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She thinks I'm the one, but I don't feel the same... Should I finally end it?

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Colors New Member

Colors

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I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible. It will be laid out in a "cliff notes" format to save time.

 

 

- Girlfriend of 4 years. We've been off and on a lot, mostly because of my doubts about us being life partners.

 

- I do love her, but she doesn't blow me away. She has never struck me as "the one" even though she has told me she thinks I'm the one for her. That being said, she is one of the sweetest, most intelligent, caring and loving individuals I have ever met. She would do anything for me, and it sucks because I don't feel that I would drop everything to be with her if it came to that. I would do a lot for her, but not everything. I feel like that difference strains the relationship.

 

- Even though the passion has faded as it always does, we are fantastic friends. We never, ever fight. She is my best friend and we always have a great time just being together, no matter what we're doing. It's because of this that letting her go has been almost impossible for me. I have broken up with her, but gone back to her multiple times. If I ever do find a girl that clicks with me like she does, I am convinced it will take a very, very long time. I'm not just losing my girlfriend, I am losing by far my best friend if this happens and she has told me she could never be just friends with me.

 

- Looking to the future, I suppose I could see myself marrying her, but at this point it would feel more like settling than something I would be truly excited for. I would probably always wonder "what if" and ponder about whether I had missed out on an opportunity for more of a true love that I never wavered on. The fact that I have damaged the relationship so many times by breaking up with her... To me, it doesn't go away. She comes back with arms open every time, but in the back of my mind I am afraid I will hurt her again. I can't stand to see her like that and it might be more loving of me to just let her get away from it.

 

Should I lose my lover and best friend for a shot at finding "the one," or am I making a mistake letting go of someone I click with so well and loves me unconditionally (she's been with me faithfully though my worst times)?

Cakess Established Member

Cakess

Posted
Posted

I feel really bad for this girl that she loves someone who could never love her back the same way...but this is a difference that you cannot ignore. You two can never be fully together if you continue to believe that she is not "the one". I personally hate this term, because it puts pressure on the person to feel completely "synced" with the other person, and if they don't agree on everything, then they aren't the one.

 

You say you have a good time with her. Have you tried to ditch the labels and just try to see if you fall in love with her naturally? If you cannot or are not willing to do this, spare her the heartbreak and break up with her. Apologize and then never speak to her again, so she can get over you and find someone else. You should do the same.

  • Like 1
Musing Established Member

Musing

Posted
Posted

Should I lose my lover and best friend for a shot at finding "the one," or am I making a mistake letting go of someone I click with so well and loves me unconditionally (she's been with me faithfully though my worst times)?

 

 

No. You should not lose your lover/best friend for a shot at finding "the one"

You should, though, break up with her because you are simply not ready to be in that type of relationship yet.

 

I'm not saying this girl is going to be the one you marry. However, don't drop her and look for "the one" because it will probably end in the same fashion. The sparks will fade and it'll be a vicious cycle. When you do find "the one" you speak of, it will be at a time when you are simply ready to commit.

It could be this girl, just in a different time. Or, it could be a new person. But right now, from how your post reads to me, is that maybe you're just not in the right mindset.

 

The dead giveaway is the "what if" in your post. Even if you do find someone even better than your girlfriend - unless you are ready, you'll always wonder "what if"

 

But in short? Yes, I'd break up with her. I say this as a dumpee of this same situation. It sucks but I'd hate to have my boyfriend wonder "what if" while being with me. I'd rather he just have his fun, date around and then reconcile down the line at best, or clear the air so we can be friends at worst. But you gotta focus on you and she on her.

  • Like 2
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

I had to ask myself the same question, but from your girlfriend's perspective, during my last relationship.

 

I was crazy about this guy, and he obviously felt a strong bond with me as well, wanted to get married, and was taking clear steps toward that. But he wasn't crazy about me, never suggested I was that one special girl for him, and this made me very sad.

 

I was really torn, because he's a catch, I was over the moon about him, and he wanted to get married!

 

But I knew that if I stuck with him, the pain of him not being crazy about me like I was him would eventually be our undoing. I'm just too romantic and sensitive to endure a lifetime of that.

 

My vote is to move on. I think ultimately both you and your girlfriend will be happier in a relationship with mutual adoration. And maybe eventually you can be a true friend to her. I'm open to that with my ex - not sure if it's realistic, but we discussed it during the breakup and agree we're open to giving it a shot once the proper amount of time has passed.

