notashyviolet Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I found an older similar thread on this very topic. Comforting! So my husband offered to train my gf for an upcoming race, one that i wasn't even invited to. NOT ok w/ it for two reasons: 1. My husband & I still have trust issues we're working on. 2. She is not happy in her marriage and has made a few...mistakes. Not judging just on alert. So I did the wrong thing, and threw a fit and addressed it incorrectly. I guess I was hurt, and my hurt doesn't come out very eloquently. He was instantly angry. (red flag! ya think??) Then she, out of the blue, decided to ask me if I was ok WITH A TRAIN SESSION ALREADY SCHEDULED W/ HIM! It was a matter of me having to choose to either put my foot down or let it happen. Either way, I'm in a crappy spot b/c naturally, she'll think I'm insecure. Now, two days after the storm. He still thinks I'm crazy and she knows something's up. Frustrated. Emotionally exhausted. And definitely not ok.
harrybrown Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Have her train with someone else. You should train with your husband. How would your husband like you to train with Brad Pitt? Did you ask your H about how he would feel about the lack of boundaries with someone of the opposite sex? You are not okay with it and that should be final. Tell him if he wants to train your friend, have him sign an agreement that if they have an affair, he pays triple alimony, etc. What is good for one spouse should be good for the other spouse. Please excuse the reference to Brad Pitt. I am a guy and I do not know the actors that you ladies find attractive.
Author notashyviolet Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 of course he claims he'd have no issue with it the other way around. riiiight. we have mma dvds she could have borrowed. and it's jiu jitsu & boxing he was going to train her on. (um, talk about close contact needed!) but no, they wanted to train tog. i'm not stupid. highly disappointed that this happened behind my back, and now i have to look like the insecure wife. grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 go train with her together, or go watch. If they have a problem with that, that's their problem. Why do you and H have trust issues, anyway ....? (Where does the race come in...? )
kjohn Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Don't worry about "looking like the insecure wife." Do whatever it takes to save your marriage and to Hell with what anyone else thinks about. If you and your husband already have trust issues, all the more reason to go with your gut and not let something happen. I know it's easier said than done to not let it bother you. Just tell your friend and your husband the same thing I told my BF in a similar situation…you can think whatever you want to think about me and call me whatever name you want to call me but the bottom line is that I will do whatever it takes to protect my relationship. Let's face it, there are a lot of immoral people in this world. You can't put your husband in a bubble and prevent him from having any contact with anyone, but you also don't have to send him into a lion's den holding a steak if you know what I mean! 1
Author notashyviolet Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 kjohn, thx for those words. i'm still feeling like a sh*t for getting upset. but seriously, i know what i did was right. (my delivery wasn't the greatest but i was totally p*ssed). he put a stop to me meeting a childhood friend (male) for coffee. no big deal; i didn't meet him. in retrospect, it was a good call of my husband's. if this gf of mine were content w/ her man and not so ...overtly sexual, then i wouldn't have thought twice about it. i would have wanted to train with them too! but not the case & my gut knew it. she got pissy when my husband told her he had to cancel their training session. yea, who called it?? me!
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 If you two were already having trust issues, your husband should have talked to you about this before & continued to discuss it with you even after you got upset. If you had no bad prior history this wouldn't be a big deal but under these circumstances you have every right to expect reassurance, not petty behavior. If your GF was a real friend she'd call it off. The fact that she's not makes me wonder about her character too.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You already know the guy isn't trustworthy, so I don't know what you're fretting about coming off as the "insecure wife"...most wives don't want their husbands around another woman...an attractive woman at that, or even worse highly sexual and in a troubled relationship. And save your relationship from what? If the guy is going to cheat, he's going to cheat...you can't stop him. What do you want to do?..."prevent" him from cheating? why waste your time and energy? if the man's gonna cheat he's gonna cheat, does it make you feel better you corner him to force him to be committed and "trustworthy" because that's what YOU want him to be? but he only maintain his faithfulness and appropriate behavior as long as you're riding his @ss? what kind of @ss backwards thinking is that? very common, but very stupid. SAVE your marriage...ha! how about you save yourself...from more wasted time and more wasted heartache, not only was you're husband making a move you're friend or whatever was willing to accept, so obvious clues are obvious...what kind of confirmation do you need? that's what irks me about people, they need "red-handed" in order to prove it themselves...what a waste of time and energy. But go ahead...do the "work" for your marriage....try to "save" your marriage, and when you think you've got all the corners checked and you've looked under the bed....BAM! smack in your face, likely just like the first time...and then who do you blame, him?....or yourself? Takes two to tango people, can't save a marriage by yourself or relationship for that matter by yourself...you can't change someone or make someone want to change, hell you can't even really "help" them...you either become the enabler or a monkey around their neck trying to "fix" them....because let me guess, he can't help himself. Of course he's going to call you crazy and put the blame on you, that's what people do to avoid blame, to avoid responsibility, what do you expect to him to do, just come clean? did he come clean before about cheating or did you have to figure it out yourself? And you're worried about your initial reaction...ha! the man's got you manipulated and played for a fool already.
Author notashyviolet Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 jeesh. that was neither helpful nor intelligent. thanks nina for the optimism. everyone is on here to WORK on their relationships to some degree. seriously, that was just...bitter.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 jeesh. that was neither helpful nor intelligent. thanks nina for the optimism. everyone is on here to WORK on their relationships to some degree. seriously, that was just...bitter. I'm just telling you how it straight is, I don't see how you would blame yourself and I don't see how you're going to change this guy. Relationships are about compromise and communication, trust and respect.. Communication level - doesn't want to talk to you about things, probably blames you and turns the situation back on you whenever you want to talk about it and says you're the issues, you're just being paranoid and insecure Compromise - there is no compromise because he doesn't accept that he's even doing anything wrong, therefore he sees you in the wrong here and he expects you to with-drawl or furthermore he will claim you instigated bad behavior Trust - pretty obvious here, doesn't help that he's offering to train other women privately...why do you think he wants to spend time with her? why do you think she wants to spend time with him? it takes about two seconds to figure that one out...not only does he demonstrate behavior that is untrustworthy but he clearly doesn't agree with the boundaries of this relationship and I very much doubt he will accept responsibility for anything you accuse him of Respect - you feel disrespect as you should, but he throws the insecure card at you and since you are being sensitive about it you want to believe that maybe you did something wrong...I bet the guy always goes on the attack and reverses every situation back on you...how's that for intelligent? What am I not getting here? where is the bitterness? what kind of optimism do you want to hear? Things are going to get better, that you should just maybe talk to him again so he can essentially shut you down? You know if anything I'm bitter about? it's the fact that you're going to wait for this guy to have to do something wrong in order for you to read the writing on the wall and then I have to imagine how you're going to feel after that...then what are you going to do, think or feel? but nope, he's done nothing to help himself out and he's only showing you by continuing bad behavior and who knows what you think...maybe you just want to believe it was really just some innocent thing right? You want me to lie to you instead? You're talking to someone who's been a cheater, I know what it's all about, I know exactly what this guy is doing and thinking, it's like a freshly printed newspaper in my hands...but no, don't listen to me.
xxoo Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 It definitely sounds like something was up between them, and you were the party-pooper who ruined their good time. His wife ruined their good time I wouldn't sweep it under the carpet. The marriage needs a tune up. Figure out why he wants to have a good time with this other woman, instead of first and foremost wanting to have a good time with you.
Sparty97 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 "He was instantly angry. (red flag! ya think??)" Actually no. If I were essentially accused of something I had not done I would be angry too.
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