Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Hi all, I have been dating a widow for a year now. She is a lovely person and we are great together. She has a big family, lots of sisters and has a bunch of kids, all girls. She is a very open and inclusive person. Trouble is that i am an only child, and just not used to lots of other people. The main problem is that she started telling me of her past. In her teens she had lots of boyfriends then met her husband aged 20. She told me she used to like to date bad boys, and often had multiple relationships, two or four at a time. This did upset me quite alot because i found it quite shocking, i would never have expected that of her. She feels that what she did was normal, she says she wasn't a slut because she never did it on the first date. She was faithful to her husband and has had five lovers since he passed away five years ago. She told me she has had 24 lovers, which must mean about 18 as a teen. Being inclusive she included all of them in her family, something which doesnt make me feel great. I feel like i am just the latest on some kind of conveyor belt. Though she says she loves me and will do anything for me i cant stop thinking about this issue. Ideas?
BradJacobs Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Ideas? Build a time machine. Meet her in her teens and then you won't be so far down the converyor belt. Or, as a more practical option, decide whether or not you can deal with this without taking out your insecurities on her. If you can't then move on. 10
Cakess Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 the past was the past. If you really care about this woman and want to see a future with her, then you are going to have to get past this. But if you feel like her past is a direct conflict to your own morals or beliefs, then a equal, respectful relationship could never work.
soccerrprp Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Hi all, I have been dating a widow for a year now. After a year!!!??? Did you just find these things out? Or have you been marinating over these details? She is a lovely person and we are great together. She has a big family, lots of sisters and has a bunch of kids, all girls. She is a very open and inclusive person. Trouble is that i am an only child, and just not used to lots of other people. The main problem is that she started telling me of her past. In her teens she had lots of boyfriends then met her husband aged 20. So, she just started telling you of her past. After a year of dating? She told me she used to like to date bad boys, and often had multiple relationships, two or four at a time. This did upset me quite alot because i found it quite shocking, i would never have expected that of her. She feels that what she did was normal, she says she wasn't a slut because she never did it on the first date. She was faithful to her husband and has had five lovers since he passed away five years ago. This is a good sign. She is wanting a stable, LTR, no? She told me she has had 24 lovers, which must mean about 18 as a teen. Being inclusive she included all of them in her family, something which doesnt make me feel great. Ugh. This would be disturbing. I wonder if she wasn't the one who was used and then tossed away over the years. Except for her marriage, she has had little success in her relationships. I feel like i am just the latest on some kind of conveyor belt. Though she says she loves me and will do anything for me i cant stop thinking about this issue. Ideas? Look at my comments/questions within the quote. But also, after a year, have you had ANY reason to believe that she is not committed to you? After a year, man! With only you! Your opinion of her has changed, I get it. But what is strikingly different about your situation is that you've been with her for a year. It is during THIS YEAR that you should gauge whether she is worthy of your time or not, NOT what happened years ago. If you were just dating and found out, I would say, yikes, you better be careful and probably dissuade you from dating her, but you've known her for a year. Will you punish her for her past? So long ago?
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Build a time machine. Meet her in her teens and then you won't be so far down the converyor belt. Or, as a more practical option, decide whether or not you can deal with this without taking out your insecurities on her. If you can't then move on. I was actually going to advise something similar. You cannot change a person, either now, or particularly in their past. it is what it is. How would you feel if she climbed up to her moral high-ground and was critical of your past for being inexperienced, naive, not as worldly-wise as she would prefer, a bit of a wet blanket, prudish and frankly, possibly boring? That wouldn't be a very fair judgement or criticism, would it? 2
Author Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Look at my comments/questions within the quote. But also, after a year, have you had ANY reason to believe that she is not committed to you? After a year, man! With only you! Your opinion of her has changed, I get it. But what is strikingly different about your situation is that you've been with her for a year. It is during THIS YEAR that you should gauge whether she is worthy of your time or not, NOT what happened years ago. If you were just dating and found out, I would say, yikes, you better be careful and probably dissuade you from dating her, but you've known her for a year. Will you punish her for her past? So long ago? She first started mentioning it after we were together 6 months. She seemed quite proud of her past which is disturbing. Mind you she also like to hear of mine, something i dont usually talk about. I did ask her to stop, which she did, but yes it still plays on my mind. I have not doubt she is committed to me, but it doesnt stop me feeling bad about her ex lovers.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I have not doubt she is committed to me, but it doesnt stop me feeling bad about her ex lovers. More detail. What exactly do you mean by 'feeling bad about her ex-lovers'....? Is this a reflection on them - or on her? Why?
