Gemini x Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I really need some reassuring words right now. My boyfriend and I, EX boyfriend, I'm still in denial obviously... were together over 3 years. We're both in our early 30s. The relationship was a rollercoaster. It was the most intense, passionate, amazing relationship I've ever had in my life... but it was the craziest, hateful, aggressive, almost toxic relationship at the same time. I've never felt more love/passion for someone as much as I did him. He was my first true love, and I'm sure of this. I was married many years ago and it was nothing compared to the love I feel for my ex. My breakup from my ex-husband was nothing like what I feel with this breakup. The pain is so bad I'm struggling to make it through the day. I'm bawling my eyes out as I type this and have to pause just to wipe the tears from my eyes so I can see my screen. We broke up 3 weeks ago, which was done by him just "disappearing". He told me he loved me on Jan 9th and vanished right after, not hearing from him again until he showed up on facebook posting almost 2 weeks later. I know he'd been unhappy for awhile because we were fighting almost daily over the stupidest **** ever was. When I think about half the **** we fought about it's ridiculous and one would think we actually hated each other. This has definitely showed me things I need to work on within myself. Yesterday was the first time we've spoken since the breakup. He initiated contact to inform me of something I was already aware of, something that didn't need to be told to me, which provoked a reply from me. I wish I hadn't of replied back but I did. I was so hurt and angry that it all came out like text word vomit. I ended up making him angry because he was at work and I was texting like a crazy person. I tried getting closure. I poured my heart out to him and then I cursed him out. It was basically expressing all the emotions that had been pent up over the last 3 weeks. Nothing's been said since. I blocked him from everything so I don't feel the need to look at him. But, I can't block him from texting me so I'm finding myself sitting here "waiting" for a text, that's more than likely never going to come. Oh god this hurts soooo bad. There's really no closure. I know he's been having a hard time with the breakup, too, according to what his facebook said before I blocked him. However, I'm really wanting to text him to get some kind of reassurance. An "i love you" or "i miss you"... basically anything just to get noticed by him. Please help!! I feel like I'm dying a slow painful death.
pickflicker Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 This pain is bad, but the pain of him ignoring your text will be worse. For a 30 year old man to disappear like that after a 3 year relationship, is cowardly. Do not dignify his appalling behaviour by chasing him with 'I miss you' texts. 4
Author Gemini x Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I'm wanting to contact him so bad. The urge is even worse today than it was yesterday. I'm trying *everything* I can to stay strong here and not contact him. This pain, it feels almost unbearable.
Roses777 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Did you date a Pisces man? This sounds like my dead relationship with my Bipolar II Gemini ex-gf. Major rollercoaster. Sometimes I think we secretly both enjoyed it because we felt alive and, despite the arguing at times, we were both highly passionate. I have not seen nor heard from her in a month. I suspect she is having difficulties finding a good replacement for our 4 year relationship.
Author Gemini x Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 He's an Aries. I know why he left me; the fights and the drama. It was almost daily we'd fight over something stupid. It was making him unhappy and instead of us being able to talk (which would have led to a fight) he ran away and is letting it fizzle out on its own. He has a history of this, though. He did the disappearing act on a couple of his past relationships. He'd disappear for however long and then when he'd "return" she had already moved on to someone else and played it up as she was a cheater and yada yada yada. He expects the women to still be there when he decides to come back. I guess he sees that as a sign of real loyalty and love, instead of what it really is, emotional abandonment.
lauri Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 He's an Aries. I know why he left me; the fights and the drama. It was almost daily we'd fight over something stupid. It was making him unhappy and instead of us being able to talk (which would have led to a fight) he ran away and is letting it fizzle out on its own. He has a history of this, though. He did the disappearing act on a couple of his past relationships. He'd disappear for however long and then when he'd "return" she had already moved on to someone else and played it up as she was a cheater and yada yada yada. He expects the women to still be there when he decides to come back. I guess he sees that as a sign of real loyalty and love, instead of what it really is, emotional abandonment. From my perspective, if he says he loves you and then disappears immediately after, all I can think of is GAMES. He may be trying to test you to see if you are “loyal” to him by just leaving your life and seeing if you will wait around for him once he is back. That is really immature and you deserve him to be straight up with you. To be honest, I'm surprised you still have a high interest level in him considering all you would do is fight over small things and the drama. Normally, I would be turned off when this happened, even if it was my fault because of all the negativity that is being brought out of me. Don’t get me wrong, fighting is essential in a relationship but ONLY over things that are worth it. I think right now you are feeling the way you are because your ego is hurt and you are being drawn to him because he left you like this. Let’s be real here, where you happy fighting all the time? You make it seem like it was just him that was unhappy – but I doubt anyone really wants to be involved in fights constantly. A relationship with someone is supposed to enhance your life not make it, and to be honest, it doesn't sound like it was that healthy and caused more pain than anything.
