wasntlooking Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I was almost at that point today again for the 100th time in four months that i thought i was really letting him go. I started NC with XMM four months ago, strict Nc from both sides since. Im struggling to let the thoughts and feelings go still.....i was not ready to bresk up but knew i had to do it for obvious reasons. So here I am today, almost have him out of my mind and something like grabs my brain and says no, dont let go of it yet. I get so close to gettng him gone out of my head and i pull him right back. I do and dont want to let go. Such good memories of him and i still care deeply for him but he needs to get out of my mind......help
Tarnished Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I'm not of much use to you as I'm struggling with the same. I've been thrown undre the bus by AP, and thrown a lifeline by my BS and still I can't get AP out of my stupid head. In my case it doesn't help that we work together... One thing I was suggested by a therapist was to try "Tapping". Google Tapping Protocol for Clearing "The energy of someone" by Stacey Vornbrock. If you can't find it, let me know and I can scan and send you a copy. It's supposed to help, although clearly I haven't been doing it! I think the key is to keep busy and distracted and let time do its thing... Good luck! 4
Author wasntlooking Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Thanks tarnished, will look into that. I consider my self very busy, i work full time graveyard and day shifts, havd two kids, numerous hobbies and activites and still manage to think constantly of him. I knkw it needs to stop, no doubt about it. It is better than it was. I honestly feel if i can just ask him how he is feeling and what his true feelings were throughout the whole A i would be ok. He left me hanging after i broke it off. Never knew what he was thinking. Im at that point where i will not start anything back up with him, thats not an issue, its just hik keeping me hanging with no response from his side after break up email thats hard to get ovrr...i need closure but i know i wont get it from him, i have to do it 2
XenoMouse Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 i know how you feel as i am in the same position. I can't let thoughts of my AP go and struggle with the NC especially because it was imposed on me. You often speak of not getting proper closure and being left hanging by your AP. I can tell you from a guys point of view that if the girl breaks it off, as you said you have done, that you are not going to get a whole lot of us after that especially if the break up was worded very decisively. You might get the initial couple of replies then and there but because of whatever, dignity, respect, or not wanting to look like a psycho we tend to just leave it at that and either seek support like some of us have done here or through friends and beer. I still battle with feelings of my exAP all day and i hope with time it gets better. Ive always spoken with my exes whether i was the dumper or the dumpee so that all of the emotions were released and questions answered but this has been a totally different situation and is really killing me. I could never just cut somebody who i loved so much out of my life like that i dont know how she is managing to pull it off. 1
inappfriendly Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I have nothing concrete to advise... Just glad I am not the only one still struggling after all this time! All the best
Author wasntlooking Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Xeno mouse Your reply has helped me a lot, thank you. Your male perspective helps. Males and females handle these situationz so differently. He was always quiet about his emotions, every now and then he would say something about us bu he knew as i did that we were doing wrong but we both still felt such a connection. I could tell the whole time we were together he was fighting his conscience as was I. I just wish i could hear some words out of him thats all. I broke it off yes but i reallg didnt want to but deep inside i know he knows it was the right thing to do. Its hard not to take silence personally though. So you say that he could very well be respecting me by NC? Just because hes not trying to contact doesnt mean he never cared? Im so paranoid i know. I just really need to know but itll probably never happen.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 And i know that its selfish of me to want to know all these things after what i did. Im really not cut out for having affairs ehich is a good thing , i def learned my lesson. Never again. I got too attached and the whole time i knew it wasnt going anywhere. I didnt want him to lose everythinv he worked for and me also
sunburned Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Wasntlooking, I realize it's a fine line to you but he did reply "it's ok." You would actually feel a lot worse if it had been total radio silence. As we know, we women are far wordier than men are (in general). I know you have analyzed what that meant and apparently you've come up with "it's as good as saying nothing at all." I think he just wanted you to know it really was OK, he was feeling much the same. There was nowhere for the R to go and it was for the best that it ended. He is respecting your request for NC so stop moping that he didn't chase you a little harder. I am not being critical as my A ended in similar fashion. I went NC and sometimes feel "damn him for honoring it." There are times I read the stories of others where their xMM won't leave them alone and I think "why couldn't my guy be like that?" But it's cray cray. Think of all the messed up stories we've read here (BruisedNBroken's comes to mind) of these MM who aren't respectful and keep trying to get their cake back. That doesn't sound like a happy ending either. Everyone's sitch and recovery time is so very different. Like you, I've been on the slow track. But I am one month ahead (5+ mos NC) and I can tell you I feel a whole lot better than at the 4 month mark. I know you long for that one last convo, but it never happens that way. Closure comes with your own acceptance that it's over and your willingness to move on. There is no tidy, perfect finish to something as abhorrent as an A. Truly, your ending is about as good as it gets. 2
