Ally-65 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Hi to you others out there. I'm not sure where to post this, but think that this "forum" is probably the most appropriate. I'll try to make it brief and to the point. I'm really hoping for an outside opinion to my situation. I started an affair with a married man in January 2013. He is someone that I Work with but that does not really have any bearing on the case. He had been married for 10 years but told me that he had been unhappy within the marriage for the last 5, hence the start of the affair. I was single anyway. It was quite intense to start with (as is usual I guess. I should point out that I have never had a relationship with anyone who is "attached" before). We texted alot and he came to see me several times a week. He said that he and his wife were constantly fighting and it was bad. In April, he and his wife agreed to divorce and he moved out of the Family home to rented accomodation. This is when things changed between him and I. He became more distant and although he still came to see me just as much, he stopped telling me he loved me and the texts got less frequent. We have now been seeing each other for over a year. The divorce is not final - over here it takes at least 6 months from after the change of address (which he did not do until about a month ago, for business reasons). He still wears his wedding ring and he still has a Picture of his wife on his phone. As in the Picture is the screen saver. "We" are still a secret - not allowed to be publicly seen - he does not want his wife to know. He does not text me very often, although still wants to see me and is extremly affectionate and loving, when he is here. Is this going anywhere or am I totally being used?
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Do you know 100% for sure he's moved out? Have you seen divorce papers? Fact that he still wears his ring is questionable and he is keeping you a secret too... Do they have children? Have you actually been to his new place or is he still living with his wife?
carhill Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Presuming the divorce process is independently verifiable as proceeding (case summary/docket/motions/filings etc), my opinion would be that you were classed as an 'exit affair'. Having experienced this with MW's, they engage in such actions as a springboard to gathering the 'whatever' to divorce and generally, if acting in the way your MM is apparently acting, view the other party as the tool to effect the goal. In some cases, the affair partner can serve as a reminder of the 'bad days' during their marital breakdown and terminating the AP serves to 'cleanse' things moving forward, especially if the infidelity is non-disclosed. No one knows and the MM/MW exits golden and 'starts new' with an unsuspecting new partner. It's actually quite pragmatic and effective. If the divorcing BS was to come across evidence, verifiable evidence, of the affair, that could 'dirty' things up a bit. Probably no help to you but turnabout being fair play for the WS. I've seen a lot of the fringe of this type of dynamic in my life so perhaps have a more cynical view of people than other respondents might. In any event, it is what it is. People choose how they act. Good luck.
Got it Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Maybe, maybe not. If the dynamics of the relationship aren't working for you then you need to discuss with him. How would you address things with someone you were dating if you felt like you didn't get enough time because of how much they worked? Too into their family and not you? Hanging out with friends/other interests and doesn't include you. I think you discuss what you like, go over what you want/need, and get his feedback on what he can do. Maybe he is keeping you at arm's length, maybe he is just not seeing the needs to change things, maybe . . . . You have to have the conversation with him and see what he has to say.
carhill Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 OP, so I'm clear, his 'distance' from you started in April 2013 after he allegedly moved into 'rented accommodations'? Also, you wrote that, after, he 'came to see me' less. Given he was living independently, do you ever go to see him? Sure seems like a lot of 'distance' for someone who had told you he loved you and was so intense. Here's another scenario from my portfolio. This is called the 'catch and maintain' scenario. He catches you, then puts you into 'maintenance' mode. The combination of intensity, sex and emotional words and phrases gets you to invest, then he throttles back with infrequent and less intense inputs, leaving you wanting for more. This is a pretty common strategy in my demographic. First, it's convenient and economical; second, it allows for more than one fish to be on the line at a time. While he's 'distant' he can be fishing with his other lure. I'm mentioning this because you're now coming up on a year of him being 'distant'. IMO, if there was a future for you, a healthy one anyway, you'd be a regular visitor at his domicile and your R would be progressing as his M was terminating. If he and his W are living separately, it's no surprise that they're not together anymore, so nothing really to hide. Oh, lastly, wedding ring and picture of wife.....interesting. Sometimes it's the little things that leave the clearest messages. Makes for a good mystery, yes? That's another tool in the infidelity toolbox to keep the AP wondering. Wonder is thoughts of. It works.
