excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Met my husband in 2004; we got engaged early 2007; married early 2008. D-Day was 11-10-2014. His AP was a woman he started dating in 2003 - he NEVER broke it off with her. I didn't know about her; she didn't know about me. It was easy for him to lead this double life because we lived 4 hours apart. After a few months of dating, we spent every weekend, holiday, birthday, etc... together. When he saw her, it was Tuesday-Thursday. Four (4) months before our wedding, he left his state and moved in with me. He told AP that he was moving out-of-state and could never see her again. During the months prior to our wedding, he had to make two trips back to his past home state for business. Both times he slept with her; one was 2 days before our wedding. Since our marriage, he's seen her twice; making an early morning 2-hour drive (they met up in a neighboring state; had breakfast and got a room). He would come home in the evening and I would believe that he was out of town for business. The last 9 years have been daily text, email, phone calls and racy photos of her. She only found out he was married 6 months ago. I discovered the affair on D-day, November 10th - and more bits and pieces through MC. I understand that responsibility for a relationship is shared - 50-50, but how do I take responsibility for this? I have spent the past three months, questioning myself, examining the marriage. What am I missing? 1
yellowmaverick Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 What are you missing? You are missing a husband with a moral code. You are missing a husband with integrity. You are NOT to blame for his choice to cheat. Heck, he made the choice to cheat before he even knew you! I find it difficult to believe that the mistress did not know. What did she think he was doing all that time when he wasn't with her???? Did she not question why she never saw his home?? 8
TheBladeRunner Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I understand that responsibility for a relationship is shared - 50-50, but how do I take responsibility for this? I have spent the past three months, questioning myself, examining the marriage. What am I missing? You aren't missing anything, it's what they do. My WW did something very similar in that she stayed in touch with the abusive XBF up until we got married.....or so she says. I honestly think she never cut it off the whole 10 years we were married. Don't blame yourself as it sounds like he never broke it off at all. If you had problems in the marriage it doesn't matter, cheating is NEVER an answer IMO. When it comes to your H cheating, sorry, that's on the WS, NOT you. You cannot be responsible for their actions.
thummper Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 For God's sake, don't beat yourself up over this. There's nothing about this situation that is your fault. The responsibility for this massive infidelity rests squarely on him. Too late to dump him? 1
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 The MC asked him "on a scale from one to ten, how would you rate your marriage before the affair was exposed"? His answer was 10; which was also my answer. As contrary as this may sound, he treated me wonderfully; attentive; loving; doting... but now I see that as his way of covering up all of his wrong. 5
oldshirt Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I understand that responsibility for a relationship is shared - 50-50, but how do I take responsibility for this? You don't. You were the victim of fraud and deception. This isn't a case of a spouse getting disillusioned or bored after ten years of marriage and stepping out with someone he/she met and couldn't pass up the temptation. This is narcicistic sociopath living a double life and portraying himself as two different people to ....well....two different people. He was living a double life and pulling the wool over your eyes from the moment you met. This is not a situation you helped create. You bare no responsibility for his double life. 7
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 When he finally told the AP that he was married, he told her that it was a "bad marriage"; that we slept it separate bedrooms; never spoke; he was very unhappy but just accepted that he would have to live that rest of his life this way. I can see why she would believe some of this - there were several occasions when they would text at 1am, 2am 3am while I was lying next to him, asleep
oldshirt Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 He was living a double life and pulling the wool over your eyes from the moment you met. This is not a situation you helped create. When people cite the 50/50 thing, they are assuming that the marriage was originally a standard marriage to begin with and then deteriorated to where the conditions for an affair were ripe. Unfortunately, you never had an exclusive marriage to begin with unbeknownst to you. This was an intentional fraud perpetuated by a conman. That whole 50/50 thing does not apply to you at all. 4
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 It is frightening; how I have been married to this monster for almost 6 years. The more truths that come out, the scarier it is. I don't even know who he is. I feel like such an idiot. I was so blind
painfullyobvious Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Fifty-fifty is a nice way of saying you are in a relationship together or if you are in a no fault state that is how the legal system looks at a marriage. I cannot see exactly where you think you could have done anything about this is all of it was secretive and self-centeredness of your husband. You are not missing anything about your responsibility because there is very little to find. This is really disturbing. I am not sure how you reconcile from this. The next question for you is what you plan to do next. If you are planning divorce I would contact the other woman, compare notes and follow this story all the way down the rabbit hole. The more information on this husband of yours regarding divorce the better. I cannot see staying with a person who would sleep with someone else a few days before your wedding night. If you choose to reconcile the consequences have to be huge and his life is an open book. Out of town visits stop unless they are for work and you go with unless there is a work conflict. I wish you luck. So sorry 1
harrybrown Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 So he has told you some of this in MC. Has he gone NC with the OW? Has he written a letter for you to read and send to her telling her the truth? Is he an open book now and begging you to stay in the marriage? If not, file for divorce. He is very selfish and cold. Sorry you are having this rotten experience. Hope you do something for yourself to keep your sanity in the near future.
