I can't choose, how to decide (long story)

[Man of regrets]

I'm love two women, one of them is my wife. I would like to have to guidance or suggestions what to do, because I'm in a very difficult situation of life, and I don't know how to solve it, and I'm not blaming any one but myself, so I'm not asking for any sympathy or someone to explain what a big ******* I am. I know this already, and every day I feel ashamed of myself, but I don't see it as an option to put an end my own life because of this, I hurt myself, but mostly I hurt two other people, and that's what hurts the most. Because I know that I won't be able to end this situation without one of them will be even more heartbroken. And I'm afraid that I will regret my decision for the rest of my life.

 

I will try to make a short description of myself, my wife and my mistress so that maybe it's easier to understand the characters.

ME: I'm 32 years old, I had a happy childhood in a small society with good family, good friends. Non religious family but still good values about life, and I was brought up be kind and helpful to others. I'm a happy person who likes to laugh, I'm positive and bring calmness to most people I talk to, that's what I'm told. I'm pretty tall and fairly good looking as well. But I'm not at all someone who get all the looks. People usually like me more after talking to me. However, in my childhood I was pretty chubby (not fat), shy and I had no experience with girls.

 

Because I was too shy, and I never felt that any girl was interested in me anyway so I acted as if I wasn't interested either. When I actually spoke to girls I remember how nervous I was, because I always wanted to make a good impression and that maybe one of these girls some day would take notice of me and try to get my attention. Because I was too shy to take the first step myself. Anyway, my REAL first love experience, I had when I was 19 but it was only by Internet.

 

Because that's the time when Internet started to become popular to meet other people, and I realized it was a good way for me to meet someone since it's much easier to type than talking to someone new, I can talk with more self confidence. She was from another country, but we still ended up meeting, I liked her very much and by the age of 19 I traveled there all alone to meet her...at the age of 24 I married her and she became my only wife

 

MY WIFE: She's also 32 years old, she grew up in a big city abroad with a good family, lots of friends, academic education. But unlike me, she grew up in a very religious family. She's a very kind person and very charismatic, a bit aggressive, people usually love her very easily at her work or in private. Unlike me, she's very talkative, a bit too talkative in my opinion, because she doesn't stop and wait for others to talk. She also has opinions about everything, she's a control freak and she's not afraid to tell her point of view. And she's also very black and white in her opinions. It's either right or wrong, while I'm more in the middle trying to see both point of views. I'm also her first love, but that's more because of her religious believes rather than lack of offers from guys. I would say she was very beautiful, and she still is, she gets the looks very often on the streets. Way out of my league. But I think she fell for my personality, my blue eyes and blond hair. Which is pretty rare where she comes from.

MY MISTRESS: She's only 20 years old, she grew up on the country side in a foreign country, she had a poor childhood, and when her dad died she had a to live a many years with relatives, because her mum couldn't afford to take care of all her kids. She had to start working from young age, because it was the only option. Unlike me and my wife, she had a youth where she had relations with boyfriends and so on. She's a pretty calm person, a bit shy, but also very playful and she has a wild side. She has many sides depending on the mood. She can lose her temper pretty fast for any reason, but she can also give you the most cute laugh the next second so that you forget all the problems. She's also extremely beautiful, one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, probably more beautiful than she realize herself, maybe because she comes from a poor society, and doesn't get the attention she deserve, I don't know.

 

My Story: When I met my wife at age of 19 she became my everything, I never really experienced love before, and that a beautiful girl like her even considered to marry someone like me was incredible. I was so in love and my whole life was about her. But it was hard times because she was living in another country and this meant we could only meet like two occasions per year. But she became my everything and I was living with my parents during all this time so that I could save money to afford as many trips as possible, and all the money I earned was to go see her. She was the only that mattered to me. I even converted to her religion because she made me like it, she made me believe in something, but she also told me that it would be difficult to marry if I didn't belong to the same religion.

 

Sure, I wasn't totally convinced with all the rules and traditions in the religion, but I set my mind to do my best, I tried to convince myself that this was the way to live, because I did after all search for the meaning of life, and of course I made her very happy to tell that I converted. But I'm still not sure if I did it for the love of her or for the love of religion. I would guess that my love for her made me love the religion. However, at the age of 24 we decided to get married, both of us virgins. At this age, I had been working for some years, I had become more mature with more self confidence, so at this point I could have found another girl if I wanted, but now I was convinced to not have sex before marriage, and that she was the only one on this planet, so I kept this promise. But just a few months before the marriage I started to have second thoughts, is this what I wanted? I wasn't totally convinced.

