Ex Called, would really appreciate support

[mantlefan]

Hi all, I am sorry about the length but I would really appreciate some support. I feel like I am taking steps back faster than forward, even though it;s been forward for awhile now.

 

My ex volunteers for the nonprofit I work at. She called me tonight with some business questions. I haven't talked to her in a month since I found out, 5 months after she dumped me, that she was going after my friend almost right after she dumped me.

 

She acted, right after the breakup, like we still could be friends and that she might get back together with me. She even stayed up late talking with me trying to explain why our 5 year relationship ended I told her she was a good friend for explaining. This went on about 2 months, and I called her 2 months after that to see where she was at (well before I found this site), when she said she was not in love with me and never wanted to get back togther. It took her 4 months to tell me that. Little did I know she probably knew that at least 3 months before she actuall told. She even came over to hang out. She told me, to my face, that she and my "friend" weren't starting anything, and I believed her. I should have been suspicious when I would invite her over for parties and she would only come when he was there. She completely used me to spend more time with him. Eventually, he gave in to her advances, and now they are together.

 

Anyways, I answered the questions, and as soon as I sensed there was no more business, I told her I had to go and next time she should email instead of calling. She said something about how she wanted to contact me then so she could still have time to relay the information. She might have been telling the truth, but it's amazing how I went from trusting her completely 8 months ago to now thinking 90% of what she says is a lie.

 

I was having fun playing a video game before she called, being distracted, not really thinking about her (I still think about her whenever I am idle; in the shower, in bed, in my dreams, while driving). I had a good day, applied for a job, had an OK workout, had a good meal, and got a lot done at work. I had thought earlier today how I wanted her to know how bad she hurt me, and how, when I told her that she was being a good friend to me the couple times we talked after the breakup, I was completely wrong, because she was lying to me for almost all of what she said.

 

I am starting to get angry that she will walk away thinking she was so great and so nice and such a good person for how she handled this, when I think deep down she would realize she KNEW that lying to me was only going to hurt me more in the long run, but she did it anyways so she didn't have to feel bad for telling me the ugly truth. And I HELPED her avoid facing her conscience by THANKING her for her LIES because I thought they were the truth.

 

Anyways, I got off the phone and was actually shaking a bit, on the verge of really crying. I have barely cried in the past few weeks. I vented to my female friend because I was so messed up. This friend then told me she got a tipsy text from my ex on Friday. My ex said in this text to my female friend that she was going to have sex with the (male) "friend" she left me for, that they had protection and were going to go through with it. My GF told me we were not going to have sex until we were married, and I respected that. She then says she is going to give up her virginity to the guy she dumped me for, lied to me and her other friends about, asked some of her friends to keep secret from me, and has only really been together with officially for a couple months after being with me for three years?

 

Well, my female friend says she called my ex, and my ex was just joking to get a reaction out of my female friend. My ex says she knows what she wants and it's not sex. The fact that she was thinking about it enough to joke about it though, really hurts.

 

I know it's not my business who she does or doesn't have sex with, but there are two things here. 1. It hurts, not that she might or might not be having sex with this guy, but because that was something that I was looking forward to sharing with her for our life together that is never going to happen, and that she acted like she was going to casually give it up to her new boyfriend. It's like I was nothing to her after 5 years and this guy is so totally worth it after a few months. 2. The female friend she told has a tendency to talk too much. She is a very sweet girl who just can't keep a secret. I feel like part of the reason my ex texted my friend is because she thought it would make it to me eventually. Am I being crazy in thinking my ex still thinks about me enough to want to hurt me like that?

[Chi townD]

My question is, when she called and you saw the number, why didn't you let it go to voicemail?

 

That is part of NC you know.....

[mantlefan]

That is a fair question. I have her blocked on my cell, facebook, personal email. She called on my work landline. I am being honest when I say I do not know if I decided to pick up the phone before or after the number registered as to who it was.

 

 

We have had a couple work emails, and those weren't so bad. This was devastating. What really bugs me is that she started it off by saying "I know you probably don't want to talk to me..." which made me think of all the reasons why I really DON'T want to talk to her. Maybe if she just started right off with the work topic, it would have been better.

