I Ended It - Now It's Hard

[jayone]

So, today I ended my relationship after 5 years today.

 

We’ve always had a rocky relationship. Our differences always clash. But for the past few months we’ve been bickering on and off almost daily. Which lead to arguments, then both of us throwing our past mistakes up all the time.

 

I am not going to give a one sided story. I am as much to blame for this as she is. I work from home and spend long hours on the computer, every day. Whilst she remains at home and looks after the family. I was the bread winner.

 

But my business always clashed with our relationship. I could never just switch off at 6pm and have family time. This got to her. I wasn’t able to provide that and I found it difficult to change. I’d rarely help around the house, but the way I seen it was I was making £8,000 - £10,000 a month, and this was enough for me.

 

So, yeah I was at fault. I won’t list her faults as I feel it’s irrelevant but she had many.

 

I’ve left numerous times over the past 6 months, stayed away, came back. But inside she knew I’d always come back. So the problems effecting our relationship on her side, she didn’t seem to find the need to compromise on them. She’d leave me to go away because she knew I’d come back.

 

I’ve been wanting to leave for a while, but always told myself we can sort through this. But today, we didn’t even have an argument. She went out to her friends to get drunk, and I just felt I’d had enough. This is the first time I’ve ever packed my stuff and left.

 

I called my Mom and I asked her for some help. My family clubbed together and helped me move all my stuff. Within 2 hours of me speaking to her I was out and gone. It happened rather fast, although I’ve felt like this for months. So for me, it’s been on the cards. And she knew how I felt.

 

I told her I was leaving. She didn’t try to stop me. She let me carry on. I think deep down she knew it was right too.

 

And here I am. At my mothers, with all my boxes and bags. I think my family are fed up with hearing about our arguments. My mom always gives me a sofa to lie on when I need space.

 

I don’t want to go back. We are truly done. I am hurting. I am upset. I am questioning whether this is the right thing to do, but I know it’s the right thing to do. If we continue in that relationship non of us will be happy. And that’s not fair to either of us.

 

But inside I also feel sorry for her. She has no income, and a child. She won’t be able to afford the rent. And I feel she is going to slip backwards into her old teenage lifestyle (drink and drugs). I guess I have a heart.

 

I do love her, but I can’t go back. It’s not right and its not fair.

 

I guess this won’t hit home until the morning for either of us. I’ve never lived alone, always had partners, and family, but at 30 years old I will have to. I am property hunting this week.

 

I am looking forward to starting again. I am scared of the future. I have no self confidence to meet women. I have no friends apart from online. I have Aspergers and anxiety. So I don’t know what to expect. I guess this is why I stayed in an unhappy relationship as it was my comfort zone.

 

So, single life here I come. In one way I look at the positives, and in another I look at the negatives.

 

I can’t remain friends with her. I’ve removed her of FB, changed my number, because I have to forget her. To keep in contact is bad. I know if we stay in contact we’ll tell each other false promise about how we will change but it won’t happen.

 

Just some advice would be great. Feeling lonely and a bit upset.

[ponchsox]

I've been dealing with post breakup anger and loneliness for 4 months. I'm finally starting to feel indifferent towards my ex.

 

My advice, stay no contact and give yourself plenty of time to heal. It will be an emotional roller coaster in the coming days, weeks, and months. Breakups suck, period. The only thing that helps heal is time.

[pickflicker]

You've done what is right for you, and that's all that can be asked of you. The next few months will be hard, but embrace this new opportunity. Be single for a while, and get to know yourself better and be happier with yourself. Don't discount going to therapy to have a little chat with someone unbiased and non-judgemental. Some people think that therapy is a last line of defense, I'm a big fan of making it the first.

 

Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[jayone]

Thanks guys and girls.

 

Do the negative feelings differ from if the other person was to have left? I am no stranger to a breakup, my other ex cheated on me after 5 years. I got over that. Well, sort of. I am still not totally over that 100%. She was my first love though.

[jayone]

This was the same girl by the way, from a thread I posted in 2010 when we split up. Sounds very similar, even the thread title ... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/247977-i-told-her-leave-now-i-m-cut-up

 

... And much of that old thread is exactly the same in this thread. I guess it goes to show that people don't change.

