ConcreteHeart Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Hi all. I have not posted in a while. Just trying to make it through each day of no contact. Today I discovered that I was really nothing special to my exMM. I was having lunch with some work friends and my exMM's name came up in coversation within the group. And what do I discover? That he has had affairs before. They were laughing about him and catching him in a compromising position with a woman that I know. It was some years back and I suspected based on something she said once, but I was in denial and didn't really want to see the truth. I like her...and now feel bad for her because I am convinced she ended her marriage to be with him about 15 years ago. Now, I shouldn't be shock to hear this. I mean I have been on this board long enough to hear others talk about a serial cheater etc. But you know? I actually thought my exMM was different. That our relationship was different. That he loved me and just couldn"t leave, when in actual fact, he never loved me and knew exactly how to gradually push me away until it was over. Very skilled and very practiced as it turn out. Here is the kicker...for almost a year, I have been thinking that somehow, if I was just more attentive, or that I was somehow a more loving and better person, he would have stayed...wow... So No Contact today has been hard because I want to blast him! Tell him that he was a total ****...but why? It will not change a damn thing. I was played...big time, and now I have to repair all that damage. Not what he did to me, but what I did to myself. 1
inappfriendly Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 ConcreteHeart, I am with you 100%. I wonder all the time how someone who claimed to care so much...who swore he would never get over me...could just move on without looking back. I actually saw him the other day. It was inevitable. Our kids are at the same school. While my heart nearly lept out of my chest, he stood though cold as ice. I literally almost vomited. He literally couldn't have cared less. Since then revenge has been at the forefront of my mind, but for what purpose? To feed his narcissistic ego? Hell no. Been there, done that. For way too long. I hope you now know that there is not a thing you could have done to change the outcome. It was never about you and always about HIM. HE was nothing special. Remember that. Wishing you all the best. 6
RickFox Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) ConcreteHeart, I am with you 100%. I wonder all the time how someone who claimed to care so much...who swore he would never get over me...could just move on without looking back. I actually saw him the other day. It was inevitable. Our kids are at the same school. While my heart nearly lept out of my chest, he stood though cold as ice. I literally almost vomited. He literally couldn't have cared less. Since then revenge has been at the forefront of my mind, but for what purpose? To feed his narcissistic ego? Hell no. Been there, done that. For way too long. I hope you now know that there is not a thing you could have done to change the outcome. It was never about you and always about HIM. HE was nothing special. Remember that. Wishing you all the best. Probably different circumstances, but my xmw's kid and mine go to the same school. I am cold as ice too, but it is to protect myself as she has done the same to me long before I decided to do it. I tried to be civil and friendly before and she looked right past me..... so two can do that.....but I'm mostly at the back of the school away from her Edited February 5, 2014 by RickFox 1
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 So No Contact today has been hard because I want to blast him! Tell him that he was a total ****...but why? It will not change a damn thing. I was played...big time, and now I have to repair all that damage. Not what he did to me, but what I did to myself. Forgive yourself for choosing to be in an affair, one that hurt you deeply. Painful lesson but you will heal and go on with your life, find happiness again. 100% for sure! Forgive him for being selfish. This will help give you closure, rid of resentment or hate in your heart. Healing well in a healthy way is letting go of it all, and eventually putting it all in box and shut the door for good. 6
PurpleCardigan Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Forgive yourself for choosing to be in an affair, one that hurt you deeply. Painful lesson but you will heal and go on with your life, find happiness again. 100% for sure! Forgive him for being selfish. This will help give you closure, rid of resentment or hate in your heart. Healing well in a healthy way is letting go of it all, and eventually putting it all in box and shut the door for good. This is so brilliant and well-written. I hope this conversation helps to give you some closure. I never got confirmation that mine was a serial cheater, but I think that he was. In hindsight, I saw through LS how practiced he was and "knew" the right things to say even though he said I was his first affair. I have no desire to go back to him, at all. But know this...don't judge your worth by this experience. I did the "what ifs" for a while, too. If only I had been wilder in bed or said this or that. It tormented me. Yet, I've come to realize that I could have done everything right and he still was staying at home. He was happy or happy enough there. I do believe that he loved his family despite his desire to date me for a while (that's his word, btw, he said we were "dating") and that he is never leaving unless his wife kicks him out. In the end, though, keeping NC/LC (co-workers) remains my savior and is helping me work through the grieving process over the relationship and my fantasy of what might have been. Keeping away from him reminds me that I am good enough, and one day I will meet a nice, single guy who knows that. 5
Lady2163 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I think it is very easy for women to play the "what if" game. I try not to with MM, because I know why he stays. He genuinely likes his wife, cares about her. His love for his children is evident. Not so low on the list is losing all that he has spent a lifetime working for money-wise and work wise. He is by no means wealthy, but is definitely upper middle class. Technically, he could divorce and keep his job, BUT getting caught in an affair guarantees he will not have his contract renewed. I do most of my "what if" when it comes to online dating. I rarely have a nibble. I have pictures and a well-written profile. But, no interest. So I know it is largely because of looks. What if I lost weight? What if I tried to grow my hair again? What if I got a wig?
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