Is He Cheating Or Am I Nuts ?

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE

leaving him is not an option right now.............

 

1) I still love the jerk

 

2) I dont want to uproot my kids

 

3) $$$$$$$$$$$$ , I have nothing to fall back on

 

I still feel a VERY strong need to catch him red handed with his pants down........that WOULD give me the strength to throw his azzzz out.

 

The PI is also going to check and see if he has a PO box. I have to call him monday to see what he came up

 

with.

 

DesperateHousewife -

 

Please don't think I am being critical or judgemental or whatever. I am trying to understand and help, okay? With that said, can you please explain to me your statements above.

 

You say that leaving is not an option right now, because you don't have the money, yet you are paying a PI to get more dirt than you really need. Any info you get, your husband is going to dismiss or justify. Even if you don't believe him, he will stand by his story. The situation will be the same as it is now.

 

You say that you can't uproot the kids and don't have the money, yet it sounds to me like you would do it in an instant if you had "proof" from the PI. So, if the PI came with proof today, would you "uproot" the kids and would you find the money?

 

Just remember . . . you can love someone but not like the person they are or their behaviors. I will always love my ex, but I just can't live with him.

 

Lil Honey

[Leaf]

Rule #1 from on OWs perspective:

 

Never ever let stuff slide.

 

If you feel it in your gut, its probably true. All these MM/MW do is lie, they are experts at it. Before my MM got married (long story you can read it in the OW/OM area) his GF felt something was wrong and her and her best friend decided to spy on him. I caught what was happening and told him about it, he confronted her (big mess) and she lied, then felt horrible and confessed. She backed down after that... now a year and a half later and 5 months into her dream marriage, she found out about me after stumbling across his messages.

 

Guess what... he placated her AGAIN, and she backed down again. ...and he is still with me. He still is cheating on her.

[Guest]

he said i will look like the obssessed fool if i call her..........i told him if he would answer my questions i wouldnt have to call her, and thats what i will tell her........so u will lok like the fool for getting her involved if u make me call her to ask her, cause u r not answering the question for me............whats a wife suppossed to think when H wont answer question ??????

Desperate Housewife,

 

Please google the term 'gaslighting.' This is what is being done to you. A particularly nasty form of psychological manipulation.

 

As far as $money$, the law is on your side. You only need decide whether you want him enough to continue putting up with his 'schtuff.' You are FREE -- which carries a lot of responsibility and accountability but also a ton of good feelings. The ball is in your court. Decision time!

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

UPDATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I tried to talk to my H again night before last......begged him to tell me what was going on.....he refused told me get lost.........I told him that was it , I was calling her....he didnt seem to care...........YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT..........SHE HAD A " HEADS UP"........ I called her, I say hello, jane? she says whos this . i say this is joan, john does wife........she says , "WHO?" ..... i repeat myself, I tell her you know.....JOHN DOE.......she says....." I never heard of him ! (very snotty).............I said, "you dont remember the name of someone you used to date for years and communicate with regularly?" ..............BAM.........SHE HANGS UP ON ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I call back, she listens but does not speak, I tell her " I only wanted to ask her a few questions, and I wasn't suspicous before, but I sure as hell am now !"........I leave her my phone # (cell) and tell her she has one hour to call me back or I am calling her H on his cell and he can ask her the questions I wanted to.....I tell her it is not my intention to cause trouble in her marriage , unless she forces me too.

 

SO.................. she doesnt call me back, i gave her 2 hours..........she heads me off the pass and call s her H and tells him to expect a call from me.................I call her H , and he freakin defends her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he tells me........." I have never had any reason not to trust my wife, he tells me why are u involving my wife in your marital issues............I tell him, " your wife IS the issue at hand" ............I tell him about the phone calls and emails and he says, "SO?"............. I tell him it wouldnt have been an issue but I was lied to and decived about it......I say to him, "do you enjoy being lied to?" he says, "NO".......I say................."nor do I".............

