SpiritBeing Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Hi guys New to this forum. My life is a mess right now My girl is gone and she's not coming back. I keep blaming myself. It's not all my fault, others have seen it and told me that. But this guilt complex is driving me insane. I can't go into details because it would take a day. This has been raging back and forth for a month now. I know she still has feelings for me. I have feelings for her as well. But I no longer see any hope at all in us being reunited. The pain is seriously unreal. It's made me change my outlook and goals in life completely. To something more comfortable. This is partly in the hope of accommodating her and partly due to the lessons I've learned from this break up through self analysis of what I really want in life. The only thing keeping me going is that we might be back together again. She's hurting too. But this hope is false. Or atleast I think it. I'm sorry I can't go into details. I'm seriously tired and I'd probably miss a load of stuff out anyway. There's no one else involved. She doesn't have feelings for anyone else. This is one of the few certainties I have. She's insecure, like I am. She says a lot of stuff she doesn't mean, like I do. I can't be sure of her true motives. The fact she's hard to read at times contributed to this situation. But it doesn't matter. Cause she's gone and I don't think she will change her mind now. Atleast not for a long time. I need tips on how to heal a broken heart, and how to get rid of this guilt. I loved her deep and because of all this I blame myself fully. Even tho I know this is partly her doing as well. Practical advice would be good. What I can do in my spare time. To keep my mind off of her. Especially useful would be how to get rid of hope, because I now think all it's doing is prolonging this dark hole that I'm in. Thanks for taking the time to read.
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Who dumped who? If she dumped you, than I would speculate there IS someone else. Or there will be shortly. Not trying to bust your chops, but a dumpee stating there is no one else, is total BS and more common than you think. It just something they say. They ALL say... Hope is going to slowly drive you insane. If I were you, I would try to kill that hope any way you can. It won't help you in the long run. Distract yourself with anything. Netflix has so many series to watch. Books about recovery. Get outside and do something fun, etc...
sportzhl24 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I know exactly what you are going through. I was overwhelmed with guilt when I lost my ex and it almost killed me. I know it is very tough right now. And I know your thoughts are probably consumed by her, but you have learn to change how you react to your thoughts. How you deal with them. Thoughts do not just go away by themselves; they take time. But it is important to recognize that thoughts are just thoughts. You can learn to select which ones you would like to dwell on (which ones have merit), and which ones don't. For me, that has been an important part of healing. As for practical advice, dude you have got to stay busy. Keep moving. Tire yourself out with exercise, learning, practicing.....whatever. Stay afloat. Learn to let go. Lastly there is a website that a LS member created that is so clutch....maybe somebody can give you the link because I don't have it. But it details how you can recover from heartbreak. It helped me greatly. Stay strong bro
Author SpiritBeing Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Thanks guys. If there's one thing I've learnt from this situation so far is that talking with people is so helpful. Especially my mom, she's the main one keeping my head straight at the minute. She's also helped me see the negatives in my girl's (ex-girl's) personality which has helped to subdue the guilt somewhat. A lot of my friends have said this as well; they say she's bad for me. They say I just can't see it. I feel differently of course, but maybe it's just my familiarity with her, and the deep love I have for her. I know time will let me know either way, but it's just this pain I'm trying to deal with at the minute. I know her friend's have tried to speak with her about it. I spoke to her best friend a few days ago, and she say's its a real shame. I know that my (ex) girl has even been lashing out at her friends. It's quite one sided, almost everyone in my life is saying to me "she's not worth it", and the reverse is true of her. At least the people I'm aware of in her life. I know her family are pissed at me, but even then, there's division within her family, some are pro-me and some are anti-me, and then some are indifferent. It's quite complicated. She's quite a family orientated girl, very close to her grandma. And her mom. I think her mom is one of the driving forces behind her decision to split with me. Her grandma on the other hand, is quite sympathetic to me. The dumping was sort of mutual, at least in the beginning. We basically had an argument at my place, she walked out on me. Normally when this happens, I'll chase after her, kiss her, apologise. I didn't this time. I just wasn't in the mood. My pride was holding me back, and I was just getting pissed off at her. We didn't contact for over a week. I initiated contact. Basically continued the argument we had left off with. As this continued though, I started feeling more and more guilty and sort of came round to her point of view. But by this point, she was saying things like she doesn't want to give me "false expectations" of getting back together. Said she wanted space. The alarm bells in my head started ringing at this point. And I started to chase her, try to prove my love for her. I know my sins, compared to some guys, are very minor. I haven't cheated on her. I've always tried to treat her right. I know I could have treated her better, and I know it's because I was away lot, chasing my ambitions, she probably felt put aside. And I deeply apologised for upsetting her and making her feel second best. But it just wasn't good enough for her. In the end, what I was doing was wrong, not just for us, but for me. I've told her this, my new view on life, my new goals. But she say's she doesn't trust me. A similar thing has happened in the past. But the circumstances were a lot different. We got back together, but nothing really changed. I certainly didn't change how I viewed us, or my own life. I think that's why she's doing this now. She feels like she doesn't want to get hurt again. She has straight admitted to me that she's needy, so I can imagine how she's viewing this. But I also feel like though she's sensed a real change in me now. I think she is very confused. Admittedly, even I'm surprised at the sort of things I'm thinking and feeling about now. I feel like a totally different person to how I was a month ago. It's been like 10 years of changes in 30 days. I know I have a biased opinion here, but there's no one else with her at the minute. Whether that happens in the near future is impossible to say. She's quite a chaste girl, and she isn't the type