Long-term Relationships in 20s: Should I Force Single?

[Buriel]

I am a 22 year old male just recently out of college with a great career in the IT field. About a year ago I found an extraordinary girl online named Jen. Previous to Jen and I dating I had been single for two years. In those two years, most of my dates came from either online sites or just asking random girls out at coffee shops. I must have had about 40-50 dates in that timespan with little to no luck. Whether the girl was beautiful or not the emotional connection was always lacking. I had two criteria for dating: solid emotional connection and very physically attractive. I am self-conscious about the latter because I feel shallow, but I have accepted that it’s important to me.

 

Then I met Jen. We talked to quite a few times on the phone before we met up in person. Even on the phone I knew that I was attracted to this girl just by how conversation flowed. I felt the emotional connection that had been lacking in all of my other dates. The first date with Jen was great, but stupid little things kept bothering me about her physical appearance. It was like an episode of Seinfeld where a girl not putting the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste is a deal breaker. Jen had two moles on her face that bothered me for some reason, and she was a little bit heavier than her online profile portrayed. I was weighing the option of whether to keep dating her or not with my friends. All my friends said that both of those were stupid reasons to not date someone. Especially since aside from those two things she’s a beautiful girl with an amazing personality. Another concern of mine was that one of my friends said that I was more attractive than her and that I could do better physically.

 

I decided to push through this whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Jen and I developed an extremely honest and loving relationship. Several months into our relationship I brought up the issue of the moles and her weight. Since we had such an honest relationship she said that she would work on both of these things because she loves me. She had one of the moles removed and she has lost a ton of weight since. This has improved how physically attracted I am to her, which is wonderful. She is still working on losing weight, but she has done incredible so far.

 

Now I am running into the "grass is greener" problem. All of my friends are single and these stupid reasons for not dating Jen continue to surface. Now the other mole (the one she didn’t have removed) bothers me, and I still worry that I am dating someone less attractive than me. Sometimes I am physically attracted to Jen, but sometimes I am not. Other than these stupid reasons she still continues to have amazing qualities. She is incredibly loyal, very pretty depending on who you talk to, has very motherly traits, loves me an incredible amount, and she has an awesome upbringing. From an outsiders perspective I look crazy for considering not dating her. She is the perfect girl and I am solely worried about how she looks. I know that is terrible, but I can’t help it.

 

My main concern is that I will continue to always find something wrong with any girl I date. Also, I know that what is important to me now probably won’t be important to me when I am 30. I know that the traits Jen has are 100% what someone is looking for in a partner to settle down with. I don’t want to give this up and then never find someone with these great traits again.

 

It would be awesome to get an outsiders opinion on the matter. Should I stay with Jen and continue to work at our relationship, or should I try to find someone who I feel is more attractive but may not have all the same qualities?

[TylerDurdenn]

You have issues, please don't let his good girl suffer.

[Buriel]

I was hoping for something maybe a little bit more insightful? Especially considering that it has been proven that physical attraction is a relevant attribute when choosing a partner for life.

[TylerDurdenn]

I was hoping for something maybe a little bit more insightful? Especially considering that it has been proven that physical attraction is a relevant attribute when choosing a partner for life.

 

It's quite clear that you don't find this girl attractive, and since appearance is such an issue for you then maybe the best thing is to break it off now.

[TaraMaiden]

I am a 22 year old male just recently out of college with a great career in the IT field. About a year ago I found an extraordinary girl online named Jen. Previous to Jen and I dating I had been single for two years. In those two years, most of my dates came from either online sites or just asking random girls out at coffee shops. I must have had about 40-50 dates in that timespan with little to no luck. Whether the girl was beautiful or not the emotional connection was always lacking. I had two criteria for dating: solid emotional connection and very physically attractive. I am self-conscious about the latter because I feel shallow, but I have accepted that it’s important to me.

 

Then I met Jen. We talked to quite a few times on the phone before we met up in person. Even on the phone I knew that I was attracted to this girl just by how conversation flowed. I felt the emotional connection that had been lacking in all of my other dates. The first date with Jen was great, but stupid little things kept bothering me about her physical appearance. It was like an episode of Seinfeld where a girl not putting the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste is a deal breaker. Jen had two moles on her face that bothered me for some reason, and she was a little bit heavier than her online profile portrayed. I was weighing the option of whether to keep dating her or not with my friends. All my friends said that both of those were stupid reasons to not date someone. Especially since aside from those two things she’s a beautiful girl with an amazing personality. Another concern of mine was that one of my friends said that I was more attractive than her and that I could do better physically.