 

I loved her, but there was something else, I didn't feel 100% comfortable with the religion, and so I remember we had told her relatives that I also had an academic education, because it was for "the best", they also started to call me another name because it was for the best? More suitable?. And I did everything to please everyone, and for me it didn't matter so much....at first...because she meant everything to me. In other words, I felt like my identity was taken away from me, or that I gave it away. However, she of course became very furious when I tried to postpone the wedding, but she still pleaded me to marry her, so I did, and I didn't regret it. I became very happy. She moved to my country and we had many beautiful years together. Sure there was a few things I couldn't tolerate about her, but that I guess is the same in all relationships.

 

Most of all we had very good times together. She made it perfect into the society, she found good work, she learned the language well etc. But after 4 or 5 years of marriage things were starting to feel different. I didn't feel much attraction to her anymore. The desire for sex was gone. Actually our sex life had never really been that good. I have always been into sex, but none of us had any experience of real sex, intercourse. And I thought that having sex with her was pretty boring after a while, she was pretty traditional and didn't want to try something new, she was only doing little effort, and left all the job to me, and I wondered if it's supposed to be that way. But I didn't want to say this to her, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I started to have sex on my own instead, mostly while looking at the internet like when I was a teenager.

 

I found this more exciting than having sex with my wife. Of course I felt guilty, but I had to do something with my lust and desires, and I thought that at least it's better rather than sleeping with another girl, because I despised those people who cheated on their wives. I started to feel that I had married someone too fast with any experiences of other girls. Nothing to compare my situation. After some time I even thought about divorcing her, but I could never say that to her, I still loved her too much and I didn't want to break her heart. She was my sweet heart, my everything. But a few years before this situation we had a fight once and she told me that she wants to divorce and I begged her to stay with me, crying like a baby. And we made peace. But now it was me who wanted to divorce and probably she noticed on me that something was wrong and she asked me, do you want to divorce? And I replied, I'm not sure, what do you think?

 

That made her furious, and she almost threw me out, I had to sleep on the couch for 3 days. and I had to tell her how sorry I am for thousands of times. I did not make her sleep on the couch when she wanted to divorce, because in the way I see it, it's always different when she say something comparing to when something comes from my mouth. So since then I didn't even dare to bring up any problems, because I didn't want her rage. But she could still keep talking about leaving me if we had a hard fight. So I started to feel it was a bit unfair, but I still couldn't imagine a life without her. Maybe because I felt that I couldn't find someone like her again, and she in sort of way told me this a couple of times also, and I believed in it. I was afraid of losing this "perfect life". Because from the outside we probably looked like a perfect and happy couple.

 

But year passed and one and a half year ago we spent vacation with her parents, as we do every year, and there something happened to me, I felt like I was suffocating in this situation, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to go out and explore the world, do something on my own. I was to fed up with her "high class society", and I looked in rear view mirror of my life and started to wonder where I'm going. Was this my dream when I was young? It felt more like I realized someone else's dream rather than creating my own. Now I wanted to divorce again, but I didn't know how to do it, because every time this was about to happen I started crying and I could never help myself. She on the other hand, she wanted to get kids, because she meant that it's time for it. I said that I was unsure, but she said that this will make our marriage much better.

 

So I went into a depression, a deep depression. But I didn't seek help, what I did was to start talking with other people on the Internet. And one day I met a wonderful girl. She was very exotic, and she even spoke another language I didn't know, but I learn this language while speaking to her and that was very exciting. This became like a way for me to calm down, to talk about things with someone else with different experiences and different point of views of life. It was like a fresh breath of air. But I never told my wife about this girl, I kept it as a secret, it was pretty innocent anyway, and she was living thousands miles away, I didn't see it as cheating. I was just entertaining myself when my own life was very boring. But after a while I didn't even care about my own life anymore, this Internet contact started to become more important. I needed to talk to her everyday, because she was the only one who gave me true happiness, and my wife didn't even seems to care much anyway, because she preferred watching TV or something.

 

After some time this other girl asked me if I was married, then I told her no! Probably because in my mind my marriage was already over, I had set my mind to divorce my wife anyway, I just didn't know how to do it. Because this other girl obviously she liked me very much, and was happy to know that I wasn't married. Me and my wife of course didn't get kids, but it's of natural causes since we didn't have enough sex and I wasn't frankly interested anymore. Then she came up with the brilliant idea of making an IVF. I became terrified and tried to make her not think of this. A normal man would have told her that I don't want kids with you, I think we should divorce. But I was trying to say no to this in a "kind" way to not make her sad. But of course she became furious instead and wanted divorce. I should have taken the chance there and accepted it maybe, but I couldn't do it. Regrets was hitting my head and I thought how I could be o cruel to her, she just wanted a baby, and I'm not giving her this right. So I sort of changed my mind for her sake....again.

