DLM77 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I've come here on a few different occasions regarding issues I've been having. Most of which said I should end the relationship. However due to her ex passing two months ago I wouldn't feel good about picking up and leaving right now so we remain a couple. Her ex husband's friend's was helping him during the last few months when he got sick. Since his passing my go has been in contact mostly via text message. It was 99% about the ex until a few days ago he started hitting game on her asking her to meet for lunch\dinner ect... she barely talked to this guy and he was no friend to her and was clearly no friend of his since he seems to think it is OK to hit on her so selfishly. He assured her he would stop if she had a significant other so she replied yes she does. He completely ignored it and continued blowing game up her phone rambling on about nothing until he mentioned a video. Apparently my gf and her ex made a sex tape 25 years ago and it went missing. We don't know if the ex destroyed it or had it when he passed. But his buddy knows about it and denied having it but made a comment to my gf that he wished he had found it and watched it! Wtf? My gf and her two daughters are creeper out now. My gf just ignored his text but he continued none stop. She felt if she ignored him he would go away. Last night after going to bed she received a text from him rambling on at 12 am about how he had accidentally deleted my gf's 19 year old daughter numb and that he wanted her to send it to him. I decided to put a stop it by asking him nicely to delete her number also. When she woke this morning she realized I'd had sent that to him and was passed off at me like I'm the bad guy here. She's upset because she doesn't need me speaking for her is what she said. Clearly he wasn't stopping and I felt I needed to see in and be blunt. I wasn't nasty at all with him. I can't understand why she would be upset with me. Am I right or wrong her for sticking up for her and her family?
soccerrprp Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I don't think that you should have responded for her w/o her consent. Just tell her to change her number. Done, right?
Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 This is absolutely disgusting. So her ex DIED. And his FRIENDS hit on her? Are you effing serious? His friend is DEAD... so he now hits on his DEAD friends ex girl? Something is seriously wrong with him, ethically speaking.
CC12 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I can't understand why she would be upset with me. Am I right or wrong her for sticking up for her and her family? I wouldn't call what you did "sticking up for her." That implies that you did something noble. If she had asked you to handle it for her, that would be respectable. But she didn't, and she was dealing with it in her own way - by ignoring him and hoping he would go away. So as far as she knows, she's handling it. Then you come in and take it out of her hands and make decisions about her life without her knowledge or consent. Not only did you send her the message that you think she's incapable of making the right choices, you also probably really embarrassed her. It's not a great feeling to have others fight your battles for you. Are you starting to see why she would be upset? You would not appreciate someone meddling in your affairs, would you? 3
Trimmer Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Listen carefully to yourself here: Clearly he wasn't stopping and I felt I needed to see in and be blunt. I wasn't nasty at all with him. "I needed..." You took ownership of the situation, and put your judgment ahead of hers. Any time you do this to someone, the message is: "You can't handle this, so I'm going to step in like a parent of an incapable child." I can't understand why she would be upset with me. And this is actually your mistake #2. Not only did you do it in the first place, you are not able to understand and empathize with your friend's response. This may actually be as irritating to her as the initial infraction! What you need to understand is right here in your own post: She's upset because she doesn't need me speaking for her is what she said.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I wouldn't call what you did "sticking up for her." That implies that you did something noble. If she had asked you to handle it for her, that would be respectable. But she didn't, and she was dealing with it in her own way - by ignoring him and hoping he would go away. So as far as she knows, she's handling it. Then you come in and take it out of her hands and make decisions about her life without her knowledge or consent. Not only did you send her the message that you think she's incapable of making the right choices, you also probably really embarrassed her. It's not a great feeling to have others fight your battles for you. Are you starting to see why she would be upset? You would not appreciate someone meddling in your affairs, would you? All of this. Of course you're upset, OP. Anyone would be in your shoes. But you didn't handle it well. There are far more constructive ways to deal with such a problem, that wouldn't make your girlfriend feel powerless and admonished. However, if I may be blunt, I don't expect you'll be able to see that side of it. Based on previous threads, it seems you come here primarily looking for confirmation and validation of your actions/thoughts, not for posters' true feedback. 1
Author DLM77 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 I wouldn't call what you did "sticking up for her." That implies that you did something noble. If she had asked you to handle it for her, that would be respectable. But she didn't, and she was dealing with it in her own way - by ignoring him and hoping he would go away. So as far as she knows, she's handling it. Then you come in and take it out of her hands and make decisions about her life without her knowledge or consent. Not only did you send her the message that you think she's incapable of making the right choices, you also probably really embarrassed her. It's not a great feeling to have others fight your battles for you. Are you starting to see why she would be upset? You would not appreciate someone meddling in your affairs, would you? Honestly I did not think it would embarrass her at the time. Nor do I see it as fighting her battles for her. I see this as being no different than stepping in helping carry grow in the house, mowing her lawn or brushing snow off her car in the morning so she doesn't have to do these things. I guess I'm more old school. I clearly wasn't meant for her to take it in the wrong way. We actually discussed it yesterday. She was embarrassed at all. She was afraid to get him angry in fear he would take things further.
