DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 I have recently (last 3 weeks) found out that my husband of 11 years has had email and phone contact with an old girlfriend. I confronted him about the phone calls first, he only admitted to one call.....I let him slide on it, I know he has called her more than once . One time he called her was at 1 in the morning , when he was at work....gotta feel pretty comfy to call someone at 1 am !! I confronted him about emailing her at the same time.....he denied it !!! then , just 2 days later I was snooping in his stuff and found her email address( I knew it was her because part of her email addy was her name )......I confronted him again, he denied it , I told him "YOU DAMN LIAR, i FOUND IT !" then I asked him again if he had been emailing her , his repeated response , "YEA , SURE, WHATEVER! " .....his typical response when hes nailed on something. this woman is also married with 4 kids, she lives 4 states away from here, but her parents and family still live here in my home state. my husband is a cop, and there have been a lot of trust issues with him in the past, but i have never been able to prove anything. he gives me the typical, "your paranoid and obsessed BS , that I know so many other cheaters have given their spouses. I would have hired a PI a long time ago.....but how the heck do you follow a cop ? He has email accounts other than the one he has at home, i do not know the user id's....he is careful I think not to use those email accounts from our home pc, because he knows I am very PC savy and probably suspects I would do something like put a keylogger on our pc. he does not use a cell phone since a year ago, when i confronted him over a bill and an 800 # on it....turns out he used a calling card to make his call and wouldnt tell me who he actuallly called......after that he refused to use a cell phone. Now he uses calling cards or if his calls are local , all he has to do is call the precinct he works at and ask them to link a call for him......then he can call me from one place but on the caller ID it looks like the call came from work. If he is cheating he has to be doing it while he works....his time is otherwise accounted for. Which is why a PI wouldnt do me any good at this point. any and all input would be great.......does it sound like hes been cheating ? I have had the gut feeling for years....and in the past he had a second job that required travel, he gave that job up just this year. he is very distant, hardly speaks to me , and can be downright nasty.....even more so since I nailed him calling and emailing the old girlfriend. I told him, hes just pissed cause I caught him in yet ANOTHER LIE.....and i told him ...." and you have the nerve to jump down my throat for being suspect of you ! " " its lie after lie" He is also an alcoholic, which compounds everything. Sorry , I rambled here....I was just trying to throw all of you a little background. I would rather know the truth than go on living like this....if hes cheating his AZZZZ IS OUTTA HERE !!
StillHurtin Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 I am so sorry you are going through this. It is the worst feeling in the world. My H had an A a month b4 our 11th anniversary. I think you have every right to get suspisious (sp). He is calling this OW and you have proof of it. He is getting very angry when you comfront him about it. You have came to a wonderful place. The ppl here are wonderful and you will get great advice. I have been here a few months and I wish I would of found this forum while the A was actually happening. I wish you the best.
jellybean Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 ooh, yeah...but before you make any hasty decisions, check out these other red flags that's he's cheating :
Missy1171 Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I really have no advice for you. But I just had to say OMG Jellybean! I wish someone had sent me that site a long time ago! My ex showed every sign listed! Seriously Ironically he was also a cop!
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Thank you for your replies. I came across this site today while looking for ways to catch him. He knows I am on to him..........I should have let the rope grow so he could really hang himself, but I couldnt keep my mouth shut ! he refuses to carry a cell phone now after the first incident where i questioned him, but i suspect he may ave a secret one he keeps at work. I also suspect he has a po box somewhere. I love how these SOB'S try to make us think we are crazy !! He hasnt spoken more than a few words ( all snotty ) to me since i nailed him with the old girlfriends email addy. I know he has another email addy, but i have no idea what his user id is for it and what it is, hotmail, yahoo etc- ...........but i have the girlfriends email addy........if i could figure out someway to get access to her email account , i could find out his email addy through her contacts list and also see if there are email there from my hubby.........i was trying to think of something sneaky like sending her an email and telling her to forward it to everyone in her contact list, including me.....like a chain letter type of thing................I am desperate, dont i sound it ??? any helpful hints on gaining access would be appreciated !! my H is a careful cheat , he knows I am on to him so that makes it that much harder to catch him really good. Like as far as I know he will not use the home pc for his other email accts. he knows I am pc savy and i am sure he fears i may be able to retrieve his emails , bet your azzz i would get a keylogger if i knew I could catch him. I suspect when he is home sometimes he goes down the road to the library to check his email !!! I have 3 children, so leaving him is not an immediate option for me. what is it with cops ?? I KNOW so many of them cheat, and they all cover for one another.like i said before how do you follow a cop when hes at work ?? its just not possible. For Gods sakes if you are going to cheat why in the hell bother being married ?? sometimes I fantasize about him dropping dead.....a car accident, a heart attack, stroke....whatever.....having him drop dead would be far less painful than this !!!!!!!!!!!!! Ideas ??????????? I am losing my mind thinking about this crap.
