Don't shoot the AP, we hurt too.

[daretotrustlove]

The short version of pain. I was the OW. We were together for 3 1/2 yrs. We actually fell in love. The real kind, not the fantasy kind. We loved each other, we dealt with everyday issue's. We supported each other when it came to work, kids, everyday life. After 3 1/2 yrs. He ended. Let the pain begin !!!!!. During the year apart, he would message here and there. I would reply very shortly. The love was real. Our lives were real.

 

Fast forward a year, he started logging on to a forum that I'm a member of. Started out maybe once a month, and then got down to every day. I thought something was wrong with him. Maybe he was sick or had, had a heart attack. On my way to work I stopped and called him. I explained that I just needed to see if he was ok, I didn't want to start anything. I did and do love him so much. The hurt and anger of what he did was unbearable. As much as we don't think we will survive. We do.

 

He explained that he was just looking for support, that he was physically sound, but emotionally he was broken. How he had missed me so much, he loved me so much, and wanted me in his life. I know the feeling well of being broken. He asked if we could talk from time to time. As much as I still loved him. I agreed that we could talk, but not see each other. From then on, he texted like a 10 year old with his first crush. It took 3 weeks and he was asking to get together, to talk. I finally agreed. We met up a few days later, and talked. I explained that even though he broke my heart, I loved him, wanted a life with him, and if that wasn't what he wanted that we were going to stop everything and walk away. He agreed he wanted a life together too. So for the next 9 mnths, we became even closer than before. Talking, really communicating with each other. Come to find out, the W, knew all along and never said anything. ?????shock???? Really...!!!! Yep.!!!!!!

 

Fast forward 9, we decided that we were going to be together. We make plans and he goes home to tell his W, that he was leaving. He starts talking with her and then all of the sudden, he is not wanting to leave. What !!!???

 

There is alot more to the story, alot of struggles, alot of hurt, but also alot of love, support, understanding. I guess what I'm asking is how does a mm take a ow that far and then just put them in the trash. That's how I feel. Like trash. The hurt is so bad. Its paralizing at times. How do you do this to someone. I know, I know, I wanted him to deal with his M, and then D and then we would see where it took us. How do you build someones hopes up, and then just disappear on them. The AP does get hurt, we listen to the same lies, we believe the stories. We fall in love too.

[katielee]

sounds like a real winner of a man. You should say good-bye and good riddance. He's playing you AND his wife.

Real love is something you can shout about publicly. You were in the background, his hidden secret. That's not love.

[BHsigh]

If you were lied to and believed that he was single, then I truly feel sorry for you, and you would have my sympathy for being lied to by the WS.

 

Other than that, you knew what you were getting in to, while the BS didn't, so you deserve no sympathy from any BS. You knowingly took part in an A that you knew would destroy someone.

[Ap22]

The AP does get hurt, we listen to the same lies, we believe the stories. We fall in love too.

 

When you play with fire, you eventually get burned. Sorry, but i doubt you will find much sympathy. You went after a married man, I cant feel sorry for you.

 

Now, if you somehow didnt know he was married, then thats different. 2 people actively destroying someones life and family for no other reason than selfishness deserve everything karma decides to throw at them.

 

Also, you ask how a MM takes OW that far and throws them away in the trash? I ask why does a woman go after a married man in the first place. What are you looking for? If you are looking for honesty, integrity, and a good man you went to the wrong place. Thats like me going to a whore house looking for a good, church going virgin to marry.

Edited February 5, 2014 by Ap22

[SoleMate]

Very sorry for your pain. Your story is a familiar one. It's the main reason I spend time on LS warning people not to become AP in the first place. It's 98% certain to end painfully...far more so than a regular breakup of a non-A r/s. Please go and stay NC. This cheating MM is quite likely to come slithering back at some point.

[VeronicaRoss]

Emotions are very real, and your pain is too of course. Actions though demonstrate what we truly value. Everyone feels the same emotions and virtually every adult has fallen in love with someone who isn't available for some reason but forced themselves to stay away and work through the pain. It's very hard emotional work.

 

That is one reason why there isn't a lot of sympathy. The rest of us know what the impulse is like, we didn't follow through and dealt with the pain because we value other things more. Like long-term peace of mind, a full bank account, social status, a happy life, a life out of jail if the emotion is 'I want to kill him'!

 

Married people who want to keep their marriage and fun on the side will often work to convince you they're victims and hint understanding and loving you is going to save them. From the beginning to the end. They believe it's someone else's job to do what they should be doing for themselves, that's not a great partner by any means.