 

I ask this jerk..........dont you find it unusual that when I call your wife she denies even knowing my H ? the jerk says no, after all she didnt know who she was talking to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YES SHE DID !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I suggest to him that he check his wifes cell records and email..........I am getting nowhere with this dumbass , so I tell him , bottom line here.........TELL YOUR WIFE TO STOP CALLING AND EMAILING MY HUSBAND...........he tells me please dont call his wife anymore........i tell him, i never wanted to , and i dont intend to again, UNLESS, she continues to call and email my H, in that case you can bet she WILL hear from me again......and I told him, if this leads to divorce for me, YOUR WIFE WILL BE NAMED IN MY DIVORCE PAPERS.......This makes him a little nervous, and he wants to know why SHE should be named in these papers, I tell him because SHE is the issue here, AND I WILL MAKE SURE SHE IS NAMED, if it comes to that.

 

 

 

 

thats about it.............what do you all think of her H reaction ??? Either he doesnt give a **** , or he doesnt trust his wife but doesnt want the world to know it ??? her reaction was typical of someone who had something to hide.....denying she even knew my H........if I were at the receiving end of that call and i had nothing to hide , i would have answered the questions and said it was all innocent....as a decent woman respectful of someone elses marriage i also would have said sory and promised not to speak to my H again..........WHAT PLANET DO THESE MORONS LIVE ON ?????????????

 

i told my H a fib........i told him I spoke to her H and that he has a message for you, "stop calling and emailing my wife"....................My H responds by no saying 2 words.........nothing.

 

 

 

 

INPUT PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Ps.............to guest..........yes I have heard the term "gaslighting"

 

to everyone else.........I won't throw his azz out until I am financially able to.........I love this man and he is treating me like crap, putting everyone else above me and his family........the emotional pain is incredible !

[izzybelle]

desparatehousewife,

 

i don't mean to sound harsh but do you really still love someone (who treats you that way) or are you just afraid to be without him? it is sometimes amazing what the human heart will put up with when we're afraid of the alternative or more importantly the uncertainty of what's next.

 

i understand your financial concerns. i, too, was afraid to leave my marriage because of that. but that was when i had convinced myself that i still needed to be able to continue the "lifestyle" i was accustomed to. eventually i came to the harsh realization that i couldn't, and that my sanity and emotional well-being were more important to me than the financial security i was leaving behind. and as for uprooting kids... it's hard, i know but what kind of damage will it do to them watching you go through this? you'll only be able to hide it for so long, if they haven't figured it out already.

 

i think what strikes me the most about your story, is your H's reaction, or lack thereof. although i don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" theory, he seems to show no reaction, no remorse, no concern for anything in all of this. and if he really is cheating...i don't see anything on his part that's going to stop him from doing this again, and again, and again.

 

i know this is emotionally painful, and i honestly can't even imagine how much you're hurting, but please look out for yourself and your future here. if he's not admitting that there's even any issues at hand i'm not sure how you're going to single handedly be able to hold your marriage together. and if you can, is this the type of life you want for you and your kids?

[Barby]

I'm glad that you updated us.....I'm sorry that you are going through this!

 

 

I think her husband trusts her, she probably called him saying that you don't trust your husband, you're unreasonably jealous, ect, ect, ect!

 

 

You should have NOT told your husband you were calling the suspected "OW" AND you should NOT have told her that you were calling her husband. You should have called them with no "heads up" because then you could have possibly gotten a more honest straight forward response!

