Feels like a stab in the heart :-(

[wistfulgirl]

Have been in NC with xAP since Sept when he got a GF, except slip up over Xmas and new year when xAP was cold and cruel to me, accused me of lying then ignored my last heartfelt message on NYE.

 

Have been doing better, but made a MAJOR error today by looking at his GF's FB profile (she has an open profile so can see everything) and seen they have a holiday booked together for a few months time. Seeing that felt like a stab in the heart as I had hoped they had broken up by now (he's always been commitment phobic and never had R last over 6mths).

 

 

Know it's completely my own fault but just hurts so much to know he can commit to her but not me.

 

 

Any advice or thoughts on how to feel better about this situation? I know I was in the wrong in the first place and had plenty of replies around this on another thread...just feeling really low and vulnerable so any nice/helpful comments would be appreciated xx

[Zahara]

Know it's completely my own fault but just hurts so much to know he can commit to her but not me.

 

OP, why would a single guy want to commit himself to a woman that is married? Even now, you can't even be loyal to the commitment that you made to your husband, yet you feel entitled that single man should establish a commitment to you?

 

If you are going to work on your marriage, work on it. If you're staying in your marriage just for the sake of having a warm body next to you, you will always be unhappy. Leaning on others to fill the voids in your life will never allow you to feel happy within yourself and to recognize your own identity.

 

What he's doing is no more your business. He is living his life and he is entitled to do it. You need to live yours, make hard choices and decisions as to what you desire from it.

 

Block FB, block texting, block any forms of social media. Accept that he has moved on and accept that he is ENTITLED to move on.

[wistfulgirl]

Thanks for your reply, I know he is entitled to move on and I understand that being married he couldn't properly commit to me and i dont think im entitled to his love. I'm just hurt that he knew I would have (at the time) left to have been with him but he "freaks out" at intimacy and commitment and said he knows he'll never allow anyone to get close to him - As much as this hurt I was at least able to believe at the time that it was his issues, not that I wasn't good enough.

 

Now I've seen that he is still with this girl after 5 months and booked a holiday with her (which he's never done with a girl before) it's hurts as feels like it wasnt his issues, he is able to push through his commitment phobic anxieties with her, he just didnt think I was good enough. Just makes me feel so worthless and disposable.

 

 

Things are better with my H and I'm not only with him to keep the bed warm at all. I just keep self destructing and causing myself more pain and want any advice or observations that will make me feel slightly better xxx

Edited February 5, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[Zahara]

I used to believe in "commitment phobia" until I heard that an ex was getting engaged. I used to think that he really would never be able to commit and now he does. Maybe the other argument is that he just wasn't that into me. Maybe these guys say that as an excuse to create enough distance yet be close enough to get what they want without looking like an asswhole.

 

Your OM, could have been with you because you were in a situation that guaranteed him no future but the moment you wanted to leave your husband, he freaked out because the dynamics and the situation would change expectations. Maybe because 1) he wasn't that into it/you 2) he was afraid of committing. Who knows.

 

If you are going to focus and commit to your marriage, then you need to stop revisiting him and his life. Your priority is your husband, and your marriage. It's still unfair to your husband that you're still involved with OM's life. You can't commit to a marriage if you're still looking over your shoulder.

[wistfulgirl]

I suppose I could understand and accept everything you've said had it not been for the fact he seems to be serious about the first girl he gets with after me. And that he went online looking for a GF who was actively looking for commitment (when that's apparently the thing he's most scared of), and is still with her 5 months later. I know that doesn't necessarily mean he'll stay with her forever, but for him that is a really big deal, especially as they've booked a holiday for another 3 months time. He's never been with anyone longer than 6mths, so that would make her the most serious relationship he's ever had. And that just hurts after the fact that he turned my life around, made me fall in love with him, said all the things he did to me, then turns round and commits to someone else that he'd actively seeked in the blink of an eye and completely forgets about me. I actually said to him when we were seeing each other that he only wanted me cus I was married and he adamantly denied it and said that if I was single we would be together. Just makes me feel so worthless that he persued me so heavily until the point I was ready to leave my husband, then "freaked out" at the intimacy - but actively went out looking for commitment so soon after and is clearly capable of it. Makes me feel like I just wasnt good enough and was all a lie, when to me he symbolised everything I wanted in a partner and had never felt so intensely for another man in my life. It makes me compare myself to her and try and understand what she has that I don't, when I did everything I could to make him happy, even to the point of destroying myself. That has then made me question everything I have with my husband, as I think that if he was "the one" I wouldn't have felt so strongly for someone else and been prepared to walk away from everything as I loved him so much.

