should I tell my 12 year old about OM SEEDY past?

[pteromom]

Thats exactly what I intend to do, if I did tell him it would just cause even more problems for me anyway. It's torn our family apart, my extended family and my wife's family too. So I don't want any more strain, she'll not be with me for much longer, given the recent developments anyway. Good riddance, I say.

 

Sounds like it. You will be OK. Focus on being a good dad right now. Your son needs the stability.

 

If you can afford it, take him for a weekend somewhere fun, to just get away and relax together.

[Fredflintstone]

What sort of arrangement do you have with your wife re: your son since you've split up? The above is pretty incomprehensible.

 

She said I can see him whenever I want but I'll not go to OM house if she moves there. It may seem incomprehensable but it happened, totally outrageous. I think she did it with a view to move in with him, warming him up to the idea of this OM before she did it. But I discovered what was going on and it stopped there.

[whichwayisup]

No he isn't as far as I know. But anyway it was purely theoretical question based onward thought I had. I have found messages my wife sent to my son about how much I was making her "sad". She was having the affair at the time and even took my son to sleep there. They bonded and my son helped my wife keep it a secret from me. It's very infuriating.

 

Your son should be made aware that the above was TOTALLY wrong and inappropriate of his mom and her new bf aka the OM to do to him. They put him in a horrible spot! Shame on them.

 

your son is smart and one day he'll see the OM for who he is. As he gets older he'll sniff out the bullcrap and if the OM is real or not.

[whichwayisup]

She said I can see him whenever I want but I'll not go to OM house if she moves there. It may seem incomprehensable but it happened, totally outrageous. I think she did it with a view to move in with him, warming him up to the idea of this OM before she did it. But I discovered what was going on and it stopped there.

 

No you go, just don't go inside. You can't avoid pick up or drop off's because of the OM. Don't give HIM that power. Be the better parent, suck it up as much as you can around them, don't ever show how you truly feel inside around your ex and OM.

[road]

Thats exactly what I intend to do, if I did tell him it would just cause even more problems for me anyway. It's torn our family apart, my extended family and my wife's family too. So I don't want any more strain, she'll not be with me for much longer, given the recent developments anyway. Good riddance, I say.

 

 

 

So is it better to let the OM have your son think he is such a great guy.

 

 

You think it is better for your son to be lied to.

 

 

You think it is better for your son to accept the man that broke his family apart.

 

 

Well let me set you straight that is not thinking it is enabling bad behavior.

 

 

Tell your son that mom left the family because she was having an affair is telling the truth. It is not giving any bad details.

[road]

No you go, just don't go inside. You can't avoid pick up or drop off's because of the OM. Don't give HIM that power. Be the better parent, suck it up as much as you can around them, don't ever show how you truly feel inside around your ex and OM.

 

 

 

No he needs NC with his WW and OM. Child exchanges are to be done at a neutral place. Say one of the grandparents house. WW drops off child, leaves, BH shows up takes kid. Reverse when BH returns the kid.

[peaksandvalleys]

I am contemplating telling youngest son about OM seedy past and it's bad. If it comes to it and she decides to go live with him does my son have a right to know who he's living with or am I just being vindictive?

 

 

No, unless your child is in danger. And if that is the case, fight for custody of your child.

[peruano99]

I am contemplating telling youngest son about OM seedy past and it's bad. If it comes to it and she decides to go live with him does my son have a right to know who he's living with or am I just being vindictive?

 

 

 

Wait what happened, did she live you for the guy?

[In Like Flynn]

Problem is your STBXW is already conditioning the boy to the OM...so I don't see a problem letting the 12yr old know what the OM is all about etc. I may be in the minority but he is being exposed to that piece of ****!!!

[miguelcervantes]

I am trying to understand what actually happened. My understanding is:

 

• You have been married for some time with two sons. Marriage wasn't great for a while.
  
• Your wife meets an ex co-worker online, chats, develops feelings, meets up, has sex, because she feels you didn't love her. Continues this for a year?
  
• He is someone who looks like a pit bull who got hit by a mallet while chewing a wasp. Yet he was (is ?) also a successful male escort preying on women online. He is no deadbeat (successful ?) but is a douchebag.
  
• You discover the affair and leave. She pursues you and brings you back jealous you may be seeing someone else.
  
• You go through attempted R. She loves you more than him. But it is strained.
  
• Your eldest son hates him and blames him for pursuing your wife (his mum).
  
• She realises she is still in love with him (not as much as with you), is worn down and wants to now end the marriage. She may move in with him?
  
• During her affair she took your (younger ?) son there to stay over/sleep and put him in between you and her explaining her sadness and why she was cheating (how twisted?). Also got him to be secretive about it and not tell you!!!
  
