Women who walked away, could I get your perspective?

[Lost soulmate]

2.50 a gallon,

Thanks for your response. Although the deaths might have contributed to her mental health state, they also contributed to mine. I'm sure that it also affected the way I acted also. I remember when I lost my grandmother, I had gotten very selfish with my feelings. The smallest things would get to me. Her and her father never had the closest relationship until the end. When he was sick they had gotten very close, and then it was taken away. She never really seemed to break down about it and it concerned me. I would try to get her to talk about it to no prevail. She also told me she didn't feel like I was there for her, but I was. Maybe not enough or what she perceived as enough. His death affected me too. We were very close. He died with the piece of mind that I would always be there for them. It makes me feel like I failed in that aspect too. It was only two months after his death that she dropped the bomb on me.

[Ronni_W]

Lost soulmate,

I feel compelled to assure you that you did not fail your deceased father-in-law. You would still be there for them in exactly the same way as always if you had the opportunity. On the other hand, I feel quite confident in saying that if any of your former in-laws called on you...you would still be there. (It's okay if I'm wrong about that, though.)

She also told me she didn't feel like I was there for her, but I was. Maybe not enough or what she perceived as enough.

Perhaps just not in the way that she wanted, needed or would have preferred? But that is HER lack of self-knowledge and, or inability to properly express her wants, needs, preferences. You are not a mind-reader, after all. (It's okay if I'm wrong about that, though .)

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for her family. The problem is, when I do not have contact with her or her family, I start feeling better. It helps to put it out of my mind. As soon as I have contact with her or my in-laws, I feel as low as the day it happened all over again. Her mother would call me without her knowledge, and tell me to keep trying to get through to her. It gave me false hope. She would tell me do not give up. It has strained the relationship between her and her mother. I told her mother to be there for her and not to get in the middle. They have the closest relationship between mother and daughter that I have ever known. Lately she has withdrawn from her mother too. I do not want them to be strained because of me. Her mother tells me I'm the son she never had. What can I do? I can not keep a relationship with mother-in-law when my ex moves on into another relationship. Maybe in the future when this is not so hard, it won't be so bad. Time will tell I guess.

[Ronni_W]

Lost soulmate,

I do totally understand everything you say. I do miss my former in-laws all the time. And my mom does also miss her 'second son'.

But as you say, it is best to maintain distance from things that re-open the wounds.

 

I managed to maintain a very good relationship with my ex and my in-laws, although I haven't seen or really spoken with any of them for a while. Birthdays, mostly. Not for reasons other than we all got busy with the rest of our lives, I suppose. But my extended family still exchanges (through me) their good wishes, as does his family to mine (through my former sis-in-law).

 

It still sucks, though. All of it. Like I said, the end of all of that can still make me sad.

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

If I may ask, when you did decide it was time to end it, was there someone else you had your eyes on? Did you take time for yourself? If so, how much time? Were there rebound relationships? Did you confide to friends and family how you felt about it? The funny thing is that in my situation, she will not tell any of our friends this is even going on. Her friends seem to know everything. A few friends of ours have called her and not said they know, she flat out lies to them or blows them off.

[Ronni_W]

Lost soulmate,

No, I didn't 'trade-in' my husband, as it were. To me, that would have been jumping from frying pan into fire. My ex-husband really is a super-nice guy and we did also have a very good and happy life together.

 

Yes, I took time for myself -- enrolled in general-interest courses, joined a (real life) divorce support group -- AND parallel with that did start a new relationship that I thought was probably going to be a rebound...but ended up being long-term.

 

I did confide in selected, trusted family and friends. He did not want to reveal anything to anyone. Which I respected and it bit me in the behind because when I started the new relationship (some six months after we separated), people who didn't know anything about the hell I was living thought I was cheating on my then-husband. He did nothing to correct their beliefs, which was very painful for me. Some time after, he started believing the same crap...even though he KNEW the timeline of our descent, that we'd been to counseling, his attitude towards counseling. Weird times.

 

Now. What triggered my whole 'crisis' WAS a guy, a waiter, who happened to treat me nicely when at dinner with my then-sis-in-law. It screwed me up terribly. EFF! It makes me cry thinking about. Imagine feeling so...whatever the eff I was feeling...desolate, really is the best word that now describes it, that some waiter being nice to you can trigger a crisis of life, marriage. He did nothing different to me than he does with all his other patrons, but it made me feel special in a way that I (then, in that moment) realized I hadn't in a very, very long time.

