Codependency - putting someone else first? Reason for breakup?

[superwholock24]

Hi everyone,

 

I am currently going through my worst breakup and am struggling to find answers

 

The term codependency is something I have come across while searching for answers - the fact that my self worth is so tied up in the other person, I will put them first and their level of happiness determines the relationship's happiness and my own happiness - I have always been like this and thought I was just a caring person, but I'm now worried I'm codependant and have ruined my last relationship because of this.

 

I have myself convinced that even down to me giving him gifts and the nice things I did, were because they were actually in my best interest to keep him happy and keep the relationship going. I'm in a bad place and it really sucks it feels like everything is my fault and I don't know what to do

 

I used to not like that he had all these activities many nights of the week and used to get at him about spending time with me instead - I thought it was because I loved him a lot and wanted to see him all the time, but under the guise of codependency did I just want to control him so I could have him all to myself?

 

I have viewed the relationship breakup as being all my fault, and having come across the term codependency I have now convinced myself that really I was 'abusing' him by wanting to control what he did, even down to the way he loved me - after the honeymoon phase I felt he didn't show or say enough how he felt, which heightened my insecurities

 

I can't believe I just couldn't let him 'be him'. I just loved him so much and didn't want to let him go, or to be alone, and I'm worried I just ran the relationship into the ground I've convinced myself he was perfect and everything was my fault under my 'codependency' problems

 

I hate that I discovered this term! What if I'm a horrible person and I didn't realise?

 

Thank you to anyone that replies - I'm not sure where to go from here.

Edited February 6, 2014 by superwholock24
Posted by accident before I was finished

[jphcbpa]

Therapy, 12 step, Pia Mellody "facing codependency", melody Beattie "language of letting go.

[superwholock24]

Thanks, I will look into them. I am thinking of calling the doctors today to see if they can refer me to someone to talk to.

 

In the meantime I am freaking out, blaming the whole thing on myself to crazy extents and believing that he hasn't done anything wrong and is perfect yes there were things in the relationship that we weren't a good match on, and it seems like he has accepted that that's the case and moved on so easily and I am stuck in hell after 5 months idealising everything.

[Itspointless]

Try this test and read up on attachment theory: Attachment Style

 

Dont blame yourself, codependency is not per se a bad thing. But something you need to be conscience of if it is from an insecure base position. The book 'attached' is a nice read.

[theothersully]

Whoa!!!!!!

 

Hold on here!

 

Do NOT beat yourself up!

 

It sounds to me like you are fantastic girlfriend/wife material and a very caring/loving person who is looking for an answer to your failed relationship and found that answer in "codependency". (note the prefix co! )

 

Please do not change. When I get married or into another serious relationship, I only hope I am lucky enough to find someone with your refreshing attitude.

 

See, you just need to find other compatible people to date. If we dated, it would be a match made i heaven. I do the same thing for my partner and i just finished a 12 year relationship (10 of them married, but divorced due to a diagnosed, degenerative mentall illness). My marriage was just like what you are describing and that is why it worked!

 

I spent 24/7/365 with my ex and we both loved it!

 

So do not worry. You are a great, rare person who enjoys a relationship on a deeper level than the average person. Some genius who doesn't know how to feel at this deeper level coined the phrase "codependency" because they didn't understand, in my opinion.

 

This is a very good character trait, and I find it very attractive. It's exactly how I am in a relationship and exactly who i am looking for. Don't ever change!

[Itspointless]

This is a very good character trait, and I find it very attractive. It's exactly how I am in a relationship and exactly who i am looking for. Don't ever change!

This is precisely why attachment theory is so interesting to know more about.

[theothersully]

This is precisely why attachment theory is so interesting to know more about.

 

Took the test.... here are the results.

 

 

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

 

My blue dot landed just about on the word "secure" in the chart, yet... i cherish and enjoy spending as much time as possible with someone I'm in love with and thrive on seeing them happy.

 

Just like OP.

[Itspointless]

Took the test.... here are the results.

 

 

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

 

My blue dot landed just about on the word "secure" in the chart, yet... i cherish and enjoy spending as much time as possible with someone I'm in love with and thrive on seeing them happy.

 

Just like OP.

Sounds good. Nevertheless knowing more about attachment theory is interesting, as with your partner it is the combination of yours styles. According to this paradigm dependency is not a bad thing as humans are deeply social in their nature.

 

Cant speak for the OP, she may have a different style :-)

[superwholock24]

Hi everyone - thank you so much for your replies.

 

I know I am insecure and loving myself is one of the things I am working on while I am alone. In the last 6 years I have only been single for 3 months between relationships so I feel I need this time. Not that I meet anyone easily anyway.

 

itspointless - thank you for the link to the attachment test - I scored as pre-occupied (5.49 on the anxiety scale of 1-7 and 1.44 on the avoidance scale of the same numbers).

 

I have only had 2 relationships so find it hard to categorise that I feel one way or the other about my partners as they were different. I know I am a very anxious person but my general view on relationships is that I want someone I think the world of and that I can know they feel the same about me through their actions / words. In the beginning of the last relationship I felt this way, but i don't think that's who the person was underneath, and it came out eventually. At least I hope that's the case. He did always say later on in the relationship that being non-emotional and detached was 'just how he was' but that wasn't who I fell in love with.