StillHurtin Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 jellybean, thanks for posting that. Even though H's A has been over for over a year I still went and looked at it and found similiar things. He got a promotion and started wearing cologne and dressing nicer for work. I asked him why he had to dress nice and wear cologne for his current job b/c he still needed to go out on the floor which meant his clothes would become dirty from parts, ect. He said he had to dress nicer for his new position. Well, there was no need to wear cologne. He never wore it to work b4. He was spending a lot more time at work. I wasn't dumb, I knew something was going on. You have access to her email? Do you have her phone #? I know many ppl may not agree w/ me but if I were you (and this is something you have to want to do) is call her and confront her. That is exactly what I did when I heard my H was having an A w/ his co-worker. She of course denied everything. She is a sweet talker. She can make ya beleive anything to some point. Her own H (she was married at the time of the A but filed for a D a week after my H did, how obvious is that!?) Anyhow, her H had came over to my house to talk to me about it. I needed to talk to him one night so I called his parent's. He wasn't there but his mom and I had a nice long talk. She said the OW is a bully, a sweet talker, and ppl are gullible to whatever she says. The OW knew me, knew we had children, ect. She tried to be my friend, said she would talk H out of the D (which she didn't, he decided on his own he wanted the marriage to work). I called her EVERY time I heard from friends what was going on. The last call I wasn't very nice and she hung up on me. I would confront her and tell her to stay the he!! away from your H. If he is in fact having an A he will end it w/ her if he wants his M to work.
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Oh Yeah .........I forgot.............he also went on a diet about a year and half ago (He looks great, and I look like **** from all the worry ) and he wears so much cologne before he ventures out to work it permeates the whole damn house !!!!!!!!!! I always used to bug him about trimming his nails........guess what, I havent had to in a long time ......what a surprise , huh ? Is anyone laughing now ? I hope you are, because I am after reading how ridiculous that last one just sounded ! Thank God for my sense of humour , without it I would have been in the looney bin a long time ago !
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 What a horrible situation. I'm sure that you're right - your husband IS cheating. If possible, I would just assume that he was, since the signs are all so clear, end the investigations, and proceed as if his affair(s) are an acknowledged reality. Investigating him is very difficult on you. He has broken your trust, not only with his cheating and lies, but with his blue line of solidarity and calling you crazy for suspecting the obvious. There are ways to deal with an affair. I like the <URL removed> approach best of all. Start with Plan A, and you may see a turnaround in his behavior...over time. Otherwise, go to Plan B. The website will explain both plans. Even if this doesn't end the affair, it will reduce the emotional stress on you. Yes, police officers are a bad cheating risk. Every woman should be made aware of this before considering marrying one.
StillHurtin Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I am relieved that I didn't get more serious and marry the cop I dated years ago if that is what they are like. I know that I went to the same church as one of the officers here in town and he was always screwing around on his W.
Craig Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Here are some ideas that may assist you. 1. It may be too early for this but if you do a google search on SEMEN TEST KIT you'll find a number of sites that offer kits to check clothing (his underwear) for semen. Here is one such site they tell you how to use it and what semen in various places might be indicative of. 2. You could inquire with several PIs some may have the ability to find his P.O. box and/or his email address. Some of them may be able to intercept HER e-mails and then you can find out if your husband is e-mailing her and what he's saying to her. Also, if your husband is using the internet at the local library you might want to confirm that he is going to the library and it may be possible for a PI to find out what he is doing on the computers at the library. There is a whole lot of things that a PI can do depending on the laws where you live. Don't give up if the first PI can't help you they all have different abilities. 3. Cover your tracks. Your husband may have the ability to trace down things that you do to try and find out what he is doing. Don't get a P.O. Box in your name, pay the PI in cash, consider using the computers at the library yourself to communicate with people that are helping you find out about your husband, etc. Best wishes in your quest and if he is cheating on you, please take him for everything you can.