 

 

 

It does sound like the two (your husband, and this "woman" ) are hiding something, you pretty much know what it is...I say deal with it, (ie leave him) or you'll probably have to live "knowing" he's cheating because obviously he isn't going to fess up and isn't going to end it with her.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE

UPDATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I tried to talk to my H again night before last......begged him to tell me what was going on.....he refused told me get lost.........I told him that was it , I was calling her....he didnt seem to care...........YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT..........SHE HAD A " HEADS UP"........ I called her, I say hello, jane? she says whos this . i say this is joan, john does wife........she says , "WHO?" ..... i repeat myself, I tell her you know.....JOHN DOE.......she says....." I never heard of him ! (very snotty).............I said, "you dont remember the name of someone you used to date for years and communicate with regularly?" ..............BAM.........SHE HANGS UP ON ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I call back, she listens but does not speak, I tell her " I only wanted to ask her a few questions, and I wasn't suspicous before, but I sure as hell am now !"........I leave her my phone # (cell) and tell her she has one hour to call me back or I am calling her H on his cell and he can ask her the questions I wanted to.....I tell her it is not my intention to cause trouble in her marriage , unless she forces me too.

 

SO.................. she doesnt call me back, i gave her 2 hours..........she heads me off the pass and call s her H and tells him to expect a call from me.................I call her H , and he freakin defends her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he tells me........." I have never had any reason not to trust my wife, he tells me why are u involving my wife in your marital issues............I tell him, " your wife IS the issue at hand" ............I tell him about the phone calls and emails and he says, "SO?"............. I tell him it wouldnt have been an issue but I was lied to and decived about it......I say to him, "do you enjoy being lied to?" he says, "NO".......I say................."nor do I".............

 

I ask this jerk..........dont you find it unusual that when I call your wife she denies even knowing my H ? the jerk says no, after all she didnt know who she was talking to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YES SHE DID !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I suggest to him that he check his wifes cell records and email..........I am getting nowhere with this dumbass , so I tell him , bottom line here.........TELL YOUR WIFE TO STOP CALLING AND EMAILING MY HUSBAND...........he tells me please dont call his wife anymore........i tell him, i never wanted to , and i dont intend to again, UNLESS, she continues to call and email my H, in that case you can bet she WILL hear from me again......and I told him, if this leads to divorce for me, YOUR WIFE WILL BE NAMED IN MY DIVORCE PAPERS.......This makes him a little nervous, and he wants to know why SHE should be named in these papers, I tell him because SHE is the issue here, AND I WILL MAKE SURE SHE IS NAMED, if it comes to that.

 

thats about it.............what do you all think of her H reaction ??? Either he doesnt give a **** , or he doesnt trust his wife but doesnt want the world to know it ??? her reaction was typical of someone who had something to hide.....denying she even knew my H........if I were at the receiving end of that call and i had nothing to hide , i would have answered the questions and said it was all innocent....as a decent woman respectful of someone elses marriage i also would have said sory and promised not to speak to my H again..........WHAT PLANET DO THESE MORONS LIVE ON ?????????????

 

i told my H a fib........i told him I spoke to her H and that he has a message for you, "stop calling and emailing my wife"....................My H responds by no saying 2 words.........nothing.

 

I am so sad that you have gotten into such an emotional state...running around, calling husbands, calling wives. All of this is at YOUR expense. You are the one who ends up looking like a nut, even though you know what is going on. I am not trying to down you, but you know that all of these games are beneath you. Please pick up what is left of your sanity and get rid of that man!

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

you're right.............I am the one that is being made out to look like the damn lunatic here ( courtesy of my H)

 

I need to have more on him as far as his infidelity goes......I do not want to go to court and be the one who looks like the nut ( gaslighting).............i want to be able to put a pile of names dates places etc- on a table and say........." here it is" proof beyond a reasonable doubt in anyones eyes"...............I want the world to know what a SOB he has been to me, and what he has put me through.

 

can anyone really beleive that her H actually trusts this bimbo ? at the very least do u think I have planted a seed in his mind and he will watch her more closely? I would love for him to call me back a month from now and tell me, "you were right all along !"

 

 

OMG.............I WISH I KNEW MY H EMAIL ADDRESS !!!!!!!!! I hide nothing , all my email addresses are here on my pc..........he knows what they are.........he never questions me about them, because he knows I CAN BE TRUSTED.......................

 

AS each day of going through this BS occurs I love him a little bit less.........until i guess, there will be no love left at all...............only HATE.