Author Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 More detail. What exactly do you mean by 'feeling bad about her ex-lovers'....? Is this a reflection on them - or on her? Why? Usually it doesnt bother me, but i love this woman and i hate the thought of her having been so intimate with so many guys. The fact she has introduced them to her family also hurts. I am much more reserved i have only introduced two girls to my family, one is my ex wife and one is her.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 So basically, you think she was a woman of loose morals, and her past behaviour doesn't fit with your present standards. But there isn't anything you can do to change that. You've known her a while. Does what she did interfere with who she is to you now? 1
soccerrprp Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 She first started mentioning it after we were together 6 months. She seemed quite proud of her past which is disturbing. Mind you she also like to hear of mine, something i dont usually talk about. I did ask her to stop, which she did, but yes it still plays on my mind. I have not doubt she is committed to me, but it doesnt stop me feeling bad about her ex lovers. So, after 6-months you stayed. If she's so great and committed, why risk losing her b/c of her past? If you really "love" her, you've got to try to move on and beyond her past. She isn't leaving or thinking about leaving you b/c of yours, right? We all have pasts. We may all have something in our past that we are not proud of, but as long as these things are of the past and do not affect us in the now and beyond, we should try to leave them IN THE PAST. Her commitment to you shows this. You have the new, improved version of her. The person that is right for you today and tomorrow. Think about this. Dude, I have been where you are now. Don't let the past ruin what could be an incredible, satisfying LTR. 1
BradJacobs Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 i hate the thought of her having been so intimate with so many guys. Perhaps you just need to change how you associate her past? Maybe her experiences taught her to be the kind of woman that you love? Without those experiences you very well may not even like this person let alone love her. I went through a phase like this with my ex-wife. We had this stupid discussion that she brought on about the number of our previous partners and hers was three times as large as my own. That was a huge hit to my ego. Time is the only thing that made me get over it as I realized our pasts mattered very little as it concerned our future together. I wish the internet would have been as big then as it is now so I could have found some answers but I got through it all the same. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 How old are you two now? You said she's a widow who met her husband when she was 20. If she was faithful to him while they were married, focus on that not the fact that she may have sown some wild oats as a young woman. If you can't do that, break up with her. Slut shaming her over what she did years ago is mean. 4
Author Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Perhaps you just need to change how you associate her past? Maybe her experiences taught her to be the kind of woman that you love? Without those experiences you very well may not even like this person let alone love her. I went through a phase like this with my ex-wife. We had this stupid discussion that she brought on about the number of our previous partners and hers was three times as large as my own. That was a huge hit to my ego. Time is the only thing that made me get over it as I realized our pasts mattered very little as it concerned our future together. I wish the internet would have been as big then as it is now so I could have found some answers but I got through it all the same. Brilliant reply, thanks.
Author Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 How old are you two now? You said she's a widow who met her husband when she was 20. If she was faithful to him while they were married, focus on that not the fact that she may have sown some wild oats as a young woman. If you can't do that, break up with her. Slut shaming her over what she did years ago is mean. I am 50 and she is 49, the irony and probably the most unfair thing is that i wasn't faithful in my marriage...
soccerrprp Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I am 50 and she is 49, the irony and probably the most unfair thing is that i wasn't faithful in my marriage... Enough said, Dogberry. In many people's eyes, you'd be no good piece of sh*t for being the cheating b*st*rd you were.....okay, sorry just adding emphasis, not really thinking that of you. Imagine if people simply wrote you off for your past indiscretions? Fair? 3
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I am 50 and she is 49, the irony and probably the most unfair thing is that i wasn't faithful in my marriage... You realize how unfair you are being? I'd forgive a kid (18-20 years old) for trying to figure out her own sexuality & then staying faithful in her marriage before I'd ever give a true cheater a chance. In my book you cheat on your BF/GF isn't half as bad as breaking your marriage vows. I suggest you remember you live in a glass house before you keep throwing stones 5
FitChick Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Cheaters always suspect others are as underhanded. 4
CarrieT Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Perhaps you just need to change how you associate her past? Maybe her experiences taught her to be the kind of woman that you love? Without those experiences you very well may not even like this person let alone love her. ^^ THIS, THIS, THIS ^^ Dogberry, I am going to be 50 this year and just got re-married after 25 years of being single after a bad divorce. My marriage was very rocky and involved lots of promiscuous sex (an ostensibly Open Marriage). When it failed - from my 25th through 47th year - I had a handful of long-term, monogamous relationships. In between those relationships, I slept around a LOT. While I am sometimes ashamed at my vast number of sexual partners, I am not ashamed of my past because it has made me who I am today. My new husband knows about my past and is confident in my love and fidelity towards him. While I have a promiscuous past, it does not diminish my desire to only have this one man for the rest of my life. My new husband loves the woman he married. Would he love me as much if I had only had one or two lovers in my past? Who knows - but I definitely know that what he found attractive and desirable in me is a combination of all those experiences which involved that sordid existence. 5
