bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I am 24, she is 20. I recently moved back to my 'hometown" to take care of a family member. There is a coffee shop right across the street that I go to pretty much everyday since I am not working yet, it's a great place to just hang out. So I go outside to smoke a cigarette when she comes out with a coworker to smoke as well. We make small talk, and I eventually leave. The next day, we smoke a cigarette together and before she walks back inside, she looks back at me and says "we should hang out sometime". I go home and decide to call the coffee shop and when she picks up the phone I say "I wanted to give you my number and you should text me after work". She takes my number and texts me the following day. From there, we start texting back and forth but only a few texts per day. We talk about hanging out and grabbing lunch or whatever, etc. She says she would love to and that it would be nice to become friends or hang out. About a week into texting, she tells me that she has a boyfriend and he lives a few states away and they just got back together so things are a bit complicated. She says she wants to wait until he goes back to school so he doesn't have to worry. After a few failed attempts at hanging out, we eventually agree on a day after she gets off work. We go to a restaurant to grab lunch. She tells me that she had gone through some tough times, she had an eating disorder and had to drop out of school. She also told me that she used to be involved with drugs. I know what you're all thinking but no, this girl is very smart and really cute. Trust me. Or else I wouldn't be here...haha. Anyways, she tells me that I'm not going to like her and that she told me things that she doesn't usually tell people. We go to lunch and she tells me she is self concious. She thinks she is gross and fat. I tell her gross is the last word in the dictionary I'd use to describe her, and just let her know I think she is pretty. Of course she denies it everytime. Throughout lunch, we talked about our past lives a bit and our views on life. She would always avoid making eye contact except for a few seconds at a time. We leave and she drops me off, I go around and tell her I want to give her a hug. A few days later I asked her to hang out again when she said "don't you think it's too soon...we are becoming friends...but I don't know". We end up talking on the phone for over an hour and out of nowhere she says, "I should go. I have to go." I text her and say I hope it wasn't something I said to which she replied no no no. She said she felt herself "letting me in" and she can't do that anymore because everytime she does, she gets hurt. So the other day I was in the coffee shop waiting for my friend to pick me up when one of her coworkers says to me so you're just going to annoy us til your friend comes...to which I replied yeah I guess so...jokingly. Her coworker then tells me that she has a boyfriend to which I reply I know I'm not trying to be her boyfriend and she basically kicks me out of the store. From there, I get a text from the girl saying OMG I'm so sorry I just found out eat she said to you. She is like my sister and she thought she was doing me a favor. And I was pretty much saying I'm sorry I didn't know I was annoying/bothering you. She pleads and pleads that I'm not and that she still wants to hang out. We smoked a cigarette together yesterday and she said please believe me since I wasn't really believing her. So she asks if I' okay and that we can still hang out on Wednesday. I say yeah you already know that I want to. I text her after I wake up from a nap around 3:30 PM saying "are we cool? I just didn't want you to feel obligated to talk to me if that makes sense?" to which she hasn't replied at all. I'm assuming she will text me back in the morning which is in a few hours. I am looking for advice here. People willing to help please reply. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read and help. Thanks to all.
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She has a boyfriend. Do not touch her with a barge pole. 1
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I am more seeking advice on exactly what is going on, I am quite confused. But thanks PegNosePete, you posted something anybody could say?
Zahara Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 My advice to you is to start looking for another place to get your coffee and let this one go. First of all, she has a boyfriend and you don't want to get tangled with someone that is committed to someone else because you're opening yourself up to a whole lot of hurt and disappointment. And isn't your conscience kicking in? If she is reaching out to a total stranger versus confiding in her own boyfriend, how do you think she defines her commitment to him? In that sense, how will she define her commitment to you if you both should get together. Secondly, being smart and cute doesn't erase the fact that this girl is emotionally unhealthy. She's showing you signs. The fact that she has had an eating disorder and still sees herself as gross and fat relates to deep psychological and emotional issues that are still festering in her. She doesn't have a healthy concept or view of herself and that can translate into other areas of her life. Still, I am not sure why you are doing this. She has a boyfriend. In any case, it doesn't matter what we tell you because you are going to keep this going. 3
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I am more seeking advice on exactly what is going on, I am quite confused. But thanks PegNosePete, you posted something anybody could say? OK, I'll tell you something else that anybody could say as well. If you were to become her boyfriend, do you think she would treat you any better than she is treating her current boyfriend? Or do you think it's more likely that she'll continue to go out for a ciggie with random guys from the coffee shop? If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you. Good luck. 4
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Bottom line is, if she has a boyfriend, you need to back off. If you two are going to be friends, then do meet her boyfriend too. This girl though seems to have tons of personal issues. 1
truth_seeker Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I can offer good advice. I had a similar situation and can tell you that you're setting yourself up for some serious hurt and disappointment. Women with boyfriends who throw themselves at guys they really don't know have issues. She may be pretty on the outside but this girl is ugly on the inside. You would be just a temporary fix. She probably makes he boyfriend feel he's the only guy in the world, but reality is she's not happy and pretends to be when she is with him. She lives a lie and most likely cheats behind his back. Women like this you can never trust. Definitely find a new place to get coffee.
