jphcbpa Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You need to get out of that mindset consciously to have healthy relationships. It will take you a while, it's hard to change attractions styles since a lot of that we bring from home like you said. It's not impossible however. I have been working very hard on this for a couple of years now. It is the hardest work I have ever done in my life. Knowing is the first step. My last R. showed me that I could fully love someone, ask for my needs/wants, keep taking care of me, be fully vulnerable and letting someone be them. What was confusing was during the first 4 months she did not act avoidant at all. She was all in. Once we got close she would have periods of time of pulling away. I could feel it, but she never admitted to it until the end. By that time, it was too late. In a sense, the R was a success because I grew tremendously and learned about me and what I truly want in a partner. 1
Emilia Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 What was confusing was during the first 4 months she did not act avoidant at all. She was all in. Once we got close she would have periods of time of pulling away. I could feel it, but she never admitted to it until the end. By that time, it was too late. Yep, funny how they don't tell you to start off though usually avoidants like that come across a bit needy in the beginning, I find that a tell-tale. In a sense, the R was a success because I grew tremendously and learned about me and what I truly want in a partner. Good luck!
Itspointless Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) The two are linked. You can't have one without the other. The last few months I have been obsessively reading about avoidant attachment as I encountered an avoidant in a ldr (I am a bit on the anxious side, due to my personal history). I know many people here and in the outside world do not recommend investigating and reading into things, but it helps me to acknowledge what my heart knew last time I saw her. It also helps me to work on myself. The relation lasted too short because she got ill (again, next to some other unexpected problems that she had to face). I was perplexed with her reasons. Anyway, as I understand it independence and avoidance or not linked, because the literature makes a difference between self-regulation (autonomy) and auto-regulation. The two differ: Why Can't I Change?: How to Conquer Your Self-destructive Patterns - Shirley Impellizzeri - Google Boeken (p 22-24.) What was confusing was during the first 4 months she did not act avoidant at all. She was all in. Once we got close she would have periods of time of pulling away. I found the answer to this last week: Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and ... - Marion Solomon, Stan Tatkin - Google Books page 93 below. Edited February 6, 2014 by Itspointless 1
Author superwholock24 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Of course you are not a horrible person but the line I bolded worries me. Relationships and break ups take two. OP, can you tell us a little about your family background? Codependents usually have divorced parents, alcoholics in the family, addicts, that kind of thing. They tend to stay longer and work harder at relationships than they probably should. Any background info please? I know some of it must be his fault but because he was the best out of the two relationships I had, I thought it must be me that was the problem. I know deep down it takes two, but I really thought we were about to move in together and later get married etc, and I just thought we would always be together. My family background is wonderful - my parents are happily married for over 30 years, and there's no alcoholics or addicts at all. They have always been very supportive and have been there for me totally in my breakup. I wonder whether I am just on a quest for the relationship my parents have - very loving towards the other, don't do many activities away from each other, just happy being together and going on holidays/getaways. They generally don't like to be apart. 1
jphcbpa Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I found the answer to this last week: Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and ... - Marion Solomon, Stan Tatkin - Google Books page 93 below. that is right on. that is why during the week, from my perspective, on her end it was out of sight out of mind. then the weekends she would shift to super lovey dovey and then back again. that went on for months and months. i knew this and was very patient and loving. i just let her be and kept working on me. i saw the dance she was doing and she did not even know she was doing it. probably why it lasted as long as it did, 16 months. most men would have pushed her too hard and fast.
Author superwholock24 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Yep, funny how they don't tell you to start off though usually avoidants like that come across a bit needy in the beginning, I find that a tell-tale. Good luck! Yes very true! I distinctly remember my ex saying in the beginning that he was petrified I would just stop talking to him one day. I told him that would never happen and reassured him and was a bit confused why he thought that...I felt crushed when he threatened to do that to me a few times in the relationship because I wanted to discuss things he didn't want to or felt we had already discussed. My mum says I'm like a dog with a bone - one of my faults is wanting to talk things through so completely that it gets overwhelming.
