mysterymissgreeneyes Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, So I was in a serious relationship with a guy for about two years... We ended up moving to France together for some time. But I ended the relationship because of a lack of communication (on his part really) and lying about porn, which made me feel insecure. The insecurity spiraled and I decided that I wanted to be single again to regrow my self-esteem, which I definitely have over the past six months. I don't think that porn itself is the problem, but it hurt that when I'd ask my guy about it, or offer to try watching together, he would lie and tell me he never needed it and that he'd given it up when we'd gotten together, yet I'd always find it on his computer (we shared everything while living in france, so I'm surprised he didn't take enough care to hide the naked picture folders on his dashboard). Eventually he fessed up at the end, when I said I already knew 100% that he was hiding a lot of naked pics from me, and we split. Fast forward about six months... I look completely different; I've changed my long blonde hair to a super unique dark, short look. I love it, and feel confident. I've become more involved in gender-equality activism, have made lots of new friends in the past few months, and even moved into an awesome house with three of them. My ex and I have mutual friends and end up at some of the same events. He still makes an effort to be really sweet to me, and even becomes a bit touchy after some drinks. I was weary about giving us another shot -- I have trust issues because of a very complicated and betraying family -- but it just felt natural to start going out just us two again. And he is the only guy that my mother has been a HUGE fan of--so much so that she took his side when I broke up with him, and told me that I should stop eating bread and drinking beer to feel less insecure about myself (yep, she's kind of horrible sometimes). He is obviously trying to seem/has "cleaned-up", as he tells me he hasn't gone out drinking since we broke up, he has been grieving about it, he could never pursue one-night-stands, he has been super serious about his studies and trying to stay busy to distract himself, etc. He says he still loves me and wants to be there for me. So we spent the night together. I honestly can't even believe how sweet he was being; at one point he asked if he could ask me a question, and I thought he was about to ask if I'd been with anyone else, but instead he asked, "Do you feel beautiful?" He kept telling me I was beautiful (so sweet, but perhaps a bit overkill. I was appreciative anyhow). He said he wanted to have sex, but that we shouldn't that night (b/c he wanted to be respectful and prove that it wasn't his priority). I wanted to too though, and we did the next morning. He made breakfast, we took it slow, lounged about, and he brought me home in the afternoon and gave me a great big hug. But I felt confused about what this meant, and whether I want to seriously get back together. In a moment of stupidity and weakness I logged into his facebook to snoop... He had friended, followed, & messaged a super pretty girl an hour after dropping me off, saying how excited he was about their class's field trip coming up and how they should study together sometime. He also looked through/liked a bunch of her pictures. I know this isn't a huge deal, but I feel strange that it had to be this beautiful girl he barely knows when he has lots of other girl/guy friends going on the trip that he could have initiated a message with. And why immediately after he spent the night with the girl he supposedly still loves? Also, she looks like me before I cut and died my long, blonde hair (his preference)... I just wish I didn't feel this way, that I need to snoop to make sure I can trust people. But is he giving me good reason to question his intentions? Ug. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Edited February 3, 2014 by mysterymissgreeneyes
just bird Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I'm not sure I'm best placed to offer relationship advice when going through my own relationship issues... but people have been so lovely to me, and I want to give back some of that kindness. My advice would be to trust your instincts, follow your heart but don't ignore your head. If he has lied to you once, with the intention to keep you, then surely he can lie again to get you back? Surely, it will take a lot for you to trust him again? I think you have trust issues with this man for a good reason. Your mum doesn't sound like she offered the most supportive advice! But she may just want to see you settled with someone, in an obscure way of wanting to see you happy, and she was obviously seduced by his social skills. It sounds like he is an expert in seducing people, making them feel good, making them like him. It's actually quite a controlling behaviour. I'd watch out for that. See what other's say, but I am wary of him (on your behalf). You sound like a beautiful, confident woman who is popular and 'on track'. Men are very attracted by this, especially ex boyfriends who wish to soak up some of that limelight! Please be careful, you deserve an amazing man who supports your brilliance, not one who leans on it. Xx
Mr Scorpio Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I just wish I didn't feel this way, that I need to snoop to make sure I can trust people. But is he giving me good reason to question his intentions? I think you have good reason to question his intentions regardless of whether or not he "gave them to you". In your mind it seems that you rekindled a relationship with your ex, but you're worried that in his mind he did no such thing. But I don't think his intentions are the biggest issue. What are your intentions? You said you dumped him because you wanted to rebuild your confidence. Were you confident before you dated him, or did he "cost" you your confidence? Have you dated other men since breaking up with him? Do you know that you want to be with him, or is it a matter of comfort? Do you believe that he has "reformed"? If you find porn on his computer again are you going to be back to square one?
Omei Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) You have a problem Girl perspective here.... Any relationship with anyone man or woman people watch porn why would you request someone to stop having private sexual fantasy's within a relationship? Good luck with that just because he watches porn didn't mean he loved you any less that's your own insecurity and im surprised be even tried to do it for you most people would just tell you you're being unreasonable. He is sweet and caring for you what more do you want? Also you left you gave him the open window to seek out new friends be it female or male, again because it's a girl you're insecure even tho it sounds like he's trying his best to convince you not to be. And you snoop his Facebook and come up with wild ideas about a girl and his class trip...him talking to her about an excitement of a trip is not unreasonable. Who is the real person being untrust worthy? You said you left him to work on your confidence but what exactly did you work on? You're still just as insecure. If I was a guy who had to constantly deal with a girl like that I would lie about my porn too first you can't make people stop wanting to have fantasy's and id lie sometimes to avoid a conflict. He must feel like he's walking on eggshells. You're going to push him away he will grow weary of it one day and you just might push him into the arms of a confident woman. Edited February 4, 2014 by Omei
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