 

I decided to push through this whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Jen and I developed an extremely honest and loving relationship. Several months into our relationship I brought up the issue of the moles and her weight. Since we had such an honest relationship she said that she would work on both of these things because she loves me. She had one of the moles removed and she has lost a ton of weight since. This has improved how physically attracted I am to her, which is wonderful. She is still working on losing weight, but she has done incredible so far.

 

Now I am running into the "grass is greener" problem. All of my friends are single and these stupid reasons for not dating Jen continue to surface. Now the other mole (the one she didn’t have removed) bothers me, and I still worry that I am dating someone less attractive than me. Sometimes I am physically attracted to Jen, but sometimes I am not. Other than these stupid reasons she still continues to have amazing qualities. She is incredibly loyal, very pretty depending on who you talk to, has very motherly traits, loves me an incredible amount, and she has an awesome upbringing. From an outsiders perspective I look crazy for considering not dating her. She is the perfect girl and I am solely worried about how she looks. I know that is terrible, but I can’t help it.

 

My main concern is that I will continue to always find something wrong with any girl I date. Also, I know that what is important to me now probably won’t be important to me when I am 30. I know that the traits Jen has are 100% what someone is looking for in a partner to settle down with. I don’t want to give this up and then never find someone with these great traits again.

 

It would be awesome to get an outsiders opinion on the matter. Should I stay with Jen and continue to work at our relationship, or should I try to find someone who I feel is more attractive but may not have all the same qualities?

 

You admit yourself that you are shallow.

Face it.

looks obviously matter to you far more than what goes deeper.

So do this bright, intelligent, considerate, loving selfless girl the best favour possible, and release her to find someone who values her for those qualities above all else, and doesn't give a flying pig'sass, about a mole.

 

Look instead for that perfect ten, blonde bimbette who may well have next to nothing between her ears, but at least she will be so gorgeous that you won't notice the vacuous quality.

[Eivuwan]

Man, this post reminded me of my ex so much that it bothers me. Well we didn't work out because he didn't find me physically attractive enough. In my experience, people who are this concerned about minor issues with others' appearances such as moles have some sort of insecurity about their own looks. I think you need to figure out why this bothers you so much. Maybe it is just that you need some time to mature and realize how insignificant these concerns are in the bigger picture. But for now, if stuff like this is important enough for you to consider ending the relationship, I would say end it and let her have the opportunity to find someone who appreciates her as she is because there really isn't anything wrong with her.

[maturityassets]

Be single then. You're 22 do what you want. But at the same time you have a problem. You think the looks of your partner define you. You said it yourself you think you look hotter and therefore it's easy to imply from there that you think she brings you down in your stature because you probably care what others thinks. I'll tell you something my ex was no slim Jim. Never bother me she was chubby. So what? My current girlfriend is skinner and certainly is more devolped to say the least in certain areas but that isn't the reason I'm dating her. I'm dating her because she is intelligent, understanding, empathetic, fun, sexy to me (and every guy that hits on her while going to work/school but who cares), she loves me and I love her. Now jeez there are times i notice things to like (ooo she has a mole there.... But then i realize i have about 3 moles on just the front of my upper torso let alone). When you love someone you love them even of their imperfections because then they are an individual! They aren't just what you want in someone but someone outside of your mind and you should be able to tell yourself "this is a real person who i love and not just some fantasy". I'm not "****ting" on you I'm just saying you have some work to do on yourself

[Els]

If you want to be single, then be single. I don't see what you need to 'force' here.

[Buriel]

Be single then. You're 22 do what you want. But at the same time you have a .... I'm just saying you have some work to do on yourself

 

Those are some great points. I suppose posting here was meant to be a litmus test to see if others had these thoughts. I wasn't sure if maybe this was a normal thing that people struggle with. I realize that it is something people struggle with, but the part where it becomes my issue (and your post made me realize this) is that it affects me THIS much. That is certainly a personal issue. I'm sure it is attached in some way to my self esteem. I have always been self-conscious about those better looking thing than me. I have always felt that they are somehow "worth" more than me. In brutal honesty somehow in my brain having sex with a super model translates to more "points" then having sex with someone average looking. But I realize that there should not be this notion of "points" in love. It is a struggle because I have grown up in an age where photoshopped and pornographic images of woman are the standard. My eye has become attuned to those images over the years. Somehow I need to work past this. I suppose I should not act on anything, but instead work on myself through a therapist or someone I can bounce my thoughts and ideas off of.

