A Simple Way to Look At All This

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'm closing in on a week post break up, and am noticing that I no longer feel like a wreck thinking about him every moment. However I still have a ton of self-blaming moments, trying to pinpoint what exactly could have caused the break up. Mine was one of those where the ex gave a bunch of different reasons, such as "Something just didn't feel right" and "I wonder what else is out there" and "you just may not be the right person, or maybe you will be one day" and "I think we moved too fast" and "I think love is just too much for where I should be right now." Yeaahhh all of those reasons.

 

But today I realized something. If someone wants to be with you and they are confident in that, that doesn't mean there aren't things that they don't like about the relationship or their partner. I mean in my case, I could tell you concrete things that I didn't like about my ex. But the difference between me and him was that even when he messed up and made me upset, or didn't seem to understand my position or didn't seem to connect with me on something, I loved him enough and WANTED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM enough that I wanted to address every single issue and move forward. But as for my ex, he didn't tell me that he felt something was "off" until the day of the break up. And he saw it as, "we aren't compatible. that's it." So, was I with someone who KNEW he wanted me to the point where he was willing to work with me on anything that was bothering him and give it a chance? No. His mind just didn't go there… it went straight for the exit.

 

To me it just seems that simple right now. You want someone = you try your best to address things and work them out. You don't want someone enough = You decide the problems or negative feelings mean that the relationship should be over, and you end it. Right now I don't even care about the reason for it. It could be: too young, not enough experience, something he didn't like about me, a fear of commitment, etc etc blah blah blah WHO CARES!! I saw problems as simply temporary obstacles that I'd work through to keep him in my life. He saw something feeling "off" as a deal-breaker, and I sure as hell can't convince someone to change his thinking to the way that I do. For whatever reason, I wasn't the girl that he wanted to jump through any emotional hoops for to save. And that's ok. I just need to find someone on my level in that sense.

Edited February 4, 2014 by DontWorryBHappy

[jphcbpa]

agree with your bolded part and I felt the same way.

 

some people are just uncomfortable being comfortable and have never pushed past or worked through it to the other side.

 

perhaps you are more evolved and he is in an old cycle/pattern.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Perhaps. But what I realized is: It doesn't matter.

 

Actually I'm going to literally dance around thinking IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!

 

Because I know for a fact that I tried in every way I could to work on the relationship, to be a good partner, and all that jazz. And I would've worked things out if he had wanted that or if he'd even told me something felt wrong in the first place.

 

But when presented with Option A: WORK IT OUT DAMMIT

 

or Option B: EXIT STAGE LEFT

 

he screamed B. And gave me a few signs that I should've noticed when he started talking to me about "what else is out there" days before the break up. I never uttered **** like that to him. I wouldn't have even thought to, because Option A was the only one on my brain. Relationships only work when BOTH PARTNERS WANT OPTION A. This finally makes sense! I can go on living now.

Edited February 4, 2014 by DontWorryBHappy

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Great attitude. Every time you start thinking about your ex and the memories the good/bad moments repeat, "IT DOESN'T MATTER over and over again."

 

I 100% agree with you on loving someone by working through problems and not just calling it quits.

 

This quote helped me gain some perspective during my weak moments:

 

"..Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone despite their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."

 

I don't think my ex is capable of this with anyone. Who knows...maybe I just didn't inspire that effort in him. Regardless, it doesn't matter!

 

Perhaps. But what I realized is: It doesn't matter.

 

Actually I'm going to literally dance around thinking IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!

 

Because I know for a fact that I tried in every way I could to work on the relationship, to be a good partner, and all that jazz. And I would've worked things out if he had wanted that or if he'd even told me something felt wrong in the first place.

 

But when presented with Option A: WORK IT OUT DAMMIT

 

or Option B: EXIT STAGE LEFT

 

he screamed B. And gave me a few signs that I should've noticed when he started talking to me about "what else is out there" days before the break up. I never uttered **** like that to him. I wouldn't have even thought to, because Option A was the only one on my brain. Relationships only work when BOTH PARTNERS WANT OPTION A. This finally makes sense! I can go on living now.

Edited February 4, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[DontWorryBHappy]

Yes! I love that quote so much.

 

Also it helps to realize that the ex didn't choose Option A (to work it out) because they simply are not on the same level as you emotionally and mentally. What that means is: While you're sitting there willing to do anything… counseling, talking it out, sharing emotions, trying out different things to FIX things…. the other person is simply not on that level with you EMOTIONALLY as well as MENTALLY. and you can not CONVINCE them to be on that level, either.

 

The emotional level is: That feeling where you know you want to be with the person even when they do stupid ****.

 

The mental level is: Recognizing that there are issues and actually coming up with possible solutions. This goes along with the emotional level because you actually give enough of a **** and want things to work enough to come up with solutions.

 

Someone who is NOT on this level can be tipped in either direction. They may stay around for a while if you don't cry too much, if you agree to "slow down"… whatever it is. But their scale can EASILY be tipped the other way and they might cut and run.

