HokeyReligions Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I was madly in love with my ex. We were only together for 5 months but it was great. As all great things, this one had an ending. I'm broken hearted but got a shot to the guts when I friend of mine told me he saw her on a sugar baby dating site. Her profile states she wants an allowance for giving out sex. She is close to a perfect 10 and has never had a problem dating. What makes a woman want to become a prostitute?? She makes a nice salary, $90,000 a year in her job as a controller for an HVAC company. The thought of her selling her body for cash makes me literally ill. How do you get over something like this? You've ruined her for other men so she may as well get paid
HokeyReligions Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I question the philosophy that a woman who owns and controls and uses her sexuality ....... Its about perspective. It doesn't sound to me like she controls her sexuality it sounds like she is a slave to it. 1
ThatMan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) And the possible-BPD approach... Ah yes, a woman who controls her sexuality is either dirty and wrong, or else obviously CRAZY; that's the only other explanation.... .... I wouldn't want to see anyone I know feeling like they had to do that, and I would be greatly conflicted about someone who wanted to do that, and I would hate it if it were my own daughter, etc. etc. etc... But there's this fear we have of women who truly own and control their sexuality. Men who do that for themselves are ♪players♫, right? We pretend that's an insult, but secretly we're throwing out high-fives in our heads. But a woman who does the same thing is a slut, or a whore, and there's nothing admirable behind that, is there? Settle down, Trimmer. This woman literally works in the sex industry. She exchanges sexual intimacy for financial gain. This arrangement makes her a whore by definition. I think you should save your views for the next time you see a woman being shamed for playing the field and being adventurous. There's nothing wrong with a woman putting herself out there into the world and getting around a bit. But we're talking about something else entirely. She's an easy target for what? For being observed to be exactly what she is? You're completely right in several ways. Any prostitute, or even escorts who operate through sugar daddy websites are frequently targeted by men who have no problem brutalizing other women. Not to mention that women who work in the sex industry are typically far from in control of their sexuality. Sex workers are exploited. The strongest proponents out there who are against prostitution and human trafficking, including the United Nations, and various law enforcement agencies throughout the world would all argue that the sex industry is exploitative because it preys on people who do typically struggle with severe mental illness. You will find the vast majority of prostitutes have a history of trauma, and many experienced childhood sexual abuse. The latter of which is related to something known as re-victimization. It is a small minority of women who enter the industry with no serious baggage, making it likely that by going to a prostitute you would essentially be taking advantage of someone's pain. I'd even say it's willingly prolonging that pain. Clinicians are typically inclined to suspect immediately any prostitute suffers from severe psychiatric disorders. This subject comes up constantly, and judging by reactions from people such as yourself, I can tell that people don't realize what's going on, or they simply don't care. I have experience in the sex industry from the perspective of management. I know what I'm talking about. You are invested in letting women play the field without being shamed. I suggest that you keep these two topics separate in the future. The OP needs to reconcile the fact that he really didn't know his former spouse at all. This is why it's urgent to address any health concerns by being tested for STDs right away, but also take a moment to acknowledge that prostitution is not okay. Listing the reasons why you're better off without a relationship helps the situation sink in. I would think that her being a sugar daddy is right up there on the list. The OP deserves better and I hope that he knows it. Edited February 10, 2014 by ThatMan 2
Trimmer Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Settle down, Trimmer. Heh, other than the personal nature of that comment, I appreciate your thoughful response (also you, Downtown.) Indeed, I wasn't sure my whole thought process was completely valid, and just threw it out there for discussion, and I agree with many of your points. Let me narrow something down, though. Other than you and me and the OP and Downtown (who asserted that the attacks were coming from a very small contingent) I calculate that at least 28% of the posters on this thread (4 out of the other 14 who have participated) have imagined some kind of revenge or attack on her - outing her to family or job, smashing her current activities back in her face, walking up and publicly shaming her... Even you, in spite of your very apt comments that women in the sex industry are often targeted, brutalized, far from being in control of their sexuality (even those on sugar daddy websites, you said) and are at the very least victimized and exploited - even with all this sensitivity, you started out proudly and loudly labeling her as exactly what she is: a whore, and even though that technically meets your "by definition" condition, let's face reality: that's one of the the lowest, most insulting terms you could use, especially for someone who is exploited and victimized. So I agree with many of your points (and acknowledging you too in that, Downtown...), and have certainly realigned my perspective, but the one thing that remains: what is the impulse behind these attacks then? Why do we dehumanize a victim like this? 1
ThatMan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Sometimes people call women whores out of spite and anger to degrade them. There are also people who are sex trade workers: They're literally whores. You've clearly been here on a mission. I'm deliberately using this language because you seem to be doing everything within your power to not acknowledge the fact that she's a prostitute, whore, sex worker, whatever term you'd prefer. To you, she is a woman who is controlling her sexuality. To everyone else this is the most simplistic observation: She's supposedly an escort on a sugar baby website. I'm using the most literal definition of the word here.
