"i've been hurt b4, and am not ready to get into anything serious"- cliche copout????

[qismat]

I was just wondering what you guys would think if a guy said that to you, is it just simply 'he's not that into you', or do you think there are times when maybe they just seriously are not ready?

 

kind of a vague question, but I have only really fell for one guy so far to the extent that he made my knees weak, and my heart melt. But he had given me the i've been hurt before and am not looking for anything serious speech. (part of me thinks i may be THAT girl who falls harder for a guy knowing he is un-attainable?!) we pretty much became friends with benefits for about a year (and we knew each other a year before that, but our friendship was always flirtatious and we were always very attracted to each other.) We were exclusive, and as far as i was concerned it felt almost like a relationship because i neither of us were messing around with anyone else, and we were talking just about every night. we didn't call ourselves "friends with benefits" either though. He just always told me that i was way more than that to him and that he respected :S me, but just didn't want anything right now.

 

In hindsight i realize that i had set myself up to get hurt because i pretending i was okay with it not being a relationship.. but truth is i kind of thought that i was okay with it - because there were so many things about him that i also didn't like.

 

anyway, i finally got myself out of that situation, but i was just wondering if anyone experienced anyone who said something similar to that- been hurt b4 and not ready for a relationship- reasoning while everything seemed great between the two of you, and whether it turned out to just be a cop-out or if it was sincere and maybe something developed over time...

[Merin]

I don't know that it really matters IF it is a sincere I'm not ready OR a cop-out I'm not ready..

 

The bottomline IMO is regardless of the reason(s) someone gives you for not wanting more in a relationship when they say they're not ready the only thing to do is accept that they mean it, and not set yourself up thinking they will change thier mind.

 

Good Luck

[Zoot]

If he wanted something with you - he would have told you he did. Second guessing his excuses to keep from giving you the wrong hope is a waste of time. His motives are irrelevant.

 

Let it go.

[qismat]

thanks merin and zoot. very true.. for the most part i'm over him, and don't care anymore... but sometimes i still think back to some of the things he used to say and question them... irrelevant though for sure.

[GirlDown]

i don't know...

 

the relationship i am in now is a result of "i don't want a relationship right now." he was engaged and the girl changed her mind two months later and left without any explanation.

 

i understood his situation so i didn't push him. i made it clear that i did like him, and that i was willing to wait. we hung out, we messed around, neither of us saw other people. it was like we were together but just without labels.

 

finally i asked him if it would effect him the same way if we decided to stop what we were doing, even though we weren't "together-together" and he thought about it and said yes, that it would. after that he said he said please be patient, i'm getting there, and your patience is helping me a lot. and before i knew it, here we are. we're happy, we get along great, and i don't have to doubt that he wants to be with me because he waited until he knew it himself.

 

the best thing i did was give him the time he needed. pushing him into a situation he wasn't ready for would have pushed him away. at the same time, acting less interested to give him space would have made it seem like i wanted less than i did.

 

in your case though, a year seems like a long time to not know what he wants. maybe it's better that you moved on...

 

just wanted to give you hope that these situations CAN work.

[qismat]

girldown, thanks for that perspective, and i'm happy to hear that it did work out for you =)

 

I guess i was asking because i just went on a date last week, and couldn't help but do some comparing to that last ex, and so it just got me thinking again. i guess part of me thinks that it could have turned into something had i been more honest and told him that i really did want more, and if i had given him some time and worked it out a bit. anyway, its over and i do think it was for the best - i guess this date just had me thinking about the past a bit.

 

but thanks for sharing your story, i think i just wanted to hear if anyone had been in anything similar or been told anything similar, so thanks!