Author DLM77 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) I wouldn't call what you did "sticking up for her." That implies that you did something noble. If she had asked you to handle it for her, that would be respectable. But she didn't, and she was dealing with it in her own way - by ignoring him and hoping he would go away. So as far as she knows, she's handling it. Then you come in and take it out of her hands and make decisions about her life without her knowledge or consent. Not only did you send her the message that you think she's incapable of making the right choices, you also probably really embarrassed her. It's not a great feeling to have others fight your battles for you. Are you starting to see why she would be upset? You would not appreciate someone meddling in your affairs, would you? All of this. Of course you're upset, OP. Anyone would be in your shoes. But you didn't handle it well. There are far more constructive ways to deal with such a problem, that wouldn't make your girlfriend feel powerless and admonished. However, if I may be blunt, I don't expect you'll be able to see that side of it. Based on previous threads, it seems you come here primarily looking for confirmation and validation of your actions/thoughts, not for posters' true feedback. Yes possibly so, probably because I clearly have trouble dealing with everything that has been going on. Maybe my best judgment hasn't been used in the last few months as I feel very uneasy with everything that is happening. Now we found out yeserday, this scum bag has been telling the daughter her mother is the reason her father died... How else could I have dealt with this? Edited February 5, 2014 by DLM77 spelling
Dogberry Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 My gf was propositioned twice at her husbands funeral. Cos you know she wouldnt be getting any so they volunteered. Some people are major sleaze bags
Eivuwan Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 How about blocking him from all kinds of contact?
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Yes possibly so, probably because I clearly have trouble dealing with everything that has been going on. Maybe my best judgment hasn't been used in the last few months as I feel very uneasy with everything that is happening. Now we found out yeserday, this scum bag has been telling the daughter her mother is the reason her father died... How else could I have dealt with this? I guess I can't be sure what kind of a relationship you have with your friend, but everything you say about this situation makes it sound like you are owning the problem: "I have trouble dealing...", "I feel very uneasy...", "How else could I have dealt with this..." I think this is why you jumped in where you were not welcome, and why your friend (initially, anyway) reacted negatively to your involvement. Again, as I said before, owning someone else's problems is like taking a parental role, and sending the message that they cannot deal with problems themselves. That's not being "old-school"; it's still jumping in and assuming control of something that is not yours, and acting like a parent of a child who can't handle a situation on their own. I know you didn't mean it that way, but clearly she had a negative reaction to it that you don't understand. Doesn't my explanation make some kind of sense? How else could you deal with it, you ask? The same way a parent learns to let go of children as they get older: you have to let them own their own problems. It doesn't mean you can't be there and support them to whatever degree works in your relationship, but if you own the problems yourself, and jump in and handle them just because you are uncomfortable, then your children will never finish the job of growing up, becoming independent, and learning to handle their problems themselves. And eventually, they may get mad at you if you step in and make them feel like children, when you should back off, let them own their problems themselves, and figure out how to handle things. Again, it doesn't mean you can't be there and support your friend - and even take action if appropriate - but what's appropriate should be decided, directed, and approved by the person who owns the problem, and that's not you in this case. Edited February 5, 2014 by Trimmer
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