 

But just a couple of days before we were about to do it, I was hit by panic, I was shaking, I could hardly eat, hardly sleep or do anything. I got panic attacks. I begged her that I can't do this. But she's mentally much stronger than me and she convinced me to go. That the panic will disappear once we're there. She told me I will feel calmer there. But I didn't, I fainted a couple of times while sitting there. Then I thought my wife would have second thoughts and not continue this, but no, she was determent. I wasn't able to leave my sperms, I just couldn't do it. But when I came in to her room, she just told me, if you don't do this now, then leave and you'll never see me again. I took it as a threat, and in my weak condition I couldn't think for myself. I did as she said. But I really regretted it. I was feeling **** for several days. And the day when we were supposed to put back the eggs inside of her, I panicked again.

 

And I said I don't want to do this. I'm not ready for this. But she tricked me that we will just go there and then we can ask if it's possible to postpone it. I agreed. But once there she of course didn't do anything to stop it. I was sitting in a waiting room and then they said it was done. In this moment something happened to me, I felt so betrayed. Like I let things gone too far. I don't even have the right to decide over myself anymore. That's how it felt, and in that moment I hated my wife. I felt raped, strong word, but that's how I felt then. Our marriage of course went even more downhill and all of a sudden my wife started to feel worried about me too, but I just felt more depressed for every day. She was happy, but she couldn't share the happiness with anyone, but I felt that she could suit herself. I told her my opinion long time ago, but she still insisted.

 

I felt I had to get away somewhere. I was still talking to the other girl on the Internet, but I didn't tell her anything of this, because she was my only source to talk about other things and not think how bad my life had become. So eventually I decided to meet her. She wanted to meet me and I wanted to meet her too. I told my wife that I needed some time for myself and she could see my condition so she had no problem with this. She just wanted me to become better. And actually that's what I hoped this trip would make to me. Give me back my happiness. I didn't tell her that I was going to meet anyone, because then she would become suspicious. But I didn't feel so bad, because I didn't have any intention to cheat on her, I never had this intention. But once I arrived there and met this girl, it was like the sun appeared in front of my eyes, a sun that I had not been able to see for a year.

 

This girl opened a new chapter in my life. I was happy again. I fell in love, totally. And she was in love too, she had boyfriends before, but not anyone like me, it was very different with me she said. Of course her age was a kind of issue it's almost 12 years difference, but I always saw age as a number, it's the mental age that counts, and we understood each other and we had lots of fun together in her country. And I had best time of my life in many years. I almost forgot that life could be so lovely, I woke up from my depression.

 

But in the end of this trip this girl started to suspect something, because she noticed that I wrote messages to another girl every day, and even if she didn't know the language she understood enough that it wasn't just a friend. She asked me again if I was married, I denied, because I didn't want to lose this happiness now. But in the end I had to admit that I was married, but that we were divorcing. We were not living together anymore. It was a lie of course, but in my mind we weren't living together mentally. Because mentally I was more close to this girl living thousands of miles away. I kept lying to myself. And I had the intention to leave my wife when I returned. But once I met my wife again, I became weak again. I had a nice time with her also, especially now when I came back from this trip, like a new man, my wife noticed it too. '

 

And she was after all going to have our baby, and this thought made me shiver, but I kept saying to myself that maybe there won't be a baby, my mind told me that this won't happen. I lived in denial. Because I felt that I couldn't leave her while she was pregnant. But now the problem started to how keep up with two relationships. Because I didn't want to lose the other girl who made me so happy, my only source of true happiness. But I didn't know how to solve this, so I just waited....

 

The bomb happened a few months after, naturally...like 2 months before my wife was going to deliver. Because she went to deliver in her country. I had to tell her that I didn't want to go there, because I had a depression before and I didn't want her family to make me even more depressed. That's the place that first made me depressed. But while she was being there we fought pretty much on the phone. Once again she talked about leaving me, and I felt that I cared less now, maybe because she told me this so many times and maybe that's what I wanted anyway, that she would leave me. Would be much easier since I couldn't do it myself. But at the same time I didn't want to leave her in this condition being pregnant, and of course I started to accept now that I was going to have a baby and I wanted to be there. I didn't want my child to have separated parents. But just a few days after the fight my wife called again, and now she found out what I was doing, she had somehow "hacked" account, and she had seen photos and messages I wrote to the other girl.

 

Of course she was devastated. I also felt devastated, because I never wanted to hurt my wife...that's the least I wanted. This was only to boost my own ego and make myself feel better, not to make her feel worse. It was a horrible week, I felt horrible, and probably my wife felt worse. I never wanted to do this to her, I felt so extremely ashamed. And my wife also sent a message to the other girl explaining that I'm still married to her and we're going to have a baby. Then I had to of course hurry to write a message to her also and explained how sorry I am. And I wrote a long message asking for forgiveness, tried to explain what happened. Because now I hurt both my wife, a young girl and I was also feeling really down and sad and I felt that I was losing everything in life. I also asked for forgiveness to my wife. And to my surprise, the young girl forgave me and still wanted to be with me despite the lies, because she never experienced true happiness before she met me. And my wife also "forgave" me a few days after. She wanted me back because she could see her mistakes also. Even though I told her that my action can never be justified, maybe explained but never justified. So now once again I was back in the same situation, only more complicated. Because they knew about each other as well. I couldn't continue sneaking.

