Treasa Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Interesting. Yea he 'has' to drive home (hour and twenty journey) every 3 weeks to see his mom. She also did everything for him whilst he lived there. This is totally over analysing but I did think about linking the erection dysfunction to a sort of Oedipal explanation. Never being able to form a real relationship as hasn't truly let go of the apron strings? Maybe. But yes, not my problem to solve. RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN. His name isn't Mark, is it?
Author supercallafraj Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Ha ha! No it's not. Ugh I agree but this is so hard. I really like him, despite the politics but obviously I cannot ignore yesterday. But I also blame myself for not setting the appropriate expectations. I've gone along with too much and portrayed myself as a doormat, set the tone.
Author supercallafraj Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 But how? I just don't know how or where to go with this one. He has invited me to a show on Saturday night as his friend and gf are visiting. Any ideas on changing the tone whilst there?
Frank2thepoint Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 But how? I just don't know how or where to go with this one. He has invited me to a show on Saturday night as his friend and gf are visiting. Any ideas on changing the tone whilst there? Be assertive, express that you don't think the relationship is balanced/fair. Tell him you did not appreciate him making you wait, it devalued you. Do not accuse him of being wrong, just mention that you didn't like how you were treated. As for him picking up the tab issue, that's a tough one. Since you recently revealed to us that his mother did everything for him when he lived at home, he probably has these expectations from a woman he dates. By you picking up the check on dates is just reinforcing his spoiled habit. I would recommend not bring it up, just continue communicating during dates as you have done from the advice that you have received (ie: "I'll get this one, you get the next one").
nescafe1982 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 But how? I just don't know how or where to go with this one. He has invited me to a show on Saturday night as his friend and gf are visiting. Any ideas on changing the tone whilst there? The best way to set the proper tone is to stop lowering your expectations. Stop undermining your wants and needs in the interest of making things easy or convenient for him. 1) If he's not on time, leave. If he flakes on plans, make other plans. Once, I had a BF start waffling on a vacation we were planning. I went without him-- and sent him photos. It's not about creating conflict or confrontation... it's about communicating "I'm awesome and I do awesome stuff. If you're going to do awesome stuff with me, you need to get on board.. because I'm not about to slow down my awesome." Or something like that. It's confidence you are communicating. 2) Expect him to plan and execute some dates. Tell him you would like him to do this. Don't nag. Tell him once, and wait. 3) DO NOT bite your tongue over your hurt feelings or disappointments. That's not nice to do to yourself. If you have a gripe, talk about it, honestly and without anger. If he's going to step up and be boyfriend material, you two need to find ways to talk to each other about stuff. 4) Do not be scared to request what you want from a man. Request (not demand or complain about, but request). 5) In early-stage dating, the most significant thing to embrace is: do not be afraid to walk away from a man who is unwilling or incapable of fulfilling your requests. Honestly, I'd walk from this guy. But if you really like him and think you can reset the tone effectively, the above might help. 4
Iguanna Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 5) In early-stage dating, the most significant thing to embrace is: do not be afraid to walk away from a man who is unwilling or incapable of fulfilling your requests. It's what I always talk about, do not compromise at the early stage of dating or ignore "orange flags" cause it's pretty sure that these will turn in red flags soon. Don't waste time on things that your gut is telling you. Our subconscious is always talking to us, we should always try to listen to it. 3
nescafe1982 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 It's what I always talk about, do not compromise at the early stage of dating or ignore "orange flags" cause it's pretty sure that these will turn in red flags soon. Don't waste time on things that your gut is telling you. Our subconscious is always talking to us, we should always try to listen to it. It literally took me YEARS to internalize this, and I seriously spent a lot of time going from heartache to heartache because I would enter a dating situation ready to ignore warning signs in the interest of keeping a man around. It also took me a long time (maybe even longer) to realize that there are 1) men who will not meet a woman's expectations because they choose not to, but there are also 2) men who are incapable of meeting a woman's reasonable expectations. There are men (and women!) out there who are good people in every sense... but who are fundamentally incapable of meeting reasonable expectations within a romantic relationship, either through lack of chemistry, gaps in expectations, or general incompetence. I stayed with one man for lot longer than I should have because I felt guilt about leaving a genuinely good person because he couldn't satisfy my standards. I thought to myself "he's not a jerk... so why should I feel so unhappy with him?" But in the end, he wasn't choosing to ignore my needs. He was incapable for meeting them. OP's date sounds a bit like one of those. He's flaky but doesn't sound malicious. Just the same, is he capable of meeting her bar if she raises it to where she needs it? Only OP knows for sure. 1
Phantom888 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Wow so petty. I can't believe he tracks every dollar. When my woman and I take turns paying, like I pay $100 for dinner, and she pays $75 for activities, that is pretty even to me. I don't pursue that $25 because it's so petty. Men shouldn't be so petty because it's a trait of weakness. Even if I pay all of the evenings expenses, I wouldn't even remember who paid what because in a relationship it's about being with each other and not counting who paid what.