 

Know I'm gonna get a lot of flack again for posting but just sharing my thoughts as helps to get it all out.

Edited February 8, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[wistfulgirl]

Please someone - any kind words or thoughts on my situation that will make me feel better xx

[Omei]

This won't be too kind sorry =[

 

Maybe being in contact with you made him realize he truely does want to commit to someone special but realized it couldn't be you if you were willing to leave your husband, why you let it go on or get involved in the first place made him realize he did not want this to happen to him down the road also.

[BC1980]

It's not a reflection of your self worth that this guy didn't commit to you. Think about how your husband would feel the same way if you left him, but that doesn't make him worthless. Affairs are not based in reality, so I don't think you can use that relationship as a basis to judge your worth.

 

First, get off social media. Second, either commit to your husband or not.

[wistfulgirl]

Thanks for your replies. I do agree that perhaps our A made him realise he wanted a R as it was so passionate and connected between us, but I always had to leave to go back to my husband. Think it made him realise how good it is to have someone close to love who loves you back, but we couldn't do normal things or make any plans like a proper couple. Also think that if he had asked me to leave to be with him properly it would have been a lot of pressure on the relationship to work out as I'd have walked away from my whole life for him, and perhaps that was too much commitment for him. I hope it's not that he thought that I'd have done the same to him down the line, as had been faithful to my H for 13 years at the time, and was the only A I'd ever had. Or maybe he just wasnt that into me and just told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted until he found someone "better". I guess I'll never really know.

 

And that's a good point about the self worth - I suppose I struggle with feelings of worthlessness at times anyway due to my bipolar depression, and the nature of the A and how it's been left have really messed with my head and damaged my self esteem further. But it has also made me realise how much my H does love me and actually made me value him more, so maybe this experience will turn out to be a good thing. I'm just feeling low at the moment and upsets me that he can turn his back on me so easily and commit to someone else so quickly when it's still affecting me so much now. I have been logged out of FB this whole year, other than that slip up the other day, and have learned my lesson that ignorance is bliss. And I do want him to be happy and it seems this girl can make him happier than I ever could. I just wish he would have fought for me, or at least left things nicely not be so cruel and hurtful at the end. Or that if I really was just sex to him until he found someone better, that he'd never persued me so strongly and made me fall in love with him in the first place. But I still can't hate him, and that makes it harder to move on.

Edited February 8, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[Scott Thomas]

Former BH/OM here,

 

1) I find the topic a bit ironic, given that you're married.

 

2) Is there a specific reason why you expect him to commit to you even though you demonstrated your disregard for marriage vows? A relationship or hooking up is one thing but loyalty ranks pretty high for men when they're trying to find someone for marriage.

 

3) Actions, not words, matter. Who is he with right now? Who is he going on a trip with?

 

4) How's your marriage? Reconciling or divorcing?

 

5) If you went to HS or college, you would recall the 'game'. Would you believe everything a man told you?

 

6) There were two willing partners in this affair.

 

7) He wanted a fling. Now he wants a relationship. Different people often serve different purposes. Sorry if this breaks your heart.

Edited February 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[wistfulgirl]

Scott Thomas - thanks for that. I stated that I've already been slated, judged and character assassinated on here, I was simply reaching out for some support as I'm really hurting and struggling with depression and heartbreak so specifically asked for any kind words or insights that would make me feel better.

 

I'm well aware that I meant f*ck all to him and he's with someone that's actually worthy of treating well. Thanks for the brutal reminder.

 

 

And yes I went to college but had been faithful to my husband since the age of 17 until 31. Have had many men try and "hook up" with me but never did...xAP knew he was only the 4th guy id slept with in my whole life. and did not "sell it" to me as a "fling" or "bit of fun" - I would NEVER have done this otherwise and I fell in love with him and he told me he loved me too. After being faithful from such a young age then breaking my marriage vows for someone was never a "bit of fun" for me and im paying the price for it now. But of course I'm an immoral wh*re that deserves everything I got.

[Scott Thomas]

Immoral W****?