• You are wondering whether to tell him that this POS was a prostitute. People are advising you not to disparage her with her kids ?!?
  
• You are now resigned to leaving and she has (?) decided to move in with him and you are trying to see how kids can be exchanged during hangovers without running into him? (eldest son too?)
  

 

Please tell me if I got it right. This is pretty nasty of her if true.

[Fredflintstone]

I am trying to understand what actually happened. My understanding is:

 

• You have been married for some time with two sons. Marriage wasn't great for a while.
  
• Your wife meets an ex co-worker online, chats, develops feelings, meets up, has sex, because she feels you didn't love her. Continues this for a year?
  
• He is someone who looks like a pit bull who got hit by a mallet while chewing a wasp. Yet he was (is ?) also a successful male escort preying on women online. He is no deadbeat (successful ?) but is a douchebag.
  
• You discover the affair and leave. She pursues you and brings you back jealous you may be seeing someone else.
  
• You go through attempted R. She loves you more than him. But it is strained.
  
• Your eldest son hates him and blames him for pursuing your wife (his mum).
  
• She realises she is still in love with him (not as much as with you), is worn down and wants to now end the marriage. She may move in with him?
  
• During her affair she took your (younger ?) son there to stay over/sleep and put him in between you and her explaining her sadness and why she was cheating (how twisted?). Also got him to be secretive about it and not tell you!!!
  
• You are wondering whether to tell him that this POS was a prostitute. People are advising you not to disparage her with her kids ?!?
  
• You are now resigned to leaving and she has (?) decided to move in with him and you are trying to see how kids can be exchanged during hangovers without running into him? (eldest son too?)
  

 

Please tell me if I got it right. This is pretty nasty of her if true.

 

Yes, pretty much. My wife had a massive row last night with my eldest, he hates what has happened and seems to want nothing more to do with her. She blames me for his hatred saying I poisoned his mind against her. My wife has been around his house to see him. I told her that because of this there can be no more us even thought she'd already called it off. However Now I have completely given up. She says although she has been saying she will go see him for a week or more she wasn't actually going to do it but I forced her hand ( bullsh*t). She told me she was going to see him. I said make sure you tell our eldest son as he always feels like he's the last to know, which causes rows from him, or I would. Last night my son exploded and my wife got the brunt of it. She said that after that there is no way we will recover and is moving out and will never see me again. As a result of all of this I am alienated from my family, arguments have wrecked my wife's family and our own immediate family has been split in two. I'm not popular with her family at all, I only have my oldest son and girlfriend left as a result of all this. I feel like going away where no one will ever find me to start a new life. The ride since dday has been truly devastating, watching three families slowly pick eachother apart, unbelievable.

[miguelcervantes]

What about your younger son? Is he with his mum ? Why can't he see what your older son sees ?

 

It is clear that your wife is lusting for this POS (yes lust, not love) - there is not much there to love.

 

Are you happy with your gf ? If you have a gf, how did you expect R to work out?

 

And the answer to the thread title question is YES - ABSOLUTELY - IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS! Tell him exactly what you have told us.

Edited February 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[janedoe67]

And be sure to have some pictures and video to go with it. In fact, if you know any of the details of what your WW and this guy did, be sure to tell all of those to your adolescent son as well. because, ya know, he needs to know every minute detail of what his mother has done...otherwise, ya know, how will he grow to hate her? because isn't that the goal anyway? I mean once we cheat, it is only right that our children should hate us.

[peruano99]

I found out my dad cheated and physically abused my mom when I was 10 and I didn't hate him. I don't love him like I used to before that though.

[tiredofitall2]

He has been a male escort, charging women for sex, trauling internet sex sites for women of which he's had more than his fill. So he's good at getting what he wants through the internet which is exactly how he ended up seducing my wife over a period of time.

 

 

Wow, a classy guy.... Your W if in for a rude awakening if she actually ends up with the OM.

 

This will head nowhere fast!

[peruano99]

Wait so your wife went back to the guy after she said she didn't want to be with him anymore and got mad with you because her oldest son told her the truth? She has the nerve to say she won't get back together with you, after GETTING back with the OM again? wow.............

 

 

Fred please tell me her reasoning of going back to the OM? I thought she said she will not go back with him?

Edited February 7, 2014 by peruano99

[goodyblue]

I understand you trying to protect your child. I just think... maybe it's not a good idea to give him so much info. If I were you, I'd let things unfold and give him info as needed.

 

I'm really sorry for your situation. I know I was OW, I know I don't have any right to really say that, but I really just feel terrible for you. I'm sorry.

[peruano99]

How old is your STBXW Fred?

 

Because if she said she would not go back with the OM, but she went back to the OM, and then blamed YOU for her older son getting mad at her, she is acting like a teenager.

