Over in a heartbeat

[Owl]

You may be able to salvage some trust, however. As the parents of two kids. If you tell him, it'll be over but you may get some points for telling him yourself and he MAY be able to trust you as the mother of his children. If she tells him, I can't see how any of that is possible.

 

Maybe, maybe not. My marriage didn't end as a result of my wife's EA. He may choose to reconcile, or may not. But he DOES deserve the chance to make that choice.

 

Please don't do this to him. Don't take him for granted. You don't want to be the "runner up in a competition". Don't treat your husband like one.

 

She already has. She's with him by default...because MOM dumped her, not because she chose to be there with him. That is exactly what he is, and how he'll feel unless she takes measures to prove otherwise to him.

[Owl]

Thinking of you... I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose someone you love in an instant.

 

This is EXACTLY what d-day felt like for me, when my wife told me she was going to live with OM...whom she'd never truly known in person.

 

This is an excellent description of what the BS feels on d-day as well.

 

 

I have questions, just for clarity. You say you confessed this to your husband a while ago, did he not ask who the man was? And if he knows, how come the wife wasn't informed, or was she?

 

Has he had a D-day before? Did you think he would R if a D-day came?

 

I hope you are okay... I truly do, the pain sounds horrible. <3

 

I must have missed where she'd mentioned a previous confession. I wonder how much was confessed? What does her H know about what was going on...and if he's that aware, why not tell him the rest of the story now, so that she's got someone she can truly lean on?

[Dogberry]

I have been in this situation, except i was the mm

 

My wiFe found out and i cut the other woman out. I stayed with my wife for a year then left.

 

The other woman, bombarded me with texts and phone calls, she threatened to turn up at my house and my work. She had friends call me and write me letters. It was horrible. I had to change my number.

 

I left my wife a year later, i have never spoken to the Ow Or ever want to.

 

If she hadnt gone quite so potty i would have possibly got back with her. So my advice, is do nothing.

[hea]

I cant read this without thinking 'its your own fault'.

[inappfriendly]

Msoptimistic, my heart literally hurt as I read your original post. This is almost exactly how dday occurred for me. It was almost 10 months ago and I still recall the anxiety, pain, sadness, and misplaced hopefulness as if it were yesterday. I wish there was a magic pill to take or spell to cast to make it all go away but there isn't. It sucks and will suck for a while. From experience, I can tell you, the worst thing you can do is hope for the best with HIM. He chose his wife, his family, his LIFE over you. I get it. I understand not wanting to disrupt that. Like you, and him, I have a family as well. But also like you, I was willing to rearrange everything for him. The feeling was obviously not as mutual as he would have led me to believe. In fact, as I learned afterwards, if your MM is like mine and most exMOM, he will throw you under the bus every single day, probably for the rest of forever, to save his own a$$. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to recognize and admit what that revealed about his character as well as his supposed "feelings" for me. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, Sweetie, but if someone would have drilled that into my head from day one, I probably wouldn't have held him and the alleged love we shared on a such a high pedestal. The fall nearly killed me.

 

Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the day. And then wake up and do it again tomorrow. It will eventually get easier. Let the tears fall when they need to. They will eventually become less frequent. But don't lose yourself in the grief and post-A fog. You will be OK. There will be life after him. **HUG**

[msoptimistic]

Ok, my ramblings have apparently been hard to follow and I can see that...this A with MM started 19 months ago...10 months into the EA and before any PA, H got suspicious and I came clean because it was the right decision to make...I did stop contact with MM at that time and H and I tried to work on M...of course, the NC didn't last and MM and I were back in contact before too long (can't remember exact time frames)...H knew there was an extreme emotional attachment to this man and that it was one of those "love at first sight" things - for lack of a better expression. He was actually with me the first time I met MM and recognized the connection...M had lots of problems at that time already and it was so easy to justify my actions with MM...when I came clean I told H absolutely everything, every detail he wanted to know, held nothing back...since he had been through this in his first marriage he said he felt like his place was to get me through this "fantasy world" I was living in...and yes, that brought even more resentment because at that time I didn't want to hear that my feelings were a fantasy world...for the past few months we've co-existed in the same house...sometimes he has done his thing and I've done mine and sometimes we've done things together...he's a wonderful person but since the time we married so many things have changed...such as kids have grown up, I've finished my education, changed careers, lost lots of weight, have a different outlook on life and want different things...I'm 46 years old and I'm at the stage where there are things I want to try and I feel like time will be running out for lots of them...the physical attraction is not there at all which makes a sexual relationship hard and of course that is very important to him...