 

Of course it's good it ended because I couldn't continue like this, but I just wanted it to end in a less drastic way with less tears. And it would if I would have been more straight forward with my wife from the start and actually divorced her. But I still felt that I couldn't leave her and especially now I even felt lots of guilt after what I had done to her, and that made it even more difficult. And went there and was with her when she delivered our baby. I felt very good being next to my wife our new baby. In a way I never expected. My wife wanted us to be a family for real but then she wanted me to stop talking to the other girl. However, I went back home alone after a few days, because I didn't have more vacation days, and we still needed an income. My wife had to stay of course, because the baby was very young to fly to another country and also needed a passport. While being home alone again, I felt how much I missed the other girl again. So we started talk like before. After some time my wife noticed this and she told me it's over. I didn't know what to think. Because I had lived such long time away from her anyway. But of course I missed her very much also, it was lonely living alone, seeing her things in our apartment always reminded me of her. When I went to buy things for the baby something came over me. Like a sorrow, that I missed my family very much. That we were supposed to be together. I told my wife this and she wanted me to come and get them.

 

She wanted to be with me again. But just after one week she noticed that I was still talking to the other girl and she told me that this is my last chance. If we should be a couple I had to stop this. But I felt that I couldn't, because the other girl means too much to me, I totally understand my wife's point of view, but I still can't help that I miss the other girl. And she thinks that I'm still going to make a divorce to wife. So I'm just buying time here, but I know it has to end some day. And I don't know what to do.

 

Most easy way is of course to continue with my wife, because we have everything, she is obviously very committed to me since she still wants to continue despite what I've done, we have a baby together, we have an apartment together, both of us have good jobs.

But on the other hand, I became so depressed living with her that it made me commit an action I never thought I would do, and I'll always be ashamed of this, this means something too. This action was a way to get out, a scream for help. I feel a bit undermined being with her. And will the sex life ever be good? I have doubts.

 

The other girl in the other hand, I'm very much love with, she's funny, exciting. Makes me happy. She awakes my lust like no one did before. But I don't have that much experience of her, yes we write every day, but we didn't live 8 years with each other like I did with my wife. She also has a more difficult situation in her life, coming from a poor society, and not much education. But this makes me want to help her. Give her an opportunity she never had before. If I would leave her I would think of her every day how she's doing. Because I used to help her with money every now and then.

 

So choosing my wife is a comfort life with my family, but no excitement and sex. My mistress gives me all the excitement and fun and hunger for life, bigger adventure, but the rest about her is still a big question no clue about the future..

 

After reading this long story. What would you do?

Edited February 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added much needed paragraphs, maybe add a condensed version to the this thread

[RightThere]

After reading this long story. What would you do?

 

I would give your head a shake, tell you to leave your wife, because you really don't want to be with her.

 

Go be with the fun, exciting girl you know very little about. Because that will be the only real way you get perspective on the situation.

[thummper]

Kinda hard to read. Use paragraphs. It makes it easier to keep up with what you're trying to say.

[kalimata]

Manofregrets:

 

So basically you're 32 year old dude who is banging a young 20something hottie and your wife found out about it. You are committing adultery and want us to help you decide what to do? Are you crazy?

 

Pick one or the other dude, don't keep playing both of these women like this. If you are not into your wife anymore then DIVORCE HER and go and pursue the 20 year old hottie.

 

Your young child deserves better than this. Stop being so selfish.

[violet1]

This is going to sound harsh, but you need to pull your head out of your behind and take some responsibility. In your entire post all you have done is blame your wife for everything.

 

Honestly, I don't think you are a good match for your W or the 20 year old. You lied and deceived both of them. I think you need to see a counselor and get your head straight because you are a daddy now whether you like it or not. Please don't be a man who abandons his own child. There's already enough men in this world like that. Stop being selfish, man up and be the father your baby deserves.

[Man of regrets]

Kinda hard to read. Use paragraphs. It makes it easier to keep up with what you're trying to say.

 

 

Yes, I'm aware of the large text, and that lots of people won't even bother to read it, I wanted to make it much shorter, but I felt there's lots of things I wanted to explain to make the story more understandable. Understandable why some bad decisions were made.

[Man of regrets]

Manofregrets:

 

So basically you're 32 year old dude who is banging a young 20something hottie and your wife found out about it. You are committing adultery and want us to help you decide what to do? Are you crazy?

 

Pick one or the other dude, don't keep playing both of these women like this. If you are not into your wife anymore then DIVORCE HER and go and pursue the 20 year old hottie.

 

Your young child deserves better than this. Stop being so selfish.