 

I'll let you off the hook this time. However, in all future correspondence, please refrain from using any derogatory words. Personally, I think, and hope, that you are a fine, educated and delightful young lady who, in utter confusion, got outsmarted by a conniving man.

It's time you took control of your life and made amends. Our mistakes, though they with consequences, do not have to define us. It's what we do afterwards to make amends that shows our true character.

Now young lady, what amends are you planning on making, apart from strict NC?

 

PS. You're not worthy of him. You're worthy of something much better. Don't bloody forget that as you move on and start your journey to a better 'you'. The harsh words we use here serve as a wake up call.

[Bryanp]

Does your H know of your affair? Have you been tested for STD's? Has your husband ever cheated on you?

[wistfulgirl]

Scott Thomas - what do you mean "let me off"? I didn't use derogatory language towards you. I felt that your manner and tone of your response made it clear that was your perception of me. And felt like you were kicking me when I was down. I had come to this forum for support on "coping with my feelings if loss" (well the original forum before this thread was moved) as I was feeling really worthless and in pain, and had asked for some kind words to help me through, and the fact that you took the time to post something hurtful when I was that down felt a bit harsh and unnecessary. We are our own worst enemies, and I berate myself daily and already feel completely disposable so didnt need that reminder that there are "some kind of people only worth a f*ck" and some worth a relationship and treating well. Kinda twisted the knife in further. I think (and hope) you're a kind, open minded nonjudgmental person (as a former OM yourself). Seems like the general consensus is that I don't have the right to be hurt and reach out for support as I was the "bad person" as had broken my marriage vows. Which in turn makes me feel even more worthless. And the "young lady" comment seemed a tad patronising, again inferring you are superior to me. (Apologies if this was not your intention, I'm just feeling vulnerable so getting a bit defensive).

 

Bryanp - yes. No, but he just had been and id been faithful 13 years. Yes, many years ago during an extreme bipolar ephisode. That my closest friend at the time knew of but didnt tell me till 6mths later.

Edited February 8, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[Scott Thomas]

Aah my dear,

I presume you live across the pond. That's probably why the 'British humour' didn't register. Don't worry, you'll get used to the sarcasm and dryness.

I meant that I'll let you deride yourself only once but from then on, you'll realise that you made a mistake and are not a (insert the words you used).

I understand how you're feeling.

Why do we fall?

So that we can rise even higher.

 

Again, I know exactly how you feel. I thought you were in the 'affair fog'; harsh words are often the best remedy in that particular scenario.

 

Please forgive me if my words have caused you more grief.

Now, could you elaborate on the steps you are taking to overcome this grief/mistake?

 

Young Lady-I'm rather old, and in my days this is how we addressed young women. Am I superior to you? Not really. Am I older/ lazier/ drink more tea than you.probably yes.

 

PS try chocolate with caramel. I've found Lindt particularly tasty.

And stop saying that you are worthless. Because you are not!

Edited February 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[janedoe67]

What you are going through is called on some forums "withdrawal." I went through it. It does hurt, and knowing we did it to ourselves doesn't make it any better. BUT there are some things you can do:

 

First, NC means not even looking on FB. I know (believe me) the temptation to just take a peek is so great because it feels like it is not "real" contact. But it is. Commit to not look at ANY social media that could include him/them

 

Second, missing someone we had a bond with is understandable, but we can control to an extent how MUCH we "go there." Try redirecting your thoughts every time he comes to mind. It could be doing a hobby, making a list of things about your H you are grateful for, if you are religious reading the Bible.

 

When you want to dwell on the old relationship, get up and do something healing and helpful for your marriage relationship.

 

If you just have to cry about the withdrawal, set a timer for 5 minutes and then put it away.

 

These things may seem very practical and non-emotional, but they can help you stop obsessing over the AP and focs on your change and your marriage.

[wistfulgirl]

I'm from the midlands actually! And am used to "British humour" but didnt find your original post to be that humorous in all honesty. However, sarcasm is more difficult to convey in writing without coming across harsh and blunt, so apologies if I mistook your intention. But thanks for the apology.

 

The steps I am taking (other than NC) is therapy, making more effort in my marriage, completely coming off FB since 1st Jan (except for a look the other day during a weak moment which gave me a new wave of pain and self loathing) and posting on these forums for support.