 

 

I know I will be more cautious now when picking up the phone, although I doubt she will call again. I think she knows she got a rise out of me. I tried to play it cool, but nobody can get to me like that b**** can.

[mantlefan]

OK, so she told me on the phone about a problem with the website of our organization. I emailed her and said I saw no such problem. She explained it further, and I realized she probably has some adware issues.

 

 

Now, helping her won't help the organization's site at all. I don't want her to think that I am totally cool and over everything she did, and I think that telling her she has adware.

 

 

I really do support NC in theory, but this organization is almost like what a child would be for other ex-couples. And when I come across a chance to easily help another human being, even if it is her, can I really just say "eh, screw her?"

[Chi townD]

This was devastating. What really bugs me is that she started it off by saying "I know you probably don't want to talk to me..." which made me think of all the reasons why I really DON'T want to talk to her. Maybe if she just started right off with the work topic, it would have been better.

 

 

 

 

I would have said, "You're right." and hung up.

 

But, that's just me.

[Chi townD]

I really do support NC in theory, but this organization is almost like what a child would be for other ex-couples. And when I come across a chance to easily help another human being, even if it is her, can I really just say "eh, screw her?"

 

 

Why not! She said, "Eh, screw him!" and went after your friend without any regard for your feelings.

 

So, you want to know why she called instead of emailing you? Because she can't gage how much you hate her through an email. She's emailed you in the past and you kept it professional. Can't gage anything from that....

 

By hearing the tone in your voice would give her an idea. She figured enough time has past to see if you still held a grudge.

[Jord11]

Why would she have the nerve to call you after what she did leaving you for a friend, it's all games man, I know it will be hard but move on from this and let another women appreciate you, you don't need games and you're feelings hurt from a girl like this, stay no contact for you're well being move on from this girl quick I know it's tough I'm currently in 1 year no contact with my ex, you should do the same

[TaraMaiden]

Next time she calls you, tell her to 'ring someone else', and hang up.

 

personal calls are not to be entertained and she is not to be engaged in one.

 

Business calls are not necessary and she can probably get the info elsewhere.

[hea]

just let go of her. She calls, ignore, she tries to get a rise, ignore. Just ignore anything she does, even stop talking about her, if someone tries to tell you what shes been up to say, 'I don't care' and MEAN IT. If she wants to sleep with your mate, so what? She is obviously not the same person you fell in love with. Let go of it. just tell your sell so what?

 

 

She choose not to be apart of your life anymore, what's happened has happened. There is no need to tell her that you think shes a liar. Be the bigger person, and just let go of the whole situation and concentrate on other things that make you happy.

[Simon Phoenix]

OK, so she told me on the phone about a problem with the website of our organization. I emailed her and said I saw no such problem. She explained it further, and I realized she probably has some adware issues.

 

 

Now, helping her won't help the organization's site at all. I don't want her to think that I am totally cool and over everything she did, and I think that telling her she has adware.

 

 

I really do support NC in theory, but this organization is almost like what a child would be for other ex-couples. And when I come across a chance to easily help another human being, even if it is her, can I really just say "eh, screw her?"

 

Being a nice guy doesn't mean being a pushover dude.

[pickflicker]

OK, so she told me on the phone about a problem with the website of our organization. I emailed her and said I saw no such problem. She explained it further, and I realized she probably has some adware issues.

 

 

Now, helping her won't help the organization's site at all. I don't want her to think that I am totally cool and over everything she did, and I think that telling her she has adware.

 

 

I really do support NC in theory, but this organization is almost like what a child would be for other ex-couples. And when I come across a chance to easily help another human being, even if it is her, can I really just say "eh, screw her?"

 

Yes. Is she on fire, and you're the only person with a bucket of water? No? Then she can call someone else.

[mantlefan]

Thanks for all the replies. I deleted the short email draft telling her she had adware. She'll survive, and I guess if the small amount of work would do her some good, it would do more harm in how I would probably analyze the situation and give myself one more thing to think about regarding her. I already spent way too much time trying to break down the phone conversation and figure out what she meant by __________ or how I sounded when I said_____________.

