neongem Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 my situation is complicated (weird, right?) and I really just need some advice on how to cope and what my best move here is. So I have been seeing my ex for 6 months now (with one couple week break bc I couldn't handle his situation) and things are (and always have been) really intense. We dated years and years ago for 4yrs and then a couple years of sleeping together on and off. And while I don't want to dwell on our past relationship (because this one has been so different) I do want to note that he wasn't all that faithful but I also played a lot of emotional blackmail and was going through life stuff that was better suited for people twice my age at the time (death of a parent being one major one). Anyway, the first go round was a mess. We were madly in love with each other but way too young to handle the feelings and neither of us was ok with settling down so young. So, after we officially broke up but continued to sleep together he started dating this other girl (4 years younger than us) and I knew he was cheating on her with me, but frankly didn't care, I was there first and had been for years and years. He continued to date this girl but they had a very tumultuous relationship, he complained to me about it a lot and I know they broke up and got back together a million times. Personally, I think he has some issues being single but there are worse traits to have. Anyway, he really stayed with her for so long because he had fallen in love with her son; he was born to be a father, and I knew that about him from the time we started dating as teenagers. Their cycle of break-up and make-up continued for 2-3 yrs and I was in the picture in and out the whole time (all behind her back and while I was dating a lot of other people, but never exclusive with anyone). During one of their longer bouts apart from each other she decided to stop taking her birth control and get pregnant with his baby, I think she knew he would never abandon his kids. So she got pregnant and he got a paternity test and low and behold, he now has a daughter. Daughter is almost almost 2 at this point and this brings us to the present. We have been seeing each other again for 6 months and I have made it abundantly clear I will not be his 'other' woman for very long and I will be patient with him while he gets his ducks in a row to leave because his situation is really complicated as his baby mama is useless and crazy and in our state mom's don't lose custodial parenting rights unless there is a serious criminal record or addiction present. Plus he is worried for the older son he loves as his own but has no rights to. Anyway, I really do believe that he means what he says. He loves me and always has, and when he says he is leaving regardless but it would be amazing to have me when he makes it there, I believe him. I would have never ever seen myself being in this OW position, it's really out of character, but I do feel more justified since their relationship has become a matter of financial/custodial convenience rather than love or affection. They no longer have a sex life, what little they had before we started seeing each other he ended (or so he has told me) around the time we started this A. I do believe he is going to get out of this situation and I do believe he will marry me and we can build a family together because we talk about it all the time. We both know we were made for each other, that I have no doubts. But my question, and where I need some help/guidance: How do you ladies do this??? How do you not go crazy and resent your bf? How do you maintain patience with the situation when you know you're better than this but life is not as it should be sometimes? Some days I feel confident and no doubts go through my head or heart at all, and other days, those feelings of 'what if he is lying through his teeth??' 'what if he just plans to use me as a coping mechanism to keep from rocking the boat at home' and 'what exactly is the timeline here??' and 'why the hell am I putting myself in this position, love or not, this sucks!' ...these thoughts/feelings creep in and take over. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 those feelings of 'what if he is lying through his teeth??' 'what if he just plans to use me as a coping mechanism to keep from rocking the boat at home' and 'what exactly is the timeline here??' and 'why the hell am I putting myself in this position, love or not, this sucks!' ...these thoughts/feelings creep in and take over. You should be thinking this as there's a very good chance that's actually what is happening. Doesn't take away what he feels for you or what you feel for him, but he has a child with someone, (please don't call her baby mama, they are a couple, obviously he loved her enough to be with her, move in with her and start a family with her) she may have issues, but she has 2 kids and both of those kids he loves.. a lot. I say, leave him alone, totally back off and give him time to figure it out. No sex, no intimacy, check in once a week through phone calls. Don't see him, date him or anything. He HAS to make a life changing decision that affects two kids, as well as his girlfriend, mother of his child. That won't be easy at all. Let him end it with her and be on his own, get used to all the adjustments and changes that will be happening if they do split up. And remember, this woman will always be a part of his life because of his child and step child.
Author neongem Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 I know that what you're saying is probably the right thing to do, but I'm totally unable to stay away from him. We have so much history and it's not a matter of making a decision, the decision has been made, he is working with his lawyer behind her back documenting her outbursts and she has been going out every weekend so he is hoping she will meet someone else and go without causing a scene, which is really what is making him plan/act so strategically; he doesn't know what she is capable of. I feel a sense of obligation to be there and support him through this if we are going to have a life together after, do I not? Maybe I should stop with the intimacy and keep him at more of a distance, but I don't now how I can be strong enough to live one foot in, one foot out when it comes to him. Cutting it off all together I might be able to survive, but pretending to be friends seems impossible. And I don't want to cut him off, I know he needs someone to lean on.
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