[wistfulgirl]

Janedoe67 - thank you so much for your response. Is great advice and what I need when I'm obsessing. Need to try and be unemotional as its my emotions that got me in this mess in the first place! An understanding and helpful response like yours really means a lot xx

[Haydn]

Not Solihull? Yes i agree no humour in that post Scott, he came across as rather pompus, nothing worse than giving us Brits a posh stereotype that we dont conform to. Scott, try again, (Brits dont speak like that, unless they are from Eton)(JOKE or was it?) So Scott dont condescend.

 

Wist you are doing the right thing. Stay off the social networking sites if you can. Work at it. Mistakes happen and we are only human. Thoughts are with you.

 

 

I'm from the midlands actually! And am used to "British humour" but didnt find your original post to be that humorous in all honesty. However, sarcasm is more difficult to convey in writing without coming across harsh and blunt, so apologies if I mistook your intention. But thanks for the apology.

 

The steps I am taking (other than NC) is therapy, making more effort in my marriage, completely coming off FB since 1st Jan (except for a look the other day during a weak moment which gave me a new wave of pain and self loathing) and posting on these forums for support.

[whichwayisup]

I'm just hurt that he knew I would have (at the time) left to have been with him but he "freaks out" at intimacy and commitment and said he knows he'll never allow anyone to get close to him - As much as this hurt I was at least able to believe at the time that it was his issues, not that I wasn't good enough.

 

Chances are, because you two were an affair item, if you left your husband to be with him, that new dynamic would not have been good for either of you. DO you have kids to consider as well? If so, then that too is a factor. To start over with someone else, have your friends, your family and others accept someone new, let alone it be your affair partner, isn't easy. Maybe he felt like he couldn't trust enough to go on with you IF you had divorced.

 

Anyway, you'll never know the real answers here and you need to make your own closure and peace with this so you can focus on fixing yourself and your marriage.

[wistfulgirl]

Haydn - not far! Thank you for replying, really appreciated!

 

Whichwayisup - thanks, and that is true that the dynamic would change, and that might not have necessarily been for the better. And I do appreciate that it is a lot more commitment to ask someone to leave their husband for you than to get with a single girl met online without the baggage. Do acknowledge that is a factor and hope this is the reason he ended things, not that he wasnt into me. No kids to consider, but do have a long marriage and husband that I realise does love me, just doesn't always show it x

[SugarHibiscus]

I'm from the midlands actually! And am used to "British humour" but didnt find your original post to be that humorous in all honesty. However, sarcasm is more difficult to convey in writing without coming across harsh and blunt, so apologies if I mistook your intention. But thanks for the apology.

 

You beat me to the punch. I pegged you as English from the getgo. My H is "off the boat" Irish and he is the only person that says "f++k all". Us here Americans don't say that. When we visit Ireland/the UK that phrase is as common as the Tescos.

 

As to the topic of the thread, don't torture yourself by trying to understand his motivations. X him out of your life. Easier said than done. I'm sorry you're in pain. Sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Do acknowledge that is a factor and hope this is the reason he ended things, not that he wasnt into me. No kids to consider, but do have a long marriage and husband that I realise does love me, just doesn't always show it x

Tell your husband what you need from him and go to marriage counseling together. If you don't speak up and say what's in your head, what you're feeling how he to know?

 

Looking for affection, attention, love outside of the marriage doesn't fix the real problem.

 

Okay, even if the single guy did end it because he felt you two weren't a good match long term, doesn't he have that right to feel that way? Like it or not, people fall out of "like" and "Love" all the time. He wasn't ever committed to you, nor you to him so to him it was just an affair to you it may have been more. Hope that makes sense.

 

I mean this respectfully, but your affair shows that something is off inside of you to reach out to another man, instead of turning to your husband. time to plug that hole and affair proof yourself and marriage so you can be happy again.

[wistfulgirl]

Sugarhubiscus - thanks for your kind words!! X

 

Whicheayisup - I get the point that people "fall out of love" (as I myself had at the time with my H) and that he's entitled to, just hard to comprehend as he ended things both times at their most intense point, rather than when got bored. But yeah, do realise things are off with my self esteem and marriage that do need addressing and more deserving of my attention xx

[Scott Thomas]

What's wrong with your marriage?

I'm assuming your H has no idea that you're unhappy/had an A.

 

I applaud your efforts, but you've got a rather long journey ahead of you.

 

 

Hayden. I grew up when Thatcherism was in full swing and went to Harrow. Does this answer your query?