[fixing]

Your female friend isnt doing you any favours telling you about your ex wanting sex with this other idiot.... Either tell her to cut that **** out now or you will distance yourself from her completely.

 

There's no point agonizing over her motives, if i were to hazard a guess, she probably did relay that info to your female friend knowing it 'could' get back to you, she has nothing to lose by doing so and because of your strict no contact up until this phonecall, she was probably irritated that you weren't chasing her.

 

I say if she calls the landline again, simply say 'please dont call this number, bye.

 

She's a class A bitch for what she did to you, and this friend of yours (her new bf) is nothing but a tramp.

 

Take better steps to protect yourself from any interactions with them pricks.

 

Start off like i said before with telling your female friend you do not want to hear **** about them anymore

[mantlefan]

Yeah, I think if I came on stronger about it to my female friend, she would stop telling me things like that. I must admit I am pretty lukewarm when I tell her I don't want to hear any more about it, because part of me does. I gotta wonder if it was eating her up not telling me, but honestly I don't know why my friend even still bothers with my ex. I don't see why she would still want to be friends with her, but that is explicitly not my business.

 

 

I don't hate my ex. I don't even need to try not to, I just don't. What's really killing me though is how I finally stopped asking myself why all the time, for a while: Why did she give up on me? Why did she lie to me for months? Why did she act like she still cared about me? Why did she act like she might want to get back together?

 

 

I realized I stopped asking "why" to all those questions because I had a cohesive explanation. It wasn't because I didn't care why, it's because I thought I knew why. Now that I have a new "why" question, it's clear to me that instead of getting answers, I need to stop obsessing about why. But I am so lost as to how to do that.

 

 

I hope that is what NC does, you just stop caring over time. I am hoping there is some point in the future where I can gracefully quit this job and never see her again. I need to get slapped for saying this, but part of me still wants to reconcile with her. The part of me that isn't an idiot wants to cut her out of my life and never hear anything about her again.

[Mondmellonw]

Thanks for all the replies. I deleted the short email draft telling her she had adware. She'll survive, and I guess if the small amount of work would do her some good, it would do more harm in how I would probably analyze the situation and give myself one more thing to think about regarding her. I already spent way too much time trying to break down the phone conversation and figure out what she meant by __________ or how I sounded when I said_____________.

You're over thinking, and I confess I am still in that same track, it's just the same sin.

Yes, she is trying to have some control, and play it cool by looking like "nothing ever really happened here". You don't deserve that, but I know how you feel, so please, just be quick and polite if she contacts you again for work.

Also: Ask your friend to not tell you any other thing about her. I know you might be curious and it's hard not to feel that way. But myself, I told a friend immediately after he spelled my ex's name that I didn't wanted to know. And it felt great. lol

 

 

(Of course I'm still curious, meh... But at least I had the power to decide I didn't wanted to know about him and ruin myself again).

[mantlefan]

You're over thinking, and I confess I am still in that same track, it's just the same sin.

Yes, she is trying to have some control, and play it cool by looking like "nothing ever really happened here". You don't deserve that, but I know how you feel, so please, just be quick and polite if she contacts you again for work.

Also: Ask your friend to not tell you any other thing about her. I know you might be curious and it's hard not to feel that way. But myself, I told a friend immediately after he spelled my ex's name that I didn't wanted to know. And it felt great. lol

 

 

(Of course I'm still curious, meh... But at least I had the power to decide I didn't wanted to know about him and ruin myself again).

 

 

Thanks. If I get any more contact I will dismiss her a quickly as possible without being mean.

[mantlefan]

Letter to my ex, posting here instead of sending:

 

When I got sick, you didn't have anyone to hang out with so you went over to our "friend's" house, the one you ended up leaving me for, to eat dinner with his family. I didn't think anything of it. I trusted you.

 

When I came into the basement of the rec building and saw you two talking, I didn't think anything of it. I trusted you.