[guest572]

End things now, you dont deserve her. "Sorry youre really great but you have a mole on your face." If thats how you feel now, what will you do in 20 or 30 years when she has grey hairs, stretch marks, wrinkles etc. trade her in for a young supermodel half your age? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, maybe you're not as perfect as you believe. Who are you to say you are too good looking for her? Yes attraction IS important, I agree. But you are either attracted or you are not. It doesn't matter how highly you think of yourself or what your friends say.

[Buriel]

Well now, I think ending it without some prior thought (this forum being one of the avenues for that) would be a rash decision. As I mentioned in my post before I think mentally there are some things that I need to mature in how they direct my feelings and emotions. I don't think attraction is black and white as you've said. It has a large gray area. You can be attracted to someone's personality, but not their looks. I believe what my original post is trying to get at is how to deal with my obsession regarding perfection of the latter (her looks).

[pteromom]

You feel your worth comes from the "hotness" of the girl you are with. Your friends think you could get someone hotter, so you find yourself criticizing her appearance and finding reasons they may be right.

 

But at the end of the day, when you go home, it doesn't really matter what others think. What matters is if this person makes you happy. Does she accept you? Does she "get" you? If she does, you have a rare gem of a girl and you would be daft to let her go over a mole.

 

If you walk into the room with a supermodel, sure, your friends will say "Wow! She's hot!" then they'll go home and live their own lives and you won't even enter their thoughts. And you'll be with this super hot woman with no emotional connection again, and will be unhappy even though you got some "points" with your pals.

 

You do need to work on yourself to where you aren't focusing on the minor "flaws" of your partner. After all, how would you like it if she did that to you?

 

She already got a mole removed and lost weight for you. This is YOUR problem, not hers, and even if she gets the other mole removed, you'll then find something else to focus on.

[maturityassets]

I advise start questioning why you feel like you get more "points" out of sleeping with someone hotter. The people you are acquainted with certainly aren't keeping score in a book and it's impossible to give points for each quality in an objective sense. Also I'm 21 as well, i know that we are surrounded by other people telling us what is beautiful. But there are many different ways guys take those images you on one hand view it as a point system to score higher, some guys don't believe they can even "score" that high and therefore the fantasy becomes better than the reality. One of the most difficult things in the 21st century for males is becoming intune with our masculinity. We are condemned for being either too aggressive or too passive and somehow we have to build a balance with ourselves and that is through confidence. Confidence is not arrogance that you can do no wrong, confidence is doing what ever you do and be ok with whatever outcome will occur because you know you will be ok! So be confident when you take your girl out in the town. Because who's judgments really hold value here? Yours or there's?

 

Some things I recommend to help bolster maculinity and confidence:

•Quit watching porn if you do. I've gone 2 months without it and I don't even miss it.

• look at ways to lower anxiety. You have a self esteem issue and normally they take root in some sort of anxiety or depression. Meditation works

• Allow yourself on days to admit you're just a man. I know this is odd but sometimes us confident young men become egoistic. We start getting full of self, thinking we are missing something by not sleeping with that really hot girl who is "clearly" into us. When in reality we know better. We know if we really wanted someone else we would be honest and leave our current relationship.

• continuing on that theme: have the courage to fall in love. Its one thing to say you love one and another one to open yourself completely to them. Power sometimes is viewed as complete independence but there is also empowerment in taking risk and overcoming it. And when you let someone in... Alright to be scared.

 

Just some suggestions

[guest572]

I don't think attraction is black and white as you've said. It has a large gray area. You can be attracted to someone's personality, but not their looks. I believe what my original post is trying to get at is how to deal with my obsession regarding perfection of the latter (her looks).

 

Sorry, I was referring solely to physical attraction in my post. It just doesn't sound right that her "flaws" are so major that you forced her to change and she still isn't attractive enough to you.

[Shaun-Dro]

I am a 22 year old male just recently out of college with a great career in the IT field. About a year ago I found an extraordinary girl online named Jen. Previous to Jen and I dating I had been single for two years. In those two years, most of my dates came from either online sites or just asking random girls out at coffee shops. I must have had about 40-50 dates in that timespan with little to no luck. Whether the girl was beautiful or not the emotional connection was always lacking. I had two criteria for dating: solid emotional connection and very physically attractive. I am self-conscious about the latter because I feel shallow, but I have accepted that it’s important to me.