[PoopHappens]

If the guy is a male prostitute as you say, then, in my opinion, you have some hard choices to make. I tend to agree with those that say you should leave your kids out of the mess as much as possible, but that in itself is wishful thinking. How do parents get divorced and leave their kids out of it? Ridiculous! People see what they want to see for the most part. Yes there are many honest people out there, even those who have done dishonest things, but again, I think this is a small percentage of people. I'm not saying everyone is bad, I'm just saying it's hard to walk in everyone's shoes, and truly understand them. Back to the prostitute. I'd fight this one tooth and nail. There is no way I'd want someone like that as a potential roll model from my kid. I don't know exactly what tactics I'd use but I wouldn't sit around and watch things happen. Bugger that. Think before acting, but I wouldn't take the advice of being a passive spectator.

[miguelcervantes]

And the answer to the thread title question is YES - ABSOLUTELY - IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS! Tell him exactly what you have told us.

 

Just to be clear (for the benefit of some here), you do understand that your question was whether you should tell your son about the OM being an escort, not about what your wife has done! You really don't want your son showing respect to this fine sample of "manhood" where none is due.

 

And it's not a question of putting your wife (his mother, I get it) down. She has demonstrated her own lack of boundaries & morals already (your elder son sees it - still not sure why your younger son doesn't and how is it that the two boys don't talk to each other). It is more of a question of "Son, I want you to be careful around this fellow. He is not like us in that he used to .... for a living and has a strange set of morals."

[janedoe67]

Again...is he still an escort? Because if he is not, then it is really NOT relevant to the son unless he still is or it was a feature of the A.

[PoopHappens]

Again...is he still an escort? Because if he is not, then it is really NOT relevant to the son unless he still is or it was a feature of the A.

 

Let's turn this around: a man, thorough an affair leaves his wife and takes on a woman who will now, through the new relationship, help to raise your 12 year old daughter. She, the new woman, was at one time a working prostitute. And you say to bury away this information as irrelevant?

[janedoe67]

Let's turn this around: a man, thorough an affair leaves his wife and takes on a woman who will now, through the new relationship, help to raise your 12 year old daughter. She, the new woman, was at one time a working prostitute. And you say to bury away this information as irrelevant?

 

I would express concern to my ex. I might see what legal recourse I had. I wouldn't pull my daughter aside and say "guess what Mommy knws? Your daddy's girlfriend was a hooker!"

[miguelcervantes]

So lets see - you know that your ex is not making the best of judgements here. You know that the AP is a douchebag. You know that his morals and modus operandum is questionable at best. You know that you have a young son who has already been used by your ex against you. You need to protect your kid. And all you will do is express concern to your ex (who is clearly in no position to have a normal discussion) and you will wait around for "legal recourse" to help you help your kid. Well maybe you would, but many would not. Not in the real world. This is not a question of your mother has a new boyfriend/love of her life/whatever - it is more a question of here is a dangerous and highly questionable man - I want you to stay as far away from him as possible while I have a word with my ex, see what legal recourse I have etc etc.

[ThatMan]

Fred,

I believe that many people are looking at this through the lens of whether or not it's wrong for a child to learn explicit details of an affair. Instead, my own perspective is that it's important for any child to learn on their own to rise above the occasion, say no to these very histrionic/promiscuous behaviors of the male escort, and eventually grow up to be well-rounded adults. So what I think would be a good idea to take a moment to think about the underlying reasons behind telling your son about the OM. What would be important to me personally in this situation is that the son grows up learning that this behavior, especially being an escort, is wrong. I think that your motivation for discussing the topic itself is very important. Any time that a child is in a position to be forced into choose sides and be pitted against different family members - is a very stressful ordeal for the child.

 

Depending on how badly you would like to remain in your child's life, I think there are some options out there to think of. You could move someplace else about forty minutes away to regain a sense of composure or comfort. Your ex-wife can drop off your son to see you in a public place or your own address. You can also severely limit or possibly end all contact with your ex wife's family as well.

 

But I also think that a highly experienced family counselors is a great idea, if only for yourself. For the best interest of the child, it's important to learn how to engage him in this dialog about the affair. I've learned from experience that it's okay to be angry with a spouse. But that spouse still has a relationship with a child, and it isn't okay to bring so much stress and discomfort into a child's life by speaking ill of his mother. Instead, I've learned that it's okay to tell the complete truth in a mature and respectful manner, "I know that you love your mom, but there's something I want to talk about. I love you and I only want the best for you which is why I want to talk about prostitution with you..." It's up to you to decide when your son is ready for a conversation like that. And I really think that the input with a family counselor will help you learn to interact with your son in a health way, allowing.

Edited February 8, 2014 by ThatMan