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Trust me I do get it. She has a boyfriend. I'm more concerned and confused about the situation. I'm looking for advice on what is actually going on in this situation. She's cute and I like h er but she has a boyfriend. I get it.
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks everyone, and you're all right. Anyways she still hasn't texted me back which Is sort of odd. We kind of agreed to just be friends, is that also a bad idea as well? When I see her the way she is I almost want to try and help her break free from it. Am I just fighting a losing battle here that people in the past have tried as well?
Zahara Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks everyone, and you're all right. Anyways she still hasn't texted me back which Is sort of odd. We kind of agreed to just be friends, is that also a bad idea as well? When I see her the way she is I almost want to try and help her break free from it. Am I just fighting a losing battle here that people in the past have tried as well? No need to be friends. You know that isn't what you're looking for. Contact will only fuel your expectations. I am sure she has friends, family and she does have a boyfriend to help her break free from whatever she is going through. You're a guy that smoked a few cigarettes with her and had lunch. You don't have to play savior, and further more, her issues run deep. You can't change her. She has to do it on her own, and she has to work really hard at it. 1
Zahara Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Trust me I do get it. She has a boyfriend. I'm more concerned and confused about the situation. I'm looking for advice on what is actually going on in this situation. She's cute and I like h er but she has a boyfriend. I get it. Posting in a different forum won't render you a different response. And if you're doing this, your query about just being friends is out of the question. You're getting attached.
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Hey Zahara, I did this because I originally posted in Dating and the first response I got was "she has a bf" so then I posted here. Am I not allowed back to that coffee shop? It is so close and it's the only one in walking distance.
Appreciate Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Beware of girls who are cute and who have had eating disorders, especially if she dropped out of school because of that (and because of drugs). She has body images issues (sure, many women do) but clearly she needs a lot of validation. She sounds impulsive and insecure and a Nice Guy like you want to save her. If she told you that she felt herself "letting me in" and she can't do that anymore because everytime she does, she gets hurt, you'd have to wonder why she gets hurt. What has she said about that? If she has boyfriend and is hanging out with you, she's creating drama for herself. I'm sure her boyfriend would not approve. If she becomes your girlfriend, you'd have to wonder if she's doing the same thing. 1
Zahara Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Hey Zahara, I did this because I originally posted in Dating and the first response I got was "she has a bf" so then I posted here. Am I not allowed back to that coffee shop? It is so close and it's the only one in walking distance. In this day and age, there are coffee shops everywhere and some even have a drive thru. Or brew your own coffee. Don't make this any harder and complicating for yourself. Do yourself a favor and stay away. It would be one thing if you weren't this attached. But you are and being around someone that makes you feel this way isn't a good thing.
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She HAS a BF. Coffee pots and cafetieres aren't that expensive. Brewing your own has a certain satisfaction. And also stops you potentially getting a bloody nose if her BF takes offence at your increased interest. get the hint: SHE - HAS - A - BF.
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Should I just tell her that I don't think it would be a good idea for us to be friends? How do I talk to her and tell her? I am not really trying to be the home wrecker here. She did tell me that her current bf is also her best friend of 6 years and dating for 3 and she got back with him because she doesn't have many friends and she is afraid of losing his friendship. He was apparently "there for her" when she was going through tough times.
TylerDurdenn Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 OP is a creep, she quite clearly said she had a boyfriend and that she just wanted to be friends.