mammasita Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 What do you actually like about this guy? Flakey mommas boy with sexual performance issues and won't treat you on dates? This is a no-brainer. Toss him back. For real. You're gonna end up disappointed and starting another thread sooner or later about how he dumped you/mistreated you/cheated on you/etc. 1
Chocolat Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Super, It strikes me that this guy is a project. He's got 4 BIG areas of concern so far: 1. Potentially cheap. At a minimum, not giving. 2. Sexually F'd up. 31 and has never finished with a woman? And is only now (supposedly) going to address this as a problem? 3. Does not respect your time 4. Has never had a long-term relationship Now it's possible that #s 1-3 led to 4 but, even so, there is a lot of work that has to happen here before he can be considered relationship material. And it's work that he has to do. Sure, you can set the tone, tell him how you feel, etc., but you are seeing his core personality at work. And you're not asking for something minor -- like to put the toilet seat down -- but rather a complete change in who he is. Given your apparent good mental health, I would recommend walking away from this one. 6
Author supercallafraj Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Thanks again for all of your responses. I will take this fully on board. I am 90% going to break this off, but I am waiting until after this weekend. This is because we have made plans for both fri and sat and one involves tickets, but also as I would feel so cruel after what happened last night. I don't want to permanently damage the guy by making him conclude that I dumped him because of his sexual problems- no matter how I spin it! And yea... a small part of me hopes I can possibly turn this around within that time, by taking your advice on raising my expectations. Who knows, but I certainly will not compromise my values like that again.
ascendotum Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 - We ordered some food and he says 'ill get it as you got the tickets the other night' The food was $12 each and the tickets were $20 - later we got a cab to his and I wasn't sure how much it would be and didnt have any cash to offer so I said I'd grab some beers. The cab ended up $6 and he put some candy in the basket too so I ended up paying over $11 for the stuff The $ here we are talking about is small bikkies really. I know women here will say well if its so small then why cant he pay it all. Well its just not his style as you have come to realize, and by the same token I agree with the others that say you come off as a bit of a penny pincher here keeping this running tally in your head as the dates go on, and are unhappy you are not ending up in front. At the same time I know, women love to have men spend $ as they believe it shows he appreciates them more. Anyway, OP in regards to what to you wrote, it was not a total $ debacle from him. He did pay but just not more then you, but a lot of it was just the circumstances & timing. I guess you would have been happier if he spent more than $20 on the lunch, but really for that to happen you had to eat more expensive items on the menu. (unless he took you to fast food joint). As for the cab/drinks comparison. It was just a case of you not having $ for the cab, that you ended up paying $11 to $6. Just circumstances and not due to sneaky maneuver from him. As for the switch from county drive...IDK if you can read that as being a penny pinching tactic. He was busy earlier on and it ended up being too late in the day to go anywhere. Yes it was shame he did not stick to what you wanted but I would not read a lot into it. Just let him know you'd love a country drive still...what about next weekend now. Ultimately I think you are going to be happier with a more generous guy.
FitChick Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 How much money does he make and how much money do you make? Either of you paying off debts? I had a friend who dated a clueless guy who had had only one girlfriend in college who went into a mental hospital. He bought my friend a series of crappy Christmas presents and birthday presents. More than one thing each time but cheap and odd. He hated disappointing her. Finally she said, "Don't spend less than $200 on my gift." He could afford that and wound up getting her one really nice item each time, like a cashmere sweater or crystal vase. He was happy that she was happy. Did I mention he was an engineer? Oh and they have been happily married for many years.
Salvatore85 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 OMG guys like this are getting laid and I've been single for a year...sheesh lol. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 My ex never paid for me in over 2 years, yet you can get your ass he is paying for the new, much younger stunning supermodel he is dating. He just wasn't that into me.. so he was stingy. Now he has met a girl he is crazy about, I am certain he would treat her to dinner. This is how a few guys operate. 1
Author supercallafraj Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Ok so I took some people's advice and typed out a message, explaining that I'd felt disrespected etc on Sunday. He got back with a long text which said that he was sorry, that was the last thing he wanted... When I'd said I didn't want to go to the country he panicked and struggled to think of what to do but it's no excuse. That he loves spending time with me and I make him really happy to be around. I feel better? Or is this some sort of ass*hol trick that I can't see through?
