nineyearsgone79 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Hello, I just wanted to vent a bit. I'm turning 35 this month and have been in a 4 year relationship with a man who is 32. Anyway.. the man has told me he wants to marry and have a child together. We have started looking for houses and are both financially independent and in a great place with a good amount of savings 310k combined. Anyway, my mother thinks I am going in the wrong direction. She doesn't think I should marry or god forbid have a child. I told her we went out to look at a 3 bedroom home that was nice and she said it was far to large (even though I plan to have a home office for my business.) She is very negative on things and it really hurts. She said "I hope your not planning on having a child they are the worst." Anyway.. it just hurts.. I am an only child and I don't understand why she doesn't want me to have these things in life. I am close with my parents and my dad is very positive but my mom is just acting like a child. I don't understand. Thanks for reading..any thoughts would be great on how to handler this/her. Thanks!
Author nineyearsgone79 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 P.S. Also, We have been living together almost 3 years.
Woggle Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Did she have a really bad experience within a marriage?
OpenBook Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Has she always been this negative about marriage & kids for you? Or did this just crop up since you've been talking about doing this with your partner? If it's the latter, my guess is she doesn't like your partner and she's trying to head you off at the pass, so to speak - trying to warn you off taking a path that she sees will only end in disaster. Never underestimate a mother's instincts. I'm not saying she's right, but I definitely think it would be worth it to find out what's behind her negativity. Ask her point-blank how she feels about your partner, and why she's being so negative about this since (it appears) it's really something you want to do. Don your thick skin!!!
CarrieT Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 You just sit your Mom down, look her in the eyes, and say: "Mom, I appreciate that you want the best for me. I love you very much but it is important that I live my own life, make my own decisions, and - if they happen - make my own mistakes and learn and grow from them. That is what it means to live and love and succeed. You can't shelter me, nor can you live my life for me. That is why you brought me into this world, isn't? For me to have my own experiences, successes, failures, growths, and triumphs? " Then kiss her on the cheek and do what you need to do for you. 4
mrs rubble Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Children "are the worst" is a very hurtful thing to say to your only child!!! No wonder you're upset!!! You do whatever your heart desires, it's your life to do so with, not your mothers. My Mother disowned me for a bit when I was pregnant with my oldest and tried to convince me to have a termination....which wasn't what I wanted so I went ahead with the pregnancy anyway. When my son was born she was the most doting grandma. One day when she tried to interfere with my parenting I reminded her that if she had her way we wouldn't need to have this discussion! Follow your heart. You are too old now to do what mum tells you to! 3
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 P.S. Also, We have been living together almost 3 years. Live your life - Marry and have children. Your mom doesn't call the shots and this is not her life! She is upset, you are her only daughter and she is (unhealthy way) too attached to you. Controlling and demanding, not wanting what is best for you - She is doing what is best for her. Selfishness.... Keep the lines of communication open, don't shut her out but make sure she knows that she gets no say in how your life is, doesn't get to choose your choices for you. Your dad is supportive so hopefully he can help influence her in a positive way. 2
M30USA Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Live your life - Marry and have children. Your mom doesn't call the shots and this is not her life! She is upset, you are her only daughter and she is (unhealthy way) too attached to you. Controlling and demanding, not wanting what is best for you - She is doing what is best for her. Selfishness.... Keep the lines of communication open, don't shut her out but make sure she knows that she gets no say in how your life is, doesn't get to choose your choices for you. Your dad is supportive so hopefully he can help influence her in a positive way. This..............
deathandtaxes Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Sometimes parents can just be dicks. You can't fix them. You CAN choose whether you want to have a relationship with them and what the boundaries of those relationships are. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Sorry to say, you are going to have to make a choice of your mother or your man. The marriage has zero chance of surviving as long as you mother is still in the picture. She will make the two of you miserable. And then to bring a child into such a life. Get into IC immediately to find out why you are so attached to your mother. You need help.
Els Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Your mum needs to talk to mine - she has been bugging me to get married since I hit 25! In all seriousness, you have to have the conviction to make the decisions that you want to make for your own life. You are an adult now. One of the biggest regrets that people have in life is living the life that others wanted them to live, not the life that they wanted to live. Like Carrie said, tell them that you love them but you have to make your own decisions now. It is not going to be easy if she constantly bugs you about it (like mine does), but hopefully with time and persistence you will be able to get her to stop. Edited February 5, 2014 by Elswyth 1
SolG Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hi nineyearsgone :-) Do you know WHY your mother holds these views on marriage and children? If you could understand her rationale/fears, you may be able to show her that they are not applicable/unfounded in your case. Maybe... :-/ I was married at a younger age than my daughter is now. And I regret that immensely. I'm now long term separated. As a result of these experiences, I as a general rule don't believe in marriage at a young age; nor do I believe that any woman should ever let herself become completely dependant on a man (financially, emotionally, socially, etc), children or no. In fact, I believe marriage is a choice, not a life goal or necessity. I also have a slew of other 'unconventional' views which I won't bore you with here. Anyhoo... my point is that my daughter and I have an open dialogue on all these things. Some views she shares with me, others not so much. But because we discuss and share them and understand each other's perspectives, we can disagree amicably. For the most part :-) (We're a long way from perfect!) I understand that she will ultimately make some life choices that I won't necessarily agree with; but I will love and support her nonetheless. Could you and your mother have a similar dialogue about your opposing views?
thinkingofhim Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My mom acts very negative and jealous whenever I manage to accomplish something that she didn't.
Iguanna Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Haha it seems all people who have kids advise the childless people NOT to have kids and they present a million problems, they never mention though the happiness a kid gives you, weird huh? It's like having a ferrari and a friend telling you they want to buy a ferrari as well and you telling them "nah don't buy it, it's a pain in the ass cause of this and that..." but they never say the positive things. Your mom should not have a saying in your life, you are too old for this.
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