It's getting worse again...

[Kevin_D]

It's been three months since the breakup now. A couple of weeks ago, I was doing pretty well, but things are getting worse again.

 

While I'm able to look back at the relationship more rationally and realise that not everything was perfect, I also feel more and more betrayed.

 

I always paid attention when she seemed unhappy. I asked her if she wanted to try new things, if she was getting bored and so on. But she always had the same answer "Stop it, this has nothing to do with you... It's about <insert random thing>".

 

She constantly wrote to this irritating dude FB, but got angry and accused me of being jealous every time I asked about him. She said that he was ugly and even called him an idiot.

 

Then she broke up with, stating that she's been thinking about this for 6 months and that she is happier without me. She wanted to be alone and focus on her studies. Stupid as I was, I believed her. The first thing she did is to start seeing the dude. She started telling people how happy she was and how she is madly in love. She sent me cocky text messages.

 

Some time ago, a friend showed me her new profile picture on Facebook. I didn't want to see it, but he did it anyway. She wears a ton of makeup and licks on a ****ing lollipop. It was surreal. She used to make fun of girls that posted these kinds of pictures. When we met, she was a shy, chubby, girl who enjoyed drawing and wrinting short stories. And now she looks and acts like a pornstar. What the hell happened?

 

Even though she's really hot, it's almost embarrassing... I spent 6,5 years with this girl. Was I mistaken all this time? My friends laugh at her. They tell me that it's rather obvious that she's a shallow idiot and and that I'm much better off without her.

 

But everything seems so surreal... How could she transform so quickly into this evil, egocentric, shallow monster?

 

I think her behavior fits the whole GIGS thing really well, but it's still driving me crazy. I'm the kind of person who needs to understand things to accept them.

[flightplan]

I'm the kind of person who needs to understand things to accept them.

 

The longer you dwell on her shortcomings, the longer it'll take to move forward. Trying to get into the head of someone else and why they do what they do is pointless and an exercise in futility. You'll never really know... but more importantly, you shouldn't care. It's over, move on and thank your lucky stars.

[herself]

Im sorry for what your going through.

I think your sad because its at the point you are start

[pickflicker]

Why we get dumped is one of the few things we don't get to understand. It can't be rationalised, and you'll just end up torturing yourself if you try.

 

It just had to be let go.

[herself]

Sorry, pressed wting button, I think your starting to accept its gone and that she is a stranger. Your also quickly losing respect but its such a foreign feeling to have a bit of animosity toward someone you were so close to and loved and its hurting you.

Hopefully seeing shes changed so drastically will help you but I know the rollercoaster of emotion sends you plunging down so fast, but hopefully soon, right back up.

Its ok, real beauty is in the inside so hot or not, you want the whole package and you did nothing wrong so head high buddy, it will be ok, no more fb peeks.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Kevin,

 

I think you're neglecting the simple truth. I'm glad that you are able to look back at the relationship and analyze it without any bias, certainly an important step in your recovery, but what seems to be holding you back is the simple truth of choosing to continue being affected by someone else's decisions. You have to understand that your ex-girlfriend broke up with you. The only defense that we have against that kind of uncertainty in relationships is understanding the difference between the suffering that is caused from the heart-break, and the suffering that is caused by ourselves. You only suffer as much as you have to, but there's a certain point where our suffering may be caused by what we choose to do to ourselves. Dealing with heart-break is one thing, but dealing with our own choices to get involved in matters that are no longer our concern is another. If you got rid of your heart-break, you'd get rid of the temptation to be involved with your ex-girlfriend's life...but they are mutually correlated. You can't get rid of one without getting rid of the other.