Author Gemini x Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 From my perspective, if he says he loves you and then disappears immediately after, all I can think of is GAMES. He may be trying to test you to see if you are “loyal” to him by just leaving your life and seeing if you will wait around for him once he is back. That is really immature and you deserve him to be straight up with you. To be honest, I'm surprised you still have a high interest level in him considering all you would do is fight over small things and the drama. Normally, I would be turned off when this happened, even if it was my fault because of all the negativity that is being brought out of me. Don’t get me wrong, fighting is essential in a relationship but ONLY over things that are worth it. I think right now you are feeling the way you are because your ego is hurt and you are being drawn to him because he left you like this. Let’s be real here, where you happy fighting all the time? You make it seem like it was just him that was unhappy – but I doubt anyone really wants to be involved in fights constantly. A relationship with someone is supposed to enhance your life not make it, and to be honest, it doesn't sound like it was that healthy and caused more pain than anything. He definitely tests my loyalty. He's done this in the past, never this long, like a couple days or something, and then get mad if I wasn't chasing him. After he disappeared on ME, and showed up on facebook 2 weeks later, he was watching me, every move I made on there, and got mad because I posted/acted as if I wasn't affected at all and doing fine. I wasn't going to let him see me hurting. In retaliation he'd post something in order to make me mad to get me to talk to him, which I wouldn't do. After he realized I wasn't pining for him like I always would in the past, he deleted me. We haven't spoken since Monday. And as crazy as it sounds, I know he loved me. We just hit rock bottom and couldn't really find a way out. The frustration just got worse and worse and he bailed. I wasn't happy fighting, we had issues needed to be worked on, but I loved him more than I hated the fighting, if that makes any sense. When we were good it was absolutely AMAZING and when we were bad it was absolutely HORRIBLE. But I kept trying to see the good and what about him I did love. I'm going to move on and never contact him again but it's sad it ended in such a way. If he'd talked to me we may have been okay. He's the one I'll always remember. I keep hoping he'll come back, of course, but I'm not going to spend my life pining for him like he wants. I told him on Monday, in text, that I still love him and blah blah blah and I haven't heard anything since so I'm going to grieve I guess and put it behind me.
TheyCallMeOx Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 With my experience, the only closure you're going to get is the closure within yourself. You really have to take the time to figure out what went wrong with the relationship. I think that a lot of us can find something to make the break-up seem immoral, but the bottom line is that people do what they feel is right and there's really nothing you can do about it except accept that it happened, learn from it, and move on. I could say how my ex-girlfriend didn't try hard enough to keep the relationship and all these things, but the truth is that it no longer matters. How I feel the break-up went down is irrelevant now as I have had no contact with my ex-girlfriend for the past 3 months. The things I've wanted to say to my ex-girlfriend are pretty much no longer there because I know that I'm probably never going to speak to her again. Having any amount of hope is going to destroy any potential in recovering, and I really don't want to be one of those people who marry down the road but still be in love with an ex after 20 something years. What I've realized is that the only thing that we can really do is let it all go. Let go of the questions you'll potentially never get, let go of the hope of getting back together, and let go of the feelings. You may not get rid of the thoughts, the dreams, and maybe even materialistic things that you accumulated during the relationship, but you can get rid of the feelings behind them. At some point, you'll come to a realization that you are the only person dragging yourself down, and you'll start making real progress in your recovery. For the moment, you need to focus on yourself and how you feel. Cry as much as you want, but at some point...you've gotta really sit down and get serious. You can't half-ass recovery because if you half-ass it, you'll make more mistakes than anticipated. Don't let your ex-boyfriend control your life like this because you have the power to decide to not let that happen; until you realize that, you need time to stand back up before you can start making decisions (sometimes physical and sometimes mental) to better your life. 2
Author Gemini x Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 One thing that's really bothering me is the fact that I'm watching my phone to see if he's text me. I can't change my number (because of work) and I can't block text messages/specific numbers therefore I'm left "knowing" he isn't contacting me. It's like watching him move on everyday I don't receive a text from him. That's making it even harder.