 

However YOUR SCALE is tipped all the way to their side. All the marbles are weighing you down on their side of the coin, and you can't easily be tipped in the other direction. You're so weighted in their direction that it would take a lot for you to give up on the other person, whereas your ex could go either way……

 

And you don't want someone who can go either way. You want someone who is tipped in your direction, who doesn't want to emotionally or mentally consider leaving as an option because they simply want you.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You're taking the words right out of my mouth. Yes yes yes on everything you posted. I felt my ex was not at all mentally or emotionally on the same level as me. So, in a sense, we really cannot blame them, can we? They put in as much love and effort as they were capable of....which sadly was not enough to make the relationship work.

[DontWorryBHappy]

It is sad, but true. I know because I recall breaking up with an ex once in a short relationship. We had some incompatibilities. Maybe we COULD have worked on them, but I was not on his level emotionally and mentally. I realized I wasn't in love with him yet even though I had said I was (I think I tried to convince myself after he said it to me first). But when I told him the truth, and he got very upset, I decided to break it off. It was obvious that his scale was tipped all the way in my direction and he would have stayed and worked through things. But mine could have gone either way (because of my lower level of investment)… and of course it went the way opposite of him. It's just hard to accept it when YOU are the one with the high investment… yet so easy to see when you're not.

[TrappedWanderer]

Exactly. Exactly exactly exactly.

 

In my case, we had just gotten married and moved abroad. We had spent months (long distance) talking about EVERYTHING...or so I thought.

 

When it was ending, I came to realize that he always had this idea that things should be perfect, or they shouldn't be at all. I don't ever think things are "perfect"..nor would I want or expect them to be, that's not realistic. But I loved him enough to try and work through a lot of things. He, obviously, didn't have the same thoughts.

 

I honestly don't think he (being several years older than myself, and I'm 31) has the emotional capability of taking a problem and looking at it from different angles to work through it. Very black-and-white outlook. Of course, he had never exhibited that way of thinking before...now I know it's bc he was telling me what I wanted to hear, and he thought it would just all change once we got on "his terf", so to speak.

 

As things were ending, part of me realized I was by far the stronger one-able to look at things with different lenses, compromising when possible. And that part of me felt sorry for him, since he's not able to approach things in an adult, mature manner. A good friend of his told me she had seen this before in him-this weakness-and if we were to continue, I would have to treat him more like a child, who had to be catered to. Of course, that's nowhere near my idea of a marriage, so it didn't work.

 

But another part of me is even more hurt by that...it's been a few months now and my life has been turned upside down (trying to find a new job and new place to live, etc). I go through the phases of anger, sadness, hurt, anger again, etc...but I know he's just locked all this away in some corner of his mind and isn't dealing with it. Like I never existed at all. He told me, at the end, that's what he does with things that hurt him. Just forgets them. So I know our relationship, to him, is just something that doesn't affect him anymore. And that hurts. A lot. Like all those years are just gone.

 

I hope I'm better off, in the long run, having dealt with my emotions about all this, but man, it's hurtful to know someone I loved so much, and said he loved me too, doesn't even give a second thought to all this.

[purplehues]

This thread was very encouraging to me--thank you so much for perspective. Seriously, I'm very grateful

My break-up story is very similar to yours in that I had NO, and I mean no idea, that she was thinking about breaking up with me. And she presented me with "non compatibility" reason (excuse) the night she ended the relationship. How lame!

So basically, I think that for anyone dumped, an even bigger tragedy would be self-betrayal which would inevitably occur by staying in a relationship with someone whose values don't align with our own. I miss her like crazy, but still--these moments of clarity keep me going! So, again--thank you!!!!

[DontWorryBHappy]

Cold morning. Being your ex's next door neighbor has its downfalls. Last night I heard his friends running around having fun outside my apartment. I didn't make out his voice but am pretty sure they were in his car for a few minutes.

 

Telling myself that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how many times I hear them or him. Something about who he was didn't work with who I was. Simple as that. We can't change it because it would be changing who we were at the time and our situation or position in life itself. I can't change that in any way, and why would I want to? It was part of my experience. Part of what made me who I was, even if I made mistakes…. those are a part of that too.

 

Telling myself it doesn't matter that I didn't jump at his offer to "slow things down" before that turned into "let's break up". If I had simply slowed things down, it still would've ended, just in a more drawn out way. He needed to be apart from me, and I needed (NEED) that too. We both have to reflect on our own lives and recognize that something made us different people who were on different pages. I have to become a stronger person that I wasn't in that relationship.

 

I'll admit it. I wasn't emotionally strong. Often times I wanted the day to pass faster just so that I could see him, and everything else in my day didn't give me enough happiness. I need to find things that give me my own happiness. I need a full life without him. Then one day when I feel like I'm in that place, I'll see how it goes being friends with him. But only after a long while passes and I feel moved on will I even consider it. I will NOT contact him before then, no matter what reasons I've been starting to come up with. None of them are worth it compared to my own emotional growth.

Edited February 5, 2014 by DontWorryBHappy

[RDawg]

Great thread DontWorry, thank you.

 

Just one thing: I don't think that wishing the day to pass so you can see the one you love is a sign of emotional weakness.

 

I am in the same space regarding wanting to be friends one day, but for now it's probably best to kill that thought. I will have to evolve a lot to get to the point where I want to be friends with someone who has caused me so much pain.