Met girl who works at coffee shop

February 4, 2014

I agree Zahara, thank you. I was just afraid that there was something else driving this whole thing. Like, was she just messing with me this whole time? Entertainment purposes? Reason being I'm trying to avoid this type of stuff in the future. I know that sounds bad but isn't there a chance she was just having some fun and there really was nothing there?

It took almost 2 weeks for us to a really hang out and when we went to lunch it looked as if she was ready to cry at points. I would make her laugh and smile and then it would all just go away moments later. Just trying to figure out if I was being played with or being used to fill voids type of thing.

Read what emva07 and Appreciate posted. You have to be smart enough to question people's motives -- especially when they have a boyfriend they claim to be their best friend for 6 years yet seek a total stranger to confide in, find it so easily to open up about their horrid past to a complete stranger and yes, sometimes people with poor self-esteem will use that as a manipulation tactic to receive validation, to get you to feel sorry for them -- she had a drug problem, eating disorder, and I am sure she has a huge void in her life.

There maybe nothing on her part, but there is something on your side.

She just met you and she's already on the verge of breaking down in tears. Isn't that a sign to you? You're already playing the part of emotional tampon to someone you don't even know. Stop and move on.

February 4, 2014

I am more seeking advice on exactly what is going on, I am quite confused. But thanks PegNosePete, you posted something anybody could say?

She has a boyfriend.

If something were to happen between you two, do you think it isnt possible for her to bail on you for another new guy too?

February 4, 2014

Yes, can I text her and end our "friendship"? And what would be the best way to go about this? In person?

February 4, 2014

Yes, can I text her and end our "friendship"? And what would be the best way to go about this? In person?

There is no need to text her. There is no need to see her in person. Just move on and let it go. Communicating about this opens the door to discussing this further and that may rope you in again.

And there is no friendship. Just because you smoked a few cigarettes and had lunch? Stop magnifying this into something it isn't.

She has a boyfriend, OP. It should not have come gotten to this point in the first place. Cut it off.

February 4, 2014

Thanks everyone, and you're all right. Anyways she still hasn't texted me back which Is sort of odd. We kind of agreed to just be friends, is that also a bad idea as well? When I see her the way she is I almost want to try and help her break free from it. Am I just fighting a losing battle here that people in the past have tried as well?

She's playing you.

Another poster said that she's cute on the outside and ugly on the inside. I'd just say she's all mixed up on the inside.

February 4, 2014

So the best way to play this situation is to stop going to the coffee shop and avoid contact and that's it? I shouldn't say anything to her?

I don't know I never think it's cool to just stop talking to someone like that...unless that's the best way to go about it. If I were to say something to her what can I say?

February 4, 2014

So the best way to play this situation is to stop going to the coffee shop and avoid contact and that's it? I shouldn't say anything to her?

I don't know I never think it's cool to just stop talking to someone like that...unless that's the best way to go about it. If I were to say something to her what can I say?

Do what you need to do, OP. I think it's futile to keep advising you when it seems like you just cannot leave well enough alone and deep down you want to contact her.

February 4, 2014

I took the advice you all gave me. There isn't 1 right way to do things, and personally I'd hate to just leave it without saying something. Especially where we are now...If it was earlier I feel like yeah I could just leave it alone. I'd like to at least say something to her before going away forever.

February 4, 2014

I took the advice you all gave me. There isn't 1 right way to do things, and personally I'd hate to just leave it without saying something. Especially where we are now...If it was earlier I feel like yeah I could just leave it alone. I'd like to at least say something to her before going away forever.

Where "we" are now? You hung out for a few cigarettes and you had lunch once. The way you are acting, it's pretty clear you are emotionally invested. There is no "we". We are telling you why she shared her past with you. We are telling you she has a boyfriend. We are telling you why she may have latched on to you. We are telling you that it's a bad sign that she is doing this behind her boyfriend's back, one she claims to be her best friend.

Why in heaven's name do you think you are responsible for her feelings and obligated to do right by "we"?

If for one and only reason why you should shut this down and move on, it is because she has a boyfriend and you should have never stuck your nose in her issues. Going around and waiting for her at the coffee shop. Reaching out to hug her.

If you have your answer, stop asking us what to say and what to do in terms of contact. No one is on board with that.

February 4, 2014

We agreed yesterday in person that we would hang out on Wednesday, so I don't want to be a jackass and just ignore her.

