I love my girlfriend, but not attracted to her anymore.

[SomethingStrange]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now, so I'll try and condense the situation as much as possible. I'm 23 and she's 21.

Our relationship was good, up until the moment I confessed to my girlfriend I had tried out MDMA at a party, about 1 year into our relationship. At first she said she was okay with it and she didn't understand why I was so scared to tell her. However, after a while she changed her mind and made a big deal about it. She doesn't allow me to use any drugs, which I'm fine with, but its the root to her trust issues with me.

 

Up until 2-2.5 years into the relationship, everything seemed fine and manageable. However, she started using the drugs issue, and some other stuff that happened, as a tool to control me; to guilt trip me, or to justify me into not going out partying, choosing her instead of my friends, etc.

 

We got into some heavy water, but talked it out and decided to stay together. Now, the last year has been going good. I'm very caring for her, I make time for her and put her first. However, she seems to keep tightening her grip on me. An example; After being with her for 8 days straight before and during christmas, visiting her and my family, I had planned a late christmas dinner with my friends on the 27th of December (including two female friends, who she admittedly 'doesn't like', but can't tell me why).

My girlfriend knew this. A day before, she asked me if she could sleep over at my place because she had to be somewhere early and my place was more convenient. Sure, I said, but I'll be home late because I'm probably going to be drinking some wine and having a good time. I came home that night around 3.30, to find my girlfriend in bed, and she was mad as hell. She started kicking me and hitting me, saying I should have been more considerate of her, and have come home earlier. I was flabbergasted.

We didn't talk the day after, and when we did see again, she brushed the whole thing off: "oh yeah, that was nothing". BUT, she never apologized!

 

Now this is only an example of how she controls me, but there's a lot more. I know she loves me and only wants the best, but she seems quite selfish at times, even though she doesn't realize.

 

Anyway, I think it's things like these that have got me thinking about our relationship. More recently, I have started becoming uninterested sexually; I no longer initiate sex, while I usually was the one that couldn't do without. The strange thing is; She's a gorgeous woman, beautiful as they come, and I can see that. Yet I find a lot of the attraction that I had for her is gone somehow, and I think maybe her behaviour is to blame.

 

I'm torn about what to do. I've been thinking about breaking it off for a long time now. I can't see being living in a relationship without sex or attraction, especially not for the rest of my life. But I love my girlfriend so much, and she's so dependent on me and I know she would be devestated if I broke up with her. The strange thing is, she's very convinced that our relationship is doing great; she's nagging me to start planning our vacation this summer: a commitment I am scared to take at the moment, but I can't push myself to tell her because that would mean the end of us..

 

I'm sorry for the long, incoherent read, but I hope someone can relate and maybe give some insight into this.

[Philosoraptor]

You're unhappy with her actions, and she's unhappy with a lot of your choices.

 

You needn't walk on eggshells or conform to what she wants. Once the "honeymoon" period ended she lost the rose colored glasses and wasn't able to overlook what she wasn't happy with. You enabled her control by conforming bit by bit, and now you've seen that she's got a vision in her mind and she wants you to be it.

 

Sadly this is simple incompatibility. She wants to change you to the person she wants you to be, and you don't want to be that person. Be honest, end it, and give no false hope. You'll both find someone you're more compatible with in time.

[Madman81]

I'll use the female version of this, because in this case we're talking about a woman:

 

"Reality: no matter how beautiful she may be, somewhere there's a guy who's tired of putting up with her shyt."

[Emilia]

But I love my girlfriend so much, and she's so dependent on me and I know she would be devestated if I broke up with her. The strange thing is, she's very convinced that our relationship is doing great; she's nagging me to start planning our vacation this summer: a commitment I am scared to take at the moment, but I can't push myself to tell her because that would mean the end of us..

I've just read somewhere that many women under the age 30 believe the relationship they are in will be the only one they will ever have regardless how bad it is.

 

OP, how much is the bolded part dominating your decision on the future?

[Keenly]

I had to deal with this same BS crap in my last relationship. It does not get better, it only gets worse.

She believes that she owns you and owns your attention , and anytime your attention gives some were else she is going to get mad and guilt trip you.

 

You decide what you want to do about it, but she isn't going to change.

..she sounds so controlling. I don't know how you put up with.