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Thank you, everyone for your responses. It's been almost 3 months since D-Day and my head is still spinning but your comments help in that I see where I am not responsible for his choices. Since I met him, I have not ever entertained nor wanted to be with another man.
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 He has gone NC with the OW. He hand wrote a letter to her and gave it to me to mail. I didn't mail it. He also has given me all his passwords, phone, agreed to key logger and has vowed complete transparency. He is 100% remorseful, begging for reconciliation but he still continues to lie until I catch him in something. So many tears; he is pathetic. Hard to look at him I have no desire to R; the MC advised me to give it 3 more months before I file.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 He has gone NC with the OW. He hand wrote a letter to her and gave it to me to mail. I didn't mail it. He also has given me all his passwords, phone, agreed to key logger and has vowed complete transparency. He is 100% remorseful, begging for reconciliation but he still continues to lie until I catch him in something. So many tears; he is pathetic. Hard to look at him I have no desire to R; the MC advised me to give it 3 more months before I file. Hey if you want to file now and you believe you're done - No hope whatsoever, then file. 3 months is not going to make a difference. Your husband is who he is and a sociopath does not change. Ever. And throw in the narcissistic personality in there too, double whammy! He is a skilled manipulator, real good at pretending too.
AirForceWife038 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I'm so sorry you are going through this... It's hard for me to say boot him to the curb since I cant decide to kick my own scum bag out but your husband was never really existed. you are not to blame don't let anyone try to ever tell you that.
cocorico Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 He is 100% remorseful... but he still continues to lie until I catch him in something. Then he is not remorseful - he is merely acting. If he was truly remorseful, there would be no more lies. There would be full disclosure - nothing left to discover, no lies left to catch. This is not normal behaviour. This man is a master manipulator who can convince at least two women to believe him and trust him. He has proven himself untrustworthy consistently. Why would your MC think the M might be salvageable? Has s/he been bamboozled by this con man too? 2
Trimmer Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 You don't. You were the victim of fraud and deception. This isn't a case of a spouse getting disillusioned or bored after ten years of marriage and stepping out with someone he/she met and couldn't pass up the temptation. Agree, agree, agree, You married under false pretenses. And he was willfully deceiving you since before you were married. I'm a big one on a BS taking the 50/50 responsibility for the relationship as it exists prior to and separate from an affair, but this is something different. As others are pointing out, you never had a fundamentally sound relationship, at ANY point, even before you were married.