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Thank you again for your replies and ideas !!!!!!!! I will check out the websites mentioned here. I already do a visual inspection on the underwear ( how degrading !) I don't have access to the Girlfriends email , I only know the address, and I will call a PI this week to see if there is a way to gain access to it for the purpose of getting H email address and see if they have been communicating and what is being said. I do have her cell phone and home # , which I found too.( she is also married and has 4 children , I did threathen my husband with calling her husband to ask him if he knows what s going on and approves, my husband didnt say a word when I said that )...I am not brave enough right now to confront her, I do not know her , and I feel I do not have enough to make a solid accusation....she could simply tell me all they have done was shoot a few hello emails to one another....I need a little more solid proof that it is more than that , I don't want to be made to look more foolish than I feel right now. I also feel as though this woman is not the only one he "communicates " with.....he is a huge flirt, although he denies it....when I see him talk to other women , he is too damn friendly and they eat it up and fall all over him, with me standing there !! I have tried in the past to tell im he gives women the wrong idead, my hubby denies he is TOO friendly. So for me after years of suspecting him , this is the first time I actually have some sort of solid proof of his lies and although it is painful, it is also a relief to know I caught him in a boldfaced lie !!!! For once I am not the "crazy" imaging things !! I wish I had found this site a long time ago, it is comforting to read your replies !!
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Well, I don't know how much comfort this is going to be, but... Reading your posts, it comes across that you've suspected him of numerous affairs over the years, but he's been too slick for you to prove it. This prompts me to ask the dumb question... If you really do "feel" that he's been cheating and lying to you for years, why stay now? Why even worry about whether or not he's having an affair, if trust is already shattered between you to this point? It sounds like he's not willing to do things to help you rebuild or rekindle that trust...so why are you still going through this? You said if you get proof that "his azzz would be outta here" (paraphrased). So what are you going to do if you don't get proof THIS time? Go through the same thing sometime in the semi-near future is my guess. I don't KNOW that he's cheating or not, but given what you've described, it seems to me that you both need to either fix your relationship or end it. Regardless of cheating...there is no communication and no trust...at this point, proof of cheating may just be the icing on the cake. You need to stop and think about what you're going to do either way...if you get proof, or if you don't. If you don't get proof, you're just going to assume that he was too good again to get caught...you're still going to be thinking that he was cheating. Or you'll be back at this point again sometime soon. UNLESS...you both fix the problems in your marriage...and then you can know and trust that he's not cheating. Or, you end it, and you don't give a rat's patootie who he sleeps with. Stop and think about it. Think about what you REALLY want from him...is it the truth? Or is it a relationship where you don't have to worry about the possibility of cheating? Or do you just need to end it now?
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Yes , I have suspected him for years......If I didnt care about him it would have been easy to walk away from him a long time ago......problem is, I still love him. And because I love him the thought of him fooling around on me is killing me, otherwise I wouldnt give a rats azzz what he did or with whom. I want the truth from him, even if I am the one that has to find it and confront him with it....I need to show it ALL to him, so there is no wiggling out of it for him.....he needs to come clean, and depending on what I find and the severity of it , he is either outta here or there is a lot of remorse on his part , and trust rebuilt.....at this point he knows I dont trust him at all, and rightfully so. you can see I am torn by all of this.....an emotional mess at this point. For me the worst thing in the world is Liar. I wish I didnt love him like I do, I wish I could just give him his walking papers.
Lil Honey Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by Owl If you really do "feel" that he's been cheating and lying to you for years, why stay now? Why even worry about whether or not he's having an affair, if trust is already shattered between you to this point? It sounds like he's not willing to do things to help you rebuild or rekindle that trust...so why are you still going through this? My thoughts exactly. DesperateHousewife: You have been suspicious for a while now. Do you really want to know what they say to each other? Will that really make you feel better? I really don't know what the purpose of finding out is, unless you are hoping that their words will prove your suspicions wrong . . . Think about it . . . you have succumbed to checking his underwear! Did you ever picture yourself in that position? Whether the both of you can fix this "marriage" or not, I believe (and suggest) that every woman set aside money to have for herself, just in case being on her own isn't an option. Start now to be self-sufficient. Start saving a few dollars a week, if that's all you can part with, and hide it. Start taking some classes at your local college or university. Then, if or when you choose to leave, you have some money and education with which to back yourself. Lil Honey
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Yes honey.....I suppose I am hoping I will be proved wrong, but i doubt it. I do feel the need to know every detail , no matter how painful, thats just my nature. and if there are very painful things uncovered it will make it easier for me to give him the boot if need be. I had a decent paying job before we married , and would be able to go back to work, but it wouldnt be enough to support this house and my kids on......I have been thinking about starting a nestegg to fall back on....something I should have started a long time ago.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE He is also an alcoholic, which compounds everything. Infidelity sounds like it might only be a symptom of some really huge relationship problems. I hate to invoke Dr. Phil, but alcoholism is a "deal-breaker". There's no relationship work that can be accomplished in a positive way when one partner is controlled by substance abuse. You're not dealing with the real person at all. You're dealing with a junkie. Please consider protecting yourself and your family. Visit the Al-Anon website for more info: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. Also, practice safe sex in your relations with your husband. I think your suspicions are valid enough to justify taking action to protect yourself. p.s. What will you do if you catch him cheating?