 

You know what the best thing for me was? Assuming the worst. If I assumed that my ex-girlfriend was having sex with every dude on the planet, that she's dating some other dude and doesn't give a single **** about me, that she's probably had another dude lined up even BEFORE the break-up, that she's talking to all her friends about how much of a failure I was and all those things, then I wouldn't feel the need to check up on her life. Do I feel that my ex-girlfriend has a picture of herself sucking a lollipop? Hell, maybe she's got a picture with an actual dick in her mouth. Maybe she's got a profile picture of herself taking a piss on the pillow sheets I gave her with our faces on them. Yeah, it hurt thinking about that kind of stuff. Could it be possible? Absolutely. Could I be over-exaggerating? Absolutely. However, the question you have to ask yourself is:

 

What am I really benefiting from staying involved with my ex-girlfriend's life?

 

You claim that your friend went against your wishes and showed you the picture anyway, but you still chose to. One of my friends wanted to check his phone and look at her profile, but I stopped him right there and said "dude, if you look at her profile...you're gonna make certain faces that I will catch. I don't want it to affect our relationship, so it's best if you don't do it." Even though I can predict what kind of stuff that I'm going to see, I don't do it. Why? Because I don't benefit from it. In fact, if anything, I'll only hurt myself. Why would I purposely put myself in a situation that would hurt me? More importantly, why would I purposely put myself in a situation that would hurt me while I'm still in the process of recovering from a break-up?

 

The truth is that, for the past several months, I was ****ing hurt. In fact, I had to go to the hospital the night she broke up with me because I thought I was going to kill myself. I cried three days straight, called in sick a couple times for work, and sometimes I'd cry some more.

 

But when I checked my ex-girlfriend's Tumblr, I learned that valuable lesson real quick. My ex-girlfriend referred to me as a "loser," and how she's much happier without me. I wasn't hurt by that even though it was pretty degrading...I was more disappointed in myself because I thought to myself...Ox, was it worth it? All I had to do was type in a URL, and I read just one particular thing that may have resulted in me actually attempting to kill myself had I not been making progress in my recovery already. I ****ed up, and I acknowledge the fact that I ****ed up; however, I know that the reason why I ****ed up was because I chose to **** up.

 

And that's all you're doing. You're choosing to do these things, my friend. You're choosing to ask yourself questions that you really don't want to know the answer to. The less you know about her life, the better off you're going to be. At some point, the uncertainty of what is going on in your life is gonna make you realize that you are still alive, making decisions for your future, and moving on with or without the knowledge of what your ex-girlfriend is doing. It may not much sense now, but moving on from an ex-relationship is like overcoming an addiction to Facebook. When we have it, we feel like we need it; when we don't have it, we realize that it wasn't that important in our lives but only allowed it to be important.

 

See, your ex-girlfriend is an influence on your life, you and I both loved our ex-girlfriends very much, but the amount of CONTROL you grant her is in your hands. A profile picture is just a profile picture; you may browse thousands of Facebook profiles and come across women who portray themselves as...uh...sexually promiscuous...and you wouldn't bat an eye. One dude who visits your ex-girlfriend's profile is gonna think the same thing..."oh, a lollipop. How quaint." The only reason why it's important to you is because you allow it to be important. And I understand that your friend pressured you, but from what I gather...you didn't resist as well as you could've. In the end, you looked at the profile picture he presented to you because you chose to look at it...for whatever reason.

 

This is what I can tell you. Relationships don't suddenly end; they deteriorate. My ex-girlfriend started falling out of love with me, according to her, half our relationship. As a result, my ex-girlfriend had about a year and 3 months head start to get over the break-up because by the time she broke up with me, she didn't love me as much as I loved her. Your ex-girlfriend has a head start against you, so she's going to be making decisions that you won't even think about until later. Is she in another relationship? After three months, I can't say it's not possible. Is she having loads of sex? Maybe. Is she getting drunk off her ass and telling her friends that you mean nothing to her anymore? I won't say it can't happen. But the thing you have to accept is that she is going to do and say whatever she wants to in her life, and that is no longer your concern because you and her are no longer together. She probably has become this "evil, egocentric, shallow monster" because, for whatever reason, she's changed. People change. Why? Doesn't matter. She changed. That's all you need to know. Could have been the relationship that changed her, could've been you specifically, could've been a realization/epiphany, etc. Doesn't matter. What benefit do you get to receiving that knowledge on why she changed? Nothing. Knowing why she changed isn't going to help you get to work on time, get you more money in the bank. It's not gonna help you cook that food, or wash your clothes. It's not gonna make you feel more alive if you know "oh, so this is why she changed. Now I'm gonna become a millionaire."