 

I do want to add here that, at that time, I was as clueless and lacking in self-awareness as the next person. It took a long time and lots of "personal development work" to be able to put it all in some kind of perspective from which I can (try to) explain it in a reasonable, logical way.

 

I don't mind remembering, talking about it. Feel free to ask whatever comes to mind that may offer you further...clues or answers for your own situation.

 

Edit to add: Comes to mind that I really ought mention that my ex and I lived together in the, er, 'former matrimonial home' for a very long time after. Which is why people who weren't told did not know of our separation, divorce. It worked for us, the living arrangement, but is not something I'd recommend.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Ronni_W

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

What gets to me is the abrupt ending. Here it is less than 2 month later and already have divorce filed. No trail separation or any chance to reconcile with couseling. I live in Florida and it is so easy to divorce here. In less than 3 months to go from seemingly happy to divorced is strange to me. My friends too think she has found someone else. At first i was still defending her but now i don't know what to think. She has turned so cold and selfish. We do not currently live together. I would not leave the new home until my name comes off the mortgage. I don't know where her head is at right now and can't afford for her to let things go with the house. So until she refinances, I stay here, in my prison.

[cozycottagelg]

I think that sometimes (and I know this is not true ALL of the time)..that women are either a nag, or they don't say enough.

 

I didn't want to be a nag. In fact, one of the things my husband bragged to his friends the most about, is that I was great. I never complained, I never nagged. So, that sort of became who I was. I wanted to be brag-worthy in his eyes.

 

He thinks/thought we had the perfect marriage because he got to do whatever he wanted. He got to put himself first, I worried about me, and the kids, and he got to worry about himself, and that's it.

 

He was helpful around the house. We kissed every morning and every evening and times in between. We had date nights. On paper we had/have a really great life.

 

My issue (and I don't know if you even have children)..is that as far as they were concerned, I did everything. He was a great father at home, reads, plays, jokes around, disciplines..he's great..but outside of the house, he is basically non-existent. For many years (things are a bit different now because he knows I want out, so he's scrambling to be perfect) I did everything. I brought the kids to daycare, I picked them up, I worked all day. I made dinner most nights. I did lunches, backpacks, homework, appointments. I bet my husband doesn't know our pediatricians name. He might...but I bet not. I pay all of the bills. I know every kids name in my daughters class, I know who sits at her table. I know who she plays with, who she has lunch with. I know a lot of the parents. I know the other teachers names in the class. I know what day she has gym, and art, and health, and library.

 

When I needed a new car, I researched and went alone. I schedule all of my own car appointments. I know that isn't necessarily a mans job..but sometimes it would be nice to feel like I'm taken care of, not like I'm the only one taking care of the entire household.

 

When I'd want to go out of town to visit friends (when we just had our daughter), I would have my mom watch her, and my husband got to be home alone. It was too stressful to be home alone with her, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.

 

When I was out and he had the kids, I would check in and he would say what a rough time he was having. He would never fib and say everything was great so I could enjoy myself...he would be brutally honest and make me feel guilty and come home.

 

I take the kids basically everywhere with me. He runs out to grab something at the store and they want to go, and he says no. Up until this past year, he hadn't even taken them to the grocery store without me there.

 

I felt responsible for EVERYTHING. And now, now he knows it's bad and he's pleading for me to stay. Can't live without me, can't be in the house without me. Guilt guilt guilt... now I have to stay and keep the family together because he would be too sad with me gone.

 

Tired. I'm really, effing tired.

[Ronni_W]

In less than 3 months to go from seemingly happy to divorced is strange to me.

It happened to me in...about a minute.

The rest of the crap all happened after that.

 

A different way to look at it is that she found a source of feelings that she feels needed, necessary for herself to be able to...to do whatever. Deal with her dad's death and, or whatever else. For her, there is strength in feeling whatever her new situation, circumstance is allowing her to feel, whether that is with or without support of a new person.

Frequently, yes, other people or a special someone can help us feel what we need, want to feel. I think it's better to just keep acknowledging that you don't know than to jump to the conclusion that she has found someone who is helping her feel how she wants, needs to feel at this time.

 

She herself may not have too good of a handle on where her head is right now.

Her coldness is also her way of dealing with the end of her marriage. Even if there is a new person, it still is also a loss for the person leaving. She also didn't expect any of this on your wedding day. She would have had similar dreams, expectations for 'happy ever after' as the rest of us do.

 

I get the feeling of your house being a prison right now. But it also is the platform from which you must build your happy rest-of-life. That is, you can if you choose make it something different than just a prison.