[debs]

Desperate,

 

Mine never did admit to the ongoing affair, I found out researching online. Email's blog sites etc etc. I have volumes of email. The very day he left and the girl was going to fly back here he still denied that it was nothing more than "friendship".

Her name was on the lease of his new apartment, H E L L O?

 

I am so sorry your going through this emotional roller coaster. But the decisions you make be prepared for the fall out! It is not an easy road no matter what you decide!

 

Am i sorry I found out about all of it? NO!!!

It has saved me emotionally! I am divorced from this fake lying man and I am better for it!

 

I wish you luck and no i wouldn't do any more calling. Time to think constructively and make some steadfast decisions!

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

I am so ANGRY right now..........I feel like posting their names all over the WWW.....................even making a webpage with its own dot com just for them...........I feel like I want the world to know what s*** the two of them are.

[debs]

Desperate, I brought both of them out on the lies told to everyone.

The girl was only 20 and had moved to her fathers in Atlanta suburbs. I called her bluff and sent out marriage license to her father saying I do not intend to stand in their way but did your "princess" happen to tell you he just got married! Oh they both were mad as hell! I just ROFL at both of them.

 

I looked at it this way why base a relationship on a lie so I let the cat out the bag!

 

Most who know me online knew what was happening as well as his poor mother, she is devastated as well.

 

I do wish you luck and i do know your pain and anger, been just a year ago for me and now I actually laugh about it!

[savethedrama4allama]

I know its frustrating, but you're never going to get a signed confession from your H. Its never going to be that clear...he's lied this long...why would he come clean now?

 

He's got you way out of control with these games. I understand the feeling of wanting to call them out on the internet. (If you were registered I could PM you the name of a great site.) While it'll give you temporary bliss, it won't take back the hurt, the wrongdoing. Its best to focus on yourself now, not on proving everyone else wrong. You're not happy...sounds like you're losing your mind actually and I understand why...but something has to give. Just try to take the "high road" of maturity as much as you possibly can. You will regret it later if you don't. (Spoken w/ experience.)

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

Deb,

 

 

It sounds as though you had plenty of ammo to go on...........I only wish I had the same kind of ammuntion when it comes to my H , so i could seek a little revenge (at their expense) myself............I know that wouldnt take away the pain, but it would make me feel MUCH better !

 

glad you had the last laugh on your ex.

[debs]

Llama? I don't regret any of it except helping him move here from Hawaii!

 

He has what he wanted and I have my life back.

 

Seriously Desperate!!! If he is a drinker and non communicative and denies why would you want to draw this out?

 

Your emotional well being is in jeporday! This will affect your children's emotional well being.

 

Please weight your options carefully and think of what is best for all concerned in your scenario!

 

I wish you all the best! I do not know what to tell you as to how to handle this nor how to come to a decision in your case!

 

I know "cops" are all flirts, except my father he was a true blue faithful man to my stepmother and still is!

But in my near 50yrs I have run across quite a few who strayed and I kept my distance from them!

 

I prefer the federal ones lol!

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

I know he will never come clean on his own..........I have to gather what info I can on my own.............my biggest mistake is my big mouth and giving things away so he had time to cover his tracks..........he will never use this pc to communicate with her because he knows i am very pc literate and probably fears a keylogger or something.

 

I will keep my mouth shut with him for now............I am sure she has contacted him at work to let him know that YES , I did call her and her Husband .

 

this is only one person i have have actually caught him with.......God knows how many others there have been.

 

 

 

 

I HATE COPS

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

Deb wrote : I prefer the federal ones lol!

 

 

__________________

 

LMAO.................thanks , I needed a good laugh today !!!!!!!!!

[savethedrama4allama]

I always regret any vindictive act of revenge...any time I showed weakness or immaturity. I wish that each time I would have picked up and left with my head high without looking back, knowing I deserve better.

 

Thats what I'm talking about when I mean regret. Badmouthing someone. Posting bad things about them on the internet. Calling their spouse. I always wish that I would have just "poof" vanished and maybe the man would miss me and have regret: "Look at the mature, intelligent woman I lost my chance with." But if I went off and acted like a jealous angry nut, he's more likely to wish me good riddance and somehow fault me for his indescretions.