 

The guy showed you through his actions what was more important to him all along, his marriage always has been for whatever reason. If you weren't ok with him staying married and kept the affair going while he was, you were harming yourself. And the inevitable consequence of harming yourself is even more pain. Sure his pain is real, but so is his ability to change his life. He values what he has more than what he wants, and his pain is the cost. You should probably focus on that. He's made a choice and it isn't you alone.

 

This is a great opportunity because pain is a strong motivator. Please go to a therapist and talk with them about how you can learn to care for yourself better, and make more loving and beneficial decisions.

[Sub]

The short version of pain. I was the OW. We were together for 3 1/2 yrs. We actually fell in love. The real kind, not the fantasy kind. We loved each other, we dealt with everyday issue's. We supported each other when it came to work, kids, everyday life. After 3 1/2 yrs. He ended. Let the pain begin !!!!!. During the year apart, he would message here and there. I would reply very shortly. The love was real. Our lives were real.

 

I don't know. How is it so real if he's married to someone else? I can understand if he was separated and the two of you were spending the amount of time together that a more traditional couple would spend. IMO, though, you can't really deal with all that life throws at you as a couple if you're just his OW. You may want that to be the case, but I can't see how.

 

 

Come to find out, the W, knew all along and never said anything. ?????shock???? Really...!!!! Yep.!!!!!!

 

Fast forward 9, we decided that we were going to be together. We make plans and he goes home to tell his W, that he was leaving. He starts talking with her and then all of the sudden, he is not wanting to leave. What !!!???

 

It sounds like he was expecting more of a struggle. Maybe he gets off on the drama. When she didn't put up much of a fight, and appeared not to care what he did, the thrill of the A with you was gone. He saw her as the challenge now, not you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I believe the biggest heartache is the heartache of letting ourselves down.

 

You had a gameplan, you knew what you wanted, how it should look like then you let him convince you to do his way, on his timeline, what he needed.

 

That is the single most important issue, that you didn't have your own back, when you knew better. We have no else to blame when we are willingly led down the garden path.

 

Start focusing on yourself. What areas of you, do you need to shore up? Your goal now, should be to come out wiser and stronger. To be able to spot these situations a mile out, and take measures to avoid them.

[msoptimistic]

Dare...

I have a post on the OM/OW board where I have told my story that is very similar to parts of yours...we were together for 19 months when it ended abruptly and he chose a life with his W...yes, the AP definitely hurts and I've said many times before that knowing you were in the wrong only makes the hurt worse...I also felt like trash tossed aside and then even trampled on and still do...this is Day 1 for me on the journey of moving past the A and this is the worst experience I have ever dealt with...maybe women are more vulnerable to the stories the MM feed us or maybe the MM have been around enough to know exactly what to say to win our hearts and sympathy...don't know about you but I began to see myself as his lifeline when he made remarks like..please don't go anywhere...or you're the best part of my life...or I only smile when I'm with you...we just seem to fall for those things even if we think rationally in every other aspect of our lives...no idea how to get over being made to feel this way except to keep telling myself it was actually his problem and not mine, but that is very little consolation...hope things get better for you and I hope we come out on the other side a lot stronger and alot happier???

[ComingInHot]

Question, how do you KNOW His Wife Knew of the A?!

[thummper]

Seaviews, I notice that you never posted a thread about your own personal situation. Were you able to reconcile with your wife, or have you two divorced so she could be with the OM? I'm so sorry you ever had to go through that nonsense! Did you have children in your family? Infidelity hurts so many people, many of them totally innocent!

[thummper]

Dare, you never said whether or not you were married. I'm guessing you're not. I'm certainly hoping the answer is "not." Doesn't it bother you at all that you and the OM and your combined selfishness have destroyed another woman's life and family? How sad for her!

[peaksandvalleys]

OP you are not the OW in my situation so I don't know but I do feel like shooting the OW in my situation as well as the person that I was married to. So for me shooting is a fantasy but everything else I could do legally, I did.

[xAkulax]

Sorry but this is what happens when your in a relationship built on lies, deception, and a lack of empathy of other people and the pain your action inflict.

 

 

You need spend time on yourself and heal that's all you can do.

[rumbleseat]

As you are a fellow human being, I am sorry you are hurting. I don't like to see someone hurting, no matter the reason.

 

As for looking for sympathy from bs's , why are you doing so?

 

To be quite frank, you helped to hurt this man's bs,someone you didn't know and who had done nothing to you. You made a long, protracted series of choices that you knew would result in, at best, someone being very hurt for a long time, and at worst, could have very serious physical consequences, yet you chose to go ahead anyway.

 

You are not a child, and you don't sound like a fool. You did this to yourself by making the choice to get involved, and continuing to stay involved, with a mm. At any time during the A, you could have waled away, yet you chose not to. No matter what lies he told you, you had the one piece of knowledge that you needed to make your decision. He is M and has a W and family.