Author wasntlooking Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Sunburned thank you for your words, i totally agree..... best of luck to you and moving on too
Author wasntlooking Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 And as i agree with what you say sunburned, part of me wants him to freak out and contact me only because that will drive me away from him faster....him actuallt respecting me is actuallg turning me on still ....urgh.....how crazy is that
sunburned Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 well, that's great. you and i have both moved from fantasyland to crazy town. 2
Author wasntlooking Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Glad im not the only crazy one sunburned...lol...hope we both finally let them go and get off this ride
RickFox Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 i know how you feel as i am in the same position. I can't let thoughts of my AP go and struggle with the NC especially because it was imposed on me. You often speak of not getting proper closure and being left hanging by your AP. I can tell you from a guys point of view that if the girl breaks it off, as you said you have done, that you are not going to get a whole lot of us after that especially if the break up was worded very decisively. You might get the initial couple of replies then and there but because of whatever, dignity, respect, or not wanting to look like a psycho we tend to just leave it at that and either seek support like some of us have done here or through friends and beer. I still battle with feelings of my exAP all day and i hope with time it gets better. Ive always spoken with my exes whether i was the dumper or the dumpee so that all of the emotions were released and questions answered but this has been a totally different situation and is really killing me. I could never just cut somebody who i loved so much out of my life like that i dont know how she is managing to pull it off. Because it's not as important to her as it was to you.... same goes for my xmw
RickFox Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Btw, May will mark about three years since it ended with xmw turning her back on me, I.still think of her in some form or fashion. The more you try not to think of them the more it doesn't work. You just need to accept that it's gonna happen. I.usually think of the tattoo on her foot that says flawed, and that reminds me to focus on other things 1
Author wasntlooking Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Rick fox, would you consider what i did turning my back on him? Just curious as to what someone in that position would take it as
sunburned Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You didn't turn your back on him. You turned your back on your own self destructive behavior. That's a good thing!!
RickFox Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 When I say turned her back I mean tucked tail and ran to save her own butt while watching the bus run over me. 2
sunburned Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 When I say turned her back I mean tucked tail and ran to save her own butt while watching the bus run over me. Lol -- I knew what you meant, Rick. My comment was directed at the OP. Great story about the tat though. Your AP actually came with a warning sign
RickFox Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Lol -- I knew what you meant, Rick. My comment was directed at the OP. Great story about the tat though. Your AP actually came with a warning sign *sigh* lots of warming signs I ignored....some days you feel like such a fool....today is that day 2
XenoMouse Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I think suburned is absolutely right you made a decision that was right for you and would have spared you more pain than you're feeling now. Unless you two intense emotions back and forth i dont think he will look at as you turning your back on him most likely he'll look as you making a decision about something you do not want to be involved in as you nipped it early. Trust me when i say that i kno you are in pain but the pain you would have gone thru had the R continued and having to break it off later would have easily been 10x as great. If you read some of the threads here im sure you can see that whether your male or female A's wreak havoc on your life so you should consider yourself one of the lucky ones that got out quickly. RickFox i feel the same way, i ignored so many warning signs and put up with so much i mostly just wanna kick myself for being such a fool. 1
Author wasntlooking Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Rick fox Your male perspective has been helpful thank you. Im sorry your A turned so bad for you. I hope you are doing better, im sure after all this time there still are bad days. I dont think ill ever truly forget my AP. I will just have to learn to live with that fact. Gosh i feel like a fool becausd you dont see any of the post A feelings coming when youre in that fog. Lesson learned. I know i shouldnt care about what he thinks or does but i do. My gut tells me most of the timd that he feels the same as me. Timing in life was just off and theres nothing we can do about if. Sigh, i wish i never had the opportunity to meet him. Ignorance is bliss. 4
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