Fredflintstone Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I am contemplating telling youngest son about OM seedy past and it's bad. If it comes to it and she decides to go live with him does my son have a right to know who he's living with or am I just being vindictive?
Sub Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I wouldn't tell him, at least not the details. But I'd fight tooth and nail to ensure your son doesn't live with the guy if your W decides to move in with him. What kind of seedy past are we talking about?
Author Fredflintstone Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Its a purely theoretical question, my head running away with me but I wonder what others think about this.
Author Fredflintstone Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I wouldn't tell him, at least not the details. But I'd fight tooth and nail to ensure your son doesn't live with the guy if your W decides to move in with him. What kind of seedy past are we talking about? He has been a male escort, charging women for sex, trauling internet sex sites for women of which he's had more than his fill. So he's good at getting what he wants through the internet which is exactly how he ended up seducing my wife over a period of time.
cozycottagelg Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 No, you shouldn't. If he had a history of crime or violence, your son shouldn't be there. Being a whore isn't a crime and unless you feel your son is in danger, I don't think it's your place to tell. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Doing anything of the kind puts him in an invidious position, and frankly uses him as a pawn against his mother. It's an unwise and ill-conceived an idea to even think about putting into practice. 5
Grumpybutfun Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 How does his past have anything to do with your child? You are to protect your child from knowing this sort of thing, not expose it and make him choose sides because you are hurt and angry. Your children do not need to know anything about your wife's affair or any details of her lovers. If you feel like they are in danger take your ex back to court. Your children need to feel safe and stable right now, not in he middle of your drama with your ex. They are innocent in all of this. Why you would want to include them is beyond me....let them have their childhood. The fact that you ask this makes me think you need to go to IC to work out your anger and also for them to get IC because you and your ex are probably using them to hurt each other and that is wrong. Grumps 4
carhill Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 If the man has an arrest/conviction record, that's definitely something to be aware of and communicate to any young person interacting with him. Everything else not verifiable is unsubstantiated gossip and the primary issue is that children trust adult role models and believe them. The young man is old enough to understand what inappropriate and/or illegal acts are so share evidence of those and discuss them with him in a productive way, mainly to ensure his safety and security. A side benefit is that a more moderate and verifiable approach will sit well with the young man if gossip about yourself is hurled at him by the other side, as it inevitably will be. Kids *can* be perceptive in such matters. Good luck.
Sub Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 No, you shouldn't. If he had a history of crime or violence, your son shouldn't be there. Being a whore isn't a crime and unless you feel your son is in danger, I don't think it's your place to tell. I agree with this. I would just make sure your son gets his relationship advice from you, be really open with him when he starts to date, etc. Given the OM's history and how your W met him, though, I don't think you'll have to worry about it for long. What are the chances that their R lasts, really?
Author Fredflintstone Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Yup I see what you're saying and your right I am angry, the question I posed hasn't happened I'm just putting it out there. It wouldn't be the right thing to do. I actually tried to edit the comment to add that but couldn't. I haven't used my child as a weapon but that thought did cross my mind.
CarrieT Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 A 12-year old does not have the brain or comprehension of adult situations. If you tell your son stories, it will get filtered into a brain that won't fully understand the interpersonal ramifications and conflicts. Let the kid remain a kid; if your Ex is as bad as you say, the child will discover it on their own, in their own way with their own experiences. 5
Author Fredflintstone Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I agree with this. I would just make sure your son gets his relationship advice from you, be really open with him when he starts to date, etc. Given the OM's history and how your W met him, though, I don't think you'll have to worry about it for long. What are the chances that their R lasts, really? They aren't together I'm just doing alot of overthinking. I have been doing that alot, my mind is in overdrive.
carhill Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 If that's the case, meaning 'over-thinking', try journaling. Get the 'stuff' out and read and re-read it and work through it. This kind of stuff is like a snowball. Easy to form and direct at the top of the hill but as it gathers momentum, watch out.
road Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I am contemplating telling youngest son about OM seedy past and it's bad. If it comes to it and she decides to go live with him does my son have a right to know who he's living with or am I just being vindictive? All kids deserve and need the truth. Even 4 yo's can understand when told. That when a mom/dad get married they do not have a BF/GF and go on dates with them. Well mom/dad has a BF/GF and has been going on dates with the OW/OM. What mom is doing is known as having an affair. A clear picture has been painted without calling mom/dad any names or using the words cheating cheater infidelity hoe or that the WS had sex with the AP. Then it is must to inform the child of who the OM/OW is. Also I would tell everyone would be told when exposing an affair to let people know that the OM has a past/present and that WW is exposing your child to this kind of trailer park trash. When an OM is willing to be a felon, drug addict, prostitute, or whatever he should expect to be labeled. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 OP: 'Listen' to the above advice at your peril. Follow it - and regret it for the remainder of your days. 5
imperfectangel Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 this has got to be one of the most selfish things I have ever heard 1
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Your 12 year old probably knows more than you think. If a question comes up I would answer as honestly as possible. Try to avoid giving too many details, but never lie. In the end he will find out everything. Don't be the one to ruin his perspective on the POS other man. Let him come to his own conclusions. If you are seen as the one feeding the dirt, then you will also be seen as the more desperate. Let it go, the karma bus has just started. The ride will be bumpy and long, but you sure will come out smelling likes roses when its all over! 1
miguelcervantes Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I dont understand some of the responses here but I would do whatever I could to ensure that my child does not hang around a prostitute - nothing to do with making his mother look bad. She has already done that by herself. 2
aliveagain Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 The question you should ask is to your wile, "Does she think that it's ok to introduce your son to Other Man knowing his past?" Would it be ok if you met a escort on the internet and introduced her to your son? 1
Author Fredflintstone Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Is he still an escort? No he isn't as far as I know. But anyway it was purely theoretical question based onward thought I had. I have found messages my wife sent to my son about how much I was making her "sad". She was having the affair at the time and even took my son to sleep there. They bonded and my son helped my wife keep it a secret from me. It's very infuriating.
Sub Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She was having the affair at the time and even took my son to sleep there. They bonded and my son helped my wife keep it a secret from me. It's very infuriating. What sort of arrangement do you have with your wife re: your son since you've split up? The above is pretty incomprehensible.
pteromom Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 No he isn't as far as I know. But anyway it was purely theoretical question based onward thought I had. I have found messages my wife sent to my son about how much I was making her "sad". She was having the affair at the time and even took my son to sleep there. They bonded and my son helped my wife keep it a secret from me. It's very infuriating. You can't control what your wife does. The most important thing is to nurture your relationship with your son. And you do that by being kind, understanding, fun, and accepting of him. NOT by tearing his mom down so you are #1 by default. And yes, when you tear OM down, you are tearing his mom down too, since she chose a relationship with him. Never forget that half of your son comes from her. So when you cut her down, you are cutting him down too. Just let it go and focus on that which is within your control. 1
Author Fredflintstone Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 You can't control what your wife does. The most important thing is to nurture your relationship with your son. And you do that by being kind, understanding, fun, and accepting of him. NOT by tearing his mom down so you are #1 by default. And yes, when you tear OM down, you are tearing his mom down too, since she chose a relationship with him. Never forget that half of your son comes from her. So when you cut her down, you are cutting him down too. Just let it go and focus on that which is within your control. Thats exactly what I intend to do, if I did tell him it would just cause even more problems for me anyway. It's torn our family apart, my extended family and my wife's family too. So I don't want any more strain, she'll not be with me for much longer, given the recent developments anyway. Good riddance, I say. 1
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