 

Yes, I'm selfish in this situation. And yes, I'm crazy, otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation. But normally I'm not a selfish person. I turned selfish because I felt disappointed with myself, that I had only thought about others and not myself in the past. But I don't like myself in this moment. I used to despise men who cheated.

 

And I'm not exactly banging a 20 year old hottie yet, because we're living thousand miles apart.

 

And yes, of course my child deserves better. It's a big part of the guilt I feel. And that's what my mind is fighting. Should I stay in my relationship for my child's sake, because that's what's expected of me, but instead live an unhappy life eventually. I say eventually because maybe me and my wife will feel better together again. Who knows? But I will always feel guilt towards my wife. And I love her very much, she's perfect in lots of ways, but I have no attraction for her.

 

Or should I just follow my heart and be with the girl I just want to be with at the moment, and be selfish again?

[experiencethedevine]

Yes, I'm aware of the large text, and that lots of people won't even bother to read it, I wanted to make it much shorter, but I felt there's lots of things I wanted to explain to make the story more understandable. Understandable why some bad decisions were made.

 

 

What complete and utter tosh..............

 

 

 

 

I read the whole thing, and frankly, it didn't change my opinion............

[Man of regrets]

Look at the length of that post. Wow. Not going to read it, but can I assume it could be summarized with "me, me"?

 

I understand that you don't feel like reading it, I'm aware of the length, but I wanted to include all details. All the threads is about cheating, but every case is unique.

 

And sure you can assume it's summarized with "me, me". Well it's not all about me, otherwise I wouldn't even bother to write all this. I would have made written much less. If I only cared about myself it would be so much easier. But yes, it's all from MY point of view. I can't exactly ask questions from another person's point of view.

[Man of regrets]

This is going to sound harsh, but you need to pull your head out of your behind and take some responsibility. In your entire post all you have done is blame your wife for everything.

 

Honestly, I don't think you are a good match for your W or the 20 year old. You lied and deceived both of them. I think you need to see a counselor and get your head straight because you are a daddy now whether you like it or not. Please don't be a man who abandons his own child. There's already enough men in this world like that. Stop being selfish, man up and be the father your baby deserves.

 

Well, I think you're totally right about that I have to take some responsibility, that's partly why I'm here. Because I'm sick of myself. I don't want my head up in my behind, I want to get out. But despite that we're not living together at the moment, I go home to my wife every day after work and help her with chores and with the baby, and I take care of the baby every moment when I'm not working. I'm trying my best to be there for both my child and my wife. Even if I would divorce my wife, I would never abandon my child, and I would always wish for the best life for my wife.

 

And that I'm not a good match for any of them, I don't know if I agree. Because otherwise none of them would feel so much love for me despite after what I have done. If I felt none of them loved me anymore, it would be much easier. But I can't ignore two people who loves me and I love them very much as well. Because I'm not a typical playboy. I did this when I was in a deep depression and now I feel it's hard to get out of it. Because I never cheated before and I will never do it again. And I'm not saying that a depression is an excuse to do this bad action, but it might explain a bit. People do several mistakes in a lifetime, and I did one major for the first time now.

 

And I'm not trying to give the blame to my wife, because I only blame myself for what happened, but I'm just trying to explain from my point view what made me feel bad. Because actually I adore my wife in many ways. I even tried to step aside because I hoped she would have a happier life with someone else, that I didn't deserve her after what I did, someone who can give her the love she deserve. But she still wanted me back. I'm not strong enough to say no to this.

[Man of regrets]

1. The problem is it is not really about "me, me". You are incapable of taking responsibility for your own emotions. This is clear. You are a pinball bouncing off of every emotion, demand, crisis, in your life. You need to find yourself.

 

2. You are not going to find yourself bouncing between two women and BELIEVING you are confused. You are not having an affair because you are confused. You are confused because being in love with two women and feelling confused allows you to stay in two relationships.

 

3. You need to READ VERY CAREFULLY eithor/both Michelle Langley on "Being in limbo" (Langley talks about women in two relationships but you are completely in Limbo so its a valid argument. Google her. I read both her volumes and they are great reading about people who think they are stuck trying to decide between two people. Or read Emily Brown on Split-self affairs. Much less intersting than langley but the entire story of your marriage up to this point is spot on Brown's analysis of the kind of relationship you set yourself up for with this woman.

 

If you want some GREAT literature on how to solve your problem being "in love" with two women read Kirshenbaum: "When Good People have affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two relationships." She will help you sort out what you think are you two options. Im pretty sure I know where you are going with this, but thats for you to figure out.

 

Your wife is not responsible for your affair. No doubt. But she is responsible for her interpersonal relationship with you. Forget about right or wrong in terms of the affair when asking yourself the question: do I see myself still married to this woman in 5, 10 years?

