sleeplessinslc Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 What do you call a girl who keeps getting back with a guy who has dumped her many times? Or actually , the real question is WHY. Why would a girl do that to herself? If it didn't work the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time- how in the world would it work the next times? This isn't me. I've been a dumpee a few times and I NEVER, ever negotiate and I'm strict with NC. Some call it pride, but I call it self preservation. But I'm just trying to understand why someone would keep getting back with someone who's broken her heart many many times. Is this true love? Low self esteem? Zero self respect? Desperation? Guy just has super powers? I mean I would if he were Ryan Gosling.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I'm guilty of this. Although now it's been since December since we broke up and it's finally the last time because I made that decision. 3 years, off and on. His excuse, commitment issues. My excuse, comfort and familiarity. I went on lexapro (anti-depressant) and klonopin (for anxiety) and it somehow changed my brain chemistry. And it's played a huge role in me accepting the breakup and moving on. I believe a lot of it was rejection for me. How could he not love me after 3 years?! Why did he keep coming back, it had to mean he was the one!? If he really didn't want me, it would have been over by now?! It was push and pull, back and forth, it was awful. It was an obsession, an addiction, like drugs and alcohol, but this was love addiction. It was accepting the love we think we deserve. Settling. It was Madness. A lot of girls go through it till one day something clicks. It happens on it's own with no countdown available. It just happens. And then you realize how dumb and naive you were and will never make that mistake again! 3
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I'm guilty of this. Although now it's been since December since we broke up and it's finally the last time because I made that decision. 3 years, off and on. His excuse, commitment issues. My excuse, comfort and familiarity. I went on lexapro (anti-depressant) and klonopin (for anxiety) and it somehow changed my brain chemistry. And it's played a huge role in me accepting the breakup and moving on. I believe a lot of it was rejection for me. How could he not love me after 3 years?! Why did he keep coming back, it had to mean he was the one!? If he really didn't want me, it would have been over by now?! It was push and pull, back and forth, it was awful. It was an obsession, an addiction, like drugs and alcohol, but this was love addiction. It was accepting the love we think we deserve. Settling. It was Madness. A lot of girls go through it till one day something clicks. It happens on it's own with no countdown available. It just happens. And then you realize how dumb and naive you were and will never make that mistake again! Wow. That's serious. Sounds like the ex of my ex. (Now current AGAIN). No one deserves that kind of crippling love (if it's even love). Indeed, it is called settling. The anxiety we often feel in a new relationship - we mistake for love- here's an awesome comment I pulled off somewhere: I truly think these feelings, more often than not, are created by our lack of security in that person. We're not quite sure about their feelings or intentions for us, so we're anxious and to some degree insecure about the relationship. We can't predict what's going to happen or where the relationship is heading. Mostly, it's ANXIETY, not love, that brings out these butterfly in the stomach sensations. I don't discount the love that you did have in your relationship but when someone rejects you and then comes back - and does that all over again- it's called indecision on his part. No one deserves someone who's not sure about you.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Wow. That's serious. Sounds like the ex of my ex. (Now current AGAIN). No one deserves that kind of crippling love (if it's even love). Indeed, it is called settling. The anxiety we often feel in a new relationship - we mistake for love- here's an awesome comment I pulled off somewhere: I truly think these feelings, more often than not, are created by our lack of security in that person. We're not quite sure about their feelings or intentions for us, so we're anxious and to some degree insecure about the relationship. We can't predict what's going to happen or where the relationship is heading. Mostly, it's ANXIETY, not love, that brings out these butterfly in the stomach sensations. I don't discount the love that you did have in your relationship but when someone rejects you and then comes back - and does that all over again- it's called indecision on his part. No one deserves someone who's not sure about you. I was sure it was LOVE. Now, as time passes, I question if it really was at all. I'm starting to notice all the things I didn't want to believe back then. And most of all, I'm starting to KNOW that I deserve so much more than he can offer and in the end, it wasn't me that wasn't "the one" for him, it was HIM that wasn't the one FOR ME. “You can have a pet zebra and put that zebra into a small cage every day and tell the zebra that you love it, but no matter how you and the zebra love each other, the fact remains, that the zebra should be let out of that cage and should belong to someone who can treat it better, the way it should be treated, someone who can make it happy.” 2
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I was sure it was LOVE. Now, as time passes, I question if it really was at all. I'm starting to notice all the things I didn't want to believe back then. And most of all, I'm starting to KNOW that I deserve so much more than he can offer and in the end, it wasn't me that wasn't "the one" for him, it was HIM that wasn't the one FOR ME. “You can have a pet zebra and put that zebra into a small cage every day and tell the zebra that you love it, but no matter how you and the zebra love each other, the fact remains, that the zebra should be let out of that cage and should belong to someone who can treat it better, the way it should be treated, someone who can make it happy.” That's exactly how I feel right after we split- that HE wasn't the one for me. I just have these moments I backslide and feel that it IS my loss rather than his. But thankfully, I never did act on those feelings and initiated contact. I had an ex who dumped me tried to get back- but I basically shut him off and it felt empowering.
