confuzed23 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) Good Morning, I posted a few months back about a long distance relationship I’m in where I was seeing some red flags; while most of that has disappeared I still see contradicting actions. Between this, my busy schedule and the distance I have made up my mind I want to call it quits. She’s a nice girl, nicer than it looked with some of those flags earlier but my feelings already hit a peak and have gone down since, we have been together 6 months and have never told each other “I Love you.” We live about 1 hour and 15 minutes apart, I have kids she does not. With this schedule we were seeing each other every other weekend which consisted of me going down there and staying the weekend. These were also rough on me since I felt like I was never home and doing anything with my friends or in my area and on the other weekend I’d be taking care of my kids. In addition to this we would shoot for one sometimes two weekdays but because of the distance this has also prove tough, by the time one of us gets to the others place after work we end up having a few hours and a late night because of the drive. This has proven to be hard on me as well, work is hard being tired the next day. To further complicate things my kids now have events in which I will not miss their games on those off weekends and the full weekend has turned into 1 ½ days. On top of this I work in IT and sometimes do weekend work, I can’t come in on the weekends I have kids and projects are ramping up again and will be expected to work some of those off weekends, which she doesn’t know yet. I feel like I am giving her “Scraps” and that’s all I can really do without great sacrifice. I know that she can’t really be happy herself deep down, yet I feel a lot of guilt and am finding it hard to gather the courage to do this. I don’t want to hurt her but I see this going no further. I am inexperienced at this dating thing, been divorced a year and had one other shorter relationship where we weirdly drifted apart, total rebound. She sent me a text this morning stating she has an idea how to see me more on the weekend, debating if I should use this as an “in” and reply “what are your ideas, because I have been making myself feel really bad over the lack of time”(It has taken a small toll on me). I plan on doing it in person after work tomorrow, but I’m really scared and don’t want to hurt her. To complicate it her longtime boss is leaving work this week, her Birthday and Valentine ’s Day are next week, but I delayed it because of the holidays already and I guess there is never really a goodtime, so I debate waiting until 2 weeks from now to do it. I know I am making a much more big deal out of it then it is but any advice/tips from those that have been through this is greatly appreciated. I’m losing sleep and it’s taking its toll on me, being a caring person can suck sometimes Thanks for listening to the ramble and any advice you may have. Edited February 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I wouldn't delay it just because of her birthday and Valentine's Day. If you do, she'll only look back at how you treated her on those days as fake anyway 'how could be have given me this gift/taken me out here/said those nice things when he was planning to leave me all along!?' better to just be authentic, the sooner the better. How about: 'Listen, you're an amazing person and I've really enjoyed our six months together. But unfortunately the distance is too much for me right now and I think I'd be happier being able to spend more time with my kids and friends in my city. You're a wonderful person and I'm sure you'd be happier too with somebody closer by to where you live. I'd like to stay friends but I understand if you don't want that' In person, of course. You owe her that after six months. The downside to doing this nicely is that she might grasp at straws 'but I'll move closer to you? We don't have to see each other as often?' etc. but you must make it crystal clear that it's over. If she pushes, a simple 'it's just not going to work for me, I'm sorry'.
pyramid Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Just get it over with tomorrow. If you have truly made up your mind, then dragging it out is only leading her on. Not every relationship is meant to last forever! You have a busy life and this is just too much for right now, esp if feelings have fallen off.
devilish innocent Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 It sounds like you have your mind pretty made up about wanting to break up with her. I think now you just need to let her know and get it over with. Otherwise, you could be finding excuses to put it off forever. She'll be hurt, but she'll get over it. Everybody knows getting dumped is a risk you take whenever you get involved with somebody. She's been through it before. She's survived it then, and she'll survive it now. The alternative of stringing somebody along just because you're afraid to hurt them is worse in the long term. If you haven't replied to her text yet, I probably would just say, "We can talk when we see each other again." That way you're not giving her the impression that you'll be making more time for her just before you break up with her. If you've already sent the text out, though, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. It shouldn't change things a whole lot. Just be brave with this. Being honest with her is the right thing to do. Good luck!
Author confuzed23 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Thank you for the advice and support, it is much appreciated. I know Im making a bigger deal about it then it is, I mean I went through a divorce where I had much more time and emotion invested, I chalk it up to post divorce dating inexperience. If I knew then what I know know I would have pulled the trigger in the time of my initial post at the end November. As to your advice then my excuse was to get through the holidays, but at that point I also felt like there was still a chance. I am just so nervous about and dreading hurting her tomorrow, she has never been married and dated allot more than I have, she is probably better equipped to cope with this than I am. But still feeling guilt and worry, thanks all for your support.
pyramid Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 It's really hard to know where the line is between making sure you gave things a fair chance... to looking back and feeling like an idiot. We've all been there. The first one is especially hard! But you have to put yourself and your kids first. Be compassionate but firm.
Author confuzed23 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Here is what I got, I'm going over there after work tonight, about 3 more hours. I hope I can remember it and say it as well as I put it here. I may print out a copy in case I get all emotional and can't speak I am sorry I cannot do this to you anymore. Between the distance and my schedule being unable to spend much time with you, I have brought a lot of pressure upon myself and I am feeling drained. It’s nothing you have done; you have been really good about it all. It’s even more difficult because I think you are an awesome person and have enjoyed the time we spent together. This has inadvertently affected the way I interact with and treat you. Not being able to plan nice things because of my schedule (missing Valentine’s Day and your birthday), being distant, not having as much intimacy, all because I am missing home, feeling stressed and knowing that I cannot give the time deserved or required to build a solid relationship. As much as I like you, the combination of distance and my busy schedule is too much for me to overcome, it has been killing me inside especially since our weekends got cut even shorter with my kids activities and upcoming work schedule. I am so sorry. Edited February 5, 2014 by confuzed23
Author confuzed23 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Well I did it, I drove all the way down there talked for 5 minutes and that was it. She said she couldn't say she was surprised and that she was almost going to tell me that she loved me "before this **** started." I couldn't refute the fact that when she said I liked her, but not enough to work it out or make the drive...however she is coming from a much different space than I am. It wasn't heated but it wasn't as friendly as I had hoped, but I suppose it is for the best. I did/do genuinely care for the woman, though it was hard to see a future with her maybe because of the distance with a combination of the time in my life. I don't know if it has all hit me yet, but I do feel like a giant jackass with a lot of guilt, but I am glad it is over. It was not fair to her and she had more to give at this point than I. So I bought some rum and coke on the way home and am going to enjoy that.....any advice, encouragement, feedback for the aftermath is greatly appreciated. Thank You for listening.
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