 

I'm not saying it's easy...only that...well, you get what I'm saying.

Also, I want a promise to go dancing...if, when I get to Florida or you get to Toronto. Deal?

Edited February 6, 2014 by Ronni_W

[turnera]

My wife walked away from a seemingly good marriage. I dont know if it was GIGS or an affair. I was wondering if I could get a female's thoughts on this. We never fought much and when we did it never lasted through the night. Why do women seem to not tell their feelings before its to late? If a woman is not confrontational during the marriage, why do they find it so easy once they made their mind up? Does the dumper even have feelings toward the dumpee after spending so many years together. I have noticed on this site, women seem to help women and men help the men. I think that might have been the problem in the first place with a lot of these marriages. I invite women to comment on this and please dont sugar-coat it. I would like honest feelings.

She had plenty of feelings throughout your marriage. She just decided somewhere along the way it wasn't safe to share them with you.

 

I equate most men with dogs - just go out and get/do what you want - and women with cats - make sure you are safe AT ALL TIMES and then maybe enjoy yourself. But always be wary for the aggression, raised voices, ignoring, or any other actions a partner takes that may make her feel unsafe. It may have only been one event that caused her to feel this way. But it forever taught her not to tell you she was unhappy.

 

Of course, that's assuming she's not having an EA or PA.

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

You got yourself a deal.

 

Turnera,

My ex's idea of marriage comes from what she saw growing up from her parents. It was hard for her to express herself to her father. I believe she puts me in his shoes. I have never swept her feelings away or gave her a reason to not tell me what she felt. Even through all of this i never raised my voice to her once. She just feels thats the way a wife should act, her mother being her example. Just my opinion, I could be wrong.

 

cozycottagelg,

If you take the responsibilities, a man will let you. Early in my marriage I would try to cook dinner. In my ex's experience a woman was the one to make dinner. When I would try, she would jump in and start to take over. It got to the point that I just backed off. I never tried again unless I was home alone. Just a guys take on it. I know kids are more important than making dinner, but thats all I got. I see in my marriage that I would do that with a lot of things, when I was criticized, I would just back off. I dont know your situation entirely, thats just my 2 cents. Maybe try to include him in things, not all at once but make him start having responsibilities. I wish women would start with a wake up call like with my situation before getting fed up. If I had been given the chance, after what I am going through, I would be the best husband I could be.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Lost soulmate

[Tripz]

Cozy, sounds like you are in the same boat as just about everyone else on here, but you seem to be still at the deciding stage of what to do and how to do it. As I've only JUST found this website I'm not in a great position to give ANY advice. However, as I read these stories and find they mostly all have the same patterns, I keep thinking, "Damn, if I could only get my wife to read some of this, a lot of our issues would make sense." I know it wouldn't change much at this point, but it would shed light on the fact that the mistakes we BOTH made, were done out of ignorance, not malice. I think people seem to think that life skills are natural abilities and when one person hurts the other one, over time, that it's somehow intentional. I'm starting to believe it's simply lack of skill in communication. So technically, it's not necessarily anyone's fault (certain cases, sure), it's just the natural progression of a marriage without core communication understanding. I wonder how many folks here, like myself, would never have even considered divorce or another person, had we simply spent a week on this website?? The information and testimonies recorded on these pages could save so many marriages, especially if both parties realized that it really would be worth it to learn how to re-communicate. I know, in my case, I allowed my/our life together to just "move along" in an unhealthy manner, all the while truly ignorant of how to make those needed changes. It's such a tragedy. My greatest regret is that I'm now beginning to see how truly simple fixing my marriage would have been. With the right tools and knowledge (and attitude), it would have been actually fun. Kind of like re-courting my spouse. Who wouldn't love that?

 

Cosy, all that drivel to really say, if you still want it, you can still have it. Make your husband read this site. Make him spend an hour a day here. Make him in the sense of urge him to discover any errors. You said he's a great guy. There's a LOT of us here today that truly are "great guys". I feel like I am one. I totally feel like Lost Soulmate is, too. He obviously loves and cares for his XW. As do I. I hate what my wife has done and is doing, but more because I can now see how utterly damaging it is going to be for her. I wish there was some way for me to show her this site. Not for reconciliation for us, but simply so she can learn to grow for her own personal development. Ronni_W has so eloquently shown in her posts that it is truly a process, but so important. Personally, I WILL NOT even think about a new relationship until I feel confident that I have learned some very important relationship life skills. Why would I want to trudge through another failed relationship carrying the same habits that I have now? How unfair to the next person that comes into my life. I'll also use the things I learn here to help me cull other people that have matured in their own communication and life skills. I see a lot of people around me that THINK they have it together, but they are either deluding themselves or simply ignorant as I have been for most of my life.