Mariposa10 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Did you mean, "what do you call a PERSON who..." Girls are not the only ones who act like this
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Did you mean, "what do you call a PERSON who..." Girls are not the only ones who act like this haha. Good point. But I had a particular girl in mind. But yes- the on again- off again relationships that go on for years. WHY?
Mariposa10 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I was on and off with my ex for many years. We just couldn't fix our problems. Different lifestyles, but we loved each other deeply. haha. Good point. But I had a particular girl in mind. But yes- the on again- off again relationships that go on for years. WHY?
crederer Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Variety of reasons. Could be fear of being alone, abandonment issues, etc.
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Variety of reasons. Could be fear of being alone, abandonment issues, etc. Abandonment issues! Makes sense. I know a guy who just can't let go of a dysfunctional relationship. He denies it- but I suppose it had something to do with his dad leaving his mom when he was younger. Well, it's not always a - ahhh, your childhood -- thing that explains everything , but I'm sure it had some effect on him.
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 A variation of Stockholm syndrome. haha! I read somewhere that having your ex ask you to stay friends with you is like having your kidnappers tell you to keep in touch! 1
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I was on and off with my ex for many years. We just couldn't fix our problems. Different lifestyles, but we loved each other deeply. Sometimes, love just ain't enough. Always a song for everything.
EasyHeart Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 What do you call a girl who keeps getting back with a guy who has dumped her many times? Or actually , the real question is WHY. Why would a girl do that to herself? We call them "backsliders". The reason is usually that the familiar is more comfortable than the new. People who are afraid to take risks would rather be unhappy with what they know than take a chance in doing something new. In the background, there's usually some fantasizing that "this time it will be different" or "I can change the other person". 2
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) We call them "backsliders". The reason is usually that the familiar is more comfortable than the new. People who are afraid to take risks would rather be unhappy with what they know than take a chance in doing something new. In the background, there's usually some fantasizing that "this time it will be different" or "I can change the other person". SPOT ON! True- it IS a fantasy to think that "this time" will be different and that the other person will change. As the other poster says , they're settling with the love they think they deserve when in fact they deserve so much more. Man, I feel like I'm talking about myself. Me and one guy just didn't work out the first time. But the thing is - circumstances are different now- I'm emotionally available! I wasn't the first time. Thanks for your reply. It holds a lot of truth to it. Edited February 5, 2014 by sleeplessinslc Clarity, Grammar
BC1980 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 You keep thinking a person will change. My ex and I were together for 3 years, and I kept thinking he would want me as much as I loved him. I do think he loved me, but I was never sure he was always ecstatic about being with me. At times, I got the feeling he was there out of habit or because he felt he couldn't find better. One of my friends was with a guy for 6 years, and she was the one who kept breaking it off and going back. She said she just got lonely and really did love him. But their issues would always come back after a few months together. When she finally broke it off for good, she ended up meeting a guy and getting engaged within a year. They have been married for 12 years, and she said it's so much better. She never had doubts like before. I think another issue is time investment. I hated to think that I wasted all that time and energy on this guy, but the reality is that you keep wasting more and more the longer it drags on.
iris219 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 For me, it was lack of options. We would break up for up to a year and I wouldn't even date (never met anyone). I would start to get nervous that I'd never meet anyone, never have a family, and he'd start to look like an attractive option since I had no options. I didn't love him or even particularly like him at this point. If I had been meeting single men and felt less hopeless about my future, I never would have considered trying to make it work with my ex. I guess you can call me stupid.