Syreeni Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 1. She has a boyfriend- Stay away. Even if she breaks up with him, she wouldn't be ready for a relationship until she processes it and fully moves on. That takes months to even a year or more, depending on the relationship issues/person. Obviously its not next week so stay away. 2. She was very clear that she has substantial personal issues. - Stay away. She needs to work on herself. This is where you be the smart guy and leave her to do just that, no matter how attractive you think she is. 3. It doesn't sound as if you have your life together- focus energy on the parts that need improvement, thus bringing you to a state where you are solid when entering a relationship. Expect that from the other person as well. Are you in that place? Are they? If you get one "no", then there is a high probability that whatever happens will end in tears for at least one of you. 4. Don't date with your penis. Its okay to ask it's opinion -once, but disastrous to let it do the driving. 5. Learn the difference between wanting a relationship and wanting just sex. Love and lust. There are plenty of unattached girls willing to have casual sex. Be up front about it, don't lead on or use a relationship as an excuse to have regular sex for a while. See number 4 again. When in doubt, always revert to number 4. About the friend thing... No, you should not be her friend. You have an attachment to her that is inappropriate for her status. Its bad for you, her and her relationship. Don't be that guy. Only coffee shop? Fine, go when she isn't working or make your coffee at home, or buy it from another location, find another place to "hang". No reason you can't be cordial if you run into her, but be honest. There's a big difference between cordial and friendship.You don't really want to be her friend. You want more. Don't kid yourself or her. It doesn't matter what she wants, you need to make this choice for your own well- being. You want to know what's going on? She's probably using you to fill in voids in her relationship and as a distraction of her other personal issues. That's what it usually is, and it doesn't matter the gender.
Zahara Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Should I just tell her that I don't think it would be a good idea for us to be friends? How do I talk to her and tell her? I am not really trying to be the home wrecker here. She did tell me that her current bf is also her best friend of 6 years and dating for 3 and she got back with him because she doesn't have many friends and she is afraid of losing his friendship. He was apparently "there for her" when she was going through tough times. Just move on. You met for a few cigarettes and lunch. It would be best to just let it go. If you talk to her, it opens the door to discussion and that may rope you in again.
StanMusial Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Should I just tell her that I don't think it would be a good idea for us to be friends? How do I talk to her and tell her? I am not really trying to be the home wrecker here. She did tell me that her current bf is also her best friend of 6 years and dating for 3 and she got back with him because she doesn't have many friends and she is afraid of losing his friendship. He was apparently "there for her" when she was going through tough times. Neither of you owe the other anything. Just walk away. Chances are you'll never hear from her again.
emva07 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 as everyone here has already said...she has deep issues. She feels very insecure about herself, so much so that she tells people as soon as she meets them. This is a girl looking for validation. People who desperately need validation do so even if it means cheating and they justify it because they are fulfilling their own selfish needs. She's playing the "let's be friends" card but what she really wants is for you to develop a crush on her and create drama. And I love how she tries to downplay the relationship....oh he's been my best friend for 6 years....he's always there for me. Bad news bears. You and the bf are just little pawns in her selfish game. That's what's going on here. 1
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 She's a cute girl that works at a coffee shop, I didn't "want" a relationship with her, I just thought she was cute and she was asking me to hang out so I went with it. When I found out she had a boyfriend I was like ehhh, and so I reevaluated and thought being friends might not be a bad idea. Why is it that you can't be friends with someone you're attracted to? I feel that there is always some level of attraction between friends and I understand the more you are attracted to a friend, the harder. I get it. She has a boyfriend. I think It would probably be best if I left this one alone. Was more seeking advice on what she was doing and her part in this whole thing so I can understand. Like, what is she going through?
emva07 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I just answered that question....and so have a lot of people here...she has issues...THAT is what she's going through.
Zahara Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She's a cute girl that works at a coffee shop, I didn't "want" a relationship with her, I just thought she was cute and she was asking me to hang out so I went with it. When I found out she had a boyfriend I was like ehhh, and so I reevaluated and thought being friends might not be a bad idea. Why is it that you can't be friends with someone you're attracted to? I feel that there is always some level of attraction between friends and I understand the more you are attracted to a friend, the harder. I get it. She has a boyfriend. I think It would probably be best if I left this one alone. Was more seeking advice on what she was doing and her part in this whole thing so I can understand. Like, what is she going through? First of all, she's not your friend. Secondly, I don't think she has anything to offer you in the way of friendship. Thirdly, if you're fighthing this tooth and nail, it's pretty clear that you have expectations so this baloney about why you can't be friends with someone you are attracted to is you trying to justify being connected to her. I think you can gather as to her mindset by reading and absorbing some of the advice given. She's emotionally unhealthy. Accept that as reason enough to stay away. 1
Author bz42 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I agree Zahara, thank you. I was just afraid that there was something else driving this whole thing. Like, was she just messing with me this whole time? Entertainment purposes? Reason being I'm trying to avoid this type of stuff in the future. I know that sounds bad but isn't there a chance she was just having some fun and there really was nothing there? It took almost 2 weeks for us to a really hang out and when we went to lunch it looked as if she was ready to cry at points. I would make her laugh and smile and then it would all just go away moments later. Just trying to figure out if I was being played with or being used to fill voids type of thing.
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