oldshirt Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 He is 100% remorseful, begging for reconciliation but he still continues to lie until I catch him in something. So many tears; he is pathetic. Hard to look at him I have no desire to R; the Medo give it 3 more months before I file. IMHO this is not a normal guy who met and fell in love with a good woman and got married all in good faith and then years down the road started to develop some inappropriate feelings for a gal at the office and one thing lead to another. There is a good chance this guy is a sociopath, master manipulator and his whole life has been a fraud and a conman. He'll never be honest because he makes up his own truths to suit his own purposes at every given moment. This isn't a normal, decent guy that happened to develop feelings for someone else. He intentionally sold a fraudulent bill of goods to two women to suit his own whims. He could cut it off with this woman and not think twice about her for the rest of his life. Sociopaths can do that without blinking an eye and you will think you have won, BUT, next week it will be another scam and another fraud. Next week it may be something financial or something illegal or something with his or your job. The following week he could cut YOU out of his life without blinking an eye because he doesn't feel attachment and love and a sense of right and wrong like other people. You counselor is wrong in this instance. All three months will do is give him time to put on a really good act and make people think he's sincere. A three month waiting period is immaterial because he married you fraudulently and under false pretenses to begin with. He was never sincere from day one. There is nothing here to recover or reconcile. I don't mean to sound so cold and harsh and heartless. My heart is breaking for you and I pray for you but you hav to face the facts that he is not a normal person and your relationship with him was built on a representation. You will never be able to believe anything he ever says again and you shouldn't. Is that the kind of life you want to live?
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 This completely insane to me! During an individual session with the MC, the MC told me that he was truly remorseful; he was devastated; that he was sorry; was juvenile; immature and gullible. If I took him back, he would NEVER do this again. I told the MC that he was good; and he was probably pulling the wool over her eyes. She took offense and said, "I've been doing this for 30-years and he's not doing that to me". I agree - he is a sociopath - he goes beyond being juvenile, immature and gullible I dumped the MC last week, and I am looking for an IC. I am not interested in R, so I'm done with that. Again, thanks to all of you for your responses and for opening my eyes up to the world of the "sociopath". I stayed up until 2am this morning reading on the personality disorder - it is him to a "T" 3
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I joined in 2010 because I was doing a goggle search on "passwords being shared in a marriage" and I ran across this site. He felt that spouses were entitled to their privacy. I didn't feel comfortable with it, but he made me seem as I was unreasonable; that he had nothing to hide - so I accepted his position. Now I see why he wanted to keep his privacy. I knew he always had 3-4 different e-mail accounts. One particular email we shared for business; he accidentally sent her an email from that account. That's how I found out about his 9-year affair with her.
Author excusememister Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 When I discovered the affair and confronted him, he lied and told me: "I've only talked to her about 2 or 3 times - it was nothing". I checked our AT&T phone records and saw literally 1,000's and 1,000's of text messages - there were several were they would text for 48-hours straight; as I mentioned at 1am, 2am, 3am; while I was sleeping next to him. During the period we were married, we ALWAYS went to bed together. I was oblivious to this. He admitted that they emailed each other more than they texted. He deleted all his email I am gone from home all day on Saturday - that is when they had long drawn out phone conversations. He would sneak a few in during the week if I was out running errands
lolablue17 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) I feel like such an idiot. I was so blind You are just innocent and naive. These human characteristics are well valued and appreciated by good men of qualities. You probably lost some of your innocence, but try not to lose all of it. you bumped into a professional crook who tricked you. You are a victim of a sting. Go a had and build your new life with a smile. Life will smile you back Edited February 4, 2014 by lolablue17 mistake
No Limit Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I have no desire to R; the MC advised me to give it 3 more months before I file. You don't need to follow advise of anyone. Not even tat of the forums. But heck - file for divorce as soon as possible is what I'd advise you. That way you don't have to waste 3 months with what exactly? Writing down a book with the title "My husband's lies, Vol. 1"?!
experiencethedevine Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 What? And you never did anything or is that how you discovered it?? how come you joined in 2010 and never posted at all, what happened in 2010?. Did you know then and just turned a blind eye? I know what you mean about catching him, my MM has been through d day and I know he has given up his phone and passwords, and I know he probably begged forgiveness, but i am seeing him tomorrow, I must be mad. Yes, I agree..........................
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