 

Then I met Jen. We talked to quite a few times on the phone before we met up in person. Even on the phone I knew that I was attracted to this girl just by how conversation flowed. I felt the emotional connection that had been lacking in all of my other dates. The first date with Jen was great, but stupid little things kept bothering me about her physical appearance. It was like an episode of Seinfeld where a girl not putting the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste is a deal breaker. Jen had two moles on her face that bothered me for some reason, and she was a little bit heavier than her online profile portrayed. I was weighing the option of whether to keep dating her or not with my friends. All my friends said that both of those were stupid reasons to not date someone. Especially since aside from those two things she’s a beautiful girl with an amazing personality. Another concern of mine was that one of my friends said that I was more attractive than her and that I could do better physically.

 

I decided to push through this whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Jen and I developed an extremely honest and loving relationship. Several months into our relationship I brought up the issue of the moles and her weight. Since we had such an honest relationship she said that she would work on both of these things because she loves me. She had one of the moles removed and she has lost a ton of weight since. This has improved how physically attracted I am to her, which is wonderful. She is still working on losing weight, but she has done incredible so far.

 

Now I am running into the "grass is greener" problem. All of my friends are single and these stupid reasons for not dating Jen continue to surface. Now the other mole (the one she didn’t have removed) bothers me, and I still worry that I am dating someone less attractive than me. Sometimes I am physically attracted to Jen, but sometimes I am not. Other than these stupid reasons she still continues to have amazing qualities. She is incredibly loyal, very pretty depending on who you talk to, has very motherly traits, loves me an incredible amount, and she has an awesome upbringing. From an outsiders perspective I look crazy for considering not dating her. She is the perfect girl and I am solely worried about how she looks. I know that is terrible, but I can’t help it.

 

My main concern is that I will continue to always find something wrong with any girl I date. Also, I know that what is important to me now probably won’t be important to me when I am 30. I know that the traits Jen has are 100% what someone is looking for in a partner to settle down with. I don’t want to give this up and then never find someone with these great traits again.

 

It would be awesome to get an outsiders opinion on the matter. Should I stay with Jen and continue to work at our relationship, or should I try to find someone who I feel is more attractive but may not have all the same qualities?

 

 

You, my friend, deserve to be alone, after reading this selfish thread. I'm beside myself that you bugged a woman about getting a mole removed so you can feel more attracted to her. Why put this young lady through such torment to satisfy your dissatisfaction? Making her feel less attractive over a mundane physical flaw? That mole is a part of who she is. Her beauty mark.

 

 

You should've let her be the moment you realized you weren't into her like you wanted to be, regardless of her wonderful qualities. If you continue to string her along, which is what you're doing because it's clear you're going to break her heart at some point, you will definitely receive a serious dose of Karma down the line, guaranteed .

[Buriel]

I advise start questioning why you feel like you get more "points" out of sleeping with someone hotter ... And when you let someone in... Alright to be scared.

 

Just some suggestions

 

I really appreciate that advice. You bring up some amazing points. I do agree that porn is probably only adding to this issue so I should quit it. I have tried in the past, but I need to get back on that track. If she is important enough to me then I do need to quit it. I have done meditation in the past, but again I got lazy with it. I am diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder so maybe there is a little too much anxiety in my life and it's taking this small issue and blowing it out if proportion. Thanks for the feedback! There have been some great pieces of insight in this thread!

[KaylaP]

I am a 22 year old male just recently out of college with a great career in the IT field. About a year ago I found an extraordinary girl online named Jen. Previous to Jen and I dating I had been single for two years. In those two years, most of my dates came from either online sites or just asking random girls out at coffee shops. I must have had about 40-50 dates in that timespan with little to no luck. Whether the girl was beautiful or not the emotional connection was always lacking. I had two criteria for dating: solid emotional connection and very physically attractive. I am self-conscious about the latter because I feel shallow, but I have accepted that it’s important to me.

 

Then I met Jen. We talked to quite a few times on the phone before we met up in person. Even on the phone I knew that I was attracted to this girl just by how conversation flowed. I felt the emotional connection that had been lacking in all of my other dates. The first date with Jen was great, but stupid little things kept bothering me about her physical appearance. It was like an episode of Seinfeld where a girl not putting the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste is a deal breaker. Jen had two moles on her face that bothered me for some reason, and she was a little bit heavier than her online profile portrayed. I was weighing the option of whether to keep dating her or not with my friends. All my friends said that both of those were stupid reasons to not date someone. Especially since aside from those two things she’s a beautiful girl with an amazing personality. Another concern of mine was that one of my friends said that I was more attractive than her and that I could do better physically.

