on_a_break Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Firstly thank you for reading. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years 4 months. We're in our mid to late 20s, and have been living together for 1 1/2 years. The apartment is in my name. When we first met it was like everything fell into place. Amazingly happy for a long time. We had silly drunken fights, but worked through things. Since we've been living together, the first few months were great. Recently, maybe over the past year it's been deteriorating. I guess getting complacent. E.g. we just play on our computers instead of talking. I've been getting unhappy with the situation and doing dumb things like acting immature and picking fights. When we do talk properly though, it's great. I love being with him. As a way to cope with being unhappy, I've begun drinking too much. I realized a short while ago that I was drinking a lot, but it didn't hit home until now. When I drink, I turn into an all round terrible person. On Saturday we had a big fight as a result of a stupid misunderstanding because I was drunk. Anyway, we chatted/fought/yelled for a few hours, but he ended up leaving in the early morning, saying it was over. He's left before, but come back the next day after I've called, and we've worked it out. In recent weeks we've been working at it and it's been getting better. The reason neither of us have given up is because we love each other. On Sunday morning I called him and we chatted for 45 min. I outlined the issues that I am going to address (no drinking, treat him better, among others), and these are things that I'm going to stick to regardless - and I have done the things I can. He didn't want to come home, and I respect that, so we agreed to talk in a few days. I specifically said I would call him. Looking back, I think previously I would have begged and demanded to see him, and it would have worked. I haven't contacted him in any way since then though. Both during the fight and on the phone he told me he loved me. He had said during the fight that it was over because he refused to let me talk to him like that again, and I had, so that was it. So, to me, it was out of the blue. Since Sunday, I've found out he is staying in a motel, and he is looking for other places to live (he doesn't know I know). However all his stuff is still at my place. I was planning to ask him tomorrow to meet up. I've been taking the time and space to work out if I want him back as well. I'm not sure - I think there'd need to be changes. But I do love him, and I think I would want to give it a go. I guess my question is: what advice can you give me? Does this sound like it's over? Any suggestions would be welcome.
RDawg Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 It doesn't sound good. Maybe try and see him this coming weekend. Go somewhere neutral where you can talk face to face so he can see that you are serious about making amends. Good luck.
Author on_a_break Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 It doesn't sound good. Maybe try and see him this coming weekend. Go somewhere neutral where you can talk face to face so he can see that you are serious about making amends. Good luck. Thanks for replying and the advice. Why do you think it doesn't sound good?
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 The problem with one partner saying "I'm going to change" is two-fold: One, it puts the change 'into the future', that is to say, it almost says 'look I know I need to change, and at some point I'm going to implement that, but first I have to figure it all out, to see what to do first.... ' Two, the partner wants evidence. It's all very well stating change is imminent - but they want proof. So I would suggest the following: First, make enquiries as to where your nearest AA meeting point is. Now, I'm not suggesting for one moment that you have an alcohol issue that is out of control. But recognising that you have begun to drink too much, and that it affects you in a bad way, is a definite step in positive progress. AA isn't for those people we picture, alone: blind rolling drunk, always with as bottle in their hand, destitute, alone, and perpetually reeking of whisky. That's a stereotype that actually doesn't fit at all. AA is for anyone who sees that alcohol affects them and not in a good way. So even just getting this info is a way of showing that you own your problem, and intend to deal with it. Secondly, ask to talk to him, but then - Listen to him. Let him express what he truly feels. Sometimes, we're so eager to prove ourselves worthy, we don't actually listen to what the 'job spec' is! In order to address whatever ails him, you have to know what it really is first. If there are certain points that puzzle you, ask him to clarify - don't try to interpret them from you PoV. Thirdly, point out to him that while you accept the fault of excessive drinking and the behaviour that follows, a relationship is a 50-50 thing, with both partners equally responsible for their side, 100%. So if changes need making, you fully acknowledge your part and what you see you need to change - but in order to build this relationship and make it work, it's important you both evaluate your own parts played....and address the changes which might need implementing. Agree to a break: But make it a definitive period, with an end-date, time and location. Agree to stay off contact until then, so that you can both decide what you both feel needs doing, changing or addressing. It's not so much a break, but thinking space. Don't make this period too long: 2 weeks absolute max. Decide whether counselling is appropriate. How is that for starters....?
Author on_a_break Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 That's amazing advice, thank you TaraMaiden. When do you think would be appropriate to ask him to meet? We haven't spoken in three days so far (doesn't sound like a lot when I write it down, feels like a lot though).
RDawg Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 That is indeed great advice from Tara, as always. One thing that bothers me is that he is looking for other places to stay.. (it also kinda bothers me that you know this.) That is why, as Tara suggests, you put a time limit on this break.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 That's amazing advice, thank you TaraMaiden. When do you think would be appropriate to ask him to meet? We haven't spoken in three days so far (doesn't sound like a lot when I write it down, feels like a lot though). Ask him. Come to an agreement. State that because everything is hanging in limbo, you both deserve to have a clear-cut picture of necessary action. Tell him that you realise he's needed to distance himself, and that's understandable. But if you're both to come away from this with a greater comprehension of what the relationship needs, then you need to discuss it. It may well mean personal sacrifice on both sides, but believe it or not, one of the greatest secrets to a successful relationship is to put the other person first. Note: You have to know what this really means in terms of being considerate, or being a doormat. there's a massive chasm-wide difference there. But it's a two-way thing. if he needs space, then however much that may hurt, you're in complete agreement in giving it to him. But at least, communicate.
Author on_a_break Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Thank so you much for your advice. I met up with him today and we talked. He's not moving back in but we're going to try to work on things and try to start over. Fingers crossed for a better future.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I hope you have a good resolution to this. let us know how it goes, if you want... Be well.
Recommended Posts