He does not know that MM and I resumed contact after the "coming clean" confession...should I tell him? Maybe, but I can't right now...I have to take this as I can deal with it emotionally and right now I can't deal with losing MM and going through a D...

Someone asked if MM had been through a D-Day...he has been married before, once to the mother of his only child which ended in divorce early and then to a wife of alot of years who died of cancer...after her death he married his current wife on the rebound (hence the fact that she is 28 years younger than him)...and since this is total honesty...the day MM and I first met, they had been married exactly 1 month....

So...I noticed a couple of posts on here from men...and I appreciate the response from everyone...would love to know more about what he's going through which can only come from a man's perspective...

Dogberry, in your story that your related, can you expand on your feelings for the OW...if she had played her cards differently would things have turned out differently? When you left your M, did she play any part whatsover if only in your own thoughts?

I do love him more than I ever thought possible and I do want him to be happy and that cannot be my choice...has to be his....I have to move on for my own sanity...and if you can't tell, the times that I would be texting him I'm on here trying to "deal" with everything...the tears just flow so easily and quickly that its hard to work and be productive...

[Dogberry]

Dogberry, in your story that your related, can you expand on your feelings for the OW...if she had played her cards differently would things have turned out differently? When you left your M, did she play any part whatsover if only in your own thoughts?

I do love him more than I ever thought possible and I do want him to be happy and that cannot be my choice...has to be his....I have to move on for my own sanity...and if you can't tell, the times that I would be texting him I'm on here trying to "deal" with everything...the tears just flow so easily and quickly that its hard to work and be productive...

 

I know how you feel. You chug along for a bit then alll of a sudden you think about it and go to pieces, right?

 

I liked the ow, but didnt love her. She fell in love with me. Had she kept her contact more normal, i would have contacted her after i left my wife. Maybe it would have worked, maybe not. But her desperation and anger drove me away.

 

I should add that statistically most men stay with their wives, i am probably unusual in that i decided that being alone was better.

[msoptimistic]

inappfriendly...I think I was posting at the same time you were! I definitely did put him and us on a pedestal and I hadn't thought of it as a fall but you are right, that is definitely what it feels like...and boy that hitting bottom is hard...especially when you know you knew better...yes, it is putting one foot in front of the other and stopping to take a deep breath and tell yourself its going to be ok and it will get easier...

 

Dogberry...thanks for replying...you said the OW fell in love with you but not you with her...did you ever let her think you were falling for her? Don't know about her but the last thing I want to do is be a nuisance to him or cause him more anxiety by threatening him with going to her or his workplace...I want him to be happy, really I do, I just wanted it to be with me...

 

For those who have the "you made your bed now lie in it" opinion, you are exactly right and no one is going to try to disagree with that...That you were wrong in what you did does not make the hurt any less however. In fact, it makes it worse...I chose to answer that first text all those months ago and I chose to keep going back when I knew all the puzzle pieces didn't fit...but I love him, someday, hopefully it will be loveD but for now I love him...don't want him to hurt, but I know that if I tried to stay in the picture and his M falls apart and he loses his "stuff" that he would eventually resent me for any part I played in it...

 

I am earnestly trying to be the adult now that I should have been a long time ago...hurting him or spilling my guts to her will not accomplish anything...maybe coming clean with H is what I need to do...time will tell...but for now, any OW out there reading this, please think long and hard about your decisions...what route you take has to be a personal choice but please, please know how hard the fall can be when you invest so much of yourself into someone you're not supposed to invest in!