 

When another of our friends said that it was weird how much you and the friend you left me for were hanging out, I defended you! I stood up for you, because I trusted you.

 

When some of our supervisors claimed this "friend" wasn't putting in enough hours, I defended him! I didn't know for sure if he did, but I trusted him and went out on a limb for him!

 

When you broke up with me and I asked you if the kids issue was the only reason and you said yes, even though you hesitated, I believed you. I trusted you.

 

When you told me you still cared about me, I trusted that you meant it.

 

When you told me that you were still thinking about whether we'd get back together, I trusted that you meant it.

 

When you told me that you and our "friend" were not starting anything, I trusted you, even though you had already started pursuing him 2 weeks before.

 

When you told me that you wanted to wait to have sex until we were married, I respected that and trusted you, for 5 years. Now, 2 months into dating this guy, you send a "joke" text to my best friend saying you are going to give it up. I remember when your principles meant something to you. You don't deserve it, but I have concern for you. I hope you stop and think about how much you are rushing everything. Going after the first guy who was nice to you during our first real fight in 5 years,

 

When I invited you over, trying to be friends (yeah, I had no idea what I was doing, but you knew exactly why you came), I trusted that you showed up to hang out with our mutual friends. I know now that you used me to hang out with my "friend" you left me for, who also didn't tell me what was going on between you two.

 

When you told me the reasons why you didn't want to get back together, I trusted that you were telling the real reasons, not that you were hiding the truth about my "friend."

 

I trusted you. I would have done anything to be there for you. 5 years together, and that means nothing to you. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. Why should I trust anyone again? You were really wonderful once. I still love someone, but maybe it's not you. Maybe it's just who you used to be. I understand that you might be reeling right now. You are being reckless. I want to help you, I want you to find peace and I want to help with that. But maybe the person I want to help is who you are used to be, and that person is gone forever. I hope the person that you are right now still has a lot of the things that made the person I knew wonderful, and that you are just going through a really rough, confused patch.

 

You don't believe anything I tell you it seems (which is almost funny because you don't believe my truth and I believed all of your lies for so long), but I really mean it when I say it does no one any good to think that the way you went about all this was even remotely OK. I don't want you to feel guilty forever or even for very long, but if you don't realize that all your lies and manipulation of me was wrong, how can you grow? How is internalizing and rationalizing that going to affect your own kids and your students? I don't want to know if you're sorry. I just want you to know that what you did was wrong. I want you to see what you really did, and I want you to forgive yourself. I saw how bad I could get when I sent those awful letters to you. I think you need to look at how bad you can get, by looking at all these lies you told.

[Chi townD]

Dude, if you're working in close proximity to them, I seriously hope that you've dusted off that resume and are looking for a new job. The longer you stay there, the more you're going to hear about them.

 

Time to move on. Get those resumes out there.

[mantlefan]

My ex found out I am applying for jobs, and asked me about a particular one that would cut short my employment with the organization we are both involved with. She asked me about it, and the only details I gave were those that had to do how it affected the organization.

 

 

Part of me wanted to give her more details so that she would see that I am getting my life together and I am far better than the shell of a man who allowed himself to be absolutely devastated when she dumped me. But that doesn't do anyone any good.

 

 

I thought about telling her that I was not ignoring her question about the type of job it was, just that beyond how it affects our current organization, that information is personal. But it's better to just not mention why I didn't answer her question fully, I think.

[fancy feast]

My ex found out I am applying for jobs, and asked me about a particular one that would cut short my employment with the organization we are both involved with. She asked me about it, and the only details I gave were those that had to do how it affected the organization.

 

 

Part of me wanted to give her more details so that she would see that I am getting my life together and I am far better than the shell of a man who allowed himself to be absolutely devastated when she dumped me. But that doesn't do anyone any good.

 

 

I thought about telling her that I was not ignoring her question about the type of job it was, just that beyond how it affects our current organization, that information is personal. But it's better to just not mention why I didn't answer her question fully, I think.

 

Nah man, you did good. Keep it professional. She's your colleague now.