sportygirl84 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 So if someone can shed some light on this, I would greatly appreciate it. I met my ex over the summer and dated for a few months. During those few months, I met his family, he talked about marriage, his future big plans, and treated me like I was really something special. He goes on a business trip and things go wrong, for him and when he comes back he comes back a different person and then all of sudden we get into a big fight and stop talking. A month later we start talking again, we are getting along pretty good. He seems interested still. We go on a date and he just freaks out on me. Treats me like a friend. Would act like he was going to kiss me and then wouldn't. And did this several times throughout the date. The next day he tells me he wants to see me again but... stands me up pretty much. Told me at the last minute he couldn't make it. He tells me I have every right to be upset and I am, we get into a HUGE fight and he tells me it was never going to work for a relationship and we need to be just friends. I told him I can't just be friends right now and I need some time to myself but maybe later we can be friends. He gets pissed at me for that and tells me whatever, do what I want. So I go away and I am fine. Then Christmas comes and I send him a text like everyone else. He was kind to me in replies but when New Years Eve comes around, the guy is just mean and tells me to not text him anymore and then asks me what about all the stuff we talked about in our last fight. So I told him, fine I won't text you anymore. I don't understand all this HOT COLD behavior. I've been trying to be his friend and then he acts so HOT and COLD. Lately we have been texting because I sent him an email about why does it have to be this way. And he said we'd have to have that conversation in person and so I asked him if he wanted to see me and he said he did. We have been texting since then, still a lot of hot and cold behavior. I really do want to be friends but all this hot and cold behavior makes me wonder if the friendship at all is worth it. He said he wanted to be friends, so I'm doing what he asked. I don't understand what the big deal is. Can anyone shed some light?
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 It's bad news and nearly impossible to be friends immediately after a break up. Too many emotions on both sides. You'd be better served leaving him be and recovering from the breakup. A lot of exes say they want to stay friends because they think it's the "nice" way to do it, but it doesn't work usually. You need time away to decompress. If I were you I'd back off of the friend thing. Neither one of you are ready or capable of it right now.
lucky_penny Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Personally I don't like being friends after breaking up. It's hard letting someone go but it's really for the best. Emotions are all over the place for both people, and you need to settle your mind and your feelings on your own. Only when things have cooled off should you start to contact each other. Being hot and cold means that he hasn't fully "decompressed" after the breakup, and you stand to drive each other away if you try to talk now.
Keii Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You can only really be friends after some time has passed. I'm friends with all my exes, and for the ones I dumped, I made sure a lot of time had passed before I contacted them again. I also made sure to not talk about the relationship until a long time has passed or if we've reached a stage where we're truly indifferent and only want the best for each other. One of my exes and I are pretty much best friends. We help each other out in bad times, and give each other relationship advice and perspective. This was only possible when a significant of time has passed, and when we started treating our friendship as if we were strangers, and slowly got to know each other better again. It took a long time (few years, 2-3 roughly) to get to the point we're at now. You'll see a lot of people on the forum say something like exes shouldn't be friends, and if the dumper befriends you, they're just looking for an ego boost, or keeping you as an emotional tampon or a back up option. These are all very valid. Figure out WHY you want to be friends with him. Meditate and think on it. From your post, it seems like he's facing a lot of emotions when it comes to you. It might be best to give him some space. Sometimes, people say let's be friends because they can't bear the thought of losing someone. It doesn't always mean being friends right after a break up is the best option. There's just too many emotions running around and it could very well ruin any friendship you two may hope to have.
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