Newtothis2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Me and my ex of 4.5 years broke up 3 months ago and he moved on within a week to someone new. I am heartbroken. I thought we'd get back together. We had a very intense relationship where we were both obsessed with one another. He told me he still loved me and knew we'd be back together again someday - but he had this new persons feelings to consider as he 'actually likes them'. He had 5/6 weeks with this person before I realised. This person is young and he is their 'first'. I met him twice during our talks about the new person, both times I could tell 'it' was still there. Which makes it harder. I wish he hadn't told me all the stuff and just cut it off cleanly - but he played games and couldn't make his mind up and even when he had - he told me he loved me and we'd be together one day again anyway. He also told his Mum this I have had trouble eating and sleeping for 5 weeks now. 2 weeks ago, I spoke to his mother and asked her to inform him to please stop texting me as it upsets me. It's been 2 weeks of no contact and I still feel awful. I wish he'd just said he doesn't love me. I took myself out of his life, so that either he can realise I'm GONE / I can try to move on. A mixture of both. I dream about him almost every night and wake up depressed by it Can anyone offer advice? Similar stories? How did you get through it?
TheyCallMeOx Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I wrote a blog on my website that was the most useful piece of advice that helped me get through that period of time you're going through where you're having trouble eating and sleeping. I'm not going to advertise the link. You're welcome to read the whole thing, which I believe would provide you with some much needed perspective, or you can skip it and just skip down to the bottom where I basically summarize what it's saying. as taking a Communications 2105 (Interpersonal Communications) class during the time my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I regret not taking that class sooner because I learned a lot of valuable things about relationships that, perhaps, could’ve prevented my ex-girlfriend from taking drastic measures. However, I’m fortunate that I was taking that class with a teacher who genuinely cared for her students. It almost seemed like everyday, the class teachings were designed to be advice for me. I learned about the process of relationships: when things are going good, when things are going bad, and what happens at each stage. I probably visited her office three or four times asking various questions about relationships and life. One of the things that I brought with me after class ended was something she said: “Power is granted.” When I first heard her say it, it spoke volumes. I felt like my brain processed those words through every synapse until it produced an echo. “We grant people power,” she explained as I was processing what kind of information I just heard. Ever since then, I looked forward to going to class because I kept learning new things that just seemed to make sense about my predicament. I felt like I was going to therapy sessions. After a short period of time, I started having feelings of optimism until the point where I became too overly confident in my recovery. I thought I was better off than I actually was. When I left the class, I went back to reality and slowly began to realize that I, by no means, was fully recovered. In fact, the recovery just began. After the class ended and I had time to reflect on the things that I’ve learned, I’ve realized that it’s not just people we grant power over our lives, but also things in general. I granted Facebook power to influence my life because I thought that Facebook was a good way to connect with people. In reality, Facebook does the exact opposite. When people started text messaging, we started losing our desires to make phone calls. These days, the people who say that they don’t like talking on the phone are the same people who text message all throughout the day. I thought that it was going to be difficult trying to quit Facebook because I felt like the world would stop if I didn’t go on it. How would people be able to contact me? How would people know about my life? I’ve always known that most of the people on my friend’s list didn’t really care about me, but I always put out status updates hoping that someone would “like” my status or maybe even comment on it! I felt like I needed people’s approval for my beliefs, and the only way to get my ideas out there, I felt, was through Facebook. At the end of the day, Facebook affected me because I allowed it to affect me. When I became addicted to it, I lead myself to believe that Facebook was more beneficial for me than it actually was. In reality, it wasn’t. Not only did I quit Facebook, but I quit Tumblr, Imgur, and other websites as well. I completely redefined my online experience. I know that if I had a Tumblr, I’d be just a little bit curious to see what my ex-girlfriend has on HER tumblr account. If I browsed Imgur, I’d be just a little bit curious to see what my ex-girlfriend has been posting. If I browsed Facebook, I’d be tempted to login to my OTHER account where I could access a limited amount of information about my ex-girlfriend. The bottom line is that I know exactly what I would do if I did not redefine my online experience; I would give into my curiosity, and I would end up being incredibly disappointed. The drive force that has prevented me from going on Facebook, Tumblr, and other sites? What keeps me on my toes is keeping in mind that the only reason why I would do anything is because I choose to. I don’t have to know what’s going on in my ex-girlfriend’s life; in fact, it doesn’t even matter. If she’s got anything to say to me, she’ll say it. She stays in contact with my sister, and she probably knows my address. There’s absolutely no reason to suggest that she’s got anything good to say about me. At this point in time, anything I do is exactly my fault. I choose which websites I visit, just like I choose how I react to websites. I choose not to watch certain shows because I know that I’m probably going to choose to get upset about it. Controlling your thoughts is a little bit difficult, but how you react to those thoughts are completely up to you. I can dream about my ex-girlfriend and wake up knowing that I had that dream, but a dream is just a dream; I choose to let that dream affect me even though a dream shouldn’t have any effect on your day. Just because you dream of killing someone doesn’t make you a murderer. Just because I dream of my ex-girlfriend doesn’t mean anything. I can only expect to have dreams about my ex-girlfriend because I’ve still got feelings. I accept my dreams for what they are rather than hoping that maybe it’ll become reality. I’ve had some pretty ****ed up dreams. If my dreams reflected the person that I am today, I’d be a murderer, rapist, serial killer, fighter, professional