bubblesbursted Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I just wanted to know if I am doing okay or not. I dont know one of my friends said I am not facing the grieve and I need to go with the pace. Just a vent..Here goes. So since I got to know that my ex boyfriend has another girl in his life , (within just 10 days we got over, may I add) its like suddenly I have accepted that this is over. I dont think he is going to come back nor am I going to take him back. I did cry the day I got to know about it but now I dont really feel upset about it. I am trying to keep myself busy. Play games, watch movies , read books , LS , talk to friends. I am doing everything and anything to keep my mind of him and he is suddenly not in all my thoughts anymore. I know it might sound lame but I havent cried since the time I got to know he moved on. My friends are saying that I am trying to fast forward the grieving process , etc . But truth be told, I am trying to reclaim my life back. My life I had before him (3 years ago), I am actively looking for a job and doing things which I never thought I would do and I surprised myself by Tieing my hair today (again lame but this is a big thing for me because I never tied my hair in these 3 years since he liked it down) and I am loving all the changes. Whenever his thought crosses my mind I just yell a "NO" and start thinking of a future with someone who would love me and take me no matter what. I have no urge to break NC since I see, he didnt really care. Its not like I am not grieving right? I feel in control right now. I am finding myself again. Everything is okay but just that void feeling isn't gone. I don't know myself if its his absence or the absence of knowing someone is there (if you know what I mean). The thing is I feel good about myself , since I have gone NC , I am starting to see myself in a new light in a way I never saw it when I was with him. There is just one thing that I am scared of..The way I have been reacting since the time I got to know..I am scared does it mean I wasnt really in love with him? Its not like I dont miss him, trust me I do. I have never gone this long not talking to him ever before but suddenly its okay now, its manageable. It doesnt mean I didnt love him right?
Author bubblesbursted Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Yea every now and then I see something which reminds me of him. But it isnt that painful than it was before I got to know he moved on. I mean, is it normal? Its not something (read GRIEF) which will come back to me later in some months or weeks?
Zahara Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Each person deals with grief and pain in their own way. I've dealt with grief by spending months just crying. It was like a consistent purging. And after that, slowly trailed off into some form of indifference although there were times I'd sink into a quick meltdown. That's normally how I go through grieving. Months of crying, moping, remembering, idolizing and then I start to lift up. Then there's my gf. She'd be down for a week or so and then she'll go on with her life. She has sometimes mentioned that she suppresses it so deeply and she is able to compartmentalize. It doesn't mean that she isn't in pain. It's there but she subdues it. The thing with compartmentalization is sometimes when you set your grieving on delay, it comes back to haunt you later down the line. This is what happens to her. And when it does, it's so intense that she partakes in destructive behavior to escape it. You are doing it the best way you can, Bubble. There is no right and wrong way to grieve. If this is what's allowing you to move forward then stick by what you know and what makes you feel good. If a month from now you fall on your knees, you fall on your knees. You'll deal with that when it happens. Grieving doesn't have to be about crying your eyes out and being incapacitated. You may not be rolling on the floor calling out for Jesus, but it doesn't mean that you aren't in your own way feeling and remembering your pain. I think you need to stop relating your process to your feelings for him. He does not matter anymore. You moving forward the way you are has no significance to what you felt for him. That is in the past. What's relevant is how you feel about yourself. Edited February 5, 2014 by Zahara 2
Author bubblesbursted Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Each person deals with grief and pain in their own way. I've dealt with grief by spending months just crying. It was like a consistent purging. And after that, slowly trailed off into some form of indifference although there were times I'd sink into a quick meltdown. That's normally how I go through grieving. Months of crying, moping, remembering, idolizing and then I start to lift up. Then there's my gf. She'd be down for a week or so and then she'll go on with her life. She has sometimes mentioned that she suppresses it so deeply and she is able to compartmentalize. It doesn't mean that she isn't in pain. It's there but she subdues it. The thing with compartmentalization is sometimes when you set your grieving on delay, it comes back to haunt you later down the line. This is what happens to her. And when it does, it's so intense that she partakes in destructive behavior to escape it. You are doing it the best way you can, Bubble. There is no right and wrong way to grieve. If this is what's allowing you to move forward then stick by what you know and what makes you feel good. If a month from now you fall on your knees, you fall on your knees. You'll deal with that when it happens. Grieving doesn't have to be about crying your eyes out and being incapacitated. You may not be rolling on the floor calling out for Jesus, but it doesn't mean that you aren't in your own way feeling and remembering your pain. I think you need to stop relating your process to your feelings for him. He does not matter anymore. You moving forward the way you are has no significance to what you felt for him. That is in the past. What's relevant is how you feel about yourself. Thank you for your reply Zahara! I was so confused and scared. I didnt want this to come and bite me in the a** later in life. I actually have started thinking about him lesser and lesser as compared to earlier. You are right in saying he doesn't matter anymore, he was past. I love that line!
