somegoodman Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 First let me say that I know the deal when it comes to break ups. From a male perspective; accept that the relationship is over, don't try to "win her back", and do whatever you can to move on and forget her. When a woman ends it with you, that's it, her heart is closed and she will never feel the same. So it is with no small amount of embarrassment and self-consciousness that I'm writing this. Everybody thinks that their situation is unique and different and that they "have a chance". I am most likely operating under the same delusions. And yet I am still compelled to ask for advice, as I haven't been able to find many posts that are similar to my situation and I'm keen on gaining others' perspective. So here goes. My girlfriend of about 10 months recently became pregnant and had an abortion. When we first became aware of the pregnancy, I had secretly hoped that she would want to keep the baby. What I didn't do was speak up about this desire, something I am sorely regretting to this day. I thought that I was being a good person by making it "her body, her choice" even though I could sense she was wanting me to stop her from having it. Something inside me just would not let me stop her. I was so weak and such a sorry excuse for a man. After the procedure was done, she became very distant. It turns out that the operation was traumatizing for her and she even had to go the hospital afterwards because of some internal bleeding. She was unofficially living with me at the time, but right after the abortion she started staying at her dad's and avoiding seeing me at all costs. My texts and calls were often ignored. I knew that she was going through an awful time so I tried not to let it get to me. It was very frustrating not being able to help her out. Things went from bad to worse. It is now 3 weeks later and a lot has happened. She went on a one week vacation to Colorado and I didn't bother her at all while she was gone. She texted me a couple times saying she missed me. When she returned, she kept making excuses not to see me. I finally lost it and said this was the final straw, effectively breaking up with her, though I didn't really want to. I just felt that she wasn't respecting me and I had to do something. Of course I felt terrible about it afterwards. I kept trying to reach out to her. A couple of texts I sent: Me: I just have this else to say: I don't know the whole truth of what's going on, but what matters is that I ****ed up. I failed to step up and protect the child I wanted, and I wanted you to have. You are actually right to blame me, and I really don't think you're at fault at all. This won't make you feel better, I know. Its just something that needs to be said. Her: It does make me feel better thank you Me: I do wish I could've done the right thing. I've been lashing out at you and its a manifestation of guilt, mostly. I don't want to see you go but I don't want you to be unhappy with me either. I don't know what to say anymore except that I miss you and I love you. She finally agreed to see me in person yesterday. I basically told her that I was serious about her and that it was a grievous error on my part to allow the abortion to take place. She was very withdrawn at first and then tearing up towards the end. She told me she's afraid that I only care because she "doesn't want to be with me anymore". When she said that, I figured I was in a losing battle. So I just threw out one more last ditch effort. I said: "look, you don't think I'm serious? I'll say it one more time...I'm serious. If its too late, then its too late, I'll just have to suck it up." And with that I started to drive her back home. Now to my surprise, she started to open up on the way home. She told me that she was sorry for being so cold and that she "really does love me". She said she doesn't want to stop seeing me but that its just so hard for her because I'm a reminder and she needs time to cope and take things slow. I was a little taken aback, so I just told her that I understood and I shouldn't have come out to see her. To which she protested that she was glad I did and that she would communicate better with me now. Before she left she looked at me and said "I love you", which I wasn't expecting. So, sounds like its not all bad, right? The thing is, I have this nagging feeling that she is just biding time until she cuts the cord with me. I'm in a tough position; if I act like I don't care and try to move on she may think I'm an *******; if I keep pushing her than I'm an ******* too. How do I go forward? I know when a woman says she "needs time" it means that she needs time to go jump in bed with another guy. I'm not ruling it out in this case, but the fact that she had an abortion recently makes me doubt it. I don't think sex and love are on her mind. Do I just let her come to me? Won't that never happen if she thinks I'm waiting around? What about Valentine's Day, should I make some kind of gesture? I'm not even sure if we are really "broken up". I'm very confused. What I do know is that I am anti-abortion now. I am seeking counseling and even considering joining a church. I feel awful for the life I've given up and the pain my (ex?)girlfriend is suffering.
headinthecloud Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Im sorry both for what you went through and what you're going through now. While I can't pretend to understand what is going through your GF's mind, it is obvious that the trauma of the ordeal requires professional help for her to cope. It's still very fresh, both of you are extremely emotional and vulnerable at the moment which will likely continue for some time. What I do know is that she won't pursue you, even if she wants to. She is wading in unfamiliar territory at the moment and needs some good, non-judgmental friends by her side. I think the two of you should not put any labels on your current relationship status - frankly because you're both getting over a trauma. I would definitely seek professional help for guidance. Both of you need support. She needs your support right now but not to the point that she disrespects you, that wouldn't be acceptable. She has to communicate with you or the RS is over, regardless. You can't have a one-sided RS, it's not healthy. As for your political position, I would urge you not to take a harsh stance at the moment for a couple of reasons: 1. you're emotionally charged and thinking linearly; and, 2. every situation is unique and it would be ashame to cement your experience as a totem because of how you're feeling now. Perhaps, your experience taught you that you should give yourself a voice when it counts and not let others speak for you. Dealing with regret is one of life's hardest lessons that most of us learn at some point. Whatever you decide, the choice is yours. Having a choice is what matters, its something that too many take for granted until its gone.
devilish innocent Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I think you're being a little too hard on yourself with regard to the abortion. You seemed to really believe at the time that you were doing the right thing by leaving the decision entirely up to her. It also seems that she didn't straight out ask your opinion, so that is not entirely your fault. Likewise, she made the choice to get an abortion because she genuinely believed she was doing the right thing at the time. Whether or not it was, she had the best of intentions. There is no point in her feeling bad about it now. The most important thing is that you don't make her feel that you're holding anything against her. It would be really unfair of you to make her feel guilty about any of this now. On to the question of whether you should let her go. I'm a bit uncertain about the situation because it seems you were the one who broke up with her. While she wanted some time on her own to heal, I don't see where you mention her ever saying that she was ending the relationship. Of course, I wasn't there for the whole conversation you had so I may be missing something. I really think it's best for you to just ask her. She knows the answer better than any of us. Make it clear to her that you prefer to still be a couple, but that you need to know whether or not that's what she wants. Make sure to ask when you're at least talking on the phone if not meeting in person in case there's any confusion. Good luck!
Author somegoodman Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 She texted me today and asked me to wish her luck on her job interview. I simply replied that I was rooting for her and she thanked me and I left it at that. I really hope I'm doing the right thing by staying my distance and waiting her out.
Recommended Posts