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I think that you're likely in for a long run of hurt and confusion friend. He's a cop...which means he's used to knowing when someone is BSing him, and he's used to BSing back. He obviously knows how to cover his tracks, so the odds of you getting that "proof" are going to be pretty slim indeed. Look at this from his perspective...why would he EVER admit to cheating?? He's lied and gotten away with it for years, at least that's your fear(belief?). And realize that most cheaters don't come clean even when presented with proof! They'll lie through their teeth to deny it...and then, when they can't deny it any further, they'll lie to minimize it. ESPECIALLY if they're someone who's capable of lying well. Your husband fits that bill...if he's an alchoholic, he's been lying about that for years...maybe even to himself. (The only time they'll actually come clean is when they really begin to REPENT what they have done...they begin feeling guilty, and start wanting to repair the damage they've done) I'm a firm believer in the stay together forever thing...my vows to my wife were forever...not until somone prettier comes along. BUT...if you're this convinced of his cheating and problems, I still don't understand what holds you together. How about this...tell him that YOU need marriage counseling to work out what's wrong in your marriage...that you need him to go with you to counseling so that YOU can make it better. Again, the idea would be to get him going...and hopefully actually working on his problems. Good luck!
KissMyTiara Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Ouch, hunny, yes. He's cheating. Don't doubt your gut instinct here. And if you do, think of these things: He can buy a prepaid cellphone that you would never know of. He's in the perfect position work-wise to cheat whenever he wants. He's a cop - infamous for cheating, and the most frequently divorced profession. He's being an a$$ to you. Regardless of his infidelity, why would you stay?
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 OMG...one more time that KMT and I agree on something...quick, someone mark down the date!!
Merin Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I was married to a cop.. now I won't say that ALL cops cheat.. but I will say from my experience.. I don't hold most of them in a high regard.. With that said.. It also seems to me that you know your husband is cheating, but in so many ways you're waiting to find that "smoking gun" and I can tell you honestly, it really doesn't make it any easier to deal with.. There is enough "evidence" that he is lying, sneaking and cheating.. he isn't going to just tell you the truth obviously when you ask for it.. I dunno.. personally I just couldn't put myself through all the crap of testing his drawers and watching him from the car.. going on covert operations in an effort to "prove" something I already knew to be true.. In my case.. my EXH asked me for an open marriage.. LOL he didn't want to get divorced he just wanted to screw other people and me be all set with it.. however it was and is also my opinion that he came to me with this AFTER the fact.. know what I'm saying? Life is to freaking short to put up with this kind of BS... even when you've got little people together.. I've got 2 with my EXH.. and guess what.. he's got another one now and is messing around on her.. suprise! Ugh! Turn the cop "tactics" around on his sh*t.. don't ASK anymore IF he is doing this or that.. TELL HIM YOU KNOW what he's up to, and you're NOT down for it! Good Luck
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Yes, I know his drinking is a HUGE problem.....he lies to me about it all the time..........he drinks hard stuff and hides it in the garage. I didnt find out about it for 4 years after we married !! this guy can drink a whole bottle and you could look at him and never know, walks talks and acts fine! he has horrible mood swings, when he is drinking he is sweet as pie when he is sober (when hes not working) the littlest thing sets him off ! I found out about the drinking when we went for couseling, the counselor heard his side and then mine , then brought us together ....he made H tell me there on the spot he was drinking, he said he coulnt see us any more unless my H told me about the drinking............when he told me i was blown away...I said , " where? when ? how ? I thought how could I not know? the counselor said I didnt know because he is a " functioning alcoholic"......the counselor told us he felt that 99 % of our problems were due to his drinking.....hubby didnt want to hear that and refused to back. At this point further counseling is not an option for me....HE NEEDS IT....NOT ME. He would only lie in counseling anyway, what would the point be. I have called alanon in the past, their advice was leave him alone, distance myself, you live your life let him live his..........not exactly a big help. He knows he has a problem and has told me he doesnt want to fix it right now. the drinking has also taught him to be an expert liar.....he can deny even when i am holding the evidence in his face. leaving him is not an option right now............. 1) I still love the jerk 2) I dont want to uproot my kids 3) $$$$$$$$$$$$ , I have nothing