Zahara Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Thank you for your reply Zahara! I was so confused and scared. I didnt want this to come and bite me in the a** later in life. I actually have started thinking about him lesser and lesser as compared to earlier. You are right in saying he doesn't matter anymore, he was past. I love that line! You're welcome hun. You read here often that sometimes people will have a setback -- sometimes months later, sometimes a year later -- all the while feeling that they are moving on and living life but then suddenly it comes back to hit them. It does happen. It's happened to me. It's normal because most times, it never really goes away. One ex, I haven't seen in four years but just found out he is engaged and I was somewhat sad for a day. There's no intense pain or feelings but just a melancholy and then it's gone. You're doing great. I'm so proud that you're distracting yourself and making the effort to do whatever you can to move on from this. Whatever it is that comes to bite you in the a** (whether it happens or not) will not debilitate you nor will it set you so far back that you're feeling like you are back to square one. It'll be a little bump in the road and you'll soon get up and keep moving forward. Don't be afraid of what's ahead of you. Don't anticipate or worry about what's to come. Just focus on the NOW, the here and the present. Worrying about how you're going to feel a month from now doesn't do anything for you but cause anxiety and stress. If today you feel on top of the world, embrace it. Yes, he is the past. The present and the future is all about you. He doesn't get rent free space in your head anymore. 1
Saurren Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 You are certainly doing it wrong to start off with. Can't you at least get rid or stop talking to the people who keeps updating you about your ex. These aren't friends and they just want a good laugh at your situation. Just too many things that can hurt you at the moment. 1
redbaron005 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 There is just one thing that I am scared of..The way I have been reacting since the time I got to know..I am scared does it mean I wasnt really in love with him? Its not like I dont miss him, trust me I do. I have never gone this long not talking to him ever before but suddenly its okay now, its manageable. It doesnt mean I didnt love him right? Bubblesbursted, what do you define as love? You may just be suppressing your feelings to help yourself get over the loss/deal with the grief. Are you scared that you did not love him or are you really scared that you are not capable of loving someone? If it is the later, you have nothing to fear because you are clearly on the path to loving yourself. Keep your head (and hair) up. 1
Author bubblesbursted Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 You're welcome hun. You read here often that sometimes people will have a setback -- sometimes months later, sometimes a year later -- all the while feeling that they are moving on and living life but then suddenly it comes back to hit them. It does happen. It's happened to me. It's normal because most times, it never really goes away. One ex, I haven't seen in four years but just found out he is engaged and I was somewhat sad for a day. There's no intense pain or feelings but just a melancholy and then it's gone. You're doing great. I'm so proud that you're distracting yourself and making the effort to do whatever you can to move on from this. Whatever it is that comes to bite you in the a** (whether it happens or not) will not debilitate you nor will it set you so far back that you're feeling like you are back to square one. It'll be a little bump in the road and you'll soon get up and keep moving forward. Don't be afraid of what's ahead of you. Don't anticipate or worry about what's to come. Just focus on the NOW, the here and the present. Worrying about how you're going to feel a month from now doesn't do anything for you but cause anxiety and stress. If today you feel on top of the world, embrace it. Yes, he is the past. The present and the future is all about you. He doesn't get rent free space in your head anymore. Thank for for the support Zahara! I really look forward to your advices. And you are right, I am thinking too much about what will happen in a few months or an year rather than appreciating myself now. He is past and I shouldnt give him free accomodation in my head anymore You are certainly doing it wrong to start off with. Can't you at least get rid or stop talking to the people who keeps updating you about your ex. These aren't friends and they just want a good laugh at your situation. Just too many things that can hurt you at the moment. I have done that after everyone asked me to stop talking to mutual friends about him. Yea it did hurt when they kept updatig me about him but i have told them to stop now Bubblesbursted, what do you define as love? You may just be suppressing your feelings to help yourself get over the loss/deal with the grief. Are you scared that you did not love him or are you really scared that you are not capable of loving someone? If it is the later, you have nothing to fear because you are clearly on the path to loving yourself. Keep your head (and hair) up. Actually Redbaron, I am scared of both the things. I mean, I really think i did love him but i dont know anymore. And I wasnt a kind of person who would love myself (when i was in a relationship). But i feel the change.!
redbaron005 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Actually Redbaron, I am scared of both the things. I mean, I really think i did love him but i dont know anymore. And I wasnt a kind of person who would love myself (when i was in a relationship). But i feel the change.! Am positive that you have nothing to be scared of. "Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." Just wanted you to know, and hope you don't mind, I've been following your story and its been giving me strength. 1
Author bubblesbursted Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Am positive that you have nothing to be scared of. "Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." Just wanted you to know, and hope you don't mind, I've been following your story and its been giving me strength. Thank you redbaron for those inspiring lines! And of course for helping me out. I dont mind at all. I didnt know my story could give anyone strength but I am glad it is helping you somehow
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