 

I decided to push through this whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Jen and I developed an extremely honest and loving relationship. Several months into our relationship I brought up the issue of the moles and her weight. Since we had such an honest relationship she said that she would work on both of these things because she loves me. She had one of the moles removed and she has lost a ton of weight since. This has improved how physically attracted I am to her, which is wonderful. She is still working on losing weight, but she has done incredible so far.

 

Now I am running into the "grass is greener" problem. All of my friends are single and these stupid reasons for not dating Jen continue to surface. Now the other mole (the one she didn’t have removed) bothers me, and I still worry that I am dating someone less attractive than me. Sometimes I am physically attracted to Jen, but sometimes I am not. Other than these stupid reasons she still continues to have amazing qualities. She is incredibly loyal, very pretty depending on who you talk to, has very motherly traits, loves me an incredible amount, and she has an awesome upbringing. From an outsiders perspective I look crazy for considering not dating her. She is the perfect girl and I am solely worried about how she looks. I know that is terrible, but I can’t help it.

 

My main concern is that I will continue to always find something wrong with any girl I date. Also, I know that what is important to me now probably won’t be important to me when I am 30. I know that the traits Jen has are 100% what someone is looking for in a partner to settle down with. I don’t want to give this up and then never find someone with these great traits again.

 

It would be awesome to get an outsiders opinion on the matter. Should I stay with Jen and continue to work at our relationship, or should I try to find someone who I feel is more attractive but may not have all the same qualities?

 

 

WOW! I never knew a guy could be this freaking shallow! I would hate u so much if I knew u felt this way about me and strung me along. GTFO!

[Musing]

Lol oh man, I've just met the antithesis of myself.

I love imperfections, I actively celebrate them.

Shaving off the sides of my hair, ink in my skin and holes in my face.

And! I have a beauty mark on my chest. I love it - to me, it's sexy, I'd never get rid of it.

 

There is a very raw and authentic beauty in imperfections that I wish people would admire more. Go into a city...and look at the drawings and etches of graffiti on the walls. They tell a story. Or the cracks in the sidewalk that show the many people that have walked the path before you.

 

It's the same with people. Those nasty little "imperfections" are what make people unique and give them an edge that someone else may not have. That mole she removed to appease you could have been very sexy to someone else, and like someone on this thread already mentioned - it is a part of who she is.

 

Imagine you found the perfect 10. Your "soulmate"

Now what if she brought out your imperfections, and said: "You know what Buriel, you're a sweet guy but I can find hotter. But maybe if you change xyz, I'll keep you around" Ouch!

 

If you have respect for this girl as a human you'll be kind and turn her loose before she invests more in you. And for the sake of any of your future endeavors, I'd stop being so uptight over something that isn't your friends' business to begin with.

 

If YOU find someone hot, awesome! Attraction is a huge deal to me too! But you shouldn't need their permission or blessing when it comes to that. Be a man and defend your girlfriend or let her be with someone else.

Edited February 4, 2014 by Musing

[reddragon588]

At the end of the day, physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. In my opinion, it shouldn't be the main thing holding you to your partner, but it is what it is for you I guess. If you can't get over this, don't lead her on.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Christ can you get any more trivial. My ex had a pretty big mole right on her forehead, she was overweight but it didn't matter - I loved her for who she was. I'm not a bad looking guy myself, 6'4", black hair, green eyes but I don't need to match up with someone just for the sake of looks.

 

There were many girls more physically attractive than my ex but I was attracted to my ex in a different way. Now I'm single I'm becoming more attracted to women but with my ex I wasn't interested and I think that's because I loved her for who she is and nobody else was like her. That's why I was so sad when she decided to change for the worst - thought I'd never find anyone like her.

 

It sounds like your attraction to this girl is hollow, she'll never reach your high needs. That's attraction with no interest on a deeper level than physical.

 

I used to kiss my exs mole because it was part of her, she hated it but she knew it didn't matter to me and that made her happier, that made me happy too. She just pulled me in like a magnet. Now she has a **** personality though and repels me.

 

If you truly loved this women you would look right past an insignificant mole. As if you made her remove it! I would feel soo ****ty doing that. My ex never pointed out my flaws, not once! That is real attraction, when little things don't matter.