Phantom888 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I am 50 and she is 49, the irony and probably the most unfair thing is that i wasn't faithful in my marriage... Ok...so she was widowed when she was 44. Had 5 lovers since before meeting you. But during the age of 20 - 44, she has only had 1 lover. So you are hung up over her 18 partners from A QUARTER CENTURY ago, right? I can relate to Retroactive Jealousy. I can empathize with your feelings. You need to go to therapy to unravel this. It does get easier over time. I know it makes you uncomfortable that those guys from her teen years are still around, but think about it, they are probably all family guys now with their own lives. There is no threat at all. Here is my situation. Around 9 months ago I met the love of my life. We are both the same age (39). We both have kids from our previous marriage. She met her husband when she was 16, and was with him till she was 35. Been faithful the whole time. Before that, she had 3 boyfriends in high school. I was not jealous over any of those past relationships. But then she told me she has had 8 sexual partners since her divorce (1 non-committal BF/FWB, 3 exclusive, 2 very short, and 2 one-time occurrences where they didn't click). I had a hard time processing her dating practices, but eventually we talked about it, and she gave me a better understanding. She was in a non-sexual marriage for a long time, and she wanted to find someone who clicked with her. Same as me. She's only human, and seeks intimacy and comfort just like everyone else. But she didn't have much luck with those other men because they were mostly older and life-long bachelors who couldn't change their ways. When she met me, she fell deeply in love with me after a few weeks, and we have been inseparable since. She expressed to me that this is the first time she has ever experienced true unconditional love, and our sex is better than her wildest fantasies. I feel the same way about her. So we will be getting married soon. All this time I have been going to therapy to fix my retro jealousy issues. It's not her problem. It's mine. Yes I don't like the fact that she had some many sexual partners before me, but without such experiences, she wouldn't be able to know for sure that I am the best for her. Experience matters. She has no doubt in her mind that I love her and can satisfy her in bed. Without reference experience, there is no way should could know for sure. A lot of young people fall in love and get into deep relationships without being able to compare what they have with what is out there. Those relationships often fail because they don't know what they are missing. So consider yourself lucky that your woman has enough experience to know that you are the one for her. The people in her past are just shadows, and they pose no threat to you now. 1
central Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 She's a good person who had multiple relationships in her teens. You cheated on your wife as an adult. I don't think you deserve her. And, does she know you cheated? It is probably important for her to know this.
pteromom Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Here's my take away. You were unfaithful in your marriage. So deep inside, you are scared your GF is like you are... that she's gonna cheat on you. That it is unsafe to be vulnerable in the relationship. Focusing on her past lovers has given you a convenient wall to keep yourself from having to be vulnerable. If you can judge her for her past and focus on her past choices, you can stay emotionally distant and don't have to risk your heart. 2
melodymatters Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 right... a girl that dated badboys never cheated on a faithful husband bull****... . And there you go : A GIRL who dated bad boys. Christ, at 16 I liked the spiky haired punk rock drummer too, that HARDLY makes me a less faithful 40 something wife. The comparison is absurd. OP. I still struggle with retroactive jealousy, probably always will, but I look at this divine man who chose to jump into my life wholeheartedly and give me 100% and ask if I really want to hurt him or what we have over some piece of trash he f8cked as a teenager ? Not only would it be dumb, and cruel, SHE would win and my beloved and I wouldn't be in each others arms right now. NO WAY ! 2
jaycee1 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Exactly Phantom. I am 38 and I would rather someone with a past (not baggage). If they are with you and love you then you know they really do. If they are inexperienced it is so much easier to settle for what won't make you happy long term. As we get older our definition of love and compatibility many times changes, it is the experience that gives us a understanding of ourselves.
Author Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 She's a good person who had multiple relationships in her teens. You cheated on your wife as an adult. I don't think you deserve her. And, does she know you cheated? It is probably important for her to know this. Yes she knows.
Author Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 I know i am being irrational and unfair, but feelings arent rational are they? I told her about my affairs when i was married, i have never excused them, i know they were wrong. My ex wife gave up on sex and we lived separately. I realize now that i should have just left, but i held on for the sake of my daughter. She also cheated on boyfriends, she had four at a time in her teens, she sees nothing wrong with that. Maybe i should have added that What i would really like to know, is why the hell am i jealous? Beats the hell out of me, yet I still fell that way, and judging by posts i see on the internet, i am not alone.
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