 

The most important thing for you to know right now is this:

 

you are going to be okay. Eat that advice up everyday like it was a milk substitute for your whole-grain breakfast cereal. Strive to progress. Realize that every second you spend choosing to hurt over a break-up you had no control over is only going to prevent you from becoming the person you want to be. When you progress everyday, strive to better yourself as a person, you WILL get better. But you have to want it...and you can't want something when you're looking at profile pictures or asking questions that won't benefit you.

 

You're asking the wrong questions. Start asking the right ones.

[headinthecloud]

^^ sound advice, Ox!

 

OP, the 3mos mark is renowned for relapses...be strong, it will pass. But take Ox's advice...she should be dead to you. I promise, if you work on yourself you will be a totally different person in another 3mos.

[Kevin_D]

Thank you guys, especially Ox for your long post. I haven't posted here very much lately, but today I felt like I needed some words of encouragement.

 

I would never contact her. I've blocked her on Facebook. She's basically dead to me. But I feel that this is bigger. I can be happy without her.

 

But just a week before she broke up with me, she could call me 7 times in a row if I didn't answer right. She always talked about the future, she wanted to do things together all the time. She always said that her biggest fear in life was losing me. I've asked my family and my friends if they had sensed anything, but no... They all said that she seemed to in love with me.

 

Obviously, these were all lies. It wasn't a casual "I love you too", no, she was making plans, bought me gifts, wanted to have a lot sex... Actually, I thought things were going better than in several years. I felt so happy.

 

And suddenly, she just left, without a real explanation. And the thing is, how can I ever be able to trust someone again? This girl watched me cry and do all sorts of stupid things... she was always loyal. And then, within a few days, she was completely changed and now it's a complete stranger.

 

I want to have partner who will be there for me when I'm weak. Someone who will take care of me when I'm sick. But will I ever be able to trust someone again? I don't want to be a stone face who never shows any emotions, but it feels like that's how I'm going to end up.

[headinthecloud]

Thank you guys, especially Ox for your long post. I haven't posted here very much lately, but today I felt like I needed some words of encouragement.

 

I would never contact her. I've blocked her on Facebook. She's basically dead to me. But I feel that this is bigger. I can be happy without her.

 

But just a week before she broke up with me, she could call me 7 times in a row if I didn't answer right. She always talked about the future, she wanted to do things together all the time. She always said that her biggest fear in life was losing me. I've asked my family and my friends if they had sensed anything, but no... They all said that she seemed to in love with me.

 

Obviously, these were all lies. It wasn't a casual "I love you too", no, she was making plans, bought me gifts, wanted to have a lot sex... Actually, I thought things were going better than in several years. I felt so happy.

 

And suddenly, she just left, without a real explanation. And the thing is, how can I ever be able to trust someone again? This girl watched me cry and do all sorts of stupid things... she was always loyal. And then, within a few days, she was completely changed and now it's a complete stranger.

 

I want to have partner who will be there for me when I'm weak. Someone who will take care of me when I'm sick. But will I ever be able to trust someone again? I don't want to be a stone face who never shows any emotions, but it feels like that's how I'm going to end up.

 

You need more time. What you're feeling - the distrust, the numbness, the betrayal - its all part of the recovery process. I promise, it does pass. But you must work on yourself. Get healthy, read self-help books, post here and see a professional if you can. Just don't stop trying to improve yourself.