 

Why isn't this stuff taught in our school systems??? Ugh...

 

I'm really interested Cozy, in what your plans are.

 

(edit - Sorry Lost Soulmate for threadjacking this thread. It's just that it has a really good "open" topic feel to it and one of the best and useful threads I have read so far on here. So many good, caring people on this site willing to step up and help the noobies. I'm sure the long time regulars here get tired with the same stories, questions, problems, etc. So thank you for helping. It truly could be a life or death situation for someone just starting to go through this hell)

Edited February 6, 2014 by Tripz

[Lost soulmate]

Tripz,

No worries. I can tell by the views this has accumulated that this is a hot topic. Maybe it can help both sides men and women. It is good though to get the womans point of view on it. It has helped me to understand my short-comings with my relationship. I also know that this will help me with future relationships and others as well.

[Ronni_W]

It was hard for her to express herself to her father. I believe she puts me in his shoes.

Lost soulmate,

The part that you wrote there got me to thinking about a possible different thing to consider but...well, it's a bit out there especially since I really have nothing on which to base it.

 

If you are okay with answering these next few questions, it may help me get clear with my own new train of thought...

 

Prior finding out that she was having an affair, did you have the sense that she was in love with you and generally happy with you?

Even though she found it difficult to express herself to her dad, what was their relationship? More specifically, what is your impression of how she felt about him?

At what point in her dad's illness, death did she start the affair?

 

Of course I'll share anything worthwhile that comes out of my ponderings.

[Tripz]

Tripz,

No worries. I can tell by the views this has accumulated that this is a hot topic. Maybe it can help both sides men and women. It is good though to get the womans point of view on it. It has helped me to understand my short-comings with my relationship. I also know that this will help me with future relationships and others as well.

I totally agree. I NEED a woman's perspective. I already know what guys will say. Most of my guy friends have zero clue either, so their advice is male biased. Since I don't have any girl-friends to talk to except my mother and sister (also a tad biased), getting a complete strangers opinion, especially someone that has gone through the same thing, is invaluable. I can tell by Ronni's post count, that she really cares about helping people. Lord knows I'm BEGGING for help. Being a self reliant, problem fixer type, I rarely admit to needing help. Not this time. All pride is sloughed off and I am fully exposed to hear and accept the good and the bad. I'm a sponge soaking up the information here. In fact, on one of my other boards, there's a thread titled "How Long Have You Been Married?" It has 8 pages, but I felt compelled to advertise this website. Who, with any amount of intelligence, would NOT want to learn from here??? Even if you have "a perfect marriage", I believe 30 minutes a day on this single website could even make it better.

[Ronni_W]

Who, with any amount of intelligence, would NOT want to learn from here???

Tripz,

The truly, truly sad, heartbreaking thing is, in my experience, VERY FEW especially men are willing to hone their relationship and communication skills, and become self-aware enough to know their own feelings, emotional needs, flaws, weaknesses...nevermind finding confidence, courage enough to express such things or enquire about their partner's such things.

 

I think it is a societal thing about what "makes a man a man"...feelings and emotions ain't it.

 

I do my version of ranting all the time, about why these most important subjects are not taught in school...kindergarten is not early enough, if you ask me. There are age-appropriate ways. Emotional intelligence and fluency must become the new...er, mathematics.

[cozycottagelg]

I wish women would start with a wake up call like with my situation before getting fed up. If I had been given the chance, after what I am going through, I would be the best husband I could be.

 

I used to think that maybe I wasn't clear enough with him, but looking back, I was. And there are also certain things that I (and I don't know if it's fair, or not) feel are just obvious.

 

My husband knew I was upset when he wouldn't go places with us. I'd get the obligatory email on Monday morning "I'm so sorry I skipped _______ (insert event)..I should have went with you and the kids. You're such a great wife, I love you"

 

He knew he wasn't pulling his own weight. I can only say so much.

 

Honestly, the problem that I have, is that I expected him to WANT to hang out with us. I didn't think I was married to someone I had to ask to go places, like bbq's or parties. I expected him to WANT to go. I only asked him to go to the things I thought he would enjoy. I wasn't asking him to go to things he would be bored at. But he missed all of it. On purpose. Most of the time he was just home..by himself. I don't want to be married to someone who would rather be home alone than with his family. I get that everyone needs a break, even I would love a day home alone every now and then... but everytime? No. Sorry. I'm not nagging. I shouldn't have to.

