Haydn Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Wist, i think your going to be ok. Have a nice Sunday up in sunny Bromsgrove???? x
Haydn Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Whats Thatcherism? What's wrong with your marriage? I'm assuming your H has no idea that you're unhappy/had an A. I applaud your efforts, but you've got a rather long journey ahead of you. Hayden. I grew up when Thatcherism was in full swing and went to Harrow. Does this answer your query?
Scott Thomas Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Something Blair came up with.... And I received your message, thank you for backing me up on that particular issue. 1
thummper Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Wistful, it really doesn't sound like you have much use for your poor husband. Why don't you just do the guy a favor and give him his freedom so that HE can go out and find someone who's in love with him, as you don't seem to be. Probably be the biggest favor you could do for him. Then, you could look for a better man for yourself. Problem solved. Everybody happy...I guess. How sad for him when he finds out. 1
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Scott Thomas - if you'll look at an answer I gave to another poster earlier in the thread you will see that my husband DOES know I had an A and knows I'm unhappy - so please don't make assumptions (it makes an ass out of u and me! ;-) Thummper - I've had this debate and dissection of my marriage on another thread, so not looking for more opinions on my husband. For numorous, valid reasons (that I shouldn't have to justify on here) I do not wish to simply leave my husband and write off almost 15 years we've been together. I opened this thread to help process my feelings and struggle to cope with the feelings of loss and abandonment from fOM, not to have to defend myself against posters opinions on my marriage. You are entitled to your opinion, and are of course free to say whatever you like on here, but would be grateful if you lived by the values you have quoted in your signature
thummper Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Actually, Wistfull, I thought I was being nice. My comments could have been much more pointed. If you post here, be prepared to hear things you'd just as soon NOT hear. And if you'll re-read the bottom of my signature, it clearly states "unless you can't avoid it." You're upset because your AP has rejected you for someone else. Eventually affairs are usually discovered by the BS. I wonder how your H will feel when he discovers your A? A stab in the heart, perhaps? Regardless of how I come off to you, I wish you no harm or bad fortune. I hope you can move on with your life and not continue to haunt yourself with further regrets. Be well. 1
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Thummper - yes thank you for not commenting something much more pointed. And clearly, you could avoid saying it. Simply dont type!! And again, I did tell my husband myself, I was not " discovered". Yes, that's right, I'm upset that my AP rejected me for someone else...are my feelings of loss and hurt not valid as I am a "sinner"? ( not that you used that word, but the implication was there). *as earlier, apologies if I'm misreading the true intention of people's posts, I am on a bit of a path of self loathing right now and is making me paranoid and defensive. I wish you no harm or bad fortune either, thanks for your final note x
Spark1111 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 if he broke up with you during the most intense times than he is commitment phobic or consumed by guilt or both.... which truly have nothing to do with you and the person that you are. As a single man he is now dating a single girl and they are booking a trip away together....which is all perfectly normal, IMO. WHY perceive you are not enough or that you were lacking? You are MARRIED Afterall, and perhaps he realized that was a dead end, relationship wise, before you did. Do not assume he did not care for you. Assume there was no place to take the relationship....as you were not leaving your marriage, yes? he just reached that conclusion before you were ready to let him go. 1
Ruffian1 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Maybe he felt like he couldn't trust enough to go on with you IF you had divorced. I am sure this came into his thoughts and perception somewhere throughout this relationship. He most likely didn’t want to be “that guy” that broke up a marriage and the stigma that would have went with it if you did leave your BS for him. Then again, perhaps he just wasn’t that in love with you to commit for the long run. It happens. 1
Scott Thomas Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Do you plan on seeing an IC soon? Can you discuss these issues with close female friends? On a side note, I feel inclined to remind you that your husband is feeling the same way (x100). Has he expressed any anger/grief yet? I understand that you're grieving over the end of your A, which is perfectly natural. It's a pretty long journey and grieving over the AP is just a small starting step-the tough part will come. We're here to help you through it. PS. Read the other threads in this section; BS can be absolutely brutal (here and in real life). If you intend on posting here then expect some harsh comments from other posters.
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Thanks for your replies. I know some posters can be harsh on here, I took that chance by posting on here as I find it helpful to write things down and hoped that people would see that I'm hurting and seeking any perspectives that would help me feel better about the situation and comfort me in some way. Spark1111 - thank you, and yes I do/did believe he really is commitment phobic, and for more reasons than have posted here. Maybe his new R hasn't triggered his fear of intimacy yet so feels safer for him to continue with, or maybe he thinks she is "the one" and therefore doesn't fear spending the rest of his life with her as loves her more than he ever did me. I wasnt leaving my H, but he was well aware how strong my feelings were and that I would have left if he would have asked me to. Ruffian1 - good points, and he definitely didnt want to be "that guy" as is a good person (despite the A) and didnt want to think of himself in that way. I didn't either, and was consumed by guilt, but my feelings for him blinded me to everything and overrode any rational thoughts. Scott Thomas - I have been having individual CBT for the past 12 months, and do discuss this issue as well as my marriage and self esteem. Feelings of inferiority have been with my probably all my life, and am hyper sensitive towards feelings of rejection and abandonment so have taken this situation very hard. My H has literally never discussed my A since I originally told him. He is quite a "bury your head in the sand" type, but maybe still have his wrath / retaliation to deal with somewhere down the line. Know my priority should be focussing on myself and my marriage not trying to understand fOM's motives and current R. My grief over the situation seems to come on in waves and I know I don't help myself by occasionally looking for info and dwelling on what's happened. I can be very self destructive when depressed, and is almost like self harm when I look for things about them. I don't have any hatred towards fOM or his GF, I really do want him to be happy, and can obviously understand what she sees in him/ loves about him. Maybe I was so attracted to him as we're both kinda damaged and dysfunctional, and find it hard to accept he appears to have a normal, healthy dynamic in his current R as so far removed from what we had. Not sure if I'm even making sense, but helps to get my thoughts and feelings down on here xx
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