Itspointless Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I know some of it must be his fault but because he was the best out of the two relationships I had, I thought it must be me that was the problem. I know deep down it takes two, but I really thought we were about to move in together and later get married etc, and I just thought we would always be together. My family background is wonderful - my parents are happily married for over 30 years, and there's no alcoholics or addicts at all. They have always been very supportive and have been there for me totally in my breakup. I wonder whether I am just on a quest for the relationship my parents have - very loving towards the other, don't do many activities away from each other, just happy being together and going on holidays/getaways. They generally don't like to be apart. Hi superwholock24, don't beat yourself up. My parents were loving too. There were little things that did planted the seeds for my anxiety, even before one of my parents got seriously ill. It often are little things that have big consequences with children. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I bet your ex is a fool as you sound like a sweet and loving person. Having said that is always good to look at ourselves critically and loving and the same time. Even as some of the attachment styles are insecure it does not mean that if you are anxious that there is something wrong with you. Just that you are a little hard on yourself. Some day you will find that other person, just like your parents did. I though I found her though, we understood each-other so well and I waited so long to find someone like her. It makes me really really sad
Never Again Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 that is right on. that is why during the week, from my perspective, on her end it was out of sight out of mind. then the weekends she would shift to super lovey dovey and then back again. that went on for months and months. i knew this and was very patient and loving. i just let her be and kept working on me. i saw the dance she was doing and she did not even know she was doing it. probably why it lasted as long as it did, 16 months. most men would have pushed her too hard and fast. Heh, I could be like this. My ex would text me every single day, and I backed off heavily...unless I saw her, and then I wanted to give her everything. I made excuses to not go see her, but when I did...everything was normal again. I only did this the last 2 months we were together and she never complained. I was just under a lot of stress (and a bit of depression) and rationalized it. I didn't even realize I was doing this due to "cloudy" thinking until she dumped me. I would've given anything for her to call me on my BS when I was doing it until waiting for it to hit a breaking point.
Author superwholock24 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Hi superwholock24, don't beat yourself up. My parents were loving too. There were little things that did planted the seeds for my anxiety, even before one of my parents got seriously ill. It often are little things that have big consequences with children. There is nothing wrong with who you are. I bet your ex is a fool as you sound like a sweet and loving person. Having said that is always good to look at ourselves critically and loving and the same time. Even as some of the attachment styles are insecure it does not mean that if you are anxious that there is something wrong with you. Just that you are a little hard on yourself. Some day you will find that other person, just like your parents did. I though I found her though, we understood each-other so well and I waited so long to find someone like her. It makes me really really sad Thanks I am really trying to reinforce to myself that I am a good person. I'd like to think he couldn't see what he had - but maybe he did and didn't want it. He was single for 5 years before we met and I think he got set in his ways and wants to do what we wants without worrying about someone else. I am using this time to learn about myself and learn to love me, so that I will feel ok if I don't meet someone for a while. I have always either been desperate for a boyfriend or with one! I am also going to try and be less hard on myself, as the only one suffering is me. I'm sorry you thought you found your one, but if it didnt work out then she must still be out there somewhere please don't be sad. You sound like a lovely person too my mum always says - 'what's for you won't go past you' - which means you haven't got it yet! P.S. - thank you all - I felt hopeless this morning and you have really lifted me. I'm going to distract myself with Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban for the rest of the evening and go to bed thinking good thoughts 1
maturityassets Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Really not worth beating yourself up over this. I had the same attitude earlier in the year when my ex ended the relationship. My need to call her on a nightly basis so I could quell my anxieties just by talking to someone was certainly co dependency. But my ex also seemed to have some issues such as commitment phobia, she only had short relationships prior to me and dumped each successive boyfriend when it became more intense than the previous one. So there is to show you it is not all one's fault. In the end you will see that this break up is for the best for both of you. You will overcome codependency to the point that you wouldn't want that person back because they would be just a reminder of how you use to be rather than what you want to be! Why now you are just grieving and bargaining/blaming yourself saying "if I was only better he would still be with me!" and that's normal. But like I said you can overcome this and when you meet someone new and special you will be a better "I" in that relationship. Feel better
Emilia Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 My mum says I'm like a dog with a bone - one of my faults is wanting to talk things through so completely that it gets overwhelming. Sounds to me that you need to learn - and this comes with experience - when to let go. As you date more, you learn what works for you, the kind of man that you can be in a long term relationship with who doesn't pull back from you emotionally, doesn't have abandonment issues (like your ex). It's important to work out compatibility with the other person fairly early on. There is only so much you can do with persistence as you are finding out for yourself. You need someone who is capable of a healthy relationship and actually wants one. You can't make them to. 1
jphcbpa Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 In the end you will see that this break up is for the best for both of you. You will overcome codependency to the point that you wouldn't want that person back because they would be just a reminder of how you use to be rather than what you want to be! This is true if the same person were to come back and they have not changed or willing to work on it.
Itspointless Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 i saw the dance she was doing and she did not even know she was doing it. probably why it lasted as long as it did, 16 months. most men would have pushed her too hard and fast. I noticed some little things before that could also have been due to other reasons. It is only in hindsight that the full picture emerged to me. At first I blamed the circumstances, but I noticed that it did not explain her behaviour at all. Well I guess she had enough space as I had had to fly to her I think we still would have been together if the circumstances would have been different. Probably I would had hit the wall later on. The reluctance with regard to the future surprised me, as she was very dreamy about us. I only did this the last 2 months we were together and she never complained. I was just under a lot of stress (and a bit of depression) and rationalized it. I didn't even realize I was doing this due to "cloudy" thinking until she dumped me. I would've given anything for her to call me on my BS when I was doing it until waiting for it to hit a breaking point. I am sorry it went like this for you. In my case I found out she knew. She interpreted her way of communicating as positive as more people she knows do it and her way of doing as positive as she had that image of being self-reliant.
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