 

theothersully - your first response literally brought tears to my eyes. I was feeling so down and hopeless and wrote my original post at 4 in the morning - and to know that someone views the way I am as a positive was lovely to read. I know I do need to be more relaxed about things and hope to move into the 'secure' category one day like you. I like to spend lots of time with a partner and love it when they're happy - but it's hard when what seems to makes the person happiest is the things they do without you.

 

I need to try and focus on the good things I do have in my life and stop thinking the only way I can be happy is if someone loves me in a romantic way. I guess I don't like myself very much and need to learn to!

[theothersully]

"but it's hard when what seems to makes the person happiest is the things they do without you." -superwholock24

 

This, exactly!

Imo, this should never happen.I love snowboarding with a passion. Sailing too. My ex wife did these things with me. She loved extremely long walks (many miles) and sitting down to read for an entire day. I did these things and more with her. I hate shopping, but gladly learned the difference between a foundation and a primer at MAC and Sephora, while she spent an hour or two picking them out. We cooked together, ate together, went grocery shopping together. We worked together. We experienced many magical things traveling together. We fought her mental illnesses together (won many, but lost the war). She had a huge fascination and love for birds. I went birding with her.

 

I loved everything she did and was into because I loved HER. She enjoyed things i was into the same level.

 

We were two different people who came together to be one. This is what successful, fulfilling relationships are all about. Getting lost in your partner and sharing something magic only the two of you share.

 

So i think you were right to be offended that the thing that made him happiest was something he excluded you from. If he was capable of this true, higher love, he should have been very excited about introducing you to his other passions in life, not enjoying them without you. You were right.

 

For example, i spent many boring days from a snowboarding perspective, teaching my wife. but i was kind, patient and loving with her and eventually she went down some pretty fun trails with me. Sailing is quite a bit more difficult, but we each had our niches aboard and everything ran smoothly.

Edited February 6, 2014 by theothersully

[jphcbpa]

I too am in the "secure" quadrant. Guess my problem was the ex being an avoidant.

[superwholock24]

That's exactly what I am looking for

 

He loves badminton, watching football, and later on, running. I went to watch him at badminton and was proud when he did well, and even when he didn't. I was just proud if him. I didn't watch football I must admit, but I did go to one or two matches with him and showed interest. I didn't support him running really - I think we were pretty far gone by then and I felt it was yet another activity that I couldn't / didn't want to get involved in - I'm not a running person and for reasons I don't quite understand, I just couldn't get behind it. I did try and go running / walking with him but I found it boring I do feel bad about that but things like snowboarding etc seem much more exciting to me - even though I am mostly an indoors person!

 

It's lovely that you and your wife were so supportive of each other - top of my list is someone who doesn't mind coming makeup shopping with me! hopefully I can find another person that I have more interests in common with in my next relationship.

[theothersully]

That's exactly what I am looking for

 

He loves badminton, watching football, and later on, running. I went to watch him at badminton and was proud when he did well, and even when he didn't. I was just proud if him. I didn't watch football I must admit, but I did go to one or two matches with him and showed interest. I didn't support him running really - I think we were pretty far gone by then and I felt it was yet another activity that I couldn't / didn't want to get involved in - I'm not a running person and for reasons I don't quite understand, I just couldn't get behind it. I did try and go running / walking with him but I found it boring I do feel bad about that but things like snowboarding etc seem much more exciting to me - even though I am mostly an indoors person!

 

It's lovely that you and your wife were so supportive of each other - top of my list is someone who doesn't mind coming makeup shopping with me! hopefully I can find another person that I have more interests in common with in my next relationship.

 

You will find that person. Just don't change or find fault within yourself.

 

It is truly the other people that are wrong here.

 

You have it right.

[jphcbpa]

You will find that person. Just don't change or find fault within yourself.

 

It is truly the other people that are wrong here.

 

You have it right.

 

Have your person of interest take the "attachment style" quiz before falling in love. Seriously. Why waste your time with someone who is avoidant, cant let you in and gets scared when a R gets close.

[Itspointless]

Have your person of interest take the "attachment style" quiz before falling in love. Seriously. Why waste your time with someone who is avoidant, cant let you in and gets scared when a R gets close.

Or when she has to face some problems and cuts you off.

[jphcbpa]

Or when she has to face some problems and cuts you off.

 

or instead of working on it with you, she goes at it alone because that is all she has ever known and is comfortable with. never having pushed through the other side to that everything is fine over there too.

[Never Again]

Have your person of interest take the "attachment style" quiz before falling in love. Seriously. Why waste your time with someone who is avoidant, cant let you in and gets scared when a R gets close.

 

Because sometimes these people want to change, but just find it difficult?

 

My quiz landed me straight in the avoidant category. Mostly in "dismissive" but a bit in "fear" as well.

 

I tend to be a bit avoidant, but it doesn't mean that I always want to be. I'm well aware of these tendencies and battled against them in my last relationship.

