Eggplant Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 You don't need to play any games, but I would recommend respecting people's emotional boundaries. Recognize that there's a natural push and pull when people are getting to know each other, and that it can really make somebody feel suffocated when they think they're getting in too quickly too fast. Pouring your heart out does put unnecessary pressure on the other.
Author nadinefleur Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 You don't need to play any games, but I would recommend respecting people's emotional boundaries. Recognize that there's a natural push and pull when people are getting to know each other, and that it can really make somebody feel suffocated when they think they're getting in too quickly too fast. Pouring your heart out does put unnecessary pressure on the other. Maybe this is what happened in my case, and I pushed him away.. I don't think I came on too strongly though but perhaps if he wasn't feeling it then it pushed him away. I will remember this. Thanks
winny Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Maybe this is what happened in my case, and I pushed him away.. I don't think I came on too strongly though but perhaps if he wasn't feeling it then it pushed him away. I will remember this. Thanks He could have just told you then that he needs some space...
Scales Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 The reason there is game is because of competition. Everyone competes for their shot at the best possible mate. Attracting someone is not about cooperation or honesty, its about opportunity and technique. How you talk, what you say, your grooming, and how you look all play a factor. The reason there are rules for texting, what to say on a first date, and why you can't be desperate is because of competition. Everyone has expectations. You need to appear to be a catch. If you want to be honest about everything and open go ahead, but don't be bitter when someone playing the game swipes your opportunities from under you. If you don't want to wear make up, style your hair, or wear fashionable clothes you don't have to either. If you don't mind choosing from less attractive partners that is. Don't wonder why everything is a game or about its flaws. Learn to play the game and you can succeed.
OnlyHonesty Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) Well as a woman, I can tell you that I don't agree with how you say men should behave to get a woman. Because I don't like arseholes, and if I sense a guy is playing games it turns me off. I would much rather be with a guy who is nice and who tells me how he feels. This is what the vast majority of women seem to say whether in person, on forums, at work or in general yet if you take a real good look around, you will often see the exact opposite. In your case you say how much you want a nice guy, a guy that will not play games and will straight up tell you how he feels etc. I bet part of why you want this or think you want this is because you can't yet find it. I bet if you got a real nice guy who complimented you, told you how he felt, gave you flowers and played zero games, you would get bored, wonder why you didn't want this and eventually get rid of him. Now at this moment, you will say there is no chance of this at all and you are adamant you want a nice guy. Check this out as an example and its on this very forum. I bet the girl in that thread at one time or other said the same thing you just did. Small summary from that thread for those who can't be bothered to click on it. This sounds kind of silly..... I love my boyfriend a great deal and he's been great to me these past 2 years... BUT, sometimes I find myself getting annoyed with how nice he is to me. He is a genuinely nice person, but sometimes I guess it's a little over the top. He always has the right things to say. He's always positive. I feel like I should be more appreciative that i have a great guy who treats me like a princess but I get bored! Now here is an example of a nice guy romantic type who tried a few PUA gaming tactics (he pretended to be a bad guy) and was upset at the fact it worked. Just to give you an idea of what this guy is like. I had always taken the honorable and honest approach. I wrote girls love letters and poems in elementary school. They wound up dating the kid with the new pair of JNCO Jeans. I quoted love songs and romantic movies to girls in middle school. They wound up dating the kids on the football team. Don’t even get me started on high school. Now here is the section where he talked about the PUA stuff. While walking through a Barnes and Noble one day, I thought I found the answer: a New York Times bestseller on pickup artistry. Here were stories of men who went from geek to chic, from zero to hero. All you had to do was say the right things to women at the right times and they were yours. I immersed myself in the craft and got immediate results, I couldn’t understand it. I spent my whole life pouring my soul out to women and still didn’t have my true love. Yet, here I was practically insulting women and having them all over me. After a while, the game got old and I gave it up. After all, my goal in life has never been to get laid. I never even had sex with a woman until I was in love with her. Above isn't even the tip of the iceberg, I have seen it in public, at work and if you Google 'my boyfriend is too nice' you will see a huge amount of stories. Now perhaps some of the nice guys were a bit too much and it became annoying but I will bet money that some of those are like the one you say you want to find. Moral of the story, look at what a person does, not what they say. Edited February 5, 2014 by OnlyHonesty