[inappfriendly]

"For those who have the "you made your bed now lie in it" opinion, you are exactly right and no one is going to try to disagree with that...That you were wrong in what you did does not make the hurt any less however. In fact, it makes it worse...I chose to answer that first text all those months ago and I chose to keep going back when I knew all the puzzle pieces didn't fit...but I love him, someday, hopefully it will be loveD but for now I love him...don't want him to hurt, but I know that if I tried to stay in the picture and his M falls apart and he loses his "stuff" that he would eventually resent me for any part I played in it..."

 

 

MsO, I know what you mean about his "STUFF". His wife is a big-bucks earning attorney while he stays home, spending her coin on guns and watching porn on his couch all day. I am SURE he didn't want to lose that lifestyle. Why I didn't want to lose HIM is beyond me...!

[Owl]

What is he going through right now?

 

First off...odds are he's trying to convince his wife that you meant nothing to him, it was "an accident", he wasn't looking for anyone else, it "just happened". He's probably telling her that he loves her, that getting involved with you was just a huge mistake, and that it's all over and he'll never contact you again.

 

Most likely his wife has insisted on seeing all the communications between the two of you...all the texts, all the IM's, all the emails, whatever pics may have been exchanged. She may not have given him any choice, she may have just taken his phone and/or computer and done so on her own.

 

He's likely begging his wife not to leave him, to give him another chance, that he'll "be good" from now on.

 

He may or may not be honest in what he promises here. He's probably not even thinking about whether or not he truly intends to keep these promises or not...right now, he's in total crisis mode trying to keep his marriage from falling apart in front of him.

 

He may have admitted to her that he loves you...or he may have told her that it was all your fault, that you pursued him relentlessly until he finally caved in a moment of weakness.

 

So there you go...that's what he's likely going through right now.

 

But here's the thing...you need to stop focusing on him. You can't change his situation...all you can do at this point is focus on your OWN situation.

 

I know you don't want to...but what other choice do you have?

[No Limit]

his answer was "I'm sad if I lose everything I've worked for." That makes me feel really special...

 

Why did you feel special? He might have been talking about his real life, his real marriage, not you.

 

And seeing that you've already once fallen for him I honestly believe you will again, and I think you know it as well, now that your MM has opened the door again. Keep your LS password in case you need any more support in the future should you happen to have problems with living through divorce.

[msoptimistic]

Hi No Limit...

The "That makes me feel really special" comment was sarcasm...I know that I don't know what he was referring to except that we had already had many discussions about him being older and having acquired more "stuff" that he was very resentful of her getting her hands on...

Yes, I fell for him once and no I can't say I wouldn't again, but he has not opened that door again and I'm not even sure what I said that gave that impression. As far as I am concerned this is Day 1 of moving past the A, can I say I won't give in and contact? No, of course not, all I can do is breathe minute to minute and deal with all the What if's that keep coming to mind...I can't imagine that anyone goes into an affair thinking this is okay and no one is going to get hurt...it's not that we don't know the risks, it's just that the A fog or whatever it is takes over an otherwise sane mind and you find yourself doing, saying and thinking things you never thought you would...

Do I regret 19 months of my life being spent on this man? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, but it's nothing I can change either way...moving forward is the only answer and yes, I may very well be looking for support in living through a divorce but only time will tell that....

[Owl]

Besides sitting there breathing, what are you ACTIVELY DOING to improve or change your situation?

 

Sitting there passively waiting for the next shoe to fall isn't improving anything.

 

I know that this just recently happened to you. I get that. I am not blaming you here. I'm just saying that you've had more than enough time to mentally/emotionally prepare yourself for this. Your husband has been by your side even with knowledge of your EA...yet you continued on...and here you are today. I truly think you need to clue him in, change your focus off of OM, and onto this next phase of your life. Either divorce, or rebuilding a new marriage.

[peaksandvalleys]

She has no way of knowing who I am...untraceable phone and he thinks he fairly well covered his tracks, but the catch was when I asked him how he felt and if he was sad about losing her, his answer was "I'm sad if I lose everything I've worked for." That makes me feel really special...I absolutely know I was wrong, terribly wrong...I did confess everything to my H last summer and swore to end it and did for awhile, but like so many, it started back up pretty quickly and pretty heavily...if I tell H now that it went on after I confessed, there will be no saving the M...had myself convinced I didn't want to save it anyway, but I was living in a dreamworld...that's totally unfair to everybody involved...H didn't realize he was fighting the unwinable battle against the "grass is greener" syndrome...I think I'm in a bad way because it was all so sudden...I answered a text and his reply was "My wife just picked up my phone etcccc....just hearing him refer to her as my wife as pretty shocking...worst pain ever...