headinthecloud Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I'm wanting to contact him so bad. The urge is even worse today than it was yesterday. I'm trying *everything* I can to stay strong here and not contact him. This pain, it feels almost unbearable. The pain is awful and it's real. This rollercoaster of emotion will continue for at least 3-4mos, so buckle up, it's a bumpy ride. The trick is to get out of the house and off the computer. Read the links in my signature, they will help. Also checkout Breakup Recovery Guide - it helped me through my bad days. And have a plan for the bad days...call a friend, go to the gym, post here, whatever...just keep yourself busy. You must go full NC and commit to NC. That's the only way. Because breaking NC ruins your self-esteem and puts you further den the rabbit hole. Accept that you will think of him constantly, every day. That won't change for a while. But I promise you, in time, it does get better. What you're feeling is a normal part of the breakup recovery process. Focus only on you now. Your happiness is what counts. He should be dead to you. You will get through this. Be strong. This too shall pass. Focus only on you! 1
headinthecloud Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 One thing that's really bothering me is the fact that I'm watching my phone to see if he's text me. I can't change my number (because of work) and I can't block text messages/specific numbers therefore I'm left "knowing" he isn't contacting me. It's like watching him move on everyday I don't receive a text from him. That's making it even harder. Give your phone to a friend or turn it off for a couple of days, if you can. If you do, just tell your close friends and family beforehand so they know how to reach you. There was a time when cell phones didn't exist. Those were the days when we talked to people face-to-face. Strange as it may seem.
organizedchaos Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 One thing that's really bothering me is the fact that I'm watching my phone to see if he's text me. I can't change my number (because of work) and I can't block text messages/specific numbers therefore I'm left "knowing" he isn't contacting me. It's like watching him move on everyday I don't receive a text from him. That's making it even harder. Call you carrier and see if they can block it for you.
Author Gemini x Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Call you carrier and see if they can block it for you. The only thing I could do was block all incoming text messages for the time being. I've let everyone know I've done so and they'll need to contact me some other way. At least I won't be let down tonight, or tomorrow, when he doesn't reach out to me.
organizedchaos Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 The only thing I could do was block all incoming text messages for the time being. I've let everyone know I've done so and they'll need to contact me some other way. At least I won't be let down tonight, or tomorrow, when he doesn't reach out to me. What kind of phone do you have?
Author Gemini x Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 It's one of those cheap Verizon phones from Walmart. The pantech caper or something. It doesn't have any blocking capability other than blocking ALL incoming or outgoing. It sucks but it's cheap and gotten the job done.
Author Gemini x Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 God, I broke NC today. We "broke up" 4 weeks ago after he disappeared on me. So, no one actually said it was over. Due to drama/fighting he ran to let us fizzle away I suppose. Anyway, we'd went NC 25 days then he broke it on Monday. Nothing good come from it. Then we went NC the last 3 days and my dumb ass broke it just earlier. I went right into the "im still in love with you".. "i miss you".. "let's get back together".. god, im an idiot. He replied back basically to inform me he's working today so he can't be texting and said he'll text me when he gets off work later, but I don't expect him to. I ****ed up..
theonlyjuan Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Don't worry, just start again from day 1 You will soon get fed up of re-starting NC and will end up sticking to it. It's normal, so may people have broke it early on.
Zahara Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Well, the text that he sent to you about not being able to text could have been replaced with a "I feel the same way too. I'll call you after work." Instead he passively shut that down with some lame excuse. Stay NC. Sometimes you need to get one last bonk on the head to finally accept it. We've all broken NC. It's not the end of the world. Just get back on the wagon again. You didn't F up. You're emotional. It was a break-up. It's normal for you to struggle through the denial.
Author Gemini x Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 So this is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/459192-wanting-break-nc-i-m-such-pain As it says, I broke NC today and he replied back to inform he was working and he'd text me when he got off work. He called me about 20 minutes ago telling me to just stop texting him and let him do what he's gotta do. He said his step-dad had just died, a little before his call to me, and he was at his mom's house dealing with that **** while I'm blowing up his phone for answers. He blamed me saying that "I" broke up with him 3 weeks ago and didn't talk to him and now I'm starting bull**** over it. He said for me to basically back the **** off and when he's done taking care of the things he needs to, in his words; "i'll tell you exactly what i think of you". He sounded so angry with me. He's acting as if I left him, when he was the one told me he loved me and then disappeared, only to show up 2 weeks later getting mad I wasn't pining for him. Now, I will admit, since Jan 9th.. up until 3 days ago I hadn't made any attempt at contacting him. No text, no call, absolutely nothing. I assumed he wanted to go so I was letting him. Now that I'm trying to get closure, it's *my* fault. My heart's so broken because we've been together over 3 years. I was there when his mother died and he was here for me when my father had a heart attack. Some of the biggest obstacles in our lives we shared together.