  • Like 2
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Colors New Member

Colors

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Posted

The advice from you all has been great, but let's take a little focus off my use of the term "the one." To be honest, I don't really believe there is a one for us - just right place, right time with a very strong connection. There was a time when we had this connection, but as the relationship has naturally progressed toward more commitment I have distanced myself from it unfortunately.

 

Despite my adoration for my girlfriend and the pain I will feel losing my best friend... Perhaps the right thing to do is let her find someone that can promise her marriage. I do love her, but if she stays with me she would be taking a risk.

CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

Posted
Posted

This situation is a bitter pill for me to swallow because I was that girl, falling in love with someone that did not feel the same about me. It's incredibly painful to be constantly reminded that you are not good enough for them. It's incredibly painful to even be around this person, sharing in their daily activities, hearing about the people they DO like, wanting to comfort them with your heart when they are feeling down but knowing that they would never be able to reciprocate when your world isn't so colourful. The only decent thing is to end it. Walk away. Yes she will be in pain but it will be temporary and she will be able to get over you. By sticking around you are keeping her in purgatory from which she can never escape...

 

Do her this favour please...

  • Like 5
Musing Established Member

Musing

Posted
Posted
This situation is a bitter pill for me to swallow because I was that girl, falling in love with someone that did not feel the same about me. It's incredibly painful to be constantly reminded that you are not good enough for them. It's incredibly painful to even be around this person,

 

I know the feeling, CG.

 

Hugs to you.

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Colors New Member

Colors

Posted
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The only difference with your situation is that I do love her it just fluctuates from profoundly to shallow. Lately it's just been a weak bond... It's caused my mind to wonder. It's not as if I don't adore and appreciate her. It's almost like her loving me so confidently makes me compare my own feelings to that and when they don't measure up I question what to do.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
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How old are you guys?

 

Because if you aren't into your late 20s, at least, you are not fully capable of making life-long decision.

It is a scientific fact.

  • Like 3
CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

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Love isn't about doubt. It isn't about being unsure. It's about knowing that this is what you want and this person is what you want. If you are that unsure then you are not helping your partner because while you are thinking this way, you can be damn sure you are giving off the vibes and she's picking up on them. It comes down to this:

 

If you do not love her then let her go find someone who will...

guest572 Established Member

guest572

Posted
Posted
This situation is a bitter pill for me to swallow because I was that girl, falling in love with someone that did not feel the same about me..

 

Me too, i was unaware, but my ex pondered over the same things as mentioned in OP for a few months before deciding to dump me. I definitely don't think you should drag it out anymore as it will cause a lot of pain. The fact you are dating on and off and feel like you would wonder "what if.." it doesn't seem like you would be happy with her. The longer you ponder over this and ignore the doubts in your mind, the harder it is going to be for both of you. But think carefully as you need to make the right decision and stick with it.

 

Do you have something unique and special with her? What is missing? Can it be fixed? Have you spoken to her about it?

hea Established Member

hea

Posted
Posted

What if you never found anyone like her again, someone that you have that connection with? Would it be worth it.

 

There is no 'the one'. But if your gut is telling you to leave then leave. It is not fair on her to keep stringing her along when she could be out there having the time of her life with someone who loves her inside an out. And can spoil her with love the way you can't.

ravssss Member

ravssss

Posted
Posted

i feel bad for her ...

 

well this is life .. u wud realize ur loss if she finds someone in a month or two ...

 

whatever .. seeing the advice here am not surprised why break ups are common and trying to make things work is jst not the way for all ..

 

i mean y enter a relationship if u dont find that "one" in her ... we can see her posting here soon if she also is aware of a forum called LS ..

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

If you are so sure that you'll find someone who's even better than her, then why even ask in here? Breakup and go for it.

 

Might sound harsh, but you do sound very sure in your posts. :confused: All you seem so worried about is what you might loose, but that's the price you'll have to pay to find "the one".

 

And breaking up is far better for both of you than you marrying her and starting an affair with someone else in time, to give only one example.

mutualove Established Member

mutualove

Posted
Posted

I wonder if the GIGS rule apply here ?

Thegreatestthing Established Member

Thegreatestthing

Posted
Posted

Please find someone you are crazy about ,this Sort of lukewarm thing won't do,it's not just about a good fit,it can be a spiritual and energetic thing ,some people just set each other off and others don't.

Settle for nothing.you are wasting your time.

 

I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible. It will be laid out in a "cliff notes" format to save time.