to fall back on I still feel a VERY strong need to catch him red handed with his pants down........that WOULD give me the strength to throw his azzzz out. I know not all cops cheat, but MOST of them do..................I am really starting to hate cops now for that reason. I spoke to a PI today, he is not sure he can gain access to the girlfriends email without access to her pc, he is going to ask someone else for me...........I need to get access so I can get H email address from her contacts list, and maybe there are some emails there from him that will validate or give me more info about what has been going on behind my back. The PI is also going to check and see if he has a PO box. I have to call him monday to see what he came up with. I want to get enough proof to throw in his face so there wont be any way he can deny it.........I may not be nuts but I feel like I am on my way !!!!!!!!!! LOL
Ladyjane14 Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 You've got a really difficult situation. I've always heard that alcoholics and drug abusers must hit "rock bottom" before they'll accept treatment. It's possible that proving his adultery will get his attention. It's also possible that it won't. The advice from Al-Anon is really the best you can do regarding his drinking, and you are correct when you say it's at odds with relationship building. Your hands are tied though in that respect, so you have to protect yourself and your children. I'm posting a list of characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's important to take steps to head these things off before they become a factor, so I hope you'll stay in contact with Al-Anon. Adult Children: ...guess at what normal is. ...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end. ...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. ...judge themselves without mercy. ...have difficulty having fun. ...take themselves very seriously. ...have difficulty with intimate relationships. ...overreact to changes over which they have no control. ...constantly seek approval and affirmation. ...feel that they are different from other people. ...are either super responsible or super irresponsible. ...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved. ...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess. And don't forget to protect yourself from STD's. You might consider getting tested.
SoleMate Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 I'm not so sure that counselling wouldn't be helpful to you. I understand he has the alcohol problem, but you can also use some support and strategies on how to manage your own suffering and possibly help get him for treatment. I'm so sorry about what you are undergoing. At times, I think that LIFE = PAIN.
DESPERATEHOUSEWIFE Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 I confronted him again last night.........asked him what communication they have had........asked what emails they sent back and forth....his response, "i', not telling u anything".................I threatned to call her...........he said he didnt care.............i pretended i had her on the phone and told him she wanted to speak to her..he said , no...........he didnt believe she was on phone .......he said i will look like the obssessed fool if i call her..........i told him if he would answer my questions i wouldnt have to call her, and thats what i will tell her........so u will lok like the fool for getting her involved if u make me call her to ask her, cause u r not answering the question for me............whats a wife suppossed to think when H wont answer question ?????? or is it all a big ego trip for him , having ME call her ????????????? I am calling her today..............any advice? hopefully before I make the call.
Owl Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 Odds are, she'll lie to you too. She's got even less reasons to be honest with you than your husband does. And it's interesting to note...the first time you threatened to call, he was silent. This time, he says you'll look like a fool. Sounds to me like he may have forewarned her that you'll call. Maybe you'd be better served by calling and talking with her husband??? I wonder if HE knows about the emails and whatever else. Seems to me that THAT would get more action and attention than calling her directly. If you talk with her...don't start yelling and being confrontational...she'll just clam up and tell you to get lost. TRY talking with her first...and see what you get. Realize that if she is having an affair with your husband, she'll likely lie to avoid the truth coming out...so try to pay attention and catch her or him in a lie. I doubt this will do you much good though...again, I don't see her being honest with you anymore than your husband is. I've got to say, if he told you that "I'm not telling you anything" in response to what's going on between the two of them, I can't possibly imagine why you'd consider staying with him. He doesn't give a damn about your feelings, needs, whatever in your relationship with him. Bluntly, you need to call him out on this, and LEAVE. Go home to your parents, do SOMETHING...because if he's truly as heartless as you say, he's not good for you or for the kids. Good luck.
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