 

As long as you continue to solely blame him for you pain, you will be stuck in a bad place, as you will feel like you have no recourse. Once you start accepting your role, and take responsibility for your pain, you can begin to move forward to a new and better life without him. Don't continue to give him control over your heart and mind, take it back.

[BHsigh]

She is not 'fun on the side' she was real love but he could not cope with the realisation that maybe he would lose his family. it does not make his love for her 'fun' it makes it an unbelievable tug of love between losing his children or her. Well if he had anything about him it would be his kids, but not for ever. who wins? no one. A miserable shell of a man still sticking with his routine.... never being fulfilled. And a family who do not know what is wrong with him.

 

|OP you are in a place where people do not understand you as they are dealing with their own pain, you need to move to OW

 

While I can admit that I don't understand what she's going through, I do know that I would never put myself in that situation. And I'm sure the pain is real to her, and I don't like seeing anyone in pain. But the AP still gets no sympathy at all, they willingly put themselves in this situation and purposefully commit actions that any adult knows will more than likely cause another person tremendous pain, and possibly break up a family as well.

 

But when you look at the fact that the divorce rate in our country is what, roughly 50% or so, plus the courts are finally being more fair to men that are divorcing, the "losing your children" excuse is laughable really. There are plenty of men that divorce their wives and remain a good father, and still keep the respect of their family.

 

Do you know the men that really lose their family's respect, particularly their kids respect? It's fathers like mine, the fathers that have an affair and destroy their family. Forcing their children to grow up wondering why their parents hate each other, or why their mother's been crying so much since their dad has left. Or maybe the pain is too much for the mom to deal with and she has her kids live with their grandparents, then the kids later find out that the entire reason that this happened is because their father had an affair, and they think back and everything clicks. Why mom hated their father so much, and yet still never said a bad word about him, but you can still remember the pain in her eyes every time she looked at you, because you look like your father. Then further more, they realize that their fathers AP was the woman that he remarried, the woman that tried to take a part in the kids life after first destroying it.

 

That is how a man loses his children, not by divorcing his wife, but by utterly destroying their family. So no, I will never, ever sympathize with an AP, it's hard enough understanding and feeling sympathy for a WS, other than the fact that I see so many of them on here that are shameful and repentant. Very few AP's that I have seem on here are repentant, most of them sound like OP, they act and sound like they were the ones wronged, they tend to act entitled.

 

Do you want sympathy from a BS? Start to own the pain that you took part in causing, instead of acting like another BS in the affair that you took part in.

[VeronicaRoss]

She is not 'fun on the side' she was real love but he could not cope with the realisation that maybe he would lose his family. it does not make his love for her 'fun' it makes it an unbelievable tug of love between losing his children or her. Well if he had anything about him it would be his kids, but not for ever. who wins? no one. A miserable shell of a man still sticking with his routine.... never being fulfilled. And a family who do not know what is wrong with him.

 

|OP you are in a place where people do not understand you as they are dealing with their own pain, you need to move to OW

 

He's a man in complete control of his life, and this is how he is choosing to use it.

 

Romantic love is chemically more strong than almost any pain killer you could be prescribed. It is literally addictive.

 

Russell Brand wrote a great article on heroin addiction following the death of Amy Winehouse and Phillip Hoffman describing what it is like to crave what you know will hurt you if not kill you and everyone around you. The feeling is worth everything. Knowing he'd probably lose everything, he still misses it desperately. It would be good for you and the OP to read. It will sound very familiar.

 

I didn't dismiss the reality of their feelings or anyone else's.

[ComingInHot]

Loving123, I'm certain that what you wrote is what the OP wants/needs to Believe. It may be for you too*

Thing is... With all the lying, excusing, hiding, dishonor able behavior that often times must go hand in hand in an A, the WS is quite adept at allowing you to Only hear and see what he/she wants you too.

Best to take the words of a known Liar and cheat with a grain of salt.

[daretotrustlove]

Thank you for your time in responding to my post.

[waterwoman]

Hi,

 

many of us do feel your pain and sympathize. I do. Problem is we tend to focus on our own pain because sometimes it's hard to get over. In fact I posted about my H's OW recently - now I am recovering it's easier to understand her and what she went through.

 

I want you to read this paraphrase of one of your sentences:

 

"I guess what I'm asking is how does a mm take a wife that far and then just put them in the trash. That's how I feel. Like trash."

 

Because even if the man stays with his wife, renounces his affair and his AP, the hurt has been caused to the wife and it takes a long time to beleive that the man is being honest with her and with himself.