 

Your SYT (sweet young thing) has all the baggage of a fantasy escape. But that doesnt mean that the two of you shouldnt be together either. This is how love NORMALLY starts out. What you need to do, if you are going to be with this young woman, is see how you feel about her without being married and without the seduction of the secrecy. You will never know for sure if she is your future until you END this issue of being a pinpong ball.

 

4 You aren't stuck. You simple prefer to be in limbo, for now. Forget the pain you think you are causing either of these women. Forget what you planned for your child. Either you will end up back with your S and your child, or you will end up with your young friend, and presumably you can have a child with her at some point, if necessary, or you can end up alone and find someone else down the road. All three possibilities will make you happy. NO ONE DECISION is going to end your universe.

 

5. You need to understand that having two relationships is NOT the way to solve this problem. Let me just say this about happiness:

 

You cannot make yourself be happy by keeping other people happy. (not your wife, not your 20 year old, not your child, not your inlaws.) For example converting your religion is an example of your lack of respect for your own values in order to "do the right thing" and to satisfy others. You cannot satisfy others and they can never be satisfied by you. There is no argument here. Dont even think it.

 

Whatever decision you make will be just fine. Hard to believe, but ONE decision in our lives does not make or break our happiness. You need to make the best decision for you, but you have got yourself so wound up in this mess you have lost what it was that was pushing you to make a decision in the first place.

 

Stop worrying about your self image, and what others WILL think about you, find out what you want, do it, do it with conviction and passion, and learn to be happy with yourself. You will be happy not because of your choice, but because of WHO you ARE and who you want to be WITH another person.

 

Thank you for your reply, seems like you know what you're talking about, I think you're right on spot, that you actually understand what it's all about. I appreciate it very much.

[janedoe67]

I understand that you don't feel like reading it, I'm aware of the length, but I wanted to include all details. All the threads is about cheating, but every case is unique.

 

And sure you can assume it's summarized with "me, me". Well it's not all about me, otherwise I wouldn't even bother to write all this. I would have made written much less. If I only cared about myself it would be so much easier. But yes, it's all from MY point of view. I can't exactly ask questions from another person's point of view.

 

Honestly, and I say this as a FWW, each case is NOT all that unique. Whatever the source of unhappiness, there were other choices. We made the choice to cheat. It really IS that simple. Writing a novel is really just an attempt not to look as bad for doing something very bad. I know because I did the same thing.

 

I don't know what to tell you except that IF you have a set of values, then you need to follow them regardless of "feeling."

[Man of regrets]

Honestly, and I say this as a FWW, each case is NOT all that unique. Whatever the source of unhappiness, there were other choices. We made the choice to cheat. It really IS that simple. Writing a novel is really just an attempt not to look as bad for doing something very bad. I know because I did the same thing.

 

I don't know what to tell you except that IF you have a set of values, then you need to follow them regardless of "feeling."

 

I'm not writing a novel to make myself look better, because like I said many times, I already know I did a horrible thing, and my actions will never be justified. And I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell what an ***hole I am. I know what I have done. I will have to live with the shame. It was a horrible thing to do disregarding what happened in the past. If I could I would change history, but I can't. It's already done. I just have to make the best out of the bad situation right now. And that's why I want suggestions what to do, that's why I wrote the whole story so that people get the whole picture. Regarding to follow my values, that's what's difficult. Because if I follow my brain, and do the most reasonable is to stay with my wife, since she obviously still is ready to do this. But if I follow my heart, my emotions is more with the other girl. Because my dilemma is to combine the emotions with reasonable thinking. I also know that love can also make you blind to make good decisions. I made that in the past too.

[Man of regrets]

What complete and utter tosh..............

 

 

 

 

I read the whole thing, and frankly, it didn't change my opinion............

 

Change your opinion about what? That I'm a ****ing prick? Because I was not asking for your opinions about me. Not looking for sympathy, I know what I am. I wanted suggestions what to do in my next step. Because I don't want to screw up again. Therefore I wrote a long story.

[Man of regrets]

The problem with values is there are more than one. And sometimes one set of values CLASHES with another. OR sometimes we put aside a basic core value (for example, the importance of family) for another (my desire to be happy) or my valuing intimacy. Often in LS when people talk about values, they are mostly talking about a handed down set of values that are not precisely our own.

 

Exactly, that's what clashes in my mind. Because I know I can't have it all, but I'm afraid to make the "wrong" decision. We humans have lots of emotions which changes daily, and in the moment I am now, of course I miss intimacy very much, emotionally I have felt very lonely lately and therefore I would go for intimacy with the younger girl. She makes me the happiest at the moment. But at the same time the importance of the family is there, because as a responsible person I should be with my family, maybe it's my family that will give me the happiness in a long term. But will my wife be happy to live with me if I'm not turned on by her? I do everything perfect but we have no intimacy? I'm afraid of this situation. because that will hurt her again, and it's not fair to her.