 

Your wounds are still very open and healing. You need at least 2-3 more months. Be patient with yourself. Here's a site that helped me through the bad days - Breakup Recovery Guide - whatever you do, don't lay down. Fight!

[ithappenedagain]

I know this isn't going to help you out right now, but listen carefully.....

 

 

I 1000000000000% guarantee you that some day, down the road, you are going to see a picture of her - or even see her out and about - and just shake your head and laugh while saying 'what the hell was i thinking!!!!'

 

Trust me.

 

[pickflicker]

Thank you guys, especially Ox for your long post. I haven't posted here very much lately, but today I felt like I needed some words of encouragement.

 

I would never contact her. I've blocked her on Facebook. She's basically dead to me. But I feel that this is bigger. I can be happy without her.

 

But just a week before she broke up with me, she could call me 7 times in a row if I didn't answer right. She always talked about the future, she wanted to do things together all the time. She always said that her biggest fear in life was losing me. I've asked my family and my friends if they had sensed anything, but no... They all said that she seemed to in love with me.

 

Obviously, these were all lies. It wasn't a casual "I love you too", no, she was making plans, bought me gifts, wanted to have a lot sex... Actually, I thought things were going better than in several years. I felt so happy.

 

And suddenly, she just left, without a real explanation. And the thing is, how can I ever be able to trust someone again? This girl watched me cry and do all sorts of stupid things... she was always loyal. And then, within a few days, she was completely changed and now it's a complete stranger.

 

I want to have partner who will be there for me when I'm weak. Someone who will take care of me when I'm sick. But will I ever be able to trust someone again? I don't want to be a stone face who never shows any emotions, but it feels like that's how I'm going to end up.

 

That's something you have to actively work against. Bitterness just creeps up on a person. People hurting us is a lesson we learn sooner or later. I've learned it sooner. You learned it much later.

 

I have been betrayed like you wouldn't believe. But I still pick myself up and keep going. I don't let one a**hole determine my life's course from then on out. Everyone deserves a chance. No one deserves to be judged on the actions of others.

[TXGuy]

 

This girl watched me cry and do all sorts of stupid things...

 

I want to have partner who will be there for me when I'm weak. Someone who will take care of me when I'm sick.

 

Don't show weakness in front of a woman you care about. Minimize showing weakness to the extent possible. Weakness in a man generates contempt in a woman. It is hard wired. She might (generally not) pretend that she sympathizes, but it is really contempt.

 

I'm sure there were other issues as well, but get it out of your head that you want a woman to be there when you are weak.

[Hoosfoos]

get it out of your head that you want a woman to be there when you are weak.

 

From my perspective, support and knowing your partner is in your corner would be nice.

[Kevin_D]

Thanks everyone. It's funny... This has been the worst day since christmas. And just when I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, I got a message from a girl who I thought ignored me. She asked me if I wanted to have a drink. Her timing couldn't have been better.

 

Yes, I know that happiness should come from within, but these little things really means a lot right now.

 

And no... I won't look back and shake my head. She WAS the woman of my dreams. Pehaps not the last two years of the relationship, but before that, she was everything, and I mean everything, I ever wanted. I've put girls on piedestals before, but this was different, trust me.

 

And if I can't show weakness in front of a girl, I'd rather be single. Yes, it's hard wired that women are less attracted to men that show weakness, but a relationship shouldn't revolve around attraction after 6 years. I thought a lot about sleeping with other women, but I would never give up a great relationship because of a stupid reason like that.

[ithappenedagain]

 

And no... I won't look back and shake my head. She WAS the woman of my dreams. Pehaps not the last two years of the relationship, but before that, she was everything, and I mean everything, I ever wanted. I've put girls on piedestals before, but this was different, trust me.

 

 

 

 

I call bullsh_T dude.

 

With that attitude you are never gonna make progress.

 

She treated you like sh*t dude.

 

She sounds like a freaking whore if you ask me. If that is ''the woman of your dreams'' than I feel bad for the chick who is wanting to go out with your for a drink tonight.

