nomoreshallwepart Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 About a week ago I've started dating a girl - and after that single week it got so messy I really don't know what to think of it. Before we started dating, she was really sweet and flirty - she still was after we started going out together, but something else got in the picture. The very next day after our first date she started talking about how messed up both of us are and how low are our chances for being together. Whenever we were talking on IM and I told her I have to go and do some work, she would start texting me and saying that she feels lost and that she needs to talk to me. Last two days she was going back and forth, first persuading me that it's not gonna work out and then, when I said that she may be right, saying that she needed to test me and see if I really can stand up for the relationship and that I disappointed her. We decided to split (probably the shortest relationship I've ever had...) and it seemed civil, but today she started texting me about how she misses me and wants us to be together no matter what. Any thoughts - except 'run'?
Emilia Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 About a week ago I've started dating a girl - and after that single week it got so messy I really don't know what to think of it. Before we started dating, she was really sweet and flirty - she still was after we started going out together, but something else got in the picture. The very next day after our first date she started talking about how messed up both of us are and how low are our chances for being together. Whenever we were talking on IM and I told her I have to go and do some work, she would start texting me and saying that she feels lost and that she needs to talk to me. Last two days she was going back and forth, first persuading me that it's not gonna work out and then, when I said that she may be right, saying that she needed to test me and see if I really can stand up for the relationship and that I disappointed her. We decided to split (probably the shortest relationship I've ever had...) and it seemed civil, but today she started texting me about how she misses me and wants us to be together no matter what. Any thoughts - except 'run'? RUN!!!!!!!!!! She is emotionally unstable and incapable of having a healthy relationship. The fact that you admitted to being messed up too in your post makes me think you need help too before you are capable of holding down a relationship.
TXGuy Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 No. 'Run' just about covers it. You are dealing with a drama queen. This early on and she is 'testing' you and telling you that you failed? Eject. She has the push-pull dynamic in overdrive. Unless you also have an unhealthy obsession with conflict, she will make your life miserable. The good news is you found out early enough so you shouldn't be too attached. On the other hand, and I'm not recommending this, you could play along. But only if you totally disconnect emotionally from her. You could ride the 'crazy in the head, crazy in bed' train for a while. But, you would have to be ready for that to blow up in your face. I'd stick with 'run' or more accurately, detach, and go no contact. Stick with it, because she will likely be persistent until she has several other targets to distract her.
Author nomoreshallwepart Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Thank you all for your input! There's one thing I need to clarify. The fact that you admitted to being messed up too in your post makes me think you need help too before you are capable of holding down a relationship. What she meant is that we both had some problems with depression and fear of rejection. The thing is, I recently finished the therapy - and thought that I will be able to build a relationship with a healthy balance between intimacy and autonomy. While still not being the easiest person in the world to be with, I've learned to not act on my fears - this resulted in me being extremely clingy in the past - and now I am comfortable with being alone for some time, not asking for constant reassurance or validation. 1
Emilia Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 What she meant is that we both had some problems with depression and fear of rejection. The thing is, I recently finished the therapy - and thought that I will be able to build a relationship with a healthy balance between intimacy and autonomy. While still not being the easiest person in the world to be with, I've learned to not act on my fears - this resulted in me being extremely clingy in the past - and now I am comfortable with being alone for some time, not asking for constant reassurance or validation. Good. I think for a while you will need to be conscious of the person you pick. It will take you some time to adjust to healthier settings. Good luck! 1
Iguanna Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 This woman is clearly insane. .... or simply stuck at the age of 13.
Author nomoreshallwepart Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Good. I think for a while you will need to be conscious of the person you pick. It will take you some time to adjust to healthier settings. Good luck! Thanks! I guess my mistake was feeling a bit _too_ strong at this point - forgetting that it takes two to tango... Should have made that observation when she said that "there's a need for balance in a relationship, so that one person is stronger and takes care of the other (sic)", but I guess my judgement was clouded at this point ;-) 1
Eau Claire Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 You are insecure. What are you hoping for anyone to say? This isn't about her being insane but you being attracted to her and then not being socially mature to say 'bye bye'.
Author nomoreshallwepart Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 You are insecure. What are you hoping for anyone to say? This isn't about her being insane but you being attracted to her and then not being socially mature to say 'bye bye'. I know where you're coming from, but actually I said goodbye to her and I'll stick with that decision. The people here have helped me tremendously in the past to understand some of the relationship behaviours - both my own and the people I went out with, that's why I wanted to get their opinion. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 She isn't stable. She's got attachment issues and she's manipulative. You found all this out within a week. Imagine what several more months would bring! Do not respond to her any more. Seriously, don't reply to her messages. She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Emilia Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks! I guess my mistake was feeling a bit _too_ strong at this point - forgetting that it takes two to tango... Should have made that observation when she said that "there's a need for balance in a relationship, so that one person is stronger and takes care of the other (sic)", but I guess my judgement was clouded at this point ;-) No No No! What she was referring to is codependency, it's not a route to go down on OP, you know this yourself after therapy! Sorry for the exclamation marks but this is very important. You know how addicts hang out with addicts? Alcoholics together, gamblers together? This is it. She is trying to pull you back, you are recovering, OP, you need to keep your boundaries strong and not allow yourself to end up in a codependent relationship! Good for you to go no contact. 1
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