hitman, etc. In my dreams, I’ve probably committed every crime known to man, and done everything that is morally unacceptable. Why am I not affected by THOSE dreams, believing that I am a cruel person, and be affected by dreams that consist of my ex-girlfriend and are NOT morally unacceptable? It’s because I choose to let those dreams affect me. After a certain point where I stopped eating and sleeping, I realized that I was only causing myself more damage. It’s enough to be heart broken, to cry at night, and be afraid that you’re never going to find someone quite like her, but it’s another thing to dwell on something so much that you can’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t sleep because I wouldn’t stop thinking about her; I couldn’t eat because even when I had the opportunity to, I chose not to. I chose to let those thoughts become more important than my own health. My ex-girlfriend was so valuable to my life, that even the very thoughts of her were more important than my health. I could’ve spent some valuable time justifying why my ex-girlfriend was still a part of my life when our relationship ended, but I realized that everything I was doing was based on a choice. I don’t have to think about her for long periods of times, I don’t have to cry, I don’t have to let a dream ruin the rest of my day. I don’t have to let a woman who is no longer a part of my life and may never be, control my life. When you turn the finger towards yourself, accept responsibility, everything you experience becomes ridiculous. I’m going to destroy a 500 dollar laptop on video just to prove a point? The reason why I broke that laptop wasn’t because my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, but because I chose to let that break-up cause so much anger and frustration in my life that I felt that destroying a 500 dollar laptop was going to make my life better. I chose to destroy that laptop. There are some things that I didn’t get rid of after the break-up; things that had to do with my ex-girlfriend. Why would I get rid of some stuff, but not other stuff? I felt that even though they relate to my ex-girlfriend, I decided that I’m going to set my feelings aside and look at it as what it is. A glass that’s shaped like a Coke can and holds the exact same amount of Coke that a can does? Now THAT is pretty cool; that’s certainly worth getting rid of thoughts that I got that glass from a Dollar Tree right next to my ex-girlfriend’s Kroger. I chose what to keep, what to throw away, what to destroy, what to give away, and that was all based on a choice. I remember her saying that “there’s always a chance…” but what good does it do to dwell on things that you can’t control? I can’t control my ex-girlfriend’s decisions. I can’t convince her to get back with me when she has no contact with me. The only thing that I have control over is my choices; that’s something that I hold very special because it is the single most important piece of information that has helped me get to where I am at now. I can choose to dwell on something, or I can choose to not dwell on something. I can choose to lose weight, or I can choose to not lose weight. I can either choose to grant my ex-girlfriend power over my life, or I can choose to say “to hell with her” and let it stay that way. A choice sometimes requires a commitment. If I really want to get over my ex-girlfriend, I have to choose, everyday, to get better. I can’t expect to choose something and let everything fall in its place because some things in life you have to fight for. I fight everyday, I motivate myself everyday, I do everything in my mental power to push myself because I don’t want to suffer as much as I already have. I don’t think about the possibilities of getting back together, I don’t think about things I could do to convince her to get back with me, I don’t try to think about any of that stuff because I know it’s going to bring false hope into my life and prevent me from fully recovering. I’ll have those thoughts, sure, but thoughts are just thoughts unless you let those thoughts consume you. When I realized that I was only granting her power because of the choice I made to let that happen, I realized that I’m only hurting myself. Basically...here's the deal... You make your own choices. Your thoughts and dreams are sometimes not within your control, but you choose how to react to them. You choose to involve yourself in your ex's life, you choose to be affected by the things that he does, etc. Everything is a choice, and you have the power within yourself to say "I choose not to let this affect me." You GRANT him power over your life because you choose to. He's not in your life anymore, so he has no influence in your life unless you allow him to. He's moving on with his life, and so should you. The sooner you realize that, at this point, you're only hurting yourself, the sooner you can pick yourself back up and start moving on. Your heart break is fine and I'm sorry for what you're going through, but there's a certain point where you have to realize that...you're only causing yourself more pain when you allow your heart break to prevent you from living a healthy lifestyle. It's a commitment, but you have to keep pushing forward everyday. 1
Author Newtothis2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I wrote a blog on my website that was the most useful piece of advice that helped me get through that period of time you're going through where you're having trouble eating and sleeping. I'm not going to advertise the link. You're welcome to read the whole thing, which I believe would provide you with some much needed perspective, or you can skip it and just skip down to the bottom where I basically summarize what it's saying. Basically...here's the deal... You make your own choices. Your thoughts and dreams are sometimes not within your control, but you choose how to react to them. You choose to involve yourself in your ex's life, you choose to be affected by the things that he does, etc. Everything is a choice, and you have the power within yourself to say "I choose not to let this affect me." You GRANT him power over your life because you choose to. He's not in your life anymore, so he has no influence in your life unless you allow him to. He's moving on with his life, and so should you. The sooner you realize that, at this point, you're only hurting yourself, the sooner you can pick yourself back up and start moving on. Your heart break is fine and I'm sorry for what you're going through, but there's a certain point where you have to realize that...you're only causing yourself more pain when you allow your heart break to prevent you from living a healthy lifestyle. It's a commitment, but you have to keep pushing forward everyday. Thank you for that. You do make complete sense. I removed my other account earlier today - it's like you read my mind? I will do my best and take steps.
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