 

I ended up being a little passive/doormatty because I wanted to do everything I could to ensure her happiness while I withdrew (didn't help that I was doing this because I was going through a brief but intense depression that I also hid).

 

Some of us just have no idea how to become inter-dependent, but that doesn't mean we don't WANT to be.

[jphcbpa]

Because sometimes these people want to change, but just find it difficult?

 

My quiz landed me straight in the avoidant category. Mostly in "dismissive" but a bit in "fear" as well.

 

I tend to be a bit avoidant, but it doesn't mean that I always want to be. I'm well aware of these tendencies and battled against them in my last relationship.

 

I ended up being a little passive/doormatty because I wanted to do everything I could to ensure her happiness while I withdrew (didn't help that I was doing this because I was going through a brief but intense depression that I also hid).

 

Some of us just have no idea how to become inter-dependent, but that doesn't mean we don't WANT to be.

 

Good for you for seeing where you are and wanting to work on it. That is the best thing you can do and the start.

 

My ex and I both knew what was going on with her at the end of the R. I knew long before she did because I knew her R pattern. She never saw that as a problem until she met me. Part of her wanted me/us and the other part of her scared her away from it. It was a battle for her.

 

In the end, I told her that I know what is going on and I am willing to work on it with her. I have been in therapy for years and in recover (12 step for over a decade) so I was a very will partner and accepting. She just started therapy and I think learning about herself scared herself. I told her I would work on this with her. She said she needed to do this on her own. That part probably hurt me the most...the fact that she would not give us a real shot and work together on a R that was beautiful when she was not pulling away.

 

Kudos to you and I hope you continue in your journey.

[Emilia]

I have viewed the relationship breakup as being all my fault, and having come across the term codependency I have now convinced myself that really I was 'abusing' him by wanting to control what he did, even down to the way he loved me - after the honeymoon phase I felt he didn't show or say enough how he felt, which heightened my insecurities

 

I can't believe I just couldn't let him 'be him'. I just loved him so much and didn't want to let him go, or to be alone, and I'm worried I just ran the relationship into the ground I've convinced myself he was perfect and everything was my fault under my 'codependency' problems

Of course you are not a horrible person but the line I bolded worries me. Relationships and break ups take two.

 

OP, can you tell us a little about your family background? Codependents usually have divorced parents, alcoholics in the family, addicts, that kind of thing. They tend to stay longer and work harder at relationships than they probably should.

 

Any background info please?

[jphcbpa]

Personally, I like a woman who is slightly (very slightly) avoidant. In other words, she has her own life, gets loved independently, but is able to share her life with me interdependently.

 

I like my private time as well and do not need to be up a womans a$$ all the time.

 

A woman up my a$$ is not attractive either.

 

With my ex, seeing each other 2xs a week was fine with me. What was not fine was how little she let me into her world emotionally and how reluctant she was to discuss the future.

[Emilia]

Personally, I like a woman who is slightly (very slightly) avoidant. In other words, she has her own life, gets loved independently, but is able to share her life with me interdependently.

 

I like my private time as well and do not need to be up a womans a$$ all the time.

 

A woman up my a$$ is not attractive either.

 

With my ex, seeing each other 2xs a week was fine with me. What was not fine was how little she let me into her world emotionally and how reluctant she was to discuss the future.

The two are linked. You can't have one without the other.

[jphcbpa]

The two are linked. You can't have one without the other.

 

that is why I said, slightly.

 

I do not need a woman to "check in" with me, but I do like to know how her day went, what she learned, ect. Not so I can "fix" anything she has going on, but to build trust and sharing.

 

A balance, partial overlap

[Emilia]

that is why I said, slightly.

 

I do not need a woman to "check in" with me, but I do like to know how her day went, what she learned, ect. Not so I can "fix" anything she has going on, but to build trust and sharing.

Someone is either an avoidant or not, there is no 'slightly'.

 

Securely attached people are independent (ie not needy) but avoidants are emotionally unavailable, you can't pick and choose to what scale, you probably aren't in the position to determine how much so anyway. If you prefer avoidants, you are probably an avoidant yourself.

[jphcbpa]

Someone is either an avoidant or not, there is no 'slightly'.

 

Securely attached people are independent (ie not needy) but avoidants are emotionally unavailable, you can't pick and choose to what scale, you probably aren't in the position to determine how much so anyway. If you prefer avoidants, you are probably an avoidant yourself.

 

You spot it, you got it.

 

I probably tend to "pick" avoidants to replay my childhood set up. My dad was and my brother is.

 

I have been taking a look at that as well.

 

Funny thing is that I have played the avoidant is many of my past R as well. There are two sides to every coin. I have played the love avoidant and love addict within the same R as well.

[Emilia]

I probably tend to "pick" avoidants to replay my childhood set up. My dad was and my brother is.

 

I have been taking a look at that as well.

 

Funny thing is that I have played the avoidant is many of my past R as well. There are two sides to every coin.

You need to get out of that mindset consciously to have healthy relationships. It will take you a while, it's hard to change attractions styles since a lot of that we bring from home like you said. It's not impossible however.