Author Man of regrets Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 If you really think there is a genuine choice here, and that there is no passion with your W, then you should probably end you second relationship and educate yourself about how to create passion within the confines of an established marriage (what Perel calls bridging the erotic with the domestic) But if you think that there really is no physical chemistry between you and your wife, then you should probably leave. It makes no difference if you stay with the younger woman because that will become your primary relationship and it will either die or thrive because of what the two of you put into it. But if you're thinking, do I risk the new girl, because she is sexier than the old, but im worried about losingw both by going for the younger, then you are deceiving yourself, and need to get back into your marriage before you actually do lose it. I think what worries me is if I actually AM deceiving myself. Because if I would trust only my emotions (without brain) I would stay with the new girl. But my emotions has deceived me before, and I miss the passion very much. But even though I feel very convinced that I want to be with the new girl, maybe it's only a temporary feeling? That's what I'm not sure about. Because she's the one making me truly happy and I see no problems in life when I'm with her, and maybe this emotion for her became stronger because I met her when I was in a bad condition already, and I needed something new in life to repair myself. She reminds me of an easy life without big responsibilities and demands. A life where I can just be happy and feel love every day. Now of course I know this is not a true life, and I know there's no real life without responsibilities and demands. I wouldn't even like that kind of life, but in that moment when I was being depressed I really needed that kind of of life. So what worries me is that the new girl is just an illusion of a "perfect life". That my mind is messing with me again. And some days I think, "Well, only way to find out is to go for it. I don't want to die curious. You should follow your heart and your dreams before life is over", other days I feel "My wife will always stand by my side, it's my comfort zone where I spent my life the last 10 years. With a lovely apartment, good economy, dinners, movies, friends etc....but no passion...from my side...because something is blocking me." And surely I can educate myself about passion in my marriage, but I experienced so much better passion with another person that I think it's hard to imagine that kind of passion with my wife, maybe I will always compare? She can read me so easily if I'm not excited. Me and my wife haven't even been close that kind of passion I had with the other girl. So like I said, it's a mental blocking from my side...it's like I lost hope about passion for her. Maybe I can change that feeling, but I don't know how. So I feel kind of stuck in a spinning wheel. I'm in limbo like you said.
No Limit Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Get your head free and spend some time with yourself, as others have already recommended to you. It's the only way you'll make at least some progress, but considering that your wife already gave you an ultimatum I'm very sure she will do the decision for you. She won't be your backup plan/second choice forever. Everyone gives up after a while, as you well know; by the time you've had an affair you've long given up on working on your marriage rather than your 'playmate'.
Author Man of regrets Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 As I tried to say, I you seem convinced that if you stay with your W your future is mediocre at best. It just isnt there. You know what you CAN have with the other. So go there, even if it becomes a short term arrangement, there you are getting what you want. If it dies, or breaks, you know at least WHAT you want in a partner and as importantly what you dont want. Because you have a child with this first woman, your job will be to eventually have the kind of friendship / amiable relationship necessary for the betterment of the child. This is what you have now but its your total marriage! I have been through this myself, leaving a woman I knew I did not want to marry or be with but accomodated our relationship when she got pregnant by "accident" and I stepped up. A year and a half later I abandoned the common law relationship because it simply wasnt sustainable, but I have a fantastic relationship with my son, and a very good but uncomplicated relationship with my ex. I now live in Europe and can even sometimes sleep in their home to help with medical issues related to him that I wont go into now. My current wife and daughter here in Europe are also very comfortable and sociable with my ex. It all depends on everyone doing what they can to be civil and mature. IF you exit, try to do it nicely so that the issues regarding access to your child dont get messy. Thanks man, you always tell me wise words, I feel stronger after reading your posts, and I feel less worried what to do. I think you are right.
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