 

I have forgiven my H but I struggle to forgive the man that H was when he had the affair. I knew the OW too and I want to reach a point where I could forgive her (not that she'd care) and I guess I have reached it 20 months after dday. That was with a man who didn't trickle-truth or gaslight, who told me he wanted to stay, gave up OW immediately and did almost everything I needed him to do. And with an OW who only tried to resume contact with H once and didn't do any of the nasties to us that other reconciling couples have experienced. And it still took 20 months.

 

Try to be understanding. Try to see things from her perspective. There is more than enough pain to go round.

 

Here's wishing you strength and hope for a better future xx

[ladydesigner]

While I can admit that I don't understand what she's going through, I do know that I would never put myself in that situation. And I'm sure the pain is real to her, and I don't like seeing anyone in pain. But the AP still gets no sympathy at all, they willingly put themselves in this situation and purposefully commit actions that any adult knows will more than likely cause another person tremendous pain, and possibly break up a family as well.

 

But when you look at the fact that the divorce rate in our country is what, roughly 50% or so, plus the courts are finally being more fair to men that are divorcing, the "losing your children" excuse is laughable really. There are plenty of men that divorce their wives and remain a good father, and still keep the respect of their family.

 

Do you know the men that really lose their family's respect, particularly their kids respect? It's fathers like mine, the fathers that have an affair and destroy their family. Forcing their children to grow up wondering why their parents hate each other, or why their mother's been crying so much since their dad has left. Or maybe the pain is too much for the mom to deal with and she has her kids live with their grandparents, then the kids later find out that the entire reason that this happened is because their father had an affair, and they think back and everything clicks. Why mom hated their father so much, and yet still never said a bad word about him, but you can still remember the pain in her eyes every time she looked at you, because you look like your father. Then further more, they realize that their fathers AP was the woman that he remarried, the woman that tried to take a part in the kids life after first destroying it.

 

That is how a man loses his children, not by divorcing his wife, but by utterly destroying their family. So no, I will never, ever sympathize with an AP, it's hard enough understanding and feeling sympathy for a WS, other than the fact that I see so many of them on here that are shameful and repentant. Very few AP's that I have seem on here are repentant, most of them sound like OP, they act and sound like they were the ones wronged, they tend to act entitled.

 

Do you want sympathy from a BS? Start to own the pain that you took part in causing, instead of acting like another BS in the affair that you took part in.

 

Great Post! i identified with much of it because I am a BS and a mother who attempted suicide after my WH's A with MOW. My kids saw a horrific fallout one they will never forget :-(

[ComingInHot]

Loving123, exactly!! That's why it took Soooo long for me to get past his A and exOW's shenanigans post A. I had to see ACTIONS not just words .

[ladydesigner]

Thanks to you too eh???

 

I'm not sure if this is a jab at me

[ThatMan]

I sincerely hope that you heal and move on. You've described the relationship as being wonderful. I'm here to tell you that you can enjoy other wonderful relationships - relationships in which a man is proud to have you in his life. You shouldn't ever need to settle for second place or a secret that a man is ashamed to publicly admit to.

 

I think therapy is helpful to anyone who is going through a breakup. Grieving your loss takes time and please invest into doing what's right for you - whatever you feel, let it happen. But do not try to judge your emotions. Why do you need to justify to yourself or anyone else that this wasn't a fantasy? I'm sure that your feelings are just as genuine no matter what connotation you attach to it. It'll take time to mourn, grieve, and then do good things for yourself again.

 

You don't need to earn sympathy to achieve exactly that. Whether or not anyone else is willing to overlook the pain that you've inflicted on another person shouldn't have to change that.

[BHsigh]

Thanks to you too eh???

 

Hmm, I would have actually said that it's thanks to the WS and the AP, they were the ones that caused so much pain in the first place. Ladydesigner had no choice in this, it was all actions taken by the WS and AP that caused her pain.

 

You sound like you've been hurt loving123, I feel sorry for you that you're going through this and that you believed MM's lies, you do have my pity. But remember, you willingly took part in an affair, your MM's BS didn't. He may be responsible for your pain, but you and him are responsible for his BS's pain.

 

I would never argue that what you felt wasn't real, or that you believe that the relationship was real, I don't think that anyone is saying that. But to the WS it was just feeling a hole, looking for validation possibly even just "fun on the side", I really couldn't say. But it wasn't real to them no matter how much they said that it was, if it was real, then they would still be with you.

 

I hope that you feel better and that you can accept any guilt that you may feel, that you learn to feel guilty for your actions and I hope that your pain goes away. I hope that you grow to realize your part in the affair, and the pain that it caused to someone else and that you can learn and grow from this, and never put yourself in such a sad situation again.