MissBee Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) Hi to you others out there. I'm not sure where to post this, but think that this "forum" is probably the most appropriate. I'll try to make it brief and to the point. I'm really hoping for an outside opinion to my situation. I started an affair with a married man in January 2013. He is someone that I Work with but that does not really have any bearing on the case. He had been married for 10 years but told me that he had been unhappy within the marriage for the last 5, hence the start of the affair. I was single anyway. It was quite intense to start with (as is usual I guess. I should point out that I have never had a relationship with anyone who is "attached" before). We texted alot and he came to see me several times a week. He said that he and his wife were constantly fighting and it was bad. In April, he and his wife agreed to divorce and he moved out of the Family home to rented accomodation. This is when things changed between him and I. He became more distant and although he still came to see me just as much, he stopped telling me he loved me and the texts got less frequent. We have now been seeing each other for over a year. The divorce is not final - over here it takes at least 6 months from after the change of address (which he did not do until about a month ago, for business reasons). He still wears his wedding ring and he still has a Picture of his wife on his phone. As in the Picture is the screen saver. "We" are still a secret - not allowed to be publicly seen - he does not want his wife to know. He does not text me very often, although still wants to see me and is extremly affectionate and loving, when he is here. Is this going anywhere or am I totally being used? Have you asked him what's going on? To me, it sounds like this man is not completely happy with the divorce decision and may be having regrets and is leaving the door open to rekindle his marriage by making sure you're a secret, as chances are his wife knowing about you may close the door forever in his mind, and by being distant with you and even the fact that his wife is his screensaver confirms that this isn't a man who is emotionally finished with his marriage and all in with you. Who knows how the divorce/move out came about, if he got kicked out or voluntarily did so, either way, this man is not at all someone who is ready for a new relationship. The problem with many affairs is that when reality hits its a different story. I would have a frank talk with him and also expect that he may need lots of time to move on and heal from this. Think about it: most people avoid dating single people fresh out of a breakup as it is highly likely that they are not over their ex and will be carrying lots of residual feelings, baggage, wanting emotional suppport and a crutch but aren't actually ready to have something sustainable. With married people who are separated but not divorced and esp with his behavior, where he is not any closer but distant, it is even more apparent that he's not ready and you've been dragged (and willingly agreed) into unfinished business. I'd talk to him and see where his head is and express my concerns and feelings, then I'd also be willing to break things off and allow him time to move on so he can be present for you, IF, he wants. Unfortunately, like the rebound person who is a temporary bandaid, sometimes an AP can also serve as that bandaid but when D is in the works or a dday comes up they get tossed to the side or the MP either starts resenting them in some way or simply the scales fall off and they aren't as "in love" as they were when it was a secret A and "all was well." Edited February 4, 2014 by MissBee 1
Quiet Storm Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 My guess is that his wife is the one that decided to divorce. And that he doesn't want to be divorced. Which is why he wears the ring & has her photo on his phone.
herenow Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Is it possible that he wears the ring around you and has the picture of his wife because he knows you don't have a problem with him being married? You are OK being a secret so he may not see any reason to change that either. It's also possible that he can now, as an almost single guy, approach women who would not have been interested in him while he was with his wife and that is taking some of his time. No matter what, he is the only person who can answer your questions. Any answers you get from anyone else is pure speculation. However, I must admit many LSers are really good at speculation.
glowing Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Just from my own experience (which sounds familiar up to a point) there are a few red flags here. When my MM (now DH) left his wife for his own place he communicated with me what his plan was. We saw each other even more than before, he attended counseling, and just waited until his divorce was over. He didn't want to do anything to make the divorce even harder to get through. Once that was done, we began publicly dating and he notified his ex-wife. He continued his therapy, we dated for several years but did not live together until we were married. There's a point at which the relationship can shift from a secret to a real relationship. For us, it was wonderful. I loved (and still marvel at) being out in public with him, waking up with him, actual time spent together. So my thought is this: If he hasn't communicated to you what his plan is, if you feel he's becoming distant and don't feel comfortable asking him, that is a red flag, and a big one. He may be realizing he's free and may want to check out what's available. Or he may be trying to figure out his life on his own. Or he could be biding his time until it's final. Regardless, communication is key.
xAkulax Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 They all ways say i'm unhappy with my marriage tell dday then its I cant live withe my spouse lol
glowing Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 They all ways say i'm unhappy with my marriage tell dday then its I cant live withe my spouse lol Not all
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