SG19765 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Ok guys a little short story. My whole life I have never been able to fully fall in love and let myself be vulnerable in a relationship. I always turned the cold shoulder. This has prevented me from really ever experiencing anything real with anyone. I have had a few partners all of which ended badly due to my self centered ways. I have recently found someone who I am willing to actually let myself be open with to really try and be vulnerable and loving in a relationship. My main problem is that due to my lack of caring in my previous life I find myself feeling a little inadequate in the relationship aspect. She has had 3 serious relationships, while most of mine were just passing time. I always was a party animal (booze and drugs) which seems to have caused my negative view on relationships. I grew up and I'm looking for something more. She is a nice respectable woman and I really do not want to let my pride ruin this. Any suggestions on how to stop worrying over this and just move on to the good stuff?
GoreSP Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Exactly what are you worried about here? The best advice I can give you is : communicate!!
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Pretty much that I don't have the serious relationship experience going on here. That's the biggie. I don't want that to be a turn off because I want to make this work. It's still fairly new so I may just be having some new relationship anxiety. Just always thought I would be a loner and was not expecting feelings to come about like this.
Tayken Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I have had a few partners all of which ended badly due to my self centered ways. Work on this first...Unfortunately a lot of parents are bringing up kids to be like this these days. Teenagers are bad for this She has had 3 serious relationships, So you know she is not going to tolerate any nonsense then? I always was a party animal (booze and drugs) which seems to have caused my negative view on relationships Does she know about this? It behooves you to disclose this information to her and for you to get some help on this She is a nice respectable woman and I really do not want to let my pride ruin this. Now we are talking, every self respectable man's dream. The as mentioned prior, talk to her about your past, show her how far you will go for the relationship as opposed to for her or yourself...see the difference here? If you can do all this, then you should be GOLDEN. Again....mutual respect is the top part of the pyramid for any relationship to survive. Forget about all that "love" nonsense 1
Mondmellonw Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) You wrote she was respectable. You say you want to make things right. Well, this kinda happened to me on my last relationship. This guy also used to be the party kind, and had lots of girlfriends. For what I knew, none of them were really significant, except for the duration of his last relationship. He really (on his terms) gave his all in our relationship. It only lasted 7 months. He stopped drinking and left his buddies aside for a little while. I never asked him to do any of this, but he of course knew that I didn't liked his drinking. He was very gentle at first, but never really seemed to know how to love. Every time I did a "cute" thing for him, or had a cute gesture, he didn't knew how to react. He actually told me every time he felt confused. Well, he was kind of learning how to love himself with me. Truth is, he never did loved me... Or maybe I want to see it that way for not feeling guilty on not being capable to help him, but, well. He started to be distant and very disrespectable. So I left him. To me, love is being honest and respect the other. But honesty sure comes for first. He lied to me about many things in order to make me stay, and well, I am surely not a pair of shoes, or a possession. If you want to be with this girl, communicate, be honest, and take it slowly, get to know her and let her know you. That's all I can say. Edited February 3, 2014 by Mondmellonw
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) @Tayken You kind of lost me when you say she's not going to tolerate any nonsense? Meaning my wild partying ways. I can agree with that. I straightened up about 4 years ago and have never looked back. I do have drinks once in a while but thats the extent of it. I am a firm believe that certain things from the past are better left untouched, but the above is a part of who I am want to be today so I definitely told her about it. I'm by no means a man whore, I consider myself a decent guy in that aspect, meaning that I always tried and was never one for random causal sex and to find somone with those same views in todays age is rare so I am a happy man. I just could never give anyone my all. Kind of lived through my 20's like a Bob Seger song or a bad country song if that makes sense. Like I said I just hope that my lack of actually putting in work and being self centered in a relationship is not a turnoff. I was never very sensitive to peoples situations, past experiences, why they are who they are. So in a sense I guess that kind of made me a bad guy. People change tho. Edited February 3, 2014 by SG19765
Mondmellonw Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 It is not a turn of,, but it is something you'll have to work on. Good thing here is that you sound convinced. And yes, people change when they're absolutely convinced. Again: I would suggest that you both take your time. Get to know each other.
Sunlight72 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I just could never give anyone my all. Kind of lived through my 20's like a Bob Seger song or a bad country song if that makes sense. Like I said I just hope that my lack of actually putting in work and being self centered in a relationship is not a turnoff. I was never very sensitive to peoples situations, past experiences, why they are who they are. So in a sense I guess that kind of made me a bad guy. People change tho. Hey SG, sounds like you've been growing in positive ways by the choices you are making for your life! Right on As to your question of how to develop yourself into good relationship material - I think you are looking through too narrow a window. The way you relate to PEOPLE is going to carry over very strongly in how you relate to this new woman. Of course I'm only getting an incomplete picture from the few words in your posts, but it sounds like you are in the steps of becoming a mature person. It doesn't sound like you're there yet (who of us are, really?). I would warmly encourage you to volunteer your time somewhere twice a month. I think it will help widen your perspective on people's histories and personal difficulties and personal successes. Helping others without personal gain is something I have found to be surprisingly positive and uplifting for me It also helps many people appreciate and be more humble, listen better, and develop more patience and gratitude in their own lives and personal relationships. If you really want to make these good changes you have brought into your life stick, then take it up a level and help others. I think it will solidify your good progress. Plus, it's fun and feels great! I'm telling you, it's so easy to laugh and high-five while volunteering that I often keep smiling through the following day! This is not a theoretical idea I have. I really mean that I think you should go physically volunteer. Best Wishes, Sunlight 1
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