Woggle Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 This is what the vast majority of women seem to say whether in person, on forums, at work or in general yet if you take a real good look around, you will often see the exact opposite. In your case you say how much you want a nice guy, a guy that will not play games and will straight up tell you how he feels etc. I bet part of why you want this or think you want this is because you can't yet find it. I bet if you got a real nice guy who complimented you, told you how he felt, gave you flowers and played zero games, you would get bored, wonder why you didn't want this and eventually get rid of him. Now at this moment, you will say there is no chance of this at all and you are adamant you want a nice guy. Check this out as an example and its on this very forum. I bet the girl in that thread at one time or other said the same thing you just did. Small summary from that thread for those who can't be bothered to click on it. Now here is an example of a nice guy romantic type who tried a few PUA gaming tactics (he pretended to be a bad guy) and was upset at the fact it worked. Just to give you an idea of what this guy is like. Now here is the section where he talked about the PUA stuff. While walking through a Barnes and Noble one day, I thought I found the answer: a New York Times bestseller on pickup artistry. Here were stories of men who went from geek to chic, from zero to hero. All you had to do was say the right things to women at the right times and they were yours. I immersed myself in the craft and got immediate results, I couldn’t understand it. I spent my whole life pouring my soul out to women and still didn’t have my true love. Yet, here I was practically insulting women and having them all over me. After a while, the game got old and I gave it up. After all, my goal in life has never been to get laid. I never even had sex with a woman until I was in love with her. Above isn't even the tip of the iceberg, I have seen it in public, at work and if you Google 'my boyfriend is too nice' you will see a huge amount of stories. Now perhaps some of the nice guys were a bit too much and it became annoying but I will bet money that some of those are like the one you say you want to find. Moral of the story, look at what a person does, not what they say. EXactly. Men just get tired of constantly ending up with the short end of the stick simply for treating women well.
winny Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 The reason there is game is because of competition. Everyone competes for their shot at the best possible mate. Attracting someone is not about cooperation or honesty, its about opportunity and technique. How you talk, what you say, your grooming, and how you look all play a factor. The reason there are rules for texting, what to say on a first date, and why you can't be desperate is because of competition. Everyone has expectations. You need to appear to be a catch. If you want to be honest about everything and open go ahead, but don't be bitter when someone playing the game swipes your opportunities from under you. If you don't want to wear make up, style your hair, or wear fashionable clothes you don't have to either. If you don't mind choosing from less attractive partners that is. Don't wonder why everything is a game or about its flaws. Learn to play the game and you can succeed. It's one thing to look attractive, talk confidently and be funny and not behave like needy etc... but it is different when you lie about who you are, lie about your intentions, behave like a gentlemen first and when the gal starts liking you then turn into a jerk and ignore her... When someone has already invested some time into you and started to like you, then they would definitely be worried as to what went wrong and contact you few times, but believe me if they realize this was all a game (to get into her pants or just to make her go crazy about you), a self respecting woman will leave then and there. And no normal woman, would ever fall for a guy who is a jerk from day one.
Tayken Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 but it is different when you lie about who you are, lie about your intentions, behave like a gentlemen first and when the gal starts liking you then turn into a jerk and ignore her... Am guessing the comment is not gender neutral then?
winny Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Am guessing the comment is not gender neutral then? Am saying on behalf of the OP who is a woman.
Allumere Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I think the problem isn't so much game playing but people not knowing or being honest with themselves, having the bar too high, and/or not being able to bend. People meet, the attraction is there and even if there are possible deal breakers from the beginning they "give it a try". End result is a lot of hurt on both sides of the fence. If you have things you don't want, don't waste the other's persons time by even going on date #1.