 

How I managed another 3 years if it was that bad after 2 I never know. It's enlightening to read a post I made 3 years ago on the same topic. Yet at the same time it makes me feel stupid.

 

In those 3 years though I went to prison for computer hacking, and went through Testicle Cancer. Both of which she stood by me, but she seems to think that because she stood by me thats justification for he present actions. She always thrown it up in an argument "But I stood by you through prison and Cancer".

 

Relationships. Urgh. Now I feel like a complete idiot.

 

I just hope I don't get sucked back in and I remain strong through this. As I mentioned it seems to be the "comfort zone" feeling that drags me back in. The thought of spending some time alone is both exciting yet daunting. I want to get my own place and live alone for a good while and develop myself.

 

"So James, QUIT MOANING AND DO IT!"

 

I know I know. I will.

Edited February 6, 2014 by jayone

[Gemini x]

but she seems to think that because she stood by me thats justification for he present actions.

 

That's one thing that I did wrong in the relationship. I thought just because I was always there for him no matter what, that's all that mattered and it wasn't. I also used that to justify my actions. I found myself saying, alot, "after everything I've done for you"... when his reaction was based on one of my negative actions. It's funny how in 3 weeks post BU I've realized things I needed to work on that I couldn't see within those 3 years together.

[tlegend]

This was the same girl by the way, from a thread I posted in 2010 when we split up. Sounds very similar, even the thread title ... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/247977-i-told-her-leave-now-i-m-cut-up

 

... And much of that old thread is exactly the same in this thread. I guess it goes to show that people don't change.

 

How I managed another 3 years if it was that bad after 2 I never know. It's enlightening to read a post I made 3 years ago on the same topic. Yet at the same time it makes me feel stupid.

 

In those 3 years though I went to prison for computer hacking, and went through Testicle Cancer. Both of which she stood by me, but she seems to think that because she stood by me thats justification for he present actions. She always thrown it up in an argument "But I stood by you through prison and Cancer".

 

Relationships. Urgh. Now I feel like a complete idiot.

 

I just hope I don't get sucked back in and I remain strong through this. As I mentioned it seems to be the "comfort zone" feeling that drags me back in. The thought of spending some time alone is both exciting yet daunting. I want to get my own place and live alone for a good while and develop myself.

 

"So James, QUIT MOANING AND DO IT!"

 

I know I know. I will.

 

When you no longer feel loneliness and unhappy to be out on your own, you know that you have finally healed up. Until that point, you will have angry days, sad days, and lonely days.

 

When looking up the mountain of stairs, you don't ask why it's so hard to climb it. You ask everyone who has made it if it was worth it. They all say yes.

[jayone]

I know it'll take time, it's going through that time that's a bit tough.

 

On a brighter note, I quit smoking and drinking 2 weeks ago. I thought through the stress I may start smoking, but I didn't. Woke up this morning at 7am, which is good considering I don't usually wake up till 12pm at "home". Got up and went for a run.

 

If it continues like this, I'll be happy. Once I get my fitness back, it's back to the gym.

 

On another positive note I can get started on my Vegan diet. I did it when I lived with the ex, but it was hard because she'd eat normal food, and between us it was hassle cooking up different meals each time.

 

Onwards and upwards.

[tlegend]

I know it'll take time, it's going through that time that's a bit tough.

 

On a brighter note, I quit smoking and drinking 2 weeks ago. I thought through the stress I may start smoking, but I didn't. Woke up this morning at 7am, which is good considering I don't usually wake up till 12pm at "home". Got up and went for a run.

 

If it continues like this, I'll be happy. Once I get my fitness back, it's back to the gym.

 

On another positive note I can get started on my Vegan diet. I did it when I lived with the ex, but it was hard because she'd eat normal food, and between us it was hassle cooking up different meals each time.

 

Onwards and upwards.

 

Best of luck to you. I'm still hurting from my recent breakup, but I know once I start going to the gym again, it should get better. I usually tend to hide things behind anger, and a good workout each day generally lifts the anger and I'm forced to deal with the pain.