to start sleeping around with anyone. And I don't think she's in the right emotional state right now. She doesn't know a lot of guys and she doesn't go out much. She's very attractive and I know she's been approached by a lot of guys since we've split, but I doubt anyone of those is really what she's after. Then again, there could be this Prince Charming making his moves that I'm unaware of. But like I say, unlikely, at least at the moment. I know she's lonely, she even met up with me outside my house about 2 weeks ago. She kissed me. She hugged me. But she said it was the wrong thing to do. I agree with her there. That incident certainly has not helped me. She has kissed another guy. At a bar the last time she went out, which was about 3 weeks ago now during the period where we wasn't talking at all. I know he isn't what she's looking for, and I know he kind of came on to her. When I found that out, I nearly broke down completely. But I know I need to stop worrying about that now. No one will replace me in her heart. I was her first love. I wouldn't say this ended badly, it could of ended a lot worse. It's certainly not been an agreeable split though She's been reluctant to say it's over. Even when I've said to her that I know she's just letting me down gently, so she might as well just come up front and say it, it's always been forced. Always sort of said it just to get me to leave her alone. I've disrespected that, and in fairness I have harassed her a bit. Partly because of the pain I've been feeling, and partly because I thought I could show her dedication by me chasing her so persistently. Still, I recognise this as another mistake on my part. I should of just left her alone, despite the intense drive to see her again. Let the situation play out. This is contributing to my idea of hope. Looking at the situation logically, I know she's just trying to figure out herself. She has a lot of pressure in her life at the minute unrelated to me. I think this argument and break up we've had has knocked us both about to the point where we're both completely irrational. Still, I don't want hope. I'm trying to convince myself of the opposite. That's she's not the one for me. Even though out of everyone we have ever know, both my friends and her friends, none of them have had a relationship so long lasting, and so close. Hope is killing me though, especially since it's such a slim hope. But it's there regardless. I think she feels the same way. She just feels more justified in not having any hope, giving her the power to do this. I know she loves me deeply. I know she feels like I've betrayed her trust. But I'm just so willing to make the proper amends. I know what she wants now, which is total commitment. I was just unwilling to do that. I'm 21, and in fairness commitment, even with her, wasn't something I really wanted to think about. The problem is that since my views on life have changed so drastically recently, I can't justify past problems for ending it with her. She is a real nice girl, and I'd find it hard to find someone with the same qualities. Obviously it's not impossible, and maybe it would even do me some good. But I kind of felt this was star-crossed. No doubt romanticising about the situation isn't helping, and I should just cut it off. Focus on the negatives. There are certain things about her that not a lot of guys would tolerate, at least from my experience of viewing other relationships. She's aware of this. None of her close friends have ever had anything on the scale that we had. We've often spoke about this when we were still together. I don't know what will happen in the future. The way she is at the minute and what her friends have told me, she doesn't know what she wants. It would be very hard for her to find someone to replace me so quickly. And I'm not saying that cause I think I'm the best guy in the world, but because her idea of a guy is based more on hollywood romance than real life experience. I was her first proper relationship, and she was mine. She doesn't have a lot of experience. Neither do I. The fact that I didn't give her the space she requested has probably contributed to the desperate situation it is now, but logically, it's not dead. And since I can't feel it's dead, it's so hard to just forget about her. The hope of us getting back together is probably like 0.1% now, but until it's zero, there's no closure for me. A very foolish outlook I know. I'll just have to manage it as best I can The very last time I contacted her, via voice mail, I gave her my take on the situation. I admitted I had made some serious mistakes, and I said that I still loved her so much. But I gave my reasons as to why she's wrong about me, and how she has this situation very twisted. Which she has. Some of the things she's said, both to me and publicly on social networks, are straight up contradictions. I had to stand my ground. I feel like I've humiliated myself by begging, and I had to set that straight. Still, I don't think anything will come of it. I have been using this situation positively. It's been so tough, believe me. But I've been working out a lot more, and I'm seeing massive benefits. Not only in my strength, but in my looks. The love handles are almost gone, and although I've always been fairly muscular, now it shows through a lot more. I've always wanted to get rid of the flab, and I think this time I'll do it. Positive number one. Positive number two. Some of the stupid **** I was doing in my own personal life, I've now realised as being such. I've really figured myself out now. I feel like I've matured massively. All of this self-analysing, and seeing what's realistic. Positive number three. I will never repeat the same mistake with a girl again. Ever. If I think the girl is needy, I know what I need to do. And if I'm not prepared to do it with that girl, then I need to end it before the attachment grows too late. Positive number four, is that I know this love isn't dead, and that in the end, I've fought bravely. I fought hard for her, so hard it's almost driven me insane. But you can't make up someone else's mind for them. I don't mind compromising in a situation. but I can't compromise myself completely. She is wrong in saying some of the thing's she has said about this situation, and she has basically blamed me completely for a joint mistake. She hasn't apologised once, and some of the thing's she has said during our various arguments recently have been absolutely horrible. And she know's I'm hurt. But that's not motivated her once to say sorry. In the end, I know I've done my best. I could of done better sure, but then again, there is ALWAYS room for improvement in everything. I get the feeling that once she's calmed down and not heard from me for a few weeks, she might change how she's thinking. Especially if that Prince Charming guy still hasn't appeared. But that's no use to me, I need to get on with my life and it's not fair for me to just wait for her. Especially since I might be waiting forever I hope this clarifies a few things. I've tried to give as balanced a picture as I can.
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