February 4, 2014

We agreed yesterday in person that we would hang out on Wednesday, so I don't want to be a jackass and just ignore her.

Then stop wasting our time and asking us what to do when you know what you want to do. We are not on board with you making contact.

February 4, 2014

Lets be blunt here: If you're looking for a meaningless, nsa hook up, this is the situation for you. If you're looking for something meaningful, a committed relationship, this is not the situation for you.

February 4, 2014

Thank you truth seeker. I think the NSA hookup thing may have been why I even started talking to this girl in the first place. A committed relationship with this girl is completely out of the question. Just not sure how I would proceed with the situation if all we would do is hookup.

First off, I'm still trying to figure out if that is something she is even willing to do. All advice here that was given to me was based on the assumption that I wanted a committed relationship with the girl. I still would like to be friends with her. She is sweet, but at the same time I am not quite sure if she is just playing games for her own entertainment/void filling/whatever.

Anyway what would be the best way to proceed with this situation? She hasn't even texted me back yet which is really odd. Thanks in advance.

February 4, 2014

Thank you truth seeker. I think the NSA hookup thing may have been why I even started talking to this girl in the first place. A committed relationship with this girl is completely out of the question. Just not sure how I would proceed with the situation if all we would do is hookup.

First off, I'm still trying to figure out if that is something she is even willing to do. All advice here that was given to me was based on the assumption that I wanted a committed relationship with the girl. I still would like to be friends with her. She is sweet, but at the same time I am not quite sure if she is just playing games for her own entertainment/void filling/whatever.

Anyway what would be the best way to proceed with this situation? She hasn't even texted me back yet which is really odd. Thanks in advance.

1) You stated that you only wanted to be friends.

2) You stated you don't want to get involved again in a bad situation.

3) You stated that you don't want to be the "homewrecker" -- AND NOW --

You state that you were actually looking for a just sex arrangement? Even after knowing she has a boyfriend, you wanted to just hook-up? Three pages of BS you were dishing out.

It seems that you both are deserving of one another. Integrity and honesty is pretty much lacking on your side of the tracks as well.

Edited February 4, 2014 by Zahara

February 4, 2014

Not really sure what I want either Zahara...okay? No I'm not trying to BS, just trying to figure it all out. Yes I think she is cute and I like her obviously, does she feel the same way? Well she told me she liked me too, but honestly IDK.

Do I want to ruin her relationship? No, although I think that relationship is pretty much over with anyways. She told me the only reason she is still with the guy is to not lose his "friendship" which seems pretty truthful and accurate to me.

Do I want to "just be friends" with her? IDK maybe, she is a nice girl and maybe could be a great friend.

Could we "just be friends"? Probably not since we are both attracted to each other. But who knows? Would I be willing to try? Yes.

Do I just break it all off now and stop contact immediately? Sure, that's what you're telling me to do.

I feel like you are treating this situation more like a yes/no, right/wrong type of deal. When I'm looking for more for advice.

Not here for you to tell me "it's wrong" so you can't contact her. I can do that myself, it's pretty obvious. I don't need people to tell me what is plainly obvious. I feel like I'm being bashed talking on here, is that what happens?

A discussion is more what I'm looking for. Thanks for everyone's time, I really do appreciate it.

February 4, 2014

1) You stated that you only wanted to be friends.
2) You stated you don't want to get involved again in a bad situation.
3) You stated that you don't want to be the "homewrecker" -- AND NOW --

You state that you were actually looking for a just sex arrangement? Even after knowing she has a boyfriend, you wanted to just hook-up? Three pages of BS you were dishing out.

It seems that you both are deserving of one another. Integrity and honesty is pretty much lacking on your side of the tracks as well.

LOL. He's doing the LS Shuffle. Many other posters on here do the same thing. If you get unfavorable advice, shuffle the story around some.

February 4, 2014

I wouldn't completely agree with that, it's not unfavorable advice that I'm getting...the advice I'm getting is right/wrong type of advice.

"She has a boyfriend so stop talking to her".

I know what's right and what's wrong and I'm kind of stuck in between. A discussion would be ideal, not do this do that.

February 4, 2014

if she doesn't give a **** and you don't give a **** then do it.

She IS playing games but you don't seem to care so why does it matter?