 

 

My ex and his OW thought that too. You probably should be prepared for anything. They weren't in my situation. They both thought they were fairly safe. Just made me all the more determined. Yes, it is more than unfair. It is stolen time that can't be returned.

[Ruffian1]

What is he going through right now?

 

First off...odds are he's trying to convince his wife that you meant nothing to him, it was "an accident", he wasn't looking for anyone else, it "just happened". He's probably telling her that he loves her, that getting involved with you was just a huge mistake, and that it's all over and he'll never contact you again.

 

Most likely his wife has insisted on seeing all the communications between the two of you...all the texts, all the IM's, all the emails, whatever pics may have been exchanged. She may not have given him any choice, she may have just taken his phone and/or computer and done so on her own.

 

He's likely begging his wife not to leave him, to give him another chance, that he'll "be good" from now on.

 

He may or may not be honest in what he promises here. He's probably not even thinking about whether or not he truly intends to keep these promises or not...right now, he's in total crisis mode trying to keep his marriage from falling apart in front of him.

 

 

^^ This exactly.

 

She does not have much evidence. He will lie and gaslight her.

 

You can add this to Owl's list:

 

He is waiting for the storm to quiet down and then he will resume contact and A with you.

 

Happens all the time.

[sunburned]

Whoa, Ms. Optimistic! Did I just read you lost 75 pounds?? Girl, anyone who with the willpower, determination and fortitude to do that can do NC with a MM. You obviously cared enough about your health and well being to make a major lifestyle change for the better. Time for Act II. This should be a piece of (low fat) cake!

[Scotia]

I've been following this thread, and I just wanted to jump in and say how sorry I am for the pain you're in right now. My A ended a few months ago, and it's still painful. I'm not defending my decision to be in it in the first place, but I was, and getting out of it has been the most painful thing I've ever dealt with.

 

Neither of us have had a D-day (yet), but it's not hard to imagine it having happened like you are dealing with. I'm so sorry. The whole situation is hard enough as it is, but it's even harder when decisions are taken out of your hands.

 

Your comment about his use of the word "wife" struck me as well. Yes, of course you knew he was married... but I still get what you're saying. My MM and I referred to our spouses by name. Whenever he would use the word "wife" or talk about "family time", I always flinched. It was like a visceral reminder of everything that I wasn't (and never would be) to him. So even though yes, intellectually, it's just a word... it still hurts.

 

Thinking of you, and I hope you're getting through today.

[LilGirlandOW]

No one likes to lose. No one likes to lose what belongs to them, and what they worked so hard for. Or to lose things that they enjoy.

In this sense, both you and MM stand to lose a lot... he stands to lose his marriage, his wife's trust and love, his reputation, his lifestyle, half his assets, any family life he has, etc

and you stand to lose the security of your marriage, with your comfortable lifestyle, and your husband.

 

When you have all these things, you may take them for granted, and look around for 'extra' things... like the benefits of a secret, and exciting, forbidden love affair... then you feel like that's the cherry on the top of your life.

 

But don't confuse the 'extra's' as being better than the stable and secure assets in your life!

Of course MM is going to cut contact with you! He stands to lose everything he has, just for enjoying some cherries of life with you!

 

Be grateful that you had him for a time in your life, that he was a 'gift' that added love, validation, appreciation, and excitement -- and now you cannot have him anymore. Because that would mean trading EVERYTHING for just the bonus!

 

It would make no sense for him to throw everything away to chase after you, would it? Be honest now. It was fun while it lasted, but now he has to 'pay the piper' and that's not easy or fun, and it comes with 'interest' so he has a whole lot of begging to do, and working extra hard to hold on to what he cherishes and values.

 

Just because he values and cherishes having his wife and family and home, does not detract from the fun time he had with you! If he had it HIS way, he would have happily continued 'having his cake and eating it too' but now he has to put things straight.