stillafool Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I think if she is a grown woman it is none of your business. Sorry you're hurt but you don't know her reasons for doing this so leave her alone. I think it would really be low of you to send her folks any info about what she is doing. Also I imagine most prostitutes are in it for one reason only and that's the money.
Trimmer Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You've clearly been here on a mission. Ha! I'm glad my mission is so very clear to you - it would probably be good if I had a better idea of it myself. I'm just throwing out some ideas for consideration, and I appreciate the challenge in response. I'm deliberately using this language because you seem to be doing everything within your power to not acknowledge the fact that she's a prostitute, whore, sex worker, whatever term you'd prefer. Just to be clear, I fully acknowledge that she is a prostitute, sex worker - even whore, since that term seems to be your favorite. I'm not trying to avoid it at all - like you and "everyone else" I thought it went without saying, but if it will make you feel victorious, I'll gladly say it and give you the win. That doesn't eliminate my interest in the tendency among some posters to dehumanize her, and counsel "revenge" against her. To you, she is a woman who is controlling her sexuality. To everyone else this is the most simplistic observation: She's supposedly an escort on a sugar baby website. My point about her sexuality and the threat that it poses to the posters advocating revenge is not mutually exclusive with my acknowledgement that she is apparently working evenings as an escort, although I acknowledge that you may see those as incompatible in your view.
tlegend Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Personally, it's none of your business anymore what she does with her life. I'm not judging her. I simply don't care. Would I continue to be friends with her? Depends on how much I value her friendship. Can anyone other than yourself tell you how much value you put on that relationship? No, they can't. M 2 cents.
Trimmer Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My heart still aches and my mind is confused. I"m sure one day I'll be over this and be happy I dodged a bullet. Right now if feels as if the bullet pierced my heart. I'm sorry if my posts took your thread off track. I do note that you are definitely not dehumanizing her, most likely because you actually know her as a real human being, instead of just as a label like "whore." I'm sorry for your loss, and it does seem inexplicable, but do remember that her burden, her vice - whatever - isn't your load to carry. And I empathize with your feelings for her son - that must be especially hard, but if you need something to hold on to, realize that you never know what strength and character can grow from bad situations. Do you know if he has a father in his life? A social circle, extended family?
Author DrSanDiego Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Unfortunately this kid has no role model. His Dad lives 12 hours away and sees him 3 times a year. The kids grandparents live on the other side of the US. The kid really has no friends and spends much of his time away from school glued to an Xbox. I feel bad that his Mom does this type of work. I feel bad that she sells her body. I really feel bad that I knew nothing about this when we met. I just thought she was a pretty, normal down to earth girl. As much education as I have, I was ignorant of who she really was. I had absolutely no clue. She is free to do what she wants. I have no desire for revenge. I wish her and her son the very best. They need all the well wishes they can get. I will just chalk this up to a learning experience. Like Reagan used to say...."trust then verify"
KathyM Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 How sad for the child. No family involved in his daily life, and a mother who is out prostituting herself and neglecting the child. I know a woman who permanently lost custody of her son because she was involved in prostitution. Very sad that this woman is so damaged.