[debs]

Llama if I had been really vindictive I could have done far worse!

Other than making the 20 yr old realize he did marry me and we were together visiting his family in Hawaii was all I did do!

 

But the most amusing part was the 20yr old called me just last year this time to appologise to me and cried the whole time. Did I fall for the BS? No I kept my eyes wide open and saw that the email's and the calls continued.....

 

I have no other regrets on how I found all this info!!! It was far better knowing then to be hit with a huge surprise!

 

Until you have solid proof Desperate, suspicions are just that!

Some may not want to know and do turn their backs on the obvious and close their eyes!

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

I am the type of person who does NOT wish to be kept in the dark , I want to know it all...details everything.......KNOWLEDGE IS POWER...................Llama...........every situation is different...........how long were you married? did you have children? what was the extent duration and circumstances of the affair ?

 

as far as " taking the high road" ..........I am not the one who has done anything wrong, why should he get away with it scott free ?? to let him just walk off into the sunset would be setting a poor example for my kids......sure just cheat and when your ready throw them all away and pretend it didnt happen !!!!!!!!! sorry not in my lifetime................i will probably never post his name on the net.........but bet your butt i will let the people who need to know what a crumb he is know. I am not the one who has anything to be ashamed of.

 

Whats right for one person is not right for every person.

[whichwayisup]

I am the type of person who does NOT wish to be kept in the dark , I want to know it all...details everything.......KNOWLEDGE IS POWER...................Llama...........every situation is different...........how long were you married? did you have children? what was the extent duration and circumstances of the affair ?

 

as far as " taking the high road" ..........I am not the one who has done anything wrong, why should he get away with it scott free ?? to let him just walk off into the sunset would be setting a poor example for my kids......sure just cheat and when your ready throw them all away and pretend it didnt happen !!!!!!!!! sorry not in my lifetime................i will probably never post his name on the net.........but bet your butt i will let the people who need to know what a crumb he is know. I am not the one who has anything to be ashamed of.

 

Whats right for one person is not right for every person.

 

Do what you have to do. Get all the answers you can. F*ck him. He's such a d*ckhead and soon he will be the one who is a total fool.

 

You've done nothing wrong here, you asked him wtf was going on and he lied to you. Over and over again. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He thinks he has you pegged. He thinks you won't leave him, follow him or figure out what he is doing. I say, get a divorce lawyer and serve him with papers. No more talking. As far as you're concerned he's having the affair. You have the upper hand here that he doesn't have. Just because he is a cop, doesn't mean he is above the law. He shows that arrogance in court, (if you choose to go that way) then he'll look like the NUTCASE.

 

He'll still have to pay childsupport etc.

 

I also would start talking to his friends and family. Let the inlaws get into this. If he isn't gonna respect you, then start playing hardball back. He is playing you, playing headgames and is calling your bluff too. Bastard.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this...Worst of all, I feel horrible for your kids. He should be ashamed of himself and I don't know how he can looks his children in their eyes.

 

Good luck, keep on venting and posting... In time your heart has to close to him. Right now your mind is hating him, disguisted by him...But sometime soon, you're gonna FEEL that your heart and soul will close from him too.

 

Hugs!

 

WWIU

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE

Whats right for one person is not right for every person.

 

I know this, but you asked for advice, and it was what I had to give.

 

You can't change the fact that he's cheating if he is- the only thing you have control over is how you conduct yourself.

 

If you want to badmouth him or whatever- thats up to you and I'm not faulting you for it, I can see why.

 

I was married previously for three years, but it did not end due to an affair. However recently I've had problems with my boyfriend contacting an ex and wish I had been more mature about it in general. Its the only thing I can control and when all is said and done, the only person I can hold accountable is myself.

 

So what are your next steps? Have you heard anything from the PI?