 

Oh but now...now he wants to go everywhere. Now he's a family man. It is such a slap in my face that me leaving is what turns him into this person. Not being a loving wife who thinks he is wonderful and amazing, no not that. I have to tell him I want to leave before he makes a change. I can't tell you how insulting that is.

Edited February 6, 2014 by cozycottagelg

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

Honestly, I cannot prove she was having an affair. That is what crosses my mind though. I tried to get her to admit to it and she would not. I did check phone records and found nothing out of the ordinary. I think it might have been like what you wrote about with the waiter. Maybe she wanted to act on something. I cant be sure. Her parents were older, the age of my grandparents. Her father was a hardass marine. She was never abused or anything, he just came from a generation that the woman handled the housework and the man provided. Her mother was a housewife. My XW and her father never really had a relationship where they talked much. Really they had nothing in common. In the last year of his life, they became a lot closer. I think it teally affected her that when they became close she lost him.

[Ronni_W]

Lord knows I'm BEGGING for help.

Okay, now that you've asked...and also that Lost soulmate has so graciously given permission for us to veer a little bit off the main path.

 

I'm sorry I haven't checked for your back-story...other than what you posted here. Do you want to or, rather, would you like to reconcile with your ex?

[Lost soulmate]

Cozy,

Please dont take that as an insult. Thats what gets me is when women do express their feelings and their husband or boyfriends start trying it makes them madder. Men are stupid. He probably didnt know you had a major problem with it. Give him a chance to try. If he goes back to doing those things then I wouldnt argue with you but dont get mad now that he is trying. Once again, men are stupid when it comes to those things. Like you said you would love to have time by yourself. Is he being selfish, yes. He has gotten away with it before. Give it a chance without being judgemental, if it reverts back to what it used to be then I've got nothing for him. My XW did the same thing. When I tried to do things she complained abbout she got more mad. Its a lose, lose for the man.

[Ronni_W]

In the last year of his life, they became a lot closer. I think it teally affected her that when they became close she lost him.

Yeah, see.

 

That would scare the $H!T outta me. Why would I want to get any closer to this man over here -- my husband -- when he's probably just gonna die on me, too?

 

Grief is a very, very, very weird thing. My dad passed when I was 13 and, even though it was with a child's mind, I made a lot of decisions upon his passing that seriously -- and negatively -- impacted how I did and tried to do my adult life.

 

I'm NOT saying this is what happened for her. Only that it's another possibility. She could have checked-out of the marriage long before you became aware that she wanted out. Or, the thought of you dying on her could have freaked her out to such extent that she had to get away from having to experience that in the future. Had to get away from you now, to avoid facing you dying in the future.

 

If this doesn't at all feel like that's a possibility, please, please, please mentally delete this post. And in that case also, I'm sorry to have mentioned it.

[Tripz]

Ronni W,

Honestly, I cannot prove she was having an affair. That is what crosses my mind though. I tried to get her to admit to it and she would not. I did check phone records and found nothing out of the ordinary. I think it might have been like what you wrote about with the waiter. Maybe she wanted to act on something. I cant be sure. Her parents were older, the age of my grandparents. Her father was a hardass marine. She was never abused or anything, he just came from a generation that the woman handled the housework and the man provided. Her mother was a housewife. My XW and her father never really had a relationship where they talked much. Really they had nothing in common. In the last year of his life, they became a lot closer. I think it teally affected her that when they became close she lost him.

LS, in my case, because the relationship she was having with my friend began as helping him through his alcohol problem, I didn't really see when their relationship went from that to emotional and then physical. We were ALL helping him, his brother, my parents (hired him for about 200 hours clearing their property), me (I hired him at my business case he's a great salesman and kept him on through about 4 of his benders). It was my wife that really had the spare time to be with him as he detoxed each time. Early on, I did start to get jealous of their time together, but since I knew she and I weren't clicking very well anymore, like a fool, I allowed it. It became commonplace that she would go to his apt to watch movies, take him shopping while she did our shopping, etc. Around town, some people noticed them together a lot and I would defend them. I'd say they are JUST FRIENDS. At that time, I think the spark was there, but they had yet to act on it. I did confront them once, which I think I spoke about in another post, but they vehemently said they were STRICTLY platonic. After that, I noticed their time together did wain, as my friend said that he agreed with me. That it was becoming inappropriate. That allowed me some relief that they had been truthful. I think that is when the sneaking around started. As she began to have feelings for him, (this is hindsight wisdom now), our relationship became even more strained. I remember last Aug, we went camping with some friends and she was distant the whole time. It wasn't until Dec that I began to truly find things and suspect a full on affair. But even when I confronted her, she denied it. She did, at that time (Dec 10th) say she wanted out. Again I asked about him, to which she said no. Then I discovered her journals which was the smoking gun.