 

Try not to take his choice of his wife and life, over the affair, as a personal insult to you. It is over now.

You simply have to weigh up the cost involved (the pain you feel now, the loneliness you will suffer for months, the anguish of feeling second-best and unwanted) and you will have to decide if it was worth it in the end, or not.

It if was worth it, you will become a serial cheater. If you decide it was NOT worth it (if the pleasure you got from your affair was not worth the pain you now suffer), then you will make up your mind to NEVER cheat again.

 

You will either avoid the unbearable, or you will try again, the drama and the excitement of the heady affair.

 

This is Pay the Piper time.

Great Post!!

[msoptimistic]

Help! I sat down last night and read all the posts on this thread and typed out a beautifully written response just to have it disappear when I hit submit...get to work this morning and sit down to type out a response and get called to a meeting...while in the meeting I have a missed call from MM...not from his cell which I assume his W is monitoring but I recognize the number from once before when he had to use it (cell phone was dead)...talk about torn here...I know the right answer which is to ignore it and keep moving forward even though since its only been one full day there's not a whole lot of progress been made...did go see counselor yesterday and was going to ask advice about some of the things he said but now I'm in a tailspin...I had the willpower to lose the weight but that was absolutely nothing compared to this...and the thing is..I know he could very easily be calling to say a "good-bye" and I'm gonna make it work at home which I don't even want to hear. So the smart thing is to avoid plopping any more pain into my own lap by ignoring...but boy is this hard!!!!

[Owl]

I'm going to say it one last time...

 

STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM...START WORKING ON WHAT'S HAPPENING NEXT IN THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!

 

I'm hoping I'm not being too subtle here.

 

Here's the thing. Even if he called you today and said he was leaving her...YOU are still held back because you've done NOTHING to resolve your own sitaution at home.

 

Make a damned choice...him, or husband. Either way, once you make your choice, you need to do some work at home before you consider anything outside of the house. If you choose OM...you need to seperate from H. If you choose H...you need to inform H, and work your ass off to repair the damage you've done there.

 

Sitting there breathing isn't making progress towards any goal.

 

Get off your butt and do something.

[whichwayisup]

Help! I sat down last night and read all the posts on this thread and typed out a beautifully written response just to have it disappear when I hit submit...get to work this morning and sit down to type out a response and get called to a meeting...while in the meeting I have a missed call from MM...not from his cell which I assume his W is monitoring but I recognize the number from once before when he had to use it (cell phone was dead)...talk about torn here...I know the right answer which is to ignore it and keep moving forward even though since its only been one full day there's not a whole lot of progress been made...did go see counselor yesterday and was going to ask advice about some of the things he said but now I'm in a tailspin...I had the willpower to lose the weight but that was absolutely nothing compared to this...and the thing is..I know he could very easily be calling to say a "good-bye" and I'm gonna make it work at home which I don't even want to hear. So the smart thing is to avoid plopping any more pain into my own lap by ignoring...but boy is this hard!!!!

You can do it! And it is supposed to be hard.

 

You really have no choice now but to focus on you and figure out what you want. Continue seeing the counselor, go from there.

 

Life can't go on like it has been, continuing contact, resuming the A and staying married. It's done damage all around.

[msoptimistic]

Owl definitely tells it like it is and it is time to start making some decisions even if they are wrong...I don't think the decision is that easy, especially for an emotional female...when I talked to the Counselor yesterday he said my situation was "convoluted"...lots of things that haven't been addressed on this board that affect making a decision...yes, H has chosen to stay without having all the details, but I have never led him to believe our M was out of the woods...he has made some really bad decisions that weren't dealt with properly when MM came into the picture. He continues with some behaviors that do not lend themselves toward making a happy M...however, he is a good man and he has lots of excellent qualities...and just like everyone else, he has some not so great qualities...those that you only see when you live with a person.

 

So, Owl, yes it should be time to get up and do something and I believe in some ways I have started taking baby steps since I am only 2 days into this crap...I went to see a Counselor yesterday, I spent some time with my child concentrating only on that conversation, I did mundane things like laundry and dishes while conversing with my H and trying to refocus my thoughts...I'm not sure how many decisions you make until you feel you are on solid ground again and to be honest I'm not sure where my solid ground is right now...

