L11 Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 Okay, so i have a major problem- me and my stupid double standards. Im 25 and dating a girl the same age. We have been seeing eachother for about a month now and shes a great girl, intelligent, funny, independant and strong. I could see a great future with her. Ive been brought up in a culture that pretty much strongly implies women should be virgins until they are married- or atleast until they meet the man they are going to marry. The girl im with is the same background as me, the first girl ive ever dated that is the same background as mine and the im first person shes also dated the same background. And, well, she's not a virgin. I know, its crazy, im not a virgin either, ive had several intiminate relationships in the past. Its not like i expected her to be a virgin..i should know better than to think someone at 25 is definately a virgin, but knowing the kind of culture shes been brought up in...and having her confirm that shes not a virgin took me by surprise for some reason. We were having a discussion and it somehow lead to the topic of sex and intimacy, and she pretty much made it clear she wasnt a virgin. I was a bit taken aback at first and i probed further and she told me she had 2 partners in her past, both commited relationships...and i KNOW...god in this day and age to meet someone at 25 who has only slept with 2 people is a highly rare..right!? I started the questioning about the cultural thing and how her parents would have been if they knew etc etc...she got extremely offended and upset with me, telling me i had double standards and i was stuck in the 50's. She made it quite clear that this way of thinking from me is totally unacceptable to her and she doesnt want to see me if this is going to be my attitude. i never expected girls in the past to be virgins, but for some reason this stupid cultural attitude has been ingrained me and i cant escape it. I know a lot of girls the same background as me probably arent virgins, but i cant get over it, i really thought they would be for some reason. I dont want to lose this girl, but i cant get the thought out of my head that shes been brought up in this culture and went against it intentionally. its double standards and i know its stupid how do i get over it?!
qismat Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 the thing that scares me about dating a guy of the same ethnicity as me is that way too much focus ends up being placed on how we make sense b/c we're both of the same culture, and less on how our personalities themselves work together. honestly i think you know that its just something that you are just have to deal with and get over. one of my friends bf was kind of the same as you seem to be, he was no virgin himself, and it just bothered him so much that my friend was active with another guy before him. They used to fight about it, and she simply told him that it was a part of her, and who she has become, and thats its not fair for him to judge. anyway, it took him a while, but he did eventually get over it. he also admitted to the double standards, and knew it was unfair. I honestly suggest you do some serious thinking on your own part and try to put less pressure on her just because of the cultural values you think should be instilled in her, that she went against. I know you know this, but her culture is not simply her ethnic culture - its a combination of that and the western culture. Its not so black and white, and trust me i do think you'll be able to get through the double standards. trust me i know where it comes from as any of us being raised in sort of the mix generations of two cultures always find clashes and patches that are little harder to identify. take some time to evaluate why you feel this way and are having a hard time dealing with it. and honestly just think of all the reasons that you having these double standards may be wrong, especially b/c you are not a virgin, and because it didn't bother you before with girls of a different culture. just think of all those reasons and really try to identify with them. treat her as any other girl, dont put so much emphasis on the cultural similarities in that sense.
Author L11 Posted January 16, 2005 Author Posted January 16, 2005 thanks for the words of wisdom.. I dont know how im going to get my head around it, i dont know how to get past it!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 I really understand this one, from the other side though. I was raised in a very old fashioned European environment - I was supposed to grow up to be a good stay at home wife/mother. Unfortunately that is not how my life turned out - I became a fairly successful career women, with very traditional values at home. A very contrary almost split personality! What we all need to recognize is that despite our cultural upbrining, we were not raised in that type of world. We make choices that were not even available to prior generations, it is part of who we are. Having said that our values and culture are also part of who we are - and we don't just throw them away. There is no reason to hold those we love to an unreasonable standard given today's society - if we do that we may never find a suitable partner. You need to look at this woman, as she is, and determine if this is what you want in your life, based on the future, NOT her past. Can you and she build the life you envision for yourself? Does she share your values about marriage and kids? These are the important questions - the rest is history. I wish you the very best of luck reconciling yourself to this one, its a doozy.
moimeme Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 but for some reason this stupid cultural attitude has been ingrained me and i cant escape it. You can do anything you put your mind to. However if you tell yourself you 'can't escape it', that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Face it, you're going to have a *very* hard time finding yourself a virgin unless you start going after kids. So you have a vested interest in adjusting your attitude because whether it's this gal or another, the issue will be the same. I suspect you're just jealous that you can't 'own' her virginity or that she might *gasp* compare you to others. Get over it and move on.
Author L11 Posted January 19, 2005 Author Posted January 19, 2005 She has told me she is really surprised at my reaction and that she is extremely annoyed at me for it, since i am no virgin myself. Shes basically said she wants to be with someone who is openminded and accepts her for who she is..she hasnt got any regrets about her past, and why should she? she hasnt done anything wrong..its my problem and the culture ive been brought up in. But yea, she has pretty much told me if this is my reaction to something like this, then she doesnt wana stick around for my reaction on other things, like jealousy towards male friends and probing her about the past. She had a bad experience with a really overly jealous and controlling ex and i think shes scared the sames gona happen with us. Ive thought long and hard about it, and i know so many girls around me (hell, even my sisters) might not be virgins- it doenst make them bad people.. my ex-gfs werent virgins and i loved them 100%. I just need to re-adjust my thinking on the entire issue i think. but i think my initial reaction has scared her that i might bring it up and throw it back in her face...*Sigh*..
tanbark813 Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 Does the fact that you're not a virgin affect how you feel about her? Does it make you less worthy to be with her? Are you ashamed of yourself for what you've done in the past? If the answer is 'no' to all those, then why would what your gf has done have any impact on your relationship with her. And yes, 2 people before you is nothing for a 25 year old. But to go off on a tangent, while I agree that her not being a virgin is your issue, it does seem a little odd that she's this upset about it (unless you phrased things poorly). It seems like she's getting a little *too* defensive. Maybe that's a family or culture issue, who knows..
joeyNoelle Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 The point to focus on here is that she is with you now not them..... regardless of whether they slept together or not the relationship didn't work so it ended and now she is with you and so far its working, but if you keep letting this get to you she will move on and sleep with someone else again so its your choice....Either let it go or let her go... It really is a choice you make whether to hold onto something or not and at the end of the day is it worth breaking up a relationship over.?.. we all have pasts and while you don't want to hear about it in too much detail its stil there but it makes them the person they are today ... so you should appreciate that.
Author L11 Posted January 19, 2005 Author Posted January 19, 2005 I just spoke to her about it..and she pretty much said: 1. she was offended by my reaction, coz it seems like im applying a set of rules to her that are differnet from other girls in the past. 2. im not a virgin, in fact im far from it and im being a hypocrite. 3. she hasnt got a lewd past in any way and my reaction and probing questions made her feel as if she should be ashamed of things that she doesnt think are shameful. 4. she doesnt want to be with someone who gets easily jealous and controlling (like i said, she dated a jerk for a year that was really controlling and jealous). 5.she really likes me a lot and she is surprised someone growing up in our generation could be narrowed minded about something that they themselves have engaged in. i explained myself and told her, yes, i did jump the gun and react in a silly way and im sorry... i dont blame her for being upset now ive realised that i dont want to lose her because i like her great deal, i can move past this issue, in fact, i wish i hadnt made such a fuss in the first place because im fine with it now pretty much. now im just scared shes not going to want to be with me because shes going to think im a overly-critical jerk
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