22]

Hey guys

 

Just after a bit of input here, particularly from any girls who might have some insight.

 

Long story short, I broke up with my long term gf about 18 months ago. Spent the last year on and off but she has now moved interstate. She basically says that she can't trust that I won't treat her bad again, put my friends and career in front of her. It's quite a complicated story, but she had some mental health issues and while I was there financially etc, it did cause a lot of resentment between us and I'll admit it made me scared for what our future might be like. So I put my hand up and admitted I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have, but at the end of the day I was much younger and less mature. I've tried really hard to improve myself but every time she comes back, she can never take the final step and says she is too scared.

 

The last convo we had about a month ago echoed this and also that she wants to try and move on.

 

So of course that's where I left it and I have to try and respect that's what she wants.

 

I'm not necessarily holding out hope and am trying to move on etc, but I'm just curious if any of you guys think that I girl can eventually let go of these things? She is convinced we would never be able to start fresh as there is too much baggage.

 

All thoughts appreciated.

[Stvnssam]

All my relationships have been bad. First boyfriend we got engaged had a child then he raped a man yea bad so anyway 2nd boyfriend was great for first year and a half but he started to get jealous of my son (WTF) so that ended. Third boyfriend (and last) had a child with him, he was an alcoholic single father but I hated how he treated his daughter so I left him. 10 months later I got broke into while the kids and myself were asleep, I was held at knife point, hit with baseball bats etc. I was scared of men for 6 years, a man couldn't even walk past me without me having a panic attack. I had counselling etc and I am over everything that has happened it took a lot of time and lots of support but everyone can and will get over any problem they face as long as they have the support and determination to do so.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Stvnssam
grammer mistakes

[hea]

if the things that have happened are not violent, or something like cheating, then I think so.

 

 

you just need to show you've changed and matured. Keep in touch with her on a friend level, but beware she doesn't owe you anything (i.e if she dates someone else you cant get mad). And gain her trust again. Slowly. But this is not a guarantee as all women are different.

[imfine]

Yes, girls can let go of the past. There is a difference between letting it go & giving your relationship another chance. You should understand her fear of a future with you, after all you said that you've struggled with the same fear about her. I think you should give her the space she's requesting to move on. It will show her that you respect her needs and feelings. You never know, your paths may cross again someday.

[d0cholliday]

Yes, girls can let go of the past. There is a difference between letting it go & giving your relationship another chance. You should understand her fear of a future with you, after all you said that you've struggled with the same fear about her. I think you should give her the space she's requesting to move on. It will show her that you respect her needs and feelings. You never know, your paths may cross again someday.

 

 

How to show her that she has nothing to fear about your future together, that you are willing to do anything to be by her side for the rest of your life, to support her, be loyay and thrustfull? Talking doesn't help much, tried that...

[monkeytine]

I'm in the same boat with my ex. He lied to me. On a daily basis about something for over a month. It crushed me and I lost all trust in him. 3 days after I broke up with him, I'm already starting to see his view and reasoning more. What he did was wrong, and always will be, but after the initial anger period ended, I'm ready to forgive and forget.

 

That being said, it will take a GRAND gesture. What is her favorite thing in the world? (The simpler, the better.) What's her favorite meal? Animal? Is she always cold? Make her dinner, get her a stuffed animal, and buy her fuzzy socks for her cold feet. Show her you know her inside and out and you were listening to her and truly care. What is it she fears most about you? Is it taking some kind of step? Was there something you always promised to do but never did? Do those things. Show her you can do them and realize you made a mistake. That's really the only way once you've broken trust in such a powerful way.

 

You said you are "willing to do anything to be by her side." Make sure that's the truth, and do it. If you really aren't willing to do anything to be by her side, don't tell her that. Otherwise it's just another promise broken. This step may take some time. Maybe it's you getting a job. Maybe it's you quitting a group of friends that was no good for you or your relationship. But that's what it's gonna take to prove your statement true. Come back to her with receipt in hand.

 

What it comes down to, when women are hurt by men, it's a feeling that you don't honestly care about them. Something else is more important. Prove her wrong. You can think of something. Don't be afraid, just do it and don't hold back, and don't ask her for permission. We want you to be a man on your own and prove it without our help.