February 4, 2014

First thing you need to do is figure out what it is you want from this, and then figure out if what you want is attainable, especially when it comes to someone who is emotionally unhealthy. People come here and invest time based on what you present and after taking that time to construct advice based on what you say, you come around and flip the story.

Until she exits the relationship and leaves it based solely on her need to do so and not because she's secured a crutch (YOU) and a replacement (YOU), you stay away from her. She's clearly not in the right frame of mind if she's already in tears over lunch and for no apparent reason.

Just because she tells you the relationship is over, it doesn't mean that it's true. It's selfish of her to use her boyfriend just because she needs his friendship. There's nothing truthful about that behavior and there is nothing accurate just because someone "says so".

The problem with you is that you have created a perfect image of her based on the few times you've hung out with her. You don't even know her. She speaks highly of this "friendship" she has had with this guy yet she sees no sense of loyalty, honesty or regard for and to him. Why isn't that raising a red flag for you? How do you trust someone like that?

Let me just put the friends thing to rest. You CANNOT be friends with someone when you are attracted and emotionally affected by them. It does not work.

You want advice and not a yes/no or right/wrong, well let's break it down:

Hooking up with a girl that has a boyfriend - wrong

Hooking up with a girl that has emotional issues - bad

Seeking friendship when you are emotional affected - bad

Seeking a relationship when she is still with another man - wrong

Believing everything she says just because she said so - bad

It's pretty straightforward. You're trying to get someone to agree with you and support your need to keep on with this girl and that is why the moment Truthseeker stated NSA, you jumped on that bandwagon and changed your story. Someone gave you hope and an opening to pursue this.

You want to hear advice that supports you. I don't think you will get it.

Edited February 4, 2014 by Zahara

February 4, 2014

I agree, because yes I have morals as well. I'm not this awful person you probably perceive of me. I'm sorry for being so flip floppy and it's not because I'm getting unfavorable advice, it's because at least to me it's not a situation that's so easily discerned based on those factors.

Maybe she is being selfish by keeping him around when she is afraid to lose his friendship but maybe she is bored with him and people do change. She is 20, and when she started dating him she was 17. People change and so do their wants/needs.

If she is talking to me and going to lunch with me that means she is obviously not getting her wants/needs fulfilled by her boyfriend regardless of her emotional insecurities. If that's the case, it's a problem between her and her boyfriend.

I am not looking at this girl as a potential girlfriend or someone I want to marry. We are both attracted to each other, and a NSA scenario may be what we are both hoping for. It would be kind of hard for her to bring it up because she doesn't want to seem like a b**** who is asking me to help her cheat. I don't think she is going to break up with this guy anytime soon because of her "friendship issues" with him.

And yes I don't want to ruin their relationship, but honestly I think their relationship is over. Just not signed and printed. I'm sorry if I'm being a hard ass, I don't mean to be. I've just never dealt with a situation like this which is why it's not easy for me and probably why I'm being flip floppy.

February 4, 2014

And yes I don't want to ruin their relationship, but honestly I think their relationship is over. .

Of course you have to brainwash yourself into believing what she says because it's the only way you can justify your desire to get involved with her. After a pack of cigarettes and lunch, you seem to have her life and relationship all figured out.

As emva07 stated, go for it.

Good luck to you.

February 4, 2014

Honey, telling someone you want to mess around with that you're relationship is coming to an end, that you are with them because you don't want to hurt them/the kids/etc is the oldest trick in the book.

Stop playing dumb and take ownership of your actions. So many people try to find excuses to cheating, there isn't any! You did it because you wanted to, period. Nothing wrong with doing what you want, we are all different, some people cheat, some people don't. None of us can judge you.

Now stop feeling bad about it and do it or keep pretending you don't want it because of your morals.

Edited February 4, 2014 by emva07

February 4, 2014

You are 24 years old, man up and stop acting like a little bitch.

She wanted to be friends, you thought she wanted to bang you, she doesn't.

Just move on with your life and leave her and her boyfriend alone.

February 4, 2014

Imagine someone asks for advice about jumping off a building, like "Should I get a running start, or should I just sort of hang over the edge and let go?"

Most people are going to say, "Don't jump off the building, that will lead to a bad result for you."

You have received the best advice given the information at hand. You can do with that what you will. Honestly, the only redeeming quality you described of this girl is she is "really cute". You did say she was "smart" but I really don't think that's why you called the coffee shop looking for her that day.

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