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Words mean nothing. Go by his actions. Do as Nescafe suggested above. If he lives up to your raised expectations this weekend then maybe it's worth another shot. but don't listen to words... as Batman always says (well once), ACTIONS are what defines you.
Chocolat Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Ok so I took some people's advice and typed out a message, explaining that I'd felt disrespected etc on Sunday. He got back with a long text which said that he was sorry, that was the last thing he wanted... When I'd said I didn't want to go to the country he panicked and struggled to think of what to do but it's no excuse. That he loves spending time with me and I make him really happy to be around. I feel better? Or is this some sort of ass*hol trick that I can't see through? Based on what you've said about him, it could be true. But this means that not only did he panic, but he also didn't have the sense to 1) establish a smaller time range than 11am-2pm; and 2) not postpone things at 2, after you'd already been waiting around for 3 hours The issue is not just what are his intentions. You may be right that his intentions are good. But he clearly lacks the ability to manifest his intentions in an adult, relationship-worthy, way. And that's where you have to make a decision. Are you willing to guess at his intentions while hoping that, at some point, he'll be able to bring his actions into alignment? Is he truly worth the kind of emotional work you are going to have to put in? Things to think about, imo.
Iguanna Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Frankly I don't want to have to TELL someone how to respect me. Believe it or not some guys already know how. ... or if they don't know for any reason, they have the interest to ask and learn. When you have to REQUEST from someone to love you, to care for you, to show interest in you and appreciate you, something is wayyyy wrong. 2
SoleMate Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I wouldn't even focus on the money for now. Let's just take 1 issue: the way he can only offer a window of availability 3 hours wide (11 am - 2 pm) and then he blows through that too, drip by drip, so that the whole day's plan is cratered? For no good reason, just random flaking? That right there would be MY dealbreaker. Oh and the 5 other major issues would just frost this "bad boyfriend" cake. 1
nescafe1982 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) ... or if they don't know for any reason, they have the interest to ask and learn. When you have to REQUEST from someone to love you, to care for you, to show interest in you and appreciate you, something is wayyyy wrong. I hope that's not what my post about setting the bar sounded like. I was not, by any stretch of the imagination, advising that OP should "request" love from an uninterested man. I do think it's important for us to say what we expect in terms of everyday actions, though. If a person isn't meeting our expectations one given day (say he's late to a date), we can and should tell him that we expect him to do better next time. Yes, of course it's best to find someone who innately knows how to fulfill most of our needs. Most of them. No man on earth is going to unspeakingly anticipate and attend to every need and desire we have. Communication is important. It is a skill we build from the very fiirst date. To simply rule out any man who can't read minds, especially when OP admitted herself she's been setting the bar too low before now, is going too far in the opposite direction IMO. Of course, THIS guy seems like bad news... but in the future? Building reasonable boundaries and expecting the man to respect them is absolutely a good idea. And I realize the word "request" might sounds like, weak or disempowered or something. But I chose that word because setting expectations is not about confrontations, nagging, or anger. It's about inviting a man into your world and telling him what makes you happy. It *is* a request, essentially. But certainly it's a request with consequences... if the request is ignored, one should recognize it and walk away if needed. There has to be some kind of medium: a man needs to be capable of understanding basic respect and caring, yes, but a woman also needs to be capable of expressing her needs and desires too. (And it works both ways. Men need to talk, women need to anticipate too). Edited February 4, 2014 by nescafe1982 1
Iguanna Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I was very specific on the "requests" I suggested they were not acceptable from a woman to a man: I said "When you have to REQUEST from someone to love you, to care for you, to show interest in you and appreciate you, something is wayyyy wrong.". I was not talking about requests that have to do with needs or things that we like, we dislike or that bother us, for them of course the woman has to express them in order for the man to know them. But the above things I said should be self-evident. It's one thing "please don't ever be late again cause I don't like to wait" and a totally another thing "please love me". 1
nescafe1982 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I was very specific on the "requests" I suggested they were not acceptable from a woman to a man: I said "When you have to REQUEST from someone to love you, to care for you, to show interest in you and appreciate you, something is wayyyy wrong.". I was not talking about requests that have to do with needs or things that we like, we dislike or that bother us, for them of course the woman has to express them in order for the man to know them. But the above things I said should be self-evident. It's one thing "please don't ever be late again cause I don't like to wait" and a totally another thing "please love me". Oh okay. I thought you were picking out my choice of terminology (to "request" our expectations) in my previous post. It seems that was not the case. Apologies that I assumed so. 1
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