 

 

Its like living with a clingy, needy, insecure mom .

[TXGuy]

You are in an abusive relationship. Attempting to isolate you from your friends and physical violence is textbook. It will get worse, not better.

 

Many will laugh off the dv because you are the man. Don't minimize this.

 

If nothing else, realize if the police are called for a DV incident, chances are you will be the one going to jail, even if she was the one hitting you.

 

It sounds like this relationship has run it's course. You are not living together nor do you have kids. You can get out clean now.

[ktya]

Ive been there.

 

Girl wants to monopolize your time, is jealous of anything you do without her, keeps dragging up things from the past as a trump card to win an argument that should never have been started in the first place... You feel fatigued and no longer have that spark, you spend more time debating what you did wrong than having fun together. Every conversation, no matter how nice it starts out on your end, warps into this never ending saga about how wrong you are or how you need to change or how you wronged her.

 

Youve been with her for a long time, and interia kicks in. Intertia is that we like to keep on doing what were already doing. Making the choice to rip the band aid off is hard, and girls like this make it harder. The moment you grow the kahunas to say maybe were done, she will act like a perfect girlfriend for a little bit to rope you back in then slide back to where she started.

 

Eventually you will look at other girls and want to cheat to escape. Maybe you will but maybe you wont but she will accuse you of doing it anyway even without evidence. She will be checking your phone and computer looking for evidence and will find other unrelated stuff and grill you about it.

 

Its hard but your at the point its time to break up. You will be amazed at how much fun your missing out on with girls once you do.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now, so I'll try and condense the situation as much as possible. I'm 23 and she's 21.

Our relationship was good, up until the moment I confessed to my girlfriend I had tried out MDMA at a party, about 1 year into our relationship. At first she said she was okay with it and she didn't understand why I was so scared to tell her. However, after a while she changed her mind and made a big deal about it. She doesn't allow me to use any drugs, which I'm fine with, but its the root to her trust issues with me.

 

Up until 2-2.5 years into the relationship, everything seemed fine and manageable. However, she started using the drugs issue, and some other stuff that happened, as a tool to control me; to guilt trip me, or to justify me into not going out partying, choosing her instead of my friends, etc.

 

We got into some heavy water, but talked it out and decided to stay together. Now, the last year has been going good. I'm very caring for her, I make time for her and put her first. However, she seems to keep tightening her grip on me. An example; After being with her for 8 days straight before and during christmas, visiting her and my family, I had planned a late christmas dinner with my friends on the 27th of December (including two female friends, who she admittedly 'doesn't like', but can't tell me why).

My girlfriend knew this. A day before, she asked me if she could sleep over at my place because she had to be somewhere early and my place was more convenient. Sure, I said, but I'll be home late because I'm probably going to be drinking some wine and having a good time. I came home that night around 3.30, to find my girlfriend in bed, and she was mad as hell. She started kicking me and hitting me, saying I should have been more considerate of her, and have come home earlier. I was flabbergasted.

We didn't talk the day after, and when we did see again, she brushed the whole thing off: "oh yeah, that was nothing". BUT, she never apologized!

 

Now this is only an example of how she controls me, but there's a lot more. I know she loves me and only wants the best, but she seems quite selfish at times, even though she doesn't realize.

 

Anyway, I think it's things like these that have got me thinking about our relationship. More recently, I have started becoming uninterested sexually; I no longer initiate sex, while I usually was the one that couldn't do without. The strange thing is; She's a gorgeous woman, beautiful as they come, and I can see that. Yet I find a lot of the attraction that I had for her is gone somehow, and I think maybe her behaviour is to blame.

 

I'm torn about what to do. I've been thinking about breaking it off for a long time now. I can't see being living in a relationship without sex or attraction, especially not for the rest of my life. But I love my girlfriend so much, and she's so dependent on me and I know she would be devestated if I broke up with her. The strange thing is, she's very convinced that our relationship is doing great; she's nagging me to start planning our vacation this summer: a commitment I am scared to take at the moment, but I can't push myself to tell her because that would mean the end of us..

 

I'm sorry for the long, incoherent read, but I hope someone can relate and maybe give some insight into this.

 

Nope, nope, nope. The train stops here. Imagine if she'd come home from a night out with friends, and you started to kick and hit her.