 

A very dear friend said to me yesterday to examine the situation and be honest with myself about what the worst possible outcome could be...that would be that I would end up totally by myself including the loss of family and friends...I would lose alot of respect from people in my life that I value and want to keep their respect. But in the end, if left alone, I would survive, I would take care of myself and my kids (about grown) and I would move on...maybe I would even discover things about myself that I never knew...who knows? Maybe I would be a lonely old widow woman with 52 cats and miserable? Again, who knows....

 

Yes, decisions need to be made and yes, I am scared to death either way...their are beautiful success stories and horrible regret stories on both sides of my dilemma and when the time is right I think I'll know...right now I have to deal with this situation that I've brought on myself and had dumped right in my lap and get steady again...that's my goal!

[trippi1432]

Thinking of you... I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose someone you love in an instant.

 

This is EXACTLY what d-day felt like for me, when my wife told me she was going to live with OM...whom she'd never truly known in person.

 

This is an excellent description of what the BS feels on d-day as well.

 

I can absolutely agree with this right here, and can add, it's IMPOSSIBLE to truly work on a marriage when there is a 3rd party involved. Especially if you don't know about the OM/OW or have been lied to that it's not going on anymore when it truly is.

 

As much pain as you are in because the MM chose to cut it off (if he even truly has - I personally think he is scum and will be back to the water hole as soon as he gains confidence that he's pulled the wool over his wife's eyes), I don't get a good feeling that you won't also be at that water hole waiting for him. Nothing in any of your posts really make me feel you care about your marriage or your husband, more for your reputation and fear of being alone.

 

Similar to OWL, I just knew that my exH and I were working on our marriage during a really rough time (that rough time being my selfishness to have an operation in which he had to cancel his holiday drunk-fest with his family..) that was when he told me he wanted a divorce, a week later he retracted that. Three months later, he said he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore, a week later he announced he was moving in with another woman once they moved her husband off the couch and out of the house.

 

Even though I admit we had so many issues that I should have been glad to be rid of him, it was the betrayal more that his leaving that left the deep wounds.

 

I'm going to say it one last time...

 

STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM...START WORKING ON WHAT'S HAPPENING NEXT IN THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!

 

I'm hoping I'm not being too subtle here.

 

Here's the thing. Even if he called you today and said he was leaving her...YOU are still held back because you've done NOTHING to resolve your own sitaution at home.

 

Make a damned choice...him, or husband. Either way, once you make your choice, you need to do some work at home before you consider anything outside of the house. If you choose OM...you need to seperate from H. If you choose H...you need to inform H, and work your ass off to repair the damage you've done there.

 

Sitting there breathing isn't making progress towards any goal.

 

Get off your butt and do something.

 

Bears repeating.....as this is a da*n good post and wake up call.

 

Owl definitely tells it like it is and it is time to start making some decisions even if they are wrong...I don't think the decision is that easy, especially for an emotional female...when I talked to the Counselor yesterday he said my situation was "convoluted"...lots of things that haven't been addressed on this board that affect making a decision...yes, H has chosen to stay without having all the details, but I have never led him to believe our M was out of the woods...he has made some really bad decisions that weren't dealt with properly when MM came into the picture. He continues with some behaviors that do not lend themselves toward making a happy M...however, he is a good man and he has lots of excellent qualities...and just like everyone else, he has some not so great qualities...those that you only see when you live with a person.

 

OPT - in your postings, the only remorse that really gets my attention is that you got caught (the first time) and that you feel rejected now due to the latest issue. Yes, you state many times it is wrong, but even just as a reader here, I'm not convinced you won't try again.

 

But this part above, in bold: You never really led your husband to believe that the marriage was out of the woods yet. I guess I need more info on this and how it relates to his poor behavior and bad decisions when the MM came into the picture. And after learning about the affair, he continues to have some behavior issues that do not lend to making a good marriage...what type of marriage are you looking for? In these discussions, your concern is primarily on how you feel rejected and hurt by the MM and concern over HIS situation....but there really is absolutely NO CONCERN over your husband's FEELINGS when/if you ever decide to tell him. This above is as if you are invalidating your husband as a person with feelings. I guess if you come on here and tell us he was a monster the whole time you were married, you may be able to gain some sympathy....but I get the feeling you can't justify that.