[izzybelle]

as far as " taking the high road" ..........I am not the one who has done anything wrong, why should he get away with it scott free ?? to let him just walk off into the sunset would be setting a poor example for my kids......sure just cheat and when your ready throw them all away and pretend it didnt happen !!!!!!!!! sorry not in my lifetime................i will probably never post his name on the net.........but bet your butt i will let the people who need to know what a crumb he is know. I am not the one who has anything to be ashamed of.

 

because you've done nothing wrong is exactly why you should take the high road!!!!! if you start dishing out the dirt (which yes, you have reason to do) what would his or other's reactions be? would they be look what he did to her, or would they end up being "look what's she's doing to him" regardless, and i'm not sure it matters it's always best to hold your head high and be better about handling things than he will be, or is. THAT above all will be your best revenge. to show him, your kids, and others that you won't stoop to his level.

 

and while you may not like the fact that he may walk off into the sunset, it won't set a poor example for the kids if you let him do that. showing them that you're strong enough and confindent enought to walk away, showing them that while you may have cause to bad mouth him and you choose not to will set a good example for them. most of the rest of it they will figure out on their own as they get older. there is very, very little that will make it worse for kids going through a divorce than watching a private and public battle between their parents. i watched a friend go through this and other kids can be pretty cruel. her mom took the road you're talking about and news spread and i felt so awful for my friend having to deal with the looks of pity, and / or snide comments about her dad - who she still loved in spite of his indiscretions. i don't know that her mother ever intended or thought her telling those that should know what a bumm her H was, would come back and be such a nightmare for her chidren. and my friend ended up being p'd at both parents. her father for his behavior and her mother for not keeping a private matter private (as she said to me).

 

when we're angry we aren't often capable of seeing the damage that things said and done can do to those we don't intend to hurt. yes, you have every right to be angry and right now i know it's hard to hear this but your best revenge is to rise above it and either fight to keep him in your life, or walk away with your head held high and your dignity in tact (as much as it can be with what he's done). there would be nothing sweeter than to be able to show him that you'll do better than just fine without him in your life...provided that's the route you choose to take.

[DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE]

I have to think of a shorter nickname !!!!!!

 

 

Thank you all for your advice.............this creep has put me AND my kids through too much for me to take the high road.............however , I will screw him over in such a way that it doesnt make me look bad.

 

I am a good person, he knows that.......he knows what the importance of family means to me, he KNOWS he is wrong.

 

as for my inlaws........forget it.........they are scum, they have made excuses for him in the past and will continue to.....you know the type, "MY SOn can do NO wrong"

 

as for the PI, no luck he cant get her cell phone log, says she has some sort of block on the info or her cell co. does. he is still working on her email but its not looking hopeful.

 

I wish I hadnt married a cheat at all, but I have to say it would have made things easier for me if i had married a dumb cheat instead of a cautious one ! LOL

[Kate]

i don't really want to generalize, but more than 50% of the cops i know (about 10) are alcoholics who cheat on their women. i don't know if it is a chicken-egg syndrome, sounds like there is a "type" of man that decides to be a cop -- not a cop who decides to be a "type" of man...you know?

 

be careful, desperatehouswife, most cops i know also have very explosive, volatile personalities. if things get heated, his precious ego gets bruised, or he feels totally out of control, he may react in a very very bad way. i would tell all of your very close friends and family what is going on. that way, if the unthinkable were to occur, you are supported.

 

get away from him. i dont care if you have kids or not -- you are in control of their happiness right now because you are in control of YOURS. you must make a life for yourself. there is no time to waste. get in a support group fast and don't talk, ACT.

 

good good luck. i'm so sorry for you. we are all tested in life, though, and there is always an unexpected and amazing light at the end of the tunnel, you know? seriously. i have been through many many bouts of HELL, and after a while things change IF you learn your lessons AND take appropriate action. if you simply sit on your a$$ and complain, you will get the same results -- and you will have earned them by taking the path of least...right??

[Leaf]

Just pack your stuff up and leave him. Its really that simple.