Author nadinefleur Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Now here is the section where he talked about the PUA stuff. EXactly. Men just get tired of constantly ending up with the short end of the stick simply for treating women well. There's being overly nice, sucking up to someone, due to insecurity or neediness... and then there is treating a woman well and how she deserves. I've been with someone who treated me how I deserved and I was happy and never wanted him to be an arsehole to me. This recent guy who this thread is all about, was a gentleman to me throughout the 3 months we were seeing eachother, he treated me as I deserved, until the end when he decided to disappear without a word. Now that is not treating me how I deserve. And I don't think he was doing it to make me more attracted to him, because all of his 'niceness' at the beginning is what drew me to him. I have also dated a guy who so clearly read up on PUA stuff and it turned me right off. Maybe there are some girls who are attracted to that, but not me... and now I don't want to sound big headed, but I am a pretty attractive woman, I get lots of attention from men, and from experience I can spot a player/PUA type from a nice gentleman from a mile away! And believe me, the slimey sleazy PUA types that think its attractive to woman to treat them like dirt, does NOT appeal to me.
Author nadinefleur Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 The reason there is game is because of competition. Everyone competes for their shot at the best possible mate. Attracting someone is not about cooperation or honesty, its about opportunity and technique. How you talk, what you say, your grooming, and how you look all play a factor. The reason there are rules for texting, what to say on a first date, and why you can't be desperate is because of competition. Everyone has expectations. You need to appear to be a catch. If you want to be honest about everything and open go ahead, but don't be bitter when someone playing the game swipes your opportunities from under you. If you don't want to wear make up, style your hair, or wear fashionable clothes you don't have to either. If you don't mind choosing from less attractive partners that is. Don't wonder why everything is a game or about its flaws. Learn to play the game and you can succeed. But what I want to know is when does it stop being a game? You cannot play a game throughout your whole relationship? Thats tough and hard work! Yes at the early stages of dating, I appeared to be a catch, I am an attractive woman and I make the most of my appearance.. and I let him chase me... but there comes a point where I thought the woman had to show she was interested too and not let the man do all the work. But I think in my case, this guy was clearly 'acting' like a gentleman to get sex and then once he got it he was gone, I don't think it would matter whether I told him I liked him or not. Winny's hit the nail on the head here: It's one thing to look attractive, talk confidently and be funny and not behave like needy etc... but it is different when you lie about who you are, lie about your intentions, behave like a gentlemen first and when the gal starts liking you then turn into a jerk and ignore her... When someone has already invested some time into you and started to like you, then they would definitely be worried as to what went wrong and contact you few times, but believe me if they realize this was all a game (to get into her pants or just to make her go crazy about you), a self respecting woman will leave then and there. And no normal woman, would ever fall for a guy who is a jerk from day one.
joystickd Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 For men and women it's easier to lie to get what you want than to be honest. Crazy thing is these people fail to realize that honesty gives you a better quality relationship than even telling the smallest lie
Woggle Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 For men and women it's easier to lie to get what you want than to be honest. Crazy thing is these people fail to realize that honesty gives you a better quality relationship than even telling the smallest lie True but these days people want instant gratification instead of waiting for quality.
theothersully Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I am fed up of the dating "game".. Why is it all a game? Why do us women have to hold back incase we 'scare' a guy away. Why can we not be ourselves? I swear I screw up every relationship or any potential relationship by just being myself. I find it incredibly hard work and effort to have to play games in order for the guy to chase me... I am not a fake person, and always wear my heart on my sleeve, but when it comes to dating this scares guys off! They think I'm 'crazy', but I swear I'm not!! I tell a guy I like him and he runs for the hills. I tell a guy I want honesty and he runs for the hills, I tell a guy I don't like games and he runs for the hills. How can you act casual and aloof when you have emotions inside? I don't think I will ever find love, its too much hard work This isn't a male/female issue. I spend my entire time dating squeezing emotions down and trying to keep my mouth shut or play aloof. It's weird and foreign... and women run for the hills too, if you indicate any interest. People are weird.