Edited February 6, 2014 by ithappenedagain

[melell]

I promise you it is simply a matter of time. I remember around the 3 month mark I had about 2 weeks of utter misery- it was the worst part of the whole process for me.

 

It fades away. I can't even remember half of the things that were upsetting me about what happened. I can't even remember feeling bad, even though I know it felt horrible.

 

We had been together a couple more years than you had. There were plenty of things that had happened while we were together that were horrible, unforgivable, justified anger. But with time it all dissolved.

 

I know it is different for everyone but this might help..

 

Month 1- sadness, scared, nonstop thoughts.

Month 2- loads of distractions, sadness, non stop thoughts at night.

Month 3- Anger, regret, self pity, loneliness, negativity, thoughts (complete miserable rollercoaster).

Month 4- loneliness, thoughts every few days.

Month 5-Myself again, positive thinking, past 4 months just a blur. Finding every funny, the comparative from feeling bad to feeling good made me feel amazing.

Month 6- Can't even remember exactly when we broke up, or what I was so angry/sad about. Thoughts very rare (or when on ls). NO loneliness.

Month 7- So happy to be single, so happy to have nothing to worry about, feeling like everything was for the best. Just generally really really happy.

Month 8-current month, same as month 7.

 

Time and logic helps. Things that made it sooo much easier, positive affirmations every time I thought of them. No contact (complete, no fb etc, no mentioning them in conversations, and I made it so they had no ability to contact me).

 

Shifting my focus completely away from the past, it works.

[Kevin_D]

I call bullsh_T dude.

 

With that attitude you are never gonna make progress.

 

She treated you like sh*t dude.

 

She sounds like a freaking whore if you ask me. If that is ''the woman of your dreams'' than I feel bad for the chick who is wanting to go out with your for a drink tonight.

 

I've made a lot of progress, actually. She WAS a fantastic girlfriend for several years.

 

I don't know who she is today. I don't want her back. Staying in NC is not a problem, because I don't want to see her again. Honestly.

 

But I miss allt the things we shared. I feel lonely. I feel betrayed.

 

The girl I'm going to meet was recently dumped as well. I don't consider it a date. I would just be fun to have a new female friend.

[TXGuy]

From my perspective, support and knowing your partner is in your corner would be nice.

 

It would be nice, but not realistic.

[Sandy99]

Just keep reminding yourself that you don't need to be in touch with this girl anymore. If she calls you, you can decide what to do. Also remember that throughout history countless people have done crazy, cruel and unexplained things...Human nature is a complete mystery. So your ex is in no way an anomaly. Also know that at some point in time your girlfriend will most likely realize that she treated you poorly. This will probably happen when her karma is at an all time low and she gets the same treatment from somebody else. In the mean time just keep reminding yourself that she's in a honeymoon phase with her new boyfriend and there's nothing you can do about that, and just focus on your own future and self healing. Good luck.

[OhThatGirl]

Don't show weakness in front of a woman you care about. Minimize showing weakness to the extent possible. Weakness in a man generates contempt in a woman. It is hard wired. She might (generally not) pretend that she sympathizes, but it is really contempt.

 

I'm sure there were other issues as well, but get it out of your head that you want a woman to be there when you are weak.

 

Hmmm. Weakness does not necessarily generate contempt. Sometimes showing weakness shows that a man is invested enough in a relationship to be able to show the less than perfect parts of his life. Without some weakness here and there women will know you're being fake, ingenuine, or closed off. We need weakness to be expressed. Otherwise we are fighting against the almighty invincible and can't begin to feel vulnerable ourselves.

 

That being said, you shouldn't want a girl for the purpose of having her to support you through weakness. She's not a crutch. She's a person you share life with. If some of those moments happen to be weak, so be it. But never ever want someone to share your misery. You have to be happy and strong FIRST and then get into a relationship where it's ok to open up about the less than glowing moments.