goumao Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) I have posted once before. I found out more and the whole story is actually worse than i thought, not just a long term affair but also lots of one night stands in between. I've taken lots of time to think, and sort out my mind, I have made up my mind, divorce is is the only option for me. Recently i find myself getting obsessed with finding out about the other OM (long term OM). My soon to be exwife will not tell my anything about him. I've wasted days cross checking social media accounts etc. I've found a way to get her phone records but she's gone home for a while so i can't do that yet. I feel like there's just no point in me wasting time with it but can't help thinking about it. Has anyone ever been in this situation? Did you WS refuse to give up the info? Is there any benefit in finding out if I've already decided to D? Edited February 5, 2014 by goumao
Scott Thomas Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Hire an excellent PI and snoop n her mobile/laptop etc. Is she willing to take a polygraph? I think, given that she doesn't want to tell you, that it's best if you divorce and remove her from your life.
BHsigh Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Affair and multiple one night stands? If you have evidence and are sure that they all happened I would suggest just leaving and never looking back. Finding everything may just haunt you even more so. I understand the need to know everything, but I believe that it would be in your best interest to just let go. You're leaving anyways, just leave and don't look back.
GorillaTheater Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 She's more interested in protecting the OM(s) than your marriage. That tells you all you need to know. But if you're still in the same house, put a keylogger on your computer or secure a VAR under her car seat. You'd be likely to get some good intel that way. I have to say though, if you're divorcing her, ask yourself what the point is. You may get some good information about what her plans may be re the divorce, but what are you going to do with the information regarding the OM? What's your plan? Are you prepared to hear them declare undying love for each other or who stuck what where the night before? It's a distinct possiblity that you might. Divorce or not, that sh*t is tough to hear. This might sound strange, but the strategy I'd adopt is not to do anything to screw up their relationship, and hope she's happily in la-la land, picking out curtains and planning for the future while you divorce her as hard and fast as possible. 3
No Limit Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 She's more interested in protecting the OM(s) than your marriage. This. The final red flag that you shouldn't even think of reconciling. Might help you in court if you have some evidence, but in case your finances are clearly cut apart there's no need for that. Just get a lawyer and get it over with before she attempts to give you any more heartache. And forget about all the OM. She's probably getting new ones as we speak/write. 1
oldshirt Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 What Gorilla said above ^^^^^^^ Since she's protecting him and since she's made banging other dudes a lifestyle choice and isn't showing any signs of wanting to reconcile, there really isn't any point to invest any time, energy or money into anything that isn't about cutting you ties with her and moving on with your own life. It will just come out at some point, just like a big ol' turd. It may be a sticking point now and may be making you uncomfortable now despite your best efforts to dig it out but in good time it will just plop out on its own and might not even make a splash when it does. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I have posted once before. I found out more and the whole story is actually worse than i thought, not just a long term affair but also lots of one night stands in between. I've taken lots of time to think, and sort out my mind, I have made up my mind, divorce is is the only option for me. Recently i find myself getting obsessed with finding out about the other OM (long term OM). My soon to be exwife will not tell my anything about him. I've wasted days cross checking social media accounts etc. I've found a way to get her phone records but she's gone home for a while so i can't do that yet. I feel like there's just no point in me wasting time with it but can't help thinking about it. Has anyone ever been in this situation? Did you WS refuse to give up the info? Is there any benefit in finding out if I've already decided to D? Kind of. I was damn sure I knew who, but even when caught in a hotel together she claimed to just be talking. You will drive yourself nuts with this needing to know. Find a way to just let it go and move on. Cut contact with her... That will help a lot.
aliveagain Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 She choose's to protect O/M over your marriage, that's all you need to know. She is a serial cheater, a marriage full of infidelity why waste any more time on this train wreck, read up on the 180 and implement it immediately, detach, detach, detach. She is showing you where her loyalty lie's, you need to believe her. My ex never confessed to an affair even after having O/M's child(thank God for DNA testing). Let your lawyer deal with her.
xAkulax Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Does it really matter who it If she doesn't want a relationship with you then F here and focus on you
Steadfast Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Curiosity is natural, but knowing won't help you heal. Truth often being stranger than fiction, the less, the better. Spoken from experience. The truth? You already know the most critical part. Without her acceptance and desire, the OM would just be another dog sniffing about. You were not married to him, therefore you have no commitment. In your case, the blame lies squarely with the person you trusted. You know all you need to know. Press on.
karnak Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Curiosity is natural, but knowing won't help you heal. Truth often being stranger than fiction, the less, the better. Spoken from experience. Yes, but sometimes (always?) the truth will set one free.