Edited February 6, 2014 by monkeytine

[Never Again]

I'm in the same boat with my ex. He lied to me. On a daily basis about something for over a month. It crushed me and I lost all trust in him. 3 days after I broke up with him, I'm already starting to see his view and reasoning more. What he did was wrong, and always will be, but after the initial anger period ended, I'm ready to forgive and forget.

 

That being said, it will take a GRAND gesture. What is her favorite thing in the world? (The simpler, the better.) What's her favorite meal? Animal? Is she always cold? Make her dinner, get her a stuffed animal, and buy her fuzzy socks for her cold feet. Show her you know her inside and out and you were listening to her and truly care. What is it she fears most about you? Is it taking some kind of step? Was there something you always promised to do but never did? Do those things. Show her you can do them and realize you made a mistake. That's really the only way once you've broken trust in such a powerful way.

 

You said you are "willing to do anything to be by her side." Make sure that's the truth, and do it. If you really aren't willing to do anything to be by her side, don't tell her that. Otherwise it's just another promise broken. This step may take some time. Maybe it's you getting a job. Maybe it's you quitting a group of friends that was no good for you or your relationship. But that's what it's gonna take to prove your statement true. Come back to her with receipt in hand.

 

What it comes down to, when women are hurt by men, it's a feeling that you don't honestly care about them. Something else is more important. Prove her wrong. You can think of something. Don't be afraid, just do it and don't hold back, and don't ask her for permission. We want you to be a man on your own and prove it without our help.

 

Eh.

 

Very, very eh.

 

Every woman has the chance to voice these complaints in a relationship. If they chose not to talk about how hurt they are and internalize that fear until it hits a breaking point...then no grand gesture will fix it.

 

In fact, grand gestures will just come off as manipulative at that point.

[Moe96]

What if your ex said she'll forgive but won't forget? My ex (we broke up 3 months ago) said that to me. Accept defeat and move on? I'll post my story sometime soon. I would still like to get back together but there's alot of issues post breakup

[StGeorge22]

Hi guys thanks for all the posts. No , there was certainly no cheating or violence, she just didn't think I gave her the support she needed or took our relationship as seriously as she would have liked. There are a few things that she did that led me to resent her (she owed me lots of money - paid it back but it took ages. At the same time of owing me she put pressure on to get married and I was just like how about we sort out the mess we are in first). As a result I turned to my friends quite a lot.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I take the point that there is a difference between letting go and giving us another shot. Her opinion has changed quite a lot over the last year, she says she believes I have changed but just can't take that chance and risk getting hurt again and doesn't believe we can have a fresh start.

 

In the mean time I'm just going to live my life as I think constantly trying to convince her will only do more damage than good.

[monkeytine]

Eh.

 

Very, very eh.

 

Every woman has the chance to voice these complaints in a relationship. If they chose not to talk about how hurt they are and internalize that fear until it hits a breaking point...then no grand gesture will fix it.

 

In fact, grand gestures will just come off as manipulative at that point.

 

 

Who says she didn't voice her opinion? I made it very clear by telling my ex we could work anything out no matter what. He was still too scared to tell me something and so instead chose to make the mistake of lying. There was nothing more I could've said to make him comfortable enough to think he could tell me things. He just had to learn the hard way. And it's just too lazy to not do something grand after a major mistake. Anyone can SAY they have changed and will never do anything to hurt you again, but I'd like to think putting a little effort into an apology goes a lot further.

 

A grand gesture may in fact BE manipulative. That's up to the woman to decide. If the guy really cares though, it should be no sweat to put the effort needed into it.

[melell]

Yep they can. Personally I think it takes some time for everything to calm down/time apart, and then for both to really want to try-despite what had happened in the past.

 

I look at it this way- once you reconcile time goes by, creates new memories, new norms, new perspectives. So after a certain amount of time together the picture can be very different- it can be much better, and the past can be the past.

But if the person does not want to try, and new memories etc aren't created, then you kind of just get left with the same (negative) picture.

 

It is about risk. She may not want to spend anymore of her time on this, the risk is too high. It is all up to the individual, and there really is nothing you can do about it.