 

A very dear friend said to me yesterday to examine the situation and be honest with myself about what the worst possible outcome could be...that would be that I would end up totally by myself including the loss of family and friends...I would lose alot of respect from people in my life that I value and want to keep their respect. But in the end, if left alone, I would survive, I would take care of myself and my kids (about grown) and I would move on...maybe I would even discover things about myself that I never knew...who knows? Maybe I would be a lonely old widow woman with 52 cats and miserable? Again, who knows....

 

There is nothing wrong with being alone, it's actually very freeing to get to pick and choose what behaviors you will and won't put up with in people and in relationships. If you wind up with 52 cats and miserable, that's a choice you make. In reality, you may come to like it (I wouldn't recommend continuing to pursue any MM's unless it's the thrill that you've become addicted to). I don't mean to be harsh.....but hopefully you learned a valuable lesson.

 

I do hope you do the right thing for the right reasons and not stay in the marriage because you fear being alone or fear that your reputation will be tarnished....once people have something else to talk about, your story will be old news. I can't help to think about the comment about the "stuff"....what 53 year old man marries a 20-something year old woman and doesn't get a pre-nupt.....apologies, but the MM doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the tool box. Maybe she will see this opportunity and take him for all he's got, I would and then I would sell it in a yard sale for a nickel.

 

OPT - You asked me on the S&D thread what were my regrets being four years out from my divorce....I have several. a) I married him after being engaged 12 years....I should have known he wouldn't change (husband) b) I didn't leave him when I knew he was a verbal and emotional abuser and c) I was faithful to him when I had plenty of opportunities not to be. Now he and his AP are each other's problems....and they are the same chaotic and drama-laden problems he and I had before. Not having to deal with the exH and his issues is freedom.

[msoptimistic]

So a week ago tomorrow I came on here in a major crisis because a text had been intercepted by MM's W. I was completely blindsided by lots of things and hurt over lots of things that should have seemed insignificant (i.e. his referring to her as "my wife"). Yes, I had lots of misplaced feelings such as worried about what he might be going through vs. comparing how I felt at such rejection to how my H must feel from me...so this weekend I've spent alot of time thinking and here's the result...I did put MM on a pedestal. I had an idea of how we were and there was no way that anyone was going to convince me differently. We were going to be different, the exception to every rule. And yes if that meant hurting other people in the process then they would just have to deal with it cause I wanted it. However, now I realize that while he was lying TO me he was also probably lying ABOUT her. While putting him on a pedestal I was also assuming she was the scum of the earth. After all, how could anyone treat this wonderful man as anything less than Prince Charming, right (sarcasm)? But what if I was wrong and she was making all her emotional "deposits" into this man? What if he was what she built her life around and planned her future toward? I would never tell her that 1 month into their M and for the following 19 months he may have been in her world but he also spent alot of time in my world. I don't think it's my place to talk to her and have no intentions of going there...

So, am I still hurt and sad and grieving and confused? You betcha...do I spend a whole lot more time thinking about what I have put H through and how he deserves so much better? Yep and I have talked his ear off this weekend about how we got so off course and where we both are in life...will it work out for us? I don't know...still lots of decisions to be made, but maybe with a clearer mind...

Someone said there was no chance at a M when there was a 3rd party involved and that is absolutely true. The problem comes when the 3rd party is gone physically but not emotionally and I'm not sure when you ever start to get him out of your head...making yourself think about his less than wonderful qualities may help lessen some hurt, but the grief at letting go of the dream is still terribly painful...maybe even worse because you have to grieve the dream and the person you thought was the love of your life?

Rambling over...thanks for another vent...I needed it!

[wasntlooking]

I can relate to your last post. I have actually been feeling better about my NC lately. I still have a hard tike thinking of bad qualities of him. It ended ok and he was always respectful of me and never spoke bad of his wife eithef. I do wish i had some bad thoughts of him to think of it would help. He did lie and cheat so i guess thats one. I need more lol