[janedoe67]

The problem with values is there are more than one. And sometimes one set of values CLASHES with another. OR sometimes we put aside a basic core value (for example, the importance of family) for another (my desire to be happy) or my valuing intimacy. Often in LS when people talk about values, they are mostly talking about a handed down set of values that are not precisely our own.

 

I am talking about choosing which values he is going to follow. WHEN someone marries, the message that everyone with a brain knows that they are sending is "I will be faithful." When they decide to use the "value" of happiness to break the previous vow, there is a problem.

 

I make no apologies for not cowing to the whole spineless "you're okay I'm okay" moral relativism drivel people use to never be "wrong" these days.

 

If you want to act single, be single. if you want to be married, be faithful.

 

It ain't rocket surgery.

[MuddyRock]

Im going to go out on a limb and tell you straight up the 20 year old is not the right choice. And you know it.

 

Just stop talking to her for while and see what you think then. I can tell you that if your wife actually put her foot down and said her or me, you would throw that 20 year old under the bus in 5 seconds and think "I cant believe I almost lost my best friend and everything for a crush".

Trouble is she isn't doing that.

 

People in affairs are all the best forward. Imagine that 20 year olds temper when she is actually used to you. That smile and giggle wont be so cute after you leave your family for it. Everything is exciting in the beginning. They don't say the grass isn't always greener for nothing.

[Snowflower]

I'm not writing a novel to make myself look better, because like I said many times, I already know I did a horrible thing, and my actions will never be justified. And I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell what an ***hole I am. I know what I have done. I will have to live with the shame. It was a horrible thing to do disregarding what happened in the past. If I could I would change history, but I can't. It's already done. I just have to make the best out of the bad situation right now. And that's why I want suggestions what to do, that's why I wrote the whole story so that people get the whole picture.

 

-snip-

 

As I skimmed through your OP I saw you trying to justify your choices and actions to the "audience" here but most importantly you were trying to justify your choices to yourself. This is why I think your OP was so long. It was you trying to explain and make things look good to yourself.

[MuddyRock]

All marriages have ups and downs. Sounds like more ups then downs, and he is too selfish to see his part in it all.

Could be he wants to exit, or is it more likely he is rewriting his history???

 

If he wanted to exit, then he wouldn't have any trouble figuring out what to do.

[Man of regrets]

As I skimmed through your OP I saw you trying to justify your choices and actions to the "audience" here but most importantly you were trying to justify your choices to yourself. This is why I think your OP was so long. It was you trying to explain and make things look good to yourself.

 

*sigh* In what part I'm trying to justify my choices? I even said numerous of times that I don't want any opinions about me, good or bad, and actually not about my wife or mistress either. Because what happened happened unfortunately. All I want to know is how to move on, how to take the next step. After the experiences your read, who should I be with? Is it worth to try to be with my wife again when it didn't work the first time? Is it right to let my emotions stay with the other girl even though I have responsibilities to my family? These kind of questions. If I really wanted myself to look good, I would I made this text much more positive about myself. When I'm talking of situations where I felt depressed is to explain how everything started, and how I reacted that moment. But I never said that this justifies anything. All I'm asking is the opinion of what's the next step I should take. The presentation of the characters was just a way to get the picture. Maybe it was wrong and sure, the characters are from MY point of view and not a fact, but it's also ME who asks the question. I admitted all the time that I made a horrible things that can't be forgiven, and if I wanted sympathy I could have wrote this in a different way. I don't need sympathy from unknown people, what would I gain from that? I don't meet you in my real life. What I needed is guidance how to move on, from people who has experiences of their own, or people who just have an opinion of what they read. Because I feel confused in my life with no one to ask. That's why I went here.

[Man of regrets]

All marriages have ups and downs. Sounds like more ups then downs, and he is too selfish to see his part in it all.

Could be he wants to exit, or is it more likely he is rewriting his history???

 

If he wanted to exit, then he wouldn't have any trouble figuring out what to do.

 

Sure we had our ups and downs like every one else. But I have reached a point where I don't know if I'm happy anymore like this anymore. I have felt like that for over one a half year, and also with a feeling that I couldn't discuss these problems or feelings with my wife, because she exploded every time, and then I became nervous and afraid of losing her, and I was bad in debating verbally. (I'm talking about the time before the cheating) I wished that I could discuss with her normally, because actually I love her deeply. And sure, I could easily exit this marriage....if it wasn't for that I still love her. But no attraction for her....comfort love like friends...if I feel good being around her...feels like home...but no passion....get the difference?

[Man of regrets]

If you have a child, it is your responsibility to show that child the best possible marriage you can. If the mother of that child is not the person to show that with, you shouldn't pretend. It is your responsibility as a parent to ensure your child does not grow up in an unhappy family. To do so will only serve to continue the cycle in his/her life.

 

Your responsibility to your child is to provide for him/her, love, cherish, and oversee their education, NOT to live in a loveless marriage.