Author Gemini x Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) The last 3 weeks I was doing, okay, while there was NC.. Now this week I'm miserable because I know he's around but just unattainable. I've brought on my own heartache this week by contacting him. I feel like I've been slapped in the face by my own hand. I'm not perfect, by no means, but I *do* deserve better than this bull****. I think this was the push I needed. He caused this and now blames me as if he's the victim that was dumped. I'm sooo angry at myself. I poured my heart out to this man 3 days ago and today, too. It's obvious he no longer cares and I'm just being a heartbroken idiot. I'm just kind of venting in this thread now. The last thing I sent him after his angry call earlier was that I'm sorry for his loss, I'm here if he needs me and told him I'll always love him. If he doesn't see how bad I'm trying to talk to him to work this out, then **** him. No matter what, I'm not falling into this trap again. I'm only setting *myself* up to get hurt. It's obvious that if we were to ever see each other again, space is the ONLY thing that would make that possible. There's so much tension between us, even after 3 weeks of silence that talking right now just isn't going to work. Edited February 7, 2014 by Gemini x venting...
Author Gemini x Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Day 1 of NC. Breaking it yesterday was definitely a regret. I would rather sit and be sad and grieve than to break NC and go through the added heartache. I knew when he broke contact Monday I shouldn't have responded. He did it to provoke me into replying and I fell for it, only to end up being hurt. Right now I'm going to pretend like he's dead. I'll come here for support and to vent.
SadNLonley Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 With my experience, the only closure you're going to get is the closure within yourself. You really have to take the time to figure out what went wrong with the relationship. I think that a lot of us can find something to make the break-up seem immoral, but the bottom line is that people do what they feel is right and there's really nothing you can do about it except accept that it happened, learn from it, and move on. I could say how my ex-girlfriend didn't try hard enough to keep the relationship and all these things, but the truth is that it no longer matters. How I feel the break-up went down is irrelevant now as I have had no contact with my ex-girlfriend for the past 3 months. The things I've wanted to say to my ex-girlfriend are pretty much no longer there because I know that I'm probably never going to speak to her again. Having any amount of hope is going to destroy any potential in recovering, and I really don't want to be one of those people who marry down the road but still be in love with an ex after 20 something years. What I've realized is that the only thing that we can really do is let it all go. Let go of the questions you'll potentially never get, let go of the hope of getting back together, and let go of the feelings. You may not get rid of the thoughts, the dreams, and maybe even materialistic things that you accumulated during the relationship, but you can get rid of the feelings behind them. At some point, you'll come to a realization that you are the only person dragging yourself down, and you'll start making real progress in your recovery. For the moment, you need to focus on yourself and how you feel. Cry as much as you want, but at some point...you've gotta really sit down and get serious. You can't half-ass recovery because if you half-ass it, you'll make more mistakes than anticipated. Don't let your ex-boyfriend control your life like this because you have the power to decide to not let that happen; until you realize that, you need time to stand back up before you can start making decisions (sometimes physical and sometimes mental) to better your life. What a great post. Now to be able to live by it. I get everything you say, but actually doing it is another thing. We haven't spoken since Nov 18, but I guess I technically broke NC the other day by looking at his FB. I understand we sometimes dont get the answer, but its killing me and I cant let it go. I am also a little worried to let go of the love I feel for him. I am so afraid i'll never feel it again. Yes, i get he is not contacting me, and i get he is most likely living his life happily without me, its just hard to move on. Everything you said is right though. Just have to work on it.
Author Gemini x Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 I am also a little worried to let go of the love I feel for him. I am so afraid i'll never feel it again. That's how I feel. I feel like if I let the love I feel for him leave, it won't ever return. That if he were to come back in a couple of months to actually work things out that that "love" I once felt wouldn't be here any longer. I guess deep inside I'm thinking it'd be easier to work things out while the love is still present rather than later, but after yesterday, and hearing how annoyed/frustrated he is that isn't an option. I realized keeping my distance is for the best. This is so hard.
SadNLonley Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 That's how I feel. I feel like if I let the love I feel for him leave, it won't ever return. That if he were to come back in a couple of months to actually work things out that that "love" I once felt wouldn't be here any longer. I guess deep inside I'm thinking it'd be easier to work things out while the love is still present rather than later, but after yesterday, and hearing how annoyed/frustrated he is that isn't an option. I realized keeping my distance is for the best. This is so hard. Read your post as an outsider. I see it in mine as well. I think we know the answer. Who cares if they come back later and we dont feel that way. At that time, it will be their loss and we will either be willing to try again with them or move on. We make our own enemies. I know I am.
Author Gemini x Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) I've done "okay" today but I'm *really* missing him tonight. We always spent our weekends together and all I keep thinking about is what he's doing. I know his step-dad killed himself 2 nights ago and he'd been dealing with all of that so I'm sure he's quite busy. This sucks. I feel like a part of me is dead.. and I guess there is.... him. I feel so empty. I haven't cried in 2 days but I feel like breaking down right now. This time 5 weeks ago I was lying in bed next to him with my head on his chest and my fingers caressing his stomach. My god this hurts so bad. Edited February 9, 2014 by Gemini x
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