 

So, not knowing you or your wife, it really sounds like there might be another man. I would have NEVER thought my wife, being who she is, would EVER do that. Yet here it is...unreal.

[cozycottagelg]

Cozy,

Please dont take that as an insult. Thats what gets me is when women do express their feelings and their husband or boyfriends start trying it makes them madder. Men are stupid. He probably didnt know you had a major problem with it. Give him a chance to try. If he goes back to doing those things then I wouldnt argue with you but dont get mad now that he is trying. Once again, men are stupid when it comes to those things. Like you said you would love to have time by yourself. Is he being selfish, yes. He has gotten away with it before. Give it a chance without being judgemental, if it reverts back to what it used to be then I've got nothing for him. My XW did the same thing. When I tried to do things she complained abbout she got more mad. Its a lose, lose for the man.

 

I hear what you are saying, now let me ask you this. If it doesn't come naturally for him to want to hang out with me and the children, but he does it because he doesn't want me to leave, is that genuine? I fear it is not.

[Ronni_W]

Oh but now...now he wants to go everywhere. Now he's a family man. It is such a slap in my face that me leaving is what turns him into this person. Not being a loving wife who thinks he is wonderful and amazing, no not that. I have to tell him I want to leave before he makes a change. I can't tell you how insulting that is.

Big hugs, cozy.

I feel your pain and anguish.

 

If I may. Divorce sucks so very, very much. It's not just hard on the self, but family, children, extended family, friends...people you don't even know or could imagine care, actually do care and are also impacted.

 

Your husband's new behaviour is more an indication of his level of complacency and selfishness and emotional laziness in your marriage. Mine was the same and/but let's face it, we also allowed or enabled them to become that way. Cheerfully we were oh, so accommodating.

 

If you can see your way clear to starting to look at your husband in a different light, with looking for positive intentions behind his present-day actions, with being open to him actually wanting to improve and be the husband that he can be and that you deserve because he does love you...if you could do that, is that something that would interest you at all?

[cozycottagelg]

Big hugs, cozy.

I feel your pain and anguish.

 

If I may. Divorce sucks so very, very much. It's not just hard on the self, but family, children, extended family, friends...people you don't even know or could imagine care, actually do care and are also impacted.

 

Your husband's new behaviour is more an indication of his level of complacency and selfishness and emotional laziness in your marriage. Mine was the same and/but let's face it, we also allowed or enabled them to become that way. Cheerfully we were oh, so accommodating.

 

If you can see your way clear to starting to look at your husband in a different light, with looking for positive intentions behind his present-day actions, with being open to him actually wanting to improve and be the husband that he can be and that you deserve because he does love you...if you could do that, is that something that would interest you at all?

 

I wish that it could. It has been 1.5 years of him being better and I still feel as miserable as I did on the day I told him how unhappy I was. I guess I don't know how to move forward or get over it. I think I just don't want to, as sad as it is.

 

Also, to answer an earlier comment about wives getting angry when changes are made, I will fully fess up to doing just that. But here is why. It took me so long to work up the courage to be completely honest with him. I mean...a really, really long time. I admit to being pretty passive aggressive in the past (ie, telling him he could stay home if that's what he wanted, and then being cold and distant when I would get back home), but when I finally mustered up every ounce of courage I had in my body (which isn't much).. I felt like a HUGE weight was lifted. I felt like I could finally move on, finally make the steps I needed to find my own path and start over. But the next morning, he wakes up chipper, happy, ready to take on this new life and new attitude. As if all of my courage was for nothing. I could cry just thinking about it. It happens everytime. He knows I am bad at confrontation, so he doesn't engage me. I feel like he uses my cowardly qualities against me. Maybe I'm just so done I only see bad...but it is what it is...

 

Sadly I just have stopped enjoying his company for the most part. I love him and I want what's best for him. But I see him as a brother (I know, so many husband on here have heard that line)..but I have no romantic feelings left for him at all. And I don't know how to get them back.