Pastypop Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 She's not protecting the OM, she is protecting herself. She doesn't want you fact checking and finding out the real truth. It's really has nothing to do with the OM. She is TT and rug sweeping hoping this thing will just die down without too much damage to her or her reputation.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 . My soon to be exwife will not tell my anything about him. Hire a PI. Find out who he is. Unfortunately her keeping it from you could mean it's someone you know (well) and that is why. Need to ask, do you two have children? If so, she MUST tell you who it is because obviously some day that OM is going to be involved in your childs life.
road Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 It is normal to need the whole truth. I will tell you that if you do not get the truth you will still be haunted trying to find out the truth for 30+ years out from D day. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You already know that the marriage is done so IMO just file and when the smoke clears, no doubt that the OM will crawl out from under the rock where he lives and you'll get your answers. The problem is not knowing and I understand that but give it time and then they'll show their face. Once that happens then what are you going to do?
kalimata Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Goumao: So sorry you are here. I agree with the previous posters. Don't waste so much of your time and energy on this. After your D is final, you will look back upon this time of your life and wonder what you were thinking. HOWEVER knowing a bit about OM will certainly help you heal more quickly. The more is unknown, the longer this festers in your mind and makes you wonder. I agree with other posters to plant a few VARs (car and home) as well as a keylogger. You should be able to find out about OM within a few days after doing such. Once you have the information however, I suggest to NOT LISTEN TO THE VAR. Have someone else do the listening for you and then convey what it says. Otherwise the sounds from the VAR recording will HAUNT YOU FOR A LONG TIME.
Chi townD Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Chances are that the OM is married with kids and she's protecting what he has. Sad that she has no problem destroying what the two of you had.....
road Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 When a WW will not say who the OM it is because it is someone the BH knows. Making it a double betrayal.
Author goumao Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Thanks for the replies! We don't have a car, and my WW usually uses an iPad, so keylogger is not on option. It turns out that I might already have the guys number (when I was snooping initially I took a snapshot of call her logs). But I also think that I might just give the number to a friend and see if she can get the info because I have wasted so much time on this. I think it would help me to heal if I knew more, but her not giving up the info says quite a lot. I'll start packing up her stuff asap before she gets back. What would I do with the info? I'm not sure. Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe one day I'll bump into him and his family in restaurant some day. Maybe we'll have a business meeting some day. I don't know. Maybe blackmail the guy!!! (joking of course)
thummper Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Since you've said that divorce is your only option, does it REALLY matter who the OM is? Divorce her and move on to a happier life.
SugarHibiscus Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Just a thought...my H had an EA/PA nearly 5 years ago. I didn't want to know ANY of the details. I knew that I would end up comparing myself to her. Was she pretty? Smarter? Funnier? Sexier? What was it that he saw in HER? I knew I would drive myself nuts. I focused on WHY he cheated, not WHO he cheated with. The WHO was irrelevant to me. That being said, maybe that wasn't such a great strategy after all. I'm now in EA turned PA. It's been going on over a year. From BW to mOW. Like others have said, move on. Divorce her and find someone worthy of your loyalty. 1
road Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Just a thought...my H had an EA/PA nearly 5 years ago. I didn't want to know ANY of the details. I knew that I would end up comparing myself to her. Was she pretty? Smarter? Funnier? Sexier? What was it that he saw in HER? I knew I would drive myself nuts. I focused on WHY he cheated, not WHO he cheated with. The WHO was irrelevant to me. That being said, maybe that wasn't such a great strategy after all. I'm now in EA turned PA. It's been going on over a year. From BW to mOW. Like others have said, move on. Divorce her and find someone worthy of your loyalty. Does your WH/BH know about your affair?
No Limit Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Does your WH/BH know about your affair? She didn't cheat, her husband did.
dichotomy Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I can totally understand wanting to find the "truth" sure you are divorcing, but I always wanted the full truth from my first marriage and her cheating. Now many years later, I can see it would have only hurt me more, but I did know who OM was. At least I did not have to worry about running in to him - or him being someone I knew. But at the time - I blew the chance to find all her emails and I wanted to know what was really said and done - but I divorced her anyway. The only reason I could see to find OM are 1) If he is married, then telling OM's wife - payback 2) Or informing him of your wifes other men 3) Making sure you don't know him personally or run into him.
SugarHibiscus Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Does your WH/BH know about your affair? Nope. Not yet at least. He has had fleeting suspicions about me and my OM. He thinks I "care about [my OM] too much". We were "just friends" for about a year before it turned physical. @NoLimit- He cheated on me a few years ago and I'm currently involved in affair.
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