 

 

Yes I totally agree with you, cause I will never abandon my child no matter what happens. And I'm positive that my wife never will make it difficult for me to be with my child. Sure, if she moves back to her country it will get difficult. But I will support and stand by my child as much as possible. I'm proud of my child and I love my child despite the reaction I had during my depression. Things changed when he was born.

 

And I think that's a big part of my issue here, because I want the best future for my child, and I feel so much depends on this choice I'm about to make. Because of course I want him to grow up with two parents...his two real parents preferably...but at the same time it's not worth it if the parents don't get along. Sure, we always work fine together with the baby and many other things. It's other things we have problems with.

[Spark1111]

Sure we had our ups and downs like every one else. But I have reached a point where I don't know if I'm happy anymore like this anymore. I have felt like that for over one a half year, and also with a feeling that I couldn't discuss these problems or feelings with my wife, because she exploded every time, and then I became nervous and afraid of losing her, and I was bad in debating verbally. (I'm talking about the time before the cheating) I wished that I could discuss with her normally, because actually I love her deeply. And sure, I could easily exit this marriage....if it wasn't for that I still love her. But no attraction for her....comfort love like friends...if I feel good being around her...feels like home...but no passion....get the difference?

 

I say you work on yourself and have NC with either woman: Not your wife OR your mistress.

 

YOU work on YOU in Individual Counseling with a good therapist.

 

You lack self-esteem, are a poor communicator of your feelings and are conflict-avoidant in the extreme. You have all the characteristics of the classic cheater even though you claimed to have once despised those who cheat.

 

You made decisions every step of your marriage, and during your affair, that hurt two people and STILL you are not owning your behavior. You feel guilt, shame and depression but have not taken one step to change your behavior or your circumstances and are blowing about in the wind feeling terrible yet excused and justified every lie you told and secret you kept.

 

Your affair is not unique.

 

You seem to attract volatile, strong-willed women but then begin to resent them for who they are. That should be examined in therapy pronto.

 

You need to stop stuffing your feelings, avoiding conflict and own your behavior so you can grow healthy and strong enough to be a confident partner to ANY woman.

 

Rescuing that poor young girl with advice and support and money has to stop now, no matter HOW IMPORTANT that makes you feel.

 

You have a baby that needs your advice, support and MONEY NOW.

[GorillaTheater]

All I want to know is how to move on, how to take the next step. After the experiences your read, who should I be with?

 

My advice is to cut both of them loose and spend some time alone, getting your head screwed on straight.

 

You're hurting two innocent people (well, maybe one more innocent than the other) and you need to figure out why you'd pull a stunt like that. Probably a few other things you need to work on as well.

[Snowflower]

*sigh* In what part I'm trying to justify my choices? I even said numerous of times that I don't want any opinions about me, good or bad, and actually not about my wife or mistress either. Because what happened happened unfortunately. All I want to know is how to move on, how to take the next step. After the experiences your read, who should I be with? Is it worth to try to be with my wife again when it didn't work the first time? Is it right to let my emotions stay with the other girl even though I have responsibilities to my family? These kind of questions. If I really wanted myself to look good, I would I made this text much more positive about myself. When I'm talking of situations where I felt depressed is to explain how everything started, and how I reacted that moment. But I never said that this justifies anything. All I'm asking is the opinion of what's the next step I should take. The presentation of the characters was just a way to get the picture. Maybe it was wrong and sure, the characters are from MY point of view and not a fact, but it's also ME who asks the question. I admitted all the time that I made a horrible things that can't be forgiven, and if I wanted sympathy I could have wrote this in a different way. I don't need sympathy from unknown people, what would I gain from that? I don't meet you in my real life. What I needed is guidance how to move on, from people who has experiences of their own, or people who just have an opinion of what they read. Because I feel confused in my life with no one to ask. That's why I went here.

 

Your whole OP is about justifying your decision to have an affair. You said how you married too young, your wife was your first/only love, you felt isolated, lonely and depressed, etc, etc. Pick one or several because those are your reasons/justifications for having an affair.

 

Like I said, it looks like you are trying to justify your decisions to yourself and that is what is important here. Who cares what the rest of us think?The rest of us reading here will not lay awake tonight because of what you have posted, but you might spend some sleepless nights wrestling with the choices you made and have to make. That was what I was getting at.

 

I was trying to help you see the decisions you made in a different way...for your benefit, not mine. I see you as someone who is floundering around, knowing they screwed up big time, but are still looking backward at why they did what they did, when you need to look forward, at least right now. Later, you can look back and figure out why you did what you did. In the meantime, there is a marriage to be dealt with a child to take care of.

 

I also don't think any of us can tell you what you should do. These are huge decisions that will impact your life, the life of your child, and your wife forever. I don't think those decisions should be made because of what strangers say of an internet forum. You need to make those decisions because you will live with the consequences.