SoleMate Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I agree totally with Trimmer's well-reasoned and thoughtful posts. The viciousness and cruelty others have proposed - which BTW would only add to whatever burden the son is carrying - is sickening. "The woman sells sex, so.....ATTACK HER! Verbally, stalking, harassment, intimidation, threats, assault. Whatever grotesque harm you can imagine is just a great idea to discuss on line. "Also, women who sell sex are vulnerable mentally ill victims of abuse so....ATTACK THEM!" Did anyone suggest referring her to a counselor or social worker? Maybe intervening as a friend? Furthermore, where is the evidence that her 13-year-old son is neglected? What is worse.....selling sex or viciously plotting revenge and whipping up hatred against a woman who sells sex? And yes, according to the OP, her actions have qualified her to be called a WHORE. Final point, just because I've spoken up to defend a stranger against a sickening pile-on, don't think to accuse me personally of anything other than concern for justice and human empathy. Thank you.
KathyM Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I agree totally with Trimmer's well-reasoned and thoughtful posts. The viciousness and cruelty others have proposed - which BTW would only add to whatever burden the son is carrying - is sickening. "The woman sells sex, so.....ATTACK HER! Verbally, stalking, harassment, intimidation, threats, assault. Whatever grotesque harm you can imagine is just a great idea to discuss on line. "Also, women who sell sex are vulnerable mentally ill victims of abuse so....ATTACK THEM!" Did anyone suggest referring her to a counselor or social worker? Maybe intervening as a friend? Furthermore, where is the evidence that her 13-year-old son is neglected? What is worse.....selling sex or viciously plotting revenge and whipping up hatred against a woman who sells sex? And yes, according to the OP, her actions have qualified her to be called a WHORE. Final point, just because I've spoken up to defend a stranger against a sickening pile-on, don't think to accuse me personally of anything other than concern for justice and human empathy. Thank you. I agree that harrassing her, stalking her, or doing vengeful acts against her is certainly not helping her in any way, and is not appropriate. Women who sell sex have likely been victimized as children, with something like 75% reporting having been sexually or physically abused as a child. Some studies show the rate much higher, more into the 90% range. Every time she sells her body, she is being revictimized. This woman likely needs counseling. With the OP being an ex, it's questionable if she would consider any suggestion from him to get counseling, but perhaps it's worth a try. As far as the 13 year old, do you think it's good parenting to leave a 13 year old home alone at night while she visits her sugar daddies? Do you think it's a good role model for a child on how to treat women or to value one's body, to put it up for sale? We don't know how often she goes to see these men, but either way, it's going to have a negative effect on the son. 1
Author DrSanDiego Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I'm sure its not good for him to be left alone. Something I thought odd about the relationship with her son is that she never had a problem walking around naked in front of him. It may just be me but I never, ever wanted to see my Mom walking around naked. I never understood that and I was told it is just what she does. Like I said earlier, the kid just plays with the Xbox for hours and hours. I once couldn't get ahold of my ex one evening when we were supposed to go out. She told me she had gone to her girlfriends and was drinking wine in an area where cell service was limited. When I got to her house at 1am her kid was still up playing Xbox on a school night. Maybe that's not neglect but I wouldn't say it is good parenting either. Not my concern anymore.
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 And yes, according to the OP, her actions have qualified her to be called a WHORE. To try to bring the temperature down a bit, I just want to emphasize that it was pointed out to me (and I agree - I had given in to hyperbole in my original comments) that certainly not everyone in the thread has been attacking, and I especially want to reiterate that I don't believe I have seen the OP speak harshly of her, speak of revenge, or use the term "whore" about her. He spoke of his sadness and his own extreme reaction - to which he is absolutely entitled - but not with any sense of mean spirit towards her. Even in his anguish, I believe his was the most humane reaction to her... As far as the 13 year old, do you think it's good parenting to leave a 13 year old home alone at night while she visits her sugar daddies? Do you think it's a good role model for a child on how to treat women or to value one's body, to put it up for sale? We don't know how often she goes to see these men, but either way, it's going to have a negative effect on the son. Raising questions about unclear information (it wasn't until today that we knew that he had no father or other family involved) doesn't imply one is taking the opposite extreme position. In answer: no, I agree with you that I don't believe the scenario described represents good parenting and/or role modeling.
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