 

I was with someone for about 8 years, they wanted to reconcile, and despite still really caring about that person, the cons outweighed the pros- I wouldn't do it. Enough time went by and now I really can't say I care any more about that person than I do my next door neighbor.

 

In my experience time can result in more potential to reconnect, or less. It is hard to say. It is up to you to work out how much time you are willing to put aside for a possibility, there are 3 billion+ females on the planet.

[StGeorge22]

Thanks Mel, appreciate your reply. Trying very hard to move on as I know it's out of my hands. It is frustrating but I know that's the way it is. She has gone from wanting to try to not wanting to try several times, I guess this time it's for real given she has moved interstate. I actually have to go over there for work in 5-6 weeks. Hopefully by then I'm over it so I don't contact here

[StGeorge22]

Mel can I ask, how much time went by between you guys splitting up and him wanting to reconcile? As I assume it was him who reached out to you?

[melell]

Mel can I ask, how much time went by between you guys splitting up and him wanting to reconcile? As I assume it was him who reached out to you?

 

It really does get easier, for me it was just a case of rebuilding my thinking around all things unrelated to my ex.

 

It was about 3-4 months after the breakup, and he did reach out to me. Was very persistent turning up at my home etc. I think he found it hard to process that it wasn't what I wanted.

[StGeorge22]

Thanks Mel, and has he accepted it now? I guess my situation is a little unique. While we haven't been together for 18 months, the last 12 months has been on and off. Her coming back, not being able to take the next step, going away for a month, then coming back. But now she is gone interstate, it's really like I'm starting the break up all over again. Did you find dating other people helped you move on? I've never really had trouble meeting girls, but I usually get a month in then walk away. Trying to figure out if I'll meet someone else and that will help me move on, or I shouldn't start dating until I have moved on

[soccerrprp]

Hey guys

 

Just after a bit of input here, particularly from any girls who might have some insight.

 

Long story short, I broke up with my long term gf about 18 months ago. Spent the last year on and off but she has now moved interstate. She basically says that she can't trust that I won't treat her bad again, put my friends and career in front of her. It's quite a complicated story, but she had some mental health issues and while I was there financially etc, it did cause a lot of resentment between us and I'll admit it made me scared for what our future might be like. So I put my hand up and admitted I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have, but at the end of the day I was much younger and less mature. I've tried really hard to improve myself but every time she comes back, she can never take the final step and says she is too scared.

 

The last convo we had about a month ago echoed this and also that she wants to try and move on.

 

So of course that's where I left it and I have to try and respect that's what she wants.

 

I'm not necessarily holding out hope and am trying to move on etc, but I'm just curious if any of you guys think that I girl can eventually let go of these things? She is convinced we would never be able to start fresh as there is too much baggage.

 

All thoughts appreciated.

 

I don't know how old you are or how long ago the first break was, but people do let go of the past......and too often to their detriment. I mean this in a relationship stand point.

 

I fully understand your ex gf's hesitation. Girls, especially, tend to forget too soon and too inconveniently allowing what they know is not good for them to come back into their lives only to be disappointed (AGAIN). I don't know you or your temperament, but she certainly does. She remembers who you were and has no idea if the new you, as you claim, is any better.

 

If I were her friend, and your past was toxic, I would tell her the truth...there are better guys out there,.

 

I really believe that the two of you should not get be together. Mostly biased in favor of her.

[StGeorge22]

Cheers for the insight. I do understand her hesitation to a degree but I also find it frustrating as I feel like I was reacting to the difficult situation we were in (her mental health and the difficult it caused) rather than me being a bad guy. I did used to have a temper and she prob saw the worst of it due to my frustration, but there was certainly no violence or cheating etc. I think she is mainly scared that we will get back together and I won't treat the relationship as number 1. There are some personal things that I prob wouldn't feel comfortable saying here but given what she went thru and how it affected us, it just caused a lot of resentment which I feel like we would be better equipped to handle now. But I guess she doesn't and I have to respect that. It is quite frustrating but when you hear of guys cheating on their gfs and they can be forgiven, but I can't be forgiven for not handling a situation that I just wasn't equipped for. Anyway, thanks for your comment.

 

Ps I'm 29 and the break up was 18 months ago. But the last year was spent on and off trying to work it out