[jayone]

Sorry guys and girls I failed ... or succeeded ... I don't know. I am just doing what feels right. We've spoken, a lot. We've cried together, a lot. We've discussed our issues. And tomorrow we agreed to meet at our old house and talk to see if things can really go forward.

 

If I go forward again, I go against the grain of my family, who are unlikely to support me ever again. If I listen to my family, I cut my throat.

 

5 years, is a waste to throw away if you both want something so bad, but struggle to keep it.

[tlegend]

Sorry guys and girls I failed ... or succeeded ... I don't know. I am just doing what feels right. We've spoken, a lot. We've cried together, a lot. We've discussed our issues. And tomorrow we agreed to meet at our old house and talk to see if things can really go forward.

 

If I go forward again, I go against the grain of my family, who are unlikely to support me ever again. If I listen to my family, I cut my throat.

 

5 years, is a waste to throw away if you both want something so bad, but struggle to keep it.

 

On the other hand, you are failing to view this relationship objectively. Your logical thinking is being clouded with your emotion, and even by your own accord, you are just doing what feels right right now.

[jayone]

Best of luck to you. I'm still hurting from my recent breakup, but I know once I start going to the gym again, it should get better. I usually tend to hide things behind anger, and a good workout each day generally lifts the anger and I'm forced to deal with the pain.

 

On the other hand, you are failing to view this relationship objectively. Your logical thinking is being clouded with your emotion, and even by your own accord, you are just doing what feels right right now.

 

Hi tlegend, this is quite possible yes.

 

But through all of this I can't justify my actions. I leave because I disagree with issues that are borderline "controlling" and are not an issue in other relationships, and when I do I regret leaving and see my actions as spontaneous. And outburst of "If you do this I'm going".

 

Then when I go I am sat there thinking why did I do this?

 

What got to me with this is I left. Boxes packed and gone. I didn't keep in contact. I logged into my old Facebook and read a message she sent 15 minutes after the van was packed and I'd left.

 

"I don't know what you've just done but you've broke my heart. I love you and what you did was out of character. What is going on J****? You've hurt me and my child you raised he's upset by your actions. I should tell you to **** off but I love you so much that I cant even do that. Please talk to me about what is going on in your head because your not the only one hurting over this. I cant read your mind. I love you."

 

And that hurt me in a way.

 

I will either be unhappy and regret this, or go forward and fix it. If I fail I've learnt the hard way.

[jayone]

I wish I had friends. I wish had family that could see I'm not a saint and help me and prepare me for future relationships. I wish I had support. I wish I didn't have Aspergers so I could feel normal and confident.

 

I wish I wasn't me. I've been ripped in two by MY actions. And I fail to see right from wrong. I should let her go, because she deserves better. Why can't I do those things?

 

What's wrong with me?

[burningashes]

Hi, I know a little bit about Aspergers and Autism because I used to assist people from the extreme end to the high functioning type. I've always seen them as brilliant people- sure, you may have your quirks but that's what makes the unique person you are.

 

One of the things that really stood out was that you fail to see right from wrong. That can definitely be confusing, and it makes perfect sense when you mentioned you had Asperger's. The feeling you have in your gut- it's what helps you decide what's right or wrong. Go with it if it's telling you to stay away and let this girl go. It'll help guide you, despite having Aspergers. Think of it as a compass.

 

If it's become a concern, you might also want to consider picking up some individual counselling- your therapist can give you tools to help cope with what's been going on and help you decide what's best for you.

 

If you've been in a relationship this long, chances are you will find someone new later. I wouldn't worry about that right now though, are there hobbies you like to do when you're not busy? Pick up on those or go do something you've always wanted to do! It'll be good for you while you heal by staying busy!

 

Good luck

[mikelongtolt]

I wish I had friends. I wish had family that could see I'm not a saint and help me and prepare me for future relationships. I wish I had support. I wish I didn't have Aspergers so I could feel normal and confident.

 

I wish I wasn't me. I've been ripped in two by MY actions. And I fail to see right from wrong. I should let her go, because she deserves better. Why can't I do those things?

 

What's wrong with me?

Hey Jay,

 

How are you getting on?

 

Hope you are coping well.

 

Take care, my friend.

 

Mike