theothersully Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 There's being overly nice, sucking up to someone, due to insecurity or neediness... and then there is treating a woman well and how she deserves. I've been with someone who treated me how I deserved and I was happy and never wanted him to be an arsehole to me. This recent guy who this thread is all about, was a gentleman to me throughout the 3 months we were seeing eachother, he treated me as I deserved, until the end when he decided to disappear without a word. Now that is not treating me how I deserve. And I don't think he was doing it to make me more attracted to him, because all of his 'niceness' at the beginning is what drew me to him. I have also dated a guy who so clearly read up on PUA stuff and it turned me right off. Maybe there are some girls who are attracted to that, but not me... and now I don't want to sound big headed, but I am a pretty attractive woman, I get lots of attention from men, and from experience I can spot a player/PUA type from a nice gentleman from a mile away! And believe me, the slimey sleazy PUA types that think its attractive to woman to treat them like dirt, does NOT appeal to me. Agreed. From my experience, being genuinely fun, interesting, playful and having drive/motivation in life is what attracts women. Those pua guys never do as well as i do. It's just a numbers game for them and they always get shot down by experienced, highly attractive women who can see them coming. See that they are just faking it.
skydiveaddict Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 So you are saying I shouldn't be myself, and I should 'pretend' that I don't like a guy? Not at all. I'm saying the right guy will come along for you. This dude just wasn't the one. But it will happen for you. How should a woman play this game? Be yourself. That's how you play the game. I think I just lost someone I really liked because I was myself and didn't play games... And how long do think that would have lasted? You did the right thing.
joystickd Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 True but these days people want instant gratification instead of waiting for quality. Yes but people vibe off of each other so if one seems unsure the other may push to see if the person is really into them. Also we have people that meet our need with little resistance so it becomes an issues of people doing what works for them. Its less about instant gratification and more about doing what works. Why change how you operate if it has worked previously?
David87 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Hei Nadinefleur would date you no worries. All joke aside you haven't met the right person yet, you have to be patient.
Author nadinefleur Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 IF only I had patience... I seem to screw up every relationship I have because I don't have patience... but then waiting 4 days for someone to contact you after having sex is pretty messed up...
winny Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 IF only I had patience... I seem to screw up every relationship I have because I don't have patience... but then waiting 4 days for someone to contact you after having sex is pretty messed up... Don't blame yourself. I think women are told a lot many times that they need to patient, but the reason why they become impatient is that the guy is treating them bad or behaving weird. So it's a reaction to the guy's action. Of course there are certain cases where women are unreasonable. But most cases the guys drive them to this impatience.
Author nadinefleur Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Don't blame yourself. I think women are told a lot many times that they need to patient, but the reason why they become impatient is that the guy is treating them bad or behaving weird. So it's a reaction to the guy's action. Of course there are certain cases where women are unreasonable. But most cases the guys drive them to this impatience. Thank you - your comments always make me feel better! (...and not insane!)
OnlyHonesty Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) Thank you - your comments always make me feel better! (...and not insane!) Of course they do, they place pretty much all of the blame on the men. I on the other hand will only tell you the truth which more than likely will make you feel very insane. Edited February 8, 2014 by OnlyHonesty
JourneyLady Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Of course they do, they place pretty much all of the blame on the men. I on the other hand will only tell you the truth which more than likely will make you feel very insane. Fair Enough. I'll give you a scenario. Guy plays into me, acts nice, probably the nicest of anyone I've been with in years. Everything was going well. He suggested pulling profiles, and being exclusive. So we did. We had sex and he didn't seem to be running anywhere..... We had another planned date and.... Wait, stop... He's pulled his profile from where we were, but there's another on a different (free to contact) dating site. I don't panic, because he's treating me so well... I watch the profile. The day before we were to meet again, we're chatting online and afterwards I see he checked his profile while we were chatting. The guy that is supposedly so into me I brought him out of his dry spell... He wasn't honest and it's MY fault somehow? I spent five years with an ex that did that sort of thing. I wasn't going to waste any more time and pulled the plug on this guy. Near as I can tell, he's still out there looking. Which is fine, because I didn't seem to be what he was looking for. Meh. Oh and then there's the one who asked me if I wanted to go on another date (it would be the first real date since meeting). I say sure, yeah! Time and place up to you. It's been about five days now.... Haven't heard a thing. But he's on the dating site every damn day and just about every 6 hours or so. Sigh...
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