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 You keep thinking a person will change. My ex and I were together for 3 years, and I kept thinking he would want me as much as I loved him. I do think he loved me, but I was never sure he was always ecstatic about being with me. At times, I got the feeling he was there out of habit or because he felt he couldn't find better. One of my friends was with a guy for 6 years, and she was the one who kept breaking it off and going back. She said she just got lonely and really did love him. But their issues would always come back after a few months together. When she finally broke it off for good, she ended up meeting a guy and getting engaged within a year. They have been married for 12 years, and she said it's so much better. She never had doubts like before. I think another issue is time investment. I hated to think that I wasted all that time and energy on this guy, but the reality is that you keep wasting more and more the longer it drags on. This guy I know - says he can't see a future with the ex yet comes back to her. Says it's "magnetic attraction" that keeps him coming back and that he loves her. But how can you stay with someone you can't imagine a future with? I guess he just deliberately wants to waste his time on something familiar and convenient than use up more energy to build up a new , but uncertain future.
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 For me, it was lack of options. We would break up for up to a year and I wouldn't even date (never met anyone). I would start to get nervous that I'd never meet anyone, never have a family, and he'd start to look like an attractive option since I had no options. I didn't love him or even particularly like him at this point. If I had been meeting single men and felt less hopeless about my future, I never would have considered trying to make it work with my ex. I guess you can call me stupid. Sounds like you settled. It's not stupid as it is having low self esteem, perhaps? But that's where the dilemma sets in you have REALITY vs IDEAL. You want options- but there just isn't any - so you go for Mr Good Enough rather than Mr. Have it All/ Mr Right. Some people would remain single than compromise. And I don't know a lot of people who'd want to stay single the rest of their earthly lives.
No Limit Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I'd say low self-esteem. I remember my buddies hanging out when a guy we knew came up to have a short chat with us. When his girlfriend came along (apparently finally catching up to him after being left at some point during their walk, or at least that's what it looked like), the guy mentioned "You should see how ugly my girlfriend is without makeup on!" and I kid you not, she just stood there next to him, not reacting at all. Me and the other girls of our group looked in shock, and I looked at the girl but she avoided eye contact. I have no idea why anyone would even stand next to someone as disgusting and childish as he is.
fujidabruin Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 What do you call a girl who keeps getting back with a guy who has dumped her many times? Or actually , the real question is WHY. Why would a girl do that to herself? If it didn't work the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time- how in the world would it work the next times? This isn't me. I've been a dumpee a few times and I NEVER, ever negotiate and I'm strict with NC. Some call it pride, but I call it self preservation. But I'm just trying to understand why someone would keep getting back with someone who's broken her heart many many times. Is this true love? Low self esteem? Zero self respect? Desperation? Guy just has super powers? I mean I would if he were Ryan Gosling. I think what happens in some cases is the person gets their attachment confused with love. This could be the case whether a person is the dumpee or the dumper. After initial breakup, they get insecure about giving up the emotional attachment but rationalize it by thinking they are losing "the love of their life"..... so they keep running back or taking back with the thought that things can work out. This is why full on NC is important soon after post-breakup. After the person has a chance to step back and free themselves from the attachment things can become much clearer. 1
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 I think what happens in some cases is the person gets their attachment confused with love. This could be the case whether a person is the dumpee or the dumper. How do you check if it's merely attachment vs love? I know a lot of people who seem so sure and confident that what they feel is love. After initial breakup, they get insecure about giving up the emotional attachment but rationalize it by thinking they are losing "the love of their life"..... so they keep running back or taking back with the thought that things can work out. This is why full on NC is important soon after post-breakup. After the person has a chance to step back and free themselves from the attachment things can become much clearer. And that is so true. I find that those who never go on complete NC always ALWAYS backslide! And they get caught up in the vicious cycle over and over again until they realize they've wasted so much of their time.
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 I'd say low self-esteem. I remember my buddies hanging out when a guy we knew came up to have a short chat with us. When his girlfriend came along (apparently finally catching up to him after being left at some point during their walk, or at least that's what it looked like), the guy mentioned "You should see how ugly my girlfriend is without makeup on!" and I kid you not, she just stood there next to him, not reacting at all. Me and the other girls of our group looked in shock, and I looked at the girl but she avoided eye contact. I have no idea why anyone would even stand next to someone as disgusting and childish as he is. That's horrible. Why would anyone want to stay in that kind of emotionally abusive relationship? She wasn't deaf, was she? But yes, I would think low self esteem would only be the reason why one would allow him/herself to be treated that way.
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