 

It doesn't matter if she's smaller than you or if it didn't hurt. You've made some poor decisions in the past. That does not justify her becoming physically violent. Her actions are beyond inappropriate, period.

 

What would you advise your sister or female friend to do if her boyfriend hit and kicked her?

[mortensorchid]

Sorry to say this, but you two are done. I think much of it has to do with the fact that you are both very young, and though you didn't say, I think this is the first LTR for you both. Is it bad? Is it good? It can be many things, to be sure. Chances are you have both learned a lot about each other and yourselves. However, based on what you have said, it seems that you have outgrown one another.

 

 

You made your comment about using drugs. Don't think that this is a bad thing, we all do them in our early 20s because we think it's cool. It's part of maturity. Are you also staying out until dawn some days? Guess what, most everyone else did as well. You get that rowdiness out of your system, I think you are on your upward curve now. You should not be with each other during this time.

 

 

Move on soon.

[JOYTOME]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now, so I'll try and condense the situation as much as possible. I'm 23 and she's 21.

Our relationship was good, up until the moment I confessed to my girlfriend I had tried out MDMA at a party, about 1 year into our relationship. At first she said she was okay with it and she didn't understand why I was so scared to tell her. However, after a while she changed her mind and made a big deal about it. She doesn't allow me to use any drugs, which I'm fine with, but its the root to her trust issues with me.

 

Up until 2-2.5 years into the relationship, everything seemed fine and manageable. However, she started using the drugs issue, and some other stuff that happened, as a tool to control me; to guilt trip me, or to justify me into not going out partying, choosing her instead of my friends, etc.

 

We got into some heavy water, but talked it out and decided to stay together. Now, the last year has been going good. I'm very caring for her, I make time for her and put her first. However, she seems to keep tightening her grip on me. An example; After being with her for 8 days straight before and during christmas, visiting her and my family, I had planned a late christmas dinner with my friends on the 27th of December (including two female friends, who she admittedly 'doesn't like', but can't tell me why).

My girlfriend knew this. A day before, she asked me if she could sleep over at my place because she had to be somewhere early and my place was more convenient. Sure, I said, but I'll be home late because I'm probably going to be drinking some wine and having a good time. I came home that night around 3.30, to find my girlfriend in bed, and she was mad as hell. She started kicking me and hitting me, saying I should have been more considerate of her, and have come home earlier. I was flabbergasted.

We didn't talk the day after, and when we did see again, she brushed the whole thing off: "oh yeah, that was nothing". BUT, she never apologized!

 

Now this is only an example of how she controls me, but there's a lot more. I know she loves me and only wants the best, but she seems quite selfish at times, even though she doesn't realize.

 

Anyway, I think it's things like these that have got me thinking about our relationship. More recently, I have started becoming uninterested sexually; I no longer initiate sex, while I usually was the one that couldn't do without. The strange thing is; She's a gorgeous woman, beautiful as they come, and I can see that. Yet I find a lot of the attraction that I had for her is gone somehow, and I think maybe her behaviour is to blame.

 

I'm torn about what to do. I've been thinking about breaking it off for a long time now. I can't see being living in a relationship without sex or attraction, especially not for the rest of my life. But I love my girlfriend so much, and she's so dependent on me and I know she would be devestated if I broke up with her. The strange thing is, she's very convinced that our relationship is doing great; she's nagging me to start planning our vacation this summer: a commitment I am scared to take at the moment, but I can't push myself to tell her because that would mean the end of us..

 

I'm sorry for the long, incoherent read, but I hope someone can relate and maybe give some insight into this.

 

Have you spoken to her about her behaviour? I mean have you had a candid and sincere conversation with her where you disclosed your dissatisfaction regarding her selfishness? You say she doesn't realise how selfish she is...so have you ever TOLD her just how selfish she is? Don't you think she deserves to at least get a shot at trying to mend her ways before you pull the plug? My advice would be to speak to her and give her an opportunity to become more selfless. If she makes no effort to, then you can break up with her knowing you've done your best.

 

Sometimes women become too clingy when they're in close-knit relationships. Sometimes they get carried away and want to spend all their time with their partners. I do agree that her behaviour is unacceptable but has she been given the opportunity to improve her behaviour towards you?

Edited February 5, 2014 by JOYTOME