 

 

- Girlfriend of 4 years. We've been off and on a lot, mostly because of my doubts about us being life partners.

 

- I do love her, but she doesn't blow me away. She has never struck me as "the one" even though she has told me she thinks I'm the one for her. That being said, she is one of the sweetest, most intelligent, caring and loving individuals I have ever met. She would do anything for me, and it sucks because I don't feel that I would drop everything to be with her if it came to that. I would do a lot for her, but not everything. I feel like that difference strains the relationship.

 

- Even though the passion has faded as it always does, we are fantastic friends. We never, ever fight. She is my best friend and we always have a great time just being together, no matter what we're doing. It's because of this that letting her go has been almost impossible for me. I have broken up with her, but gone back to her multiple times. If I ever do find a girl that clicks with me like she does, I am convinced it will take a very, very long time. I'm not just losing my girlfriend, I am losing by far my best friend if this happens and she has told me she could never be just friends with me.

 

- Looking to the future, I suppose I could see myself marrying her, but at this point it would feel more like settling than something I would be truly excited for. I would probably always wonder "what if" and ponder about whether I had missed out on an opportunity for more of a true love that I never wavered on. The fact that I have damaged the relationship so many times by breaking up with her... To me, it doesn't go away. She comes back with arms open every time, but in the back of my mind I am afraid I will hurt her again. I can't stand to see her like that and it might be more loving of me to just let her get away from it.

 

Should I lose my lover and best friend for a shot at finding "the one," or am I making a mistake letting go of someone I click with so well and loves me unconditionally (she's been with me faithfully though my worst times)?

deathandtaxes Established Member

deathandtaxes

Posted
Posted

The most telling part of your post, OP, is the first part about being on and off for four years due to doubts about being life partners. If you are so on the fence after all that time, wtf are you doing?

 

 

This relationship sounds quite blaise. You don't fight? Where's the passion!? Do her a favor and end it.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

Have you ever felt like she was "the one" or at least felt like you were excited to spend the rest of your life with her? My ex said he felt like I was the one for him at times, but then he would change his mind if he thought about it too much. It might not matter in your case. Just throwing it out there.

Never Again Established Member

Never Again

Posted
Posted
Please find someone you are crazy about ,this Sort of lukewarm thing won't do,it's not just about a good fit,it can be a spiritual and energetic thing ,some people just set each other off and others don't.

Settle for nothing.you are wasting your time.

 

"Crazy about"?

 

Ha.

 

Like that ever lasts.

 

Settling down is settling for. Just the way it is.

 

The problem is this mystical, magical fantasy of "the one" that people search for without an ounce of effort.

 

Those "crazy for" hormones flare up at the beginning, then settle out. You can maintain them, but no matter what you do, they'll always give way to life and time. Things can and will become "comfortable" and even sometimes "boring". Sometimes the stress in life can temporarily change a person so that they no longer "set you off".

 

And we wonder why the marriage rates are going down while the divorce rates go up. We're all stuck believing a fantasy of fairy tale romance.

 

Some things cannot be fixed, but sometimes it's worth trying. Even the dreaded "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" can be turned over with some effort and lots of communication.

 

OP, stop being afraid and step up. Either try to make changes to the relationship (not to HER), or break up with her. Make your needs known, and if she can't meet them...then leave. Or leave now. Either way, do something.

 

Your indecision will become a decision eventually.

  • Like 1
headinthecloud Established Member

headinthecloud

Posted
Posted
Despite my adoration for my girlfriend and the pain I will feel losing my best friend... Perhaps the right thing to do is let her find someone that can promise her marriage. I do love her, but if she stays with me she would be taking a risk.

 

Let her go. Your feelings of indecision will never go away and you'll likely end up cheating on her later down the road. Sometimes, it isn't meant to be. The break will be very hard, on both of you, but commit to it. She deserves someone who will be true to her, you are not that person.

 

...and real love develops over time; passion is what ignites the flame. People often mislabel passion for true love. Committing yourself to another person is what builds the foundation of true love.

  • Like 1
ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

Posted
Posted

You seem like you have doubts about marrying her. If you aren't 100% sure at this point, you need to do the right thing and let her go. By stringing her along, you are preventing each other from meeting someone else who could be your life mate.

  • Like 2
Gaveeverything Member

Gaveeverything

Posted
Posted

I am currently in this exact position except in reverse. I (male dumpee) was